the lords of salem

Horror Headlines: Friday May 3rd, 2013

It looks like "Frankenstein's Army" will find itself with a limited theatrical run on July 26th. The film takes place at the end of the second world war when Russian soldiers discover a secret Nazi lab where scientists are using the work of Dr. Viktor Frankenstein to build an army. I can't think of anything funny to say here that doesn't make me sound like a monster.

Every book Stephen King has ever written will be made into a movie including "Joyland", which he hasn't put out yet. Tate Taylor of "The Help" fame will adapt the story which follows a student in 1973 who begins working at a carnival and finds himself wrapped up in the legacy of a murder. It's only a matter of time before we start making movies out of his drunken crossword puzzle mishaps.

I can't think of anything worse right now than a new "Dracula" movie but Sarah Gadon has been cast in one. I don't know who she is but she was on some show called "My Dad the Rock Star" which sounds like the second worst thing.

Rob Zombie says "The Lords Of Salem" will be his last horror flick for a very long time... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

In Real People News: 

Here's a Florida guy who broke into a couple's home, masturbated, played with their toy helicopter and then ate a salad. Don't worry though, he brought the salad with him.

I have always said if you see any sort of animal smaller than a deer crossing the road you should speed up and hit it head on. The reason? This guy in North Carolina avoided a dog and ending up hitting an old guy on a lawn mower. Animals are dumb is the point here.

Trailers: Rob Zombies "The Lords of Salem" has a wild trailer

So this looks... like a movie. If I had to describe the first trailer for Rob Zombie's "The Lords of Salem", I'd call it "Dario Argento-Lite by way of the trailer park... plus meth". Also, and I think this needs to be asked, does this look like a film that's actually going to get released into theaters? After watching this, I'm not so sure...

Horror Headlines: Friday September 15th, 2012

Writing the news in an airport is kind of weird but people walking by don't really seem to give me weird looks when they see what's on my screen. When I get to the real people news though... that's when things get uncomfortable.

It's been a while since we've talked about Rob Zombie but now that his "The Lords Of Salem" is close to seeing the light of day it's time to thrust his loins back into your face. Sounds awful, right? Well it appears Mr. Zombie's witch revenge flick has sparked quite the bidding war with Anchor Bay being the front runner, offering close to $1.5 million for the film. I think we should start anew with Rob so I'll hold back on any stupid comments... I will mention how annoying his wife is though, but that's all.

If you've been on the edge of your seat waiting for the new "Godzilla" reboot then I am happy to tell you the wait is over because the good people at Warner Bros. and Legendary Pictures have announced that the flick will hit theaters on May 16th 2014. I mean you have to wait till then, and that's a pretty long time away, but you don't have to wait to know how long you have to wait. You get it? "Wait" by White Lion is a great song.

Adam Wingard's "You're Next" has also found itself a release date in the form of August 23rd 2013. The flick is about a family on vacation when they find themselves being hunted by a group of mysterious killers. They wear masks I think. If they wore Godzilla masks this would tie in really nicely wouldn't it. The lead singers of White Lion's name is Mike Tramp, that always grossed me out.

I have no idea why I keep talking about "Scary movie 5" but the rumor going around that Lindsay Lohan has faked having walking pneumonia is kind of awesome so I think you people need to know about it. Apparently she's a little pissy about the fact that the small role she was set to play had her mocking her own career and downward spiral. I for one am also pissed about it. I don't care what she does, she will always be my sweetheart. My cracked out sloppy mess of a sweetheart.

In Real People News: 

Seems a bit extreme but a St. Louis man shot his uncle to death over an argument about the cut of their pork chops. That's not a weird euphemism for something else either. He really killed his uncle over the cut of meat.

Well this is nice to see not happening in Florida. A Pennsylvania man is under arrest after he jumped out of a second story window and started chewing on a passer by's head. Good for you, Florida. You go and let those hicks in PA be the weirdos for a day.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, January 10th, 2012

I've now officially become one of those people that snore simply because they're fat. It's a pretty proud day for me. The Mrs. doesn't seem too impressed though.

The entire world is excited about the release of the big screen adaptation of "The Hunger Games". Literally everyone in the world. Walk outside and just ask a random person. They'll wet themselves and run away giggling they're so excited. Seriously. Well prepare to get even moister because Lionsgate has announced that pre-sale tickets will go on sale Wednesday February 22nd at MovieTickets and Fandango, almost a month ahead of it's current March 23rd pre-sale date. I'm not going to tell you the actual release date because you got that tattooed on your forehead months ago and I would just feel like a jerk spoiling that for you.

If you've been chomping at the bit to see "Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters" then I got some bad news for you. The fairy tale witch hunk action romp's release date has been pushed back almost a year, from March 2, 2012 all the way to January 11, 2013. Apparently the push is happening because Paramount is surprised at the success of "Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol" and "The Devil Inside" and is now trying to spread out their earnings a bit more. Because if there's one thing you don't want to do, it's earn too much money.

David Auburn has been tapped by Warner Brothers to write the big screen adaption of "A Discovery of Witches". The story follows a witch and vampire who find themselves trying to prevent a war between the two species. I'm not going to lie this sounds like the worst book and movie ever imagined and the thought of having to watch it for the podcast makes me a little ill. So ill that I need to be out that week. Please update your calendars accordingly.

Hey did you know that Michael Berryman is in Rob Zombie's "The Lords Of Salem"? Me either! Man I love coffee.

In Real People News: 

Here's an article that's in Russian, I think, but the jist of it is a kid was arrested after trying to steal an MP3 player. Where did he hide it? Up his ass of course. I'm still trying to figure out what the Russian word for "ass" is but I know it's in the article somewhere.

And here's a story about one particularly frisky Papa John's employee who has been fired after he noted an order was for "Lady Chinky Eyes" on her receipt. Maybe I should talk to the manager at the local Panera Bread because they keep marking me down as "fat ass who always gets two sandwiches for himself"...

Horror Headlines: Wednesday November 9th, 2011

I have no idea why anyone would want to visit Russia when their greatest commodity is already dancing at Private Eyes up on 45th and 8th, but the movie "The Darkest Hour" tells the story of a group of travelers stuck in Moscow during an alien invasion. A new poster for the flick has popped up online and it looks like all hell is breaking loose in Mother Russia. I hope this doesn't make people lose their place in line for bread.

Everybody hates clowns. Unless they're slutty clowns on Halloween, most people are on board with that. But an undead clown, that changes everything. The movie is titled "Stitches" and it tells the tale of a clown who returns from the grave to take out his vengeance on a group of teenagers who caused his death some years ago. It's a horror comedy and it's British so that means there's going to be a lot of bad teeth gags and Spam jokes. I assume. Most of what I know about the UK comes from Austin Powers and Monty Python.

"Hatchet" director Adam Green has confirmed "Killer Pizza", a new romp about a teen who takes a summer job at a pizza parlor that turns out to be the front for a monster hunting agency. The good people at MGM will be putting out the film so it might actually have some money behind it. God willing that doesn't mean they'll leave out the Kane Hodder sex scene.

If there's one thing Rob Zombie's witch revenge flick "The Lords Of Salem" has been missing it's sex appeal. Well good news you ornery little skanks, Sid Haig has officially joined the project as one half of a witch hunting duo. Boner time!

In Real People News: 

I like it! A Colorado man when ape shit yesterday when his local Best buy ran out of "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3". The 31 year old became so upset that he threatened to shoot employees in the parking lot and blow up the store if they didn't get him his game. I hope they have Xbox in jail.

A threesome can ruin any relationship. Sure you want to see your wife go to sexy town with another woman now but once things start to actually happen you get to thinking about how this might effect the long term relationship. So it's understandable that this guy in Florida might have freaked out a little when his wife brought another women into the bedroom. What isn't understandable is that he took out his frustration on the two women by going all Ike Turner on them. That's going to probably cause more damage than the hot action.

Horror Headlines: Thursday October 27th, 2011

Remember when Anne Hathaway hosted the Oscars and I decided I hated her? Probably not because you never call anymore. Well Anne has signed on to star in a new thriller simply titled "Puzzler". On top of that she'll also be taking on the producer role for the first time. Maybe she can get back on my good side again if she produces those boobies on camera again.

Martin Scorsese looks to have his eye on a big screen adaptation of Jo Nesbo's "The Snowman". The story focuses on a detective investigating the murder of a woman in Oslo, Norway that appears to be the handy work of a serial killer. I don't want to get my hopes up but if the killer turns out to be a troll this might be the greatest movie ever made.

"I Am Legend" scribe Mark Protosevich has been hand picked by Mr. Steven Spielberg to put pen to paper for the much anticipated "Jurassic Park 4". Protosevich comes as no surprise to me as Spielberg's selection. With those baby blue eyes and rugged good looks he must have blown the judges away during the swimsuit competition.

Here's some new sales art for Rob Zombie's "The Lords of Salem" that looks like a crappy show flyer for the worst local punk band ever.

In Real People News: 

I blame "True Blood" for this one. A Zimbabwean man was recently caught making dirty love to a donkey and when questioned by police explained that said donkey was actually a shape shifting hooker. Wait, is prostitution legal in Zimbabwe?

Got to give this guy points for style. A Colorado man reported his date as a burglar when his girlfriend came home and caught the two of them together. It didn't fly of course but it was worth a shot.

Horror Headlines: Monday August 8th, 2011

I'm willing to give my friend Rob Zombie as many chances as his crispy disgusting hair wants to toss out. That's just the kind of guy I am. So when he takes to the twitter and says his new film "The Lords of Salem" is looking "demented, perverted satanic", I'm intrigued. For those of you not familiar with the film it's a heartwarming tale about a group of witches who come back from the great beyond to bring death and destruction on modern day Salem. Sounds like they also get some action also. Good for them.

It's about time there was a Roller Derby slasher film isn't it? That is of course if there already hasn't been one and I just haven't seen it. Let's pretend "MurderDrome" is the first of its kind though. The film is about an up and coming roller star who gets caught in a love triangle that eventually evolves into a demon filled blood bath. Demon roller people? That's got to be a new idea. Was there a demon in that Drew Barrymore flick that came out a couple years ago? I never saw it.

For those of you who haven't had a chance to get John Carpenter's "The Ward" you'll be able to get your disgusting little syrup stained hands on the DVD and Blu-Ray on August 16th. And today we've got some cover art, which is the same as the movie poster, and specs, commentary with John Carpenter and star Jared Harris. So there you have it, the same image you've seen 100 times already and some commentary with an actor who's in the movie about 15 minutes. Operators are standing by.

While it's no big surprise it's still nice to see that Bruce Campbell will in fact be in Sam Raimi's upcoming new film "Oz: The Great and Powerful" which tells the story of how everyone's favorite Wizard came to be. That is of course unless you consider those weirdos from "Lord of the Rings" to be your favorite wizards. And if that is the case I'd ask you to kindly stop reading my news.

In Real People News: 

What's worse than throwing a cat out of a seven story window? Raping it beforehand. But I guess when you're high on meth you do those sort of things. Or when you're from Iowa. I don't know the difference really.

Apparently there's a big problem in the Ukraine with restaurants keeping bears and forcing them to drink booze for other people's amusement. This is the first time I've ever wanted to go to the Ukraine.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday July 5th, 2011

Need another reason to come out of your mom's basement and head to Comic Con this year? Well it looks like "Underworld 4" will get it's big premier there in just a couple weeks and what's more the film's star Kate Beckinsale will be on hand to answer a bunch of nerdy questions that you shouldn't actually care about. Dust off your Boba Fett costume, I bet she'll be impressed by it.

While things are still ramping up on Rob Zombie's "The Lords of Salem" the crusty one has been nice enough to give us a glimpse of one of the nasty props he has come up with for the film. Namely a big old chair with tons of little spiky bits shooting out of it that I assume will be used for some sort of witch trial fun. There's also a picture of his wife's ass on the page if the chair doesn't do it for you.

To celebrate it's 20th anniversary 1981's "Halloween 2" will be getting the blu-ray treatment on September 13th of this very year. Trust me I did the math. Along with an alternative ending the disc will also be packed with the 1984 documentary "Terror in the Aisles" which is hosted by Dr. Loomis himself, Donald Pleasence. I can't wait to see what they do for "Halloween H20" in just 7 short years.

Every jackass with a phone can get a video of Beyonce falling on her ass these days and luckily they can also get some video from the set of "The Dark Knight Rises". In the clip you can see Anne Hathaway prancing around the stand-in for Wayne Manor in foggy old England. honestly this could be a behind the scenes shot from "The Princess Diaries 3" for all I know. I think Christopher Nolan is set to direct that too.

In Real People News: 

A Michigan man who was arrested 5 years ago for making love to a sheep went back on the lamb (I know it's just to easy) recently and was taken back into custody after breaking into a local farm where a group of cows and pigs were being housed. Nice to see he loves all animals equally though. Nice to see in this day and age.

Well it's as good an excuse as any I guess. An Oregon man was arrested recently while looking into a woman's house after his excuse of looking for his cat didn't fly with the cops. Of course not many people look for their cat while using their body as an amusement park but what do I know. I'm more of a dog person.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday May 24th, 2011

If you're waiting for one borderline softcore porn 3D horror flick to come out it's probably "Pirahana 3DD". But if you're waiting for two than the second has got to be "Shark Night 3D" which now has a new poster out for your peepers with the clever tag line "Terror Runs Deep". Because as you are all well aware, Shark Nights terror runs deep, so deep, put her ass to sleep.

If you were in Cannes last week, and honestly if you weren't I'm not sure I want you reading my news, you got a chance to see the new film "Take Shelter". But for you homeless people who couldn't make it the filmmakers were nice enough to make a trailer for the flick that follows a man obsessed with building up a storm shelter with the fears that his nightmares might come true. Watch it from the computer at your local soup kitchen or whatever.

Say what you want about Rob Zombie, the guy knows horror. Weather or not he can make it well is debatable but his next film "The Lords of Salem" has my interest peaked based on the fact that Zombie said in a recent post there won't be any CGI gore in the flick. So even if the film turns out to be crap the blood should still look pretty cool. "Black Sunshine" is still a pretty cool song too.

I can't even begin to understand what the hell is going on in the new trailer for the Korean film "The Cat" but what I can tell you is there is most certainly a cat in the movie. Or maybe there isn't, I don't know. It may kill people, it may get killed or it may be a metaphor for something I will most likely be confused by. There's a poster too... which I don't understand either.

In Real People News: 

Here's a heartwarming story about a mother in Brooklyn who decided she wasn't up for the whole mothering thing and opted to toss her baby down her apartment building's trash chute. Which is where you toss all the things you don't want, weather it's a moldy cheesecake or a child, obviously.

And just because I'm not done talking about the rapture, here's a fish stick with the face of Jesus on it. The end could still be near!

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