scary movie 5

Trailer: "Scary movie 5"

It might just be the Holiday spirit still rattling around in my brain. It might also be the 6 pack of Reese's peanut butter cups I just polished off for breakfast but damn it all to hell if I didn't laugh a few times at the first trailer for "Scary Movie 5". Yes it's a dead horse being beat with a whoopee cushion and yes the films they're mocking are all over a few years old but come on. Lindsay Lohan makes a showing! And Heather Locklear is in it. Nothing bad ever happens when Heather Locklear is around. That's a fact.

Horror Headlines: Friday September 15th, 2012

Writing the news in an airport is kind of weird but people walking by don't really seem to give me weird looks when they see what's on my screen. When I get to the real people news though... that's when things get uncomfortable.

It's been a while since we've talked about Rob Zombie but now that his "The Lords Of Salem" is close to seeing the light of day it's time to thrust his loins back into your face. Sounds awful, right? Well it appears Mr. Zombie's witch revenge flick has sparked quite the bidding war with Anchor Bay being the front runner, offering close to $1.5 million for the film. I think we should start anew with Rob so I'll hold back on any stupid comments... I will mention how annoying his wife is though, but that's all.

If you've been on the edge of your seat waiting for the new "Godzilla" reboot then I am happy to tell you the wait is over because the good people at Warner Bros. and Legendary Pictures have announced that the flick will hit theaters on May 16th 2014. I mean you have to wait till then, and that's a pretty long time away, but you don't have to wait to know how long you have to wait. You get it? "Wait" by White Lion is a great song.

Adam Wingard's "You're Next" has also found itself a release date in the form of August 23rd 2013. The flick is about a family on vacation when they find themselves being hunted by a group of mysterious killers. They wear masks I think. If they wore Godzilla masks this would tie in really nicely wouldn't it. The lead singers of White Lion's name is Mike Tramp, that always grossed me out.

I have no idea why I keep talking about "Scary movie 5" but the rumor going around that Lindsay Lohan has faked having walking pneumonia is kind of awesome so I think you people need to know about it. Apparently she's a little pissy about the fact that the small role she was set to play had her mocking her own career and downward spiral. I for one am also pissed about it. I don't care what she does, she will always be my sweetheart. My cracked out sloppy mess of a sweetheart.

In Real People News: 

Seems a bit extreme but a St. Louis man shot his uncle to death over an argument about the cut of their pork chops. That's not a weird euphemism for something else either. He really killed his uncle over the cut of meat.

Well this is nice to see not happening in Florida. A Pennsylvania man is under arrest after he jumped out of a second story window and started chewing on a passer by's head. Good for you, Florida. You go and let those hicks in PA be the weirdos for a day.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, August 15th, 2012

Oikos Greek yogurt is on sale at the Palisades Park NJ Shop Rite. 10 for 10 bucks. RUN! Don't walk.

I'm just going to come out and say it. Tobey Maguire is a creepy little man child. He weirds me out and I haven't slept well since I knew he existed. And now he's been added to the cast of the big screen adaptation of "Z for Zachariah". The film tells the story of a girl who runs the only farm left on the planet with breathable air after the world ends. Well I mean I guess it doesn't end. She's alive. People come and meet her. This doesn't sound so bad after all.

Everyone's favorite.... I don't really know, Lara Jean Chorostecki has been added ot the cast of the upcoming NBC show "Hannibal". She'll play Freddy Lounds in the series I've explained too many times to count so I'm not going to bother doing it again. I've still only seen "Silence Of the Lambs" so I have no clue what all this means.

Terry Crews is both lovable and frightening. It's kind of amazing. I wish I was him... a lot. And now he's been cast in "Scary Movie 5", a film which is both unnecessary and not wanted. Wait no, those two things mean the same thing. I'm awful at this. Anyway I don't know what role he's going to play but if I was going to guess I would say big hulky man who is afraid of everything. Just taking a shot here.

I know we're all still very upset about K-Stew-Pat-Son Gate 2012 and I'm not sure this new development is going to make things any better. It looks like Kristen Stewart has in fact been dropped from the sequel to "Snow White and the Huntsman." I know, it hurts. Apparently there's three films planned and K-Stew will no long appear in any of them. They may also go back and digitally remove her from the DVD version of the first film. Probably not though.

In Real People News: 

Remember that old SNL skit where Dan Aykroyd plays a sleazy toy maker and one of the toys he tries to sell kids is a broken bag of glass? Well I think this woman from Oklahoma saw it too because she' under arrest for spanking her 5 year old son with just that. Seriously, the skit is hilarious.

Looks like one of the guys who invented Crocs has been picked up for drunk driving. Wait no, it gets better, apparently he blamed his drunken antics on his girlfriend. Who did he claim was his girlfriend? Well Taylor Swift of course. I'll be honest I don't believe she's his girlfriend but I 100% believe this is all her fault.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, August 7th, 2012

I'm not the least bit ashamed to admit I've had Carly Rae Jepsen's soon to be classic hit "Call Me Maybe" stuck in my head for three days now. It's so joyous.

Michael Kenneth Williams had what might be my favorite line ever in a TV show or movie on "Boardwalk Empire" but unfortunately I can only quote it in the shower, with music on and after a quick scan of my neighborhood to make sure no one is home. It's pretty bad. What I'm getting at here is Michael Kenneth Williams has been rumored to be joining the "Robocop" remake at Alex Murphy's partner and family friend. I mean partner in a police sort of way, not like life partner. Although they may have changed the story for the remake. I don't judge.

Blake Sheldon is apparently not the country singer. That guy has a T in his name or something. This Blake is an actor and he's been tapped to play not 1 but 2 roles in the upcoming season of "American Horror Story". Young Shel Shel (patent pending) will play the role of "Devon" and "Cooper" in the next chapter in the series. I have no idea who those characters are but they're powerful names so I have high hopes.

Do you like classic horror movies? Of course you do. Even if you don't you're too embarrassed to admit you don't like them. So most likely you and a group of friends will be too ashamed to call each other's bluffs about wanting to see "The Birds", "Frankenstein" and "Bride of Frankenstein" when they are restored and put into theaters this coming September and October. Make comments like "oh this is classic" and "did you know 'The Birds' is a reference to the threat of communism". You're going to look so cultured.

Don't ask me why but I'm here to tell you that Lindsay Lohan and Charlie sheen have both been added to the cast of "Scary movie 5". I'm also here to tell you that I've been wearing the same clothes for 2 days... to work.

In Real People News: 

Hey here's a guy who is going to jail because he went around giving BJ's to men who passed out at local bars. One man's public service is another man's forced sex act. It's a crazy world.

I want to tell you about this kid who got disqualified from the Olympics for, according to him, accidentally eating pot brownies. Not because I really care about the story but because he went to my high school and is from my home town and that makes me proud. Go America.

Horror Headlines: Friday, June 29th, 2012

If you're too young to remember when "Embrace of the Vampire" came out then I'm sorry for you. The 1995 flick where Alyssa Milano pretty much just got busy with anyone who came on screen was pretty much the deviant's "Titanic" when I was younger. But good news for the youth of today. A remake of the film is in the works and filming has officially begun with Sharon Hinnendael in the staring role. 99% sure Milano will not be making a surprise cameo in the film.

Oh Halle Berry, where did we go wrong? Not "we" like Halle Berry and I were ever an item. Not that I can confirm at least. I say no comment on the subject. You can draw your own conclusions. But I mean where did we go wrong that you won an Oscar just over ten years ago and now you're starring in "The Hive" which just landed the WWE as its co-financier and co-producer. What's next, Halle? Cinamax porn!? Actually that would be pretty cool.

"Screaming in High Heels" is a new documentary that tells the tale of 2 of the biggest B-movie scream queens of the 80's. Originally edited for TV the full on unrated version of the film will finally see the DVD treatment on August 28th of this year. It'll be a nice walk down memory lane for me to hear Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer talk about the films that made me the man I am today. I should probably hate them shouldn't I.

Craig Bierko has been confirmed for the cast of "Scary Movie 5". I think we'll all sleep a little better tonight.

In Real People News: 

If there's one thing that can stop a fight from escalating it's having to take a BM. Luckily for this man in Florida his neighbor had to make a run to the mensroom just before he decided to kick his ass. Pun intended. I think that's a pun. I don't know anymore.

There's nothing like the first time you catch a naked woman kissing your 15 year old son inside a tanning booth. I assume at least. I can't imagine that actually happens too often.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, May 8th, 2011

The nice old man from "Babe" AKA James Cromwell has joined the cast of Season 2 of "American Horror Story". He'll play a doctor who goes to battle with his boss, played by Jessica Lange. Am I the only one who just got hungry for some bacon? I can't be.

Guillermo del Toro recently look to his blog to drop the science on why "At the Mountains of Madness" probably isn't happening any time soon. Now I'm confused as hell after reading his explanation but I'll try to explain here. It seems because "Prometheus" and the Alien saga in general is so heavily influenced by HP Lovecraft the camp putting ATMOM together thinks it's not a good idea to push it forward. I don't fully get it but maybe someone else can explain it to me. Also please explain how babies get made.

I don't want to piss in your Wheaties but in a recent interview Anna Faris reveiled that she will most likly not be a part of "Scary Movie 5". I know. I'm taking this pretty hard also. If they dare make a "The House Bunny 2" without her I swear to god I'll shoot someone in the face.

"Wolf Creek" mastermind Greg McLean is taking time off from giving out handies for spare change to fund a sequel to take the directing role on a new film titled "Kill Me Three Times". The film follows a woman in an Australian surfing town who is the link between three different stories of murder, revenge and blackmail. I was just kidding about the handies thing. I'm pretty sure he's just asking people for money. I mean he might be giving handies I don't know. What I'm saying here is I can neither deny nor confirm that "Wolf Creek 2" is being funded by a prostitution ring.

In Real People News: 

A 28 year old school teacher in Florida is facing a pretty hefty detention sentence after it was discovered she deflowered a 16 year old student during school hours. By detention I mean jail. I don't think they can put teachers into detention. It's a loop hole thing or something.

It's always good for high school coaches to challenge their players. Well maybe not always good. This Colorado Hockey coach challenged his players to a masturbation race. That's not good at all.

Horror Headlines: Friday, February 17th, 2012

This weekend my wife and I start some weird cleanse and I'm not allowed to have caffeine or alcohol for 4 weeks. I have only myself to blame for this because it was my idea. I just want you to know this in case next week's news is awful. Well more awful then it usually is. You've been warned.

Sad news today, "Scary Movie 5" has had its release date pushed from April 20th of this year all the way to January 11th of 2013. The sad news though is that Gary Carter died yesterday afternoon. The "Scary Movie 5" thing is great news because who the hell wants to see that, seriously.

Exorcism flicks... am I right? But hold up before you go groaning because "The Seventh Son" is set in the 1700's and stars Jeff Bridges as a teacher of the Exorcism arts. We all love him in a "lock him up in our basement and make him quote "The Big Lebowski" and "Tron" all day" sort of way. The film was announced a while back but the exiting news today is that it's officially set to start filming in a couple weeks. Does anyone know his home address?

I had no idea there was a new Zorro movie in the works but it looks like spicy hot actor Gael Garcia Bernal has been cast in the lead role of "Zorro Reborn". The film promises to be a grittier version of the original TV series and numerous films on the masked one. It'll apparently also be set in the future. And not in Mexico. And he won't be called Zorro I assume.

I've been talking about ABC's "666 Park Avenue" for a while now. To anyone who will listen really. People next to me at the urinal for instance. I'm not allowed in a number of bars anymore. But they need to know that Terry O’Quinn, of "Lost" fame has just been cast as one half of a couple that moves to NYC to run an apartment building that just so happens to house a number of residents who have made deals with the devil. I have to go tell them now.

In Real People News: 

Here's a heartwarming story about an Ohio woman who was taken into custody after threatening to cut her boyfriend up after he didn't give her a Valentine's Day gift for her. She sounds so sweet, too. I don't know what this guy's deal is. Doesn't he like being happy?

I have never been to a Wendy's that didn't have an angry prick working behind the counter. So I love this guy in Ohio who took a sledgehammer to his local burger shop simply because "Wendy’s is making him mad". I wish I could high five him.

Horror Headlines: Monday September 26th, 2011

What could top last weeks new that Raj from "What's Happening" had joined the cast of Rob Zombie's "Lords of Salem"? How about Jeffrey Daniel Phillips joining the cast? Who's that you might ask? Why just one of the most famous cavemen in history. Ya know, minus the real cavemen. Let's call him the most famous insurance selling caveman of all time. Well next to the other two. There's three of them in those commercials isn't there? Let's just call him a guy. He's a nice guy. God I hate you.

Oh boy oh boy! More set pics from "The Dark Knight Rises" and this time we've got Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. Boy she looks comfortable in that suit. If people made a big deal over Michelle Pfeiffer doing flips in her Catwoman outfit back in 1992 I can't wait to see what sort of fuss they make about Hathaway stomping around the set like the Frankenstein monster recovering from hip surgery. Is it hot in here or is it just her?

I've seen a ton of movies that Michael Fassbender has been in but for the life of me I have no idea who the guy is. That aside though if I had one choice for who could play Alex Murphy in the upcoming "Robocop" remake he would be it. Don't ask me why he just would be. And the good news for me is that director Jose Padhilla wants him for the role too. Which I kind of think is weird since I don't know who he is. It's like if Rob Zombie wanted one of the Geico cavemen for one of his movie or something.

And last but not least Charlie Sheen has accepted a role in "Scary Movie 5". I don't know what else to say about that. I'm crying on the inside though.

In Real People News: 

A good friend will save you from a grizzly bear attack. An even better friend will see you're getting attacked by a grizzly bear and shoot you before the bear can kill you. I think that's what the plan was. Either that or bad aiming. Probably the second thing actually.

And what do you do if you want to relax in the nude but don't have a porch? Go to your neighbor's house of course. You'll go to jail for that just so you know. But man you'll be relaxed.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, August 25th, 2011

A fistfull of clips from the upcoming second season of "The Walking Dead" have hit the tubes and before you go getting all excited I should tell you that all of them are about ten seconds long. Not that you can't do some really good stuff in ten seconds. Sometimes ten seconds is all you need if something is really good. Ten seconds can completely please a woman... or viewer. Whatever. What were we talking about?

Showtime looks to be working on a new series titled "The Damned" which is based on the graphic novel of the same name. For those of you who think reading is stupid even if there's a bunch of pictures the story focuses on 3 demon families who run an underground soul trafficking circuit during prohibition. Not drinking ruins everything.

Regina Hall, Anthony Anderson and Kevin Hart are rumored to all be on board for the 2012 release of "Scary movie 5". Because we all demanded there be more "Scary Movie" films. Of course now we regret it. Man Harvey Wallbangers can really mess up an evening am I right? They can also cause people to think "Scary Movie 5" is a good idea.

Lily Rabe has squinty eyes and 20 credits on her IMDB, none of which I have seen, and now she's been confirmed for the cast of FX's new wack job series "American Horror Story". The new show will focus on a family that moves into a new creepy home in the aftermath of the fathers infidelity. Then they all put on rubber suits or something. I don't know the promo frightens me.

In Real People News: 

I have no idea how this happened but here's a Kansas woman who was cleaning her yard after a storm and accidentally got a tree branch shoved into her nose, through her eye socket, then to her sinus cavity and eventually ended up touching her brain. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing but apparently she's alive but is most likely frightened of every tree within a 50 mile radius.

Of course here's a story about a woman who was killed after the tow truck that was trying to get her car out of the sand had it's tow thingy snap off and fly into her windshield and eventually into her face. So I guess the tree up the nose thing isn't that bad after all.

Around the Web

Syndicate content

What's New?

Wherein no one talks about people they banged in high school...

Podcast

In which we try to make sense of "Return to Nukem High: Volume 1"...

Podcast

Latest Reviews

Search

Around The Web