I do not have any freakin clue what "Machete" is about but I'm not sure that really matters. From what I can tell Danny Trejo plays a guy who is "double crossed" and then starts cutting people up. Then Cheech Marin, who plays a priest, mind you, decides he wants to help so he blows up some cars. Then Jessica Alba comes out and does some really bad acting. Then Lindsay Lohan dresses up like a nun and shoots people in the face. Oh and Steven Seagal and Don Johnson are there too. I'm sure I'm forgetting something but it doesn't really matter.