the dark knight rises

Horror Headlines: Monday, April 9th, 2011

Sammy Shepard is a creepy bastard. It's a fact. It's on the internet, there's no arguing it. For this fact alone he is a perfect fit for Scott Cooper's new gritty 80's era crime-thriller "Out Of the Furnace". The story follows a man recently released from prison who finds his brother has been murdered. Shepard plays the killer but we don't find that out till the end. Oh, spoiler alert. I'm kidding of course. I have no idea who the killer is. Man if it is him though wouldn't that be cool? It's like I can see the future or something. Think of a number and let me know on twitter when you're ready. I'll tell you what number you're thinking of.

Strap in kids because "The Dark knight Rises" has officially been given a rating by the MPAA. It's such big news that I think we should just sit back and take a deep breath and prepare for it. Now look around the room. Is there anything you want to say to the people around you before you read this in case the news gives you a heart attack and you die right there? Go tell them. I'll wait. No maybe you might want to go to the bathroom. I heard when you die everything lets go and you don't want a giant mess ruining your corpse. Ok. Are we good? Ready? Here we go. PG-13. The rating is PG-13.

There's all kinds of problems going on with Tom Six's "The Human Centipede Three". Namely Six and the first film's star Dieter Laser having slap fights about money or some crap. Well today news has dropped that Laser is officially out of the project and will be replaced by none other Udo Kier, who kind of looks like Dieter Laser so i guess problem solved. Ya know, unless you see the film actually being made as the problem. In which case you're still SOL.

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Here's a heartwarming story about a drunk guy who beat up an handicapped man because he tried to take his Playboy. Happy Easter.

Boys will be boys! And 18 year old Florida chap is in hot water after he apparently drove into a crowd on purpose. The whole thing went down after the boy and his sister got into a fight with a group and decided to mow down their opposition. Like the age old saying goes. Never bring a knife to a car fight. Or something.

Horror Headlines: Monday November 21st, 2011

Up until now all the shots from "The Dark Knight" have been a big load of CT's. If you're not sure what that means just image me in high school driving a bunch of girls to the mall only to find we're really "good friends". I think you get the picture now. But today we get full release with a couple new photos of Bane and the Batman himself in all their full on glory. Enjoy them, with someone you love.

It is impossible for Dwayne Johnson AKA The Rock to do any wrong in my eyes. Did you see "Tooth Fairy"? It was delightful! I assume "Monster Hunter’s Survival Guide", which has just been announced and will star Mr. Rock as a master of the monster hunting arts, will be amazing. "Walking Tall"? Possible the greatest movie ever imagined.

I had completely forgotten that this movie existed but it looks like filming for "Manson Girls" is finally under way and is hoping to be wrapped in time to premiere the film at next year's Cannes Film Festival. The film tells the real life story of a group of girls leading up to the 1969 Tate murders. Taryn Manning, Tania Raymonde, Monica Keena, Stella Maeve and a bunch of other names I don't recognize lead the cast.

Huh the what now!? FX has decided to cut the season finale of "American Horror Story" from 2 hours to 90 minutes. Citing a tricky production schedule as the cause. The finale is set to premier on December 21st and true be told this isn't that terrible of news. I don't think I could handle two hours of the mother from "Six Feet Under" dry humping people.

In Real People News: 

Sometimes the morning commute is just more than you can take and you need a quick nap. Of course you should probably not do what this woman in Minnesota did and take that nap in the middle of the highway. Unless of course your morning compute is so bad that you want to be repeatedly run over by cars. Then go right ahead.

When you go to a knock off plastic surgeon you've got to expect to not get the best service. But even the worst of doctors shouldn't be injecting fix-a-flat into peoples asses. Even if they are a tranny in Miami that's only pretending to be a doctor.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 28th, 2011

Excited about the big screen adaptation of "The Hunger Games"? Want to see a ridiculous amount of posters for the flick? Ever been in a Turkish prison? The answers to these questions and more are now online! Well the poster one... and the internet can't really answer for you. I'm so confused.

What in the sweet hell is going on with this flick? On top of "Pride & Prejudice & Zombies" not being able to find a leading lady it looks like Craig Gillespie has now become the 3rd director to leave the flick. Ya know for a while I thought this might be my big chance to take on a directing role for a film but now I'm starting to think I might pass too when Hollywood comes knocking.

Welcome to planet erf! That's right folks, it looks like not 1 but 2 sequels are in the works for the 1996 alien invasion flick "Independence Day". Word around campus is the films will tie into the first but can also stand alone so that means if you happen to be baked out of your mind at the Malta Drive In the last time you saw the movie you don't have to worry about what you might have missed while unsuccessfully attempting to hook up with a girl who you're 99% sure was just using you for a ride. Ya know... if that happened to you.

I'm predicting there will be a lot of nerds out there who will pay for a ticket to see "Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol" and leave having no idea what happened. Why? Because they're going to be showing a six-minute "The Dark Knight Rises" prologue in all Imax theaters before the flick. I also predict "Tower Heist" will be this year's "Gigli". That one's for you, Eric.

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It's almost Halloween my friends and you should all be putting your last minute touches on your awesome lawn decorations. One word of advice though. When setting up your homemade guillotine, try not to cut your own arm off.

I'm not saying I condone this but I completely understand. A Santa Fe woman is under arrest for stabbing her boyfriend after their game of Monopoly got heated. Look if you're not going to sell anything then what the hell is the point of playing?!

Horror Headlines: Monday September 26th, 2011

What could top last weeks new that Raj from "What's Happening" had joined the cast of Rob Zombie's "Lords of Salem"? How about Jeffrey Daniel Phillips joining the cast? Who's that you might ask? Why just one of the most famous cavemen in history. Ya know, minus the real cavemen. Let's call him the most famous insurance selling caveman of all time. Well next to the other two. There's three of them in those commercials isn't there? Let's just call him a guy. He's a nice guy. God I hate you.

Oh boy oh boy! More set pics from "The Dark Knight Rises" and this time we've got Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. Boy she looks comfortable in that suit. If people made a big deal over Michelle Pfeiffer doing flips in her Catwoman outfit back in 1992 I can't wait to see what sort of fuss they make about Hathaway stomping around the set like the Frankenstein monster recovering from hip surgery. Is it hot in here or is it just her?

I've seen a ton of movies that Michael Fassbender has been in but for the life of me I have no idea who the guy is. That aside though if I had one choice for who could play Alex Murphy in the upcoming "Robocop" remake he would be it. Don't ask me why he just would be. And the good news for me is that director Jose Padhilla wants him for the role too. Which I kind of think is weird since I don't know who he is. It's like if Rob Zombie wanted one of the Geico cavemen for one of his movie or something.

And last but not least Charlie Sheen has accepted a role in "Scary Movie 5". I don't know what else to say about that. I'm crying on the inside though.

In Real People News: 

A good friend will save you from a grizzly bear attack. An even better friend will see you're getting attacked by a grizzly bear and shoot you before the bear can kill you. I think that's what the plan was. Either that or bad aiming. Probably the second thing actually.

And what do you do if you want to relax in the nude but don't have a porch? Go to your neighbor's house of course. You'll go to jail for that just so you know. But man you'll be relaxed.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, September 6th, 2011

Some behind the scenes photos from the set of "Piranha 3DD" have popped up online and they're full of giant fishy goodness. Giant fish and other... giant things. Ya know... the giant of giant things you expect to see in "Piranha 3DD".. Boobs. I'm talking about boobs.
And here it is folks, the first trailer for Tom Six's "The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)". The sequel to the little gross out horror movie that could. There's not much in the way of footage and I'm not even sure if this is that actual movie but that doesn't make it any less exciting. The fact that it kind of looks like crap, that makes it less exciting. That and only that.
I had completely forgotten that Anne Hathaway was playing Selena Kyle (aka Catwoman) in "The Dark knight Rises" but here's a gaggle of new set photos and looky loo there she is. Unless someone made a mistake and these are shots from "The Princes Diaries 3". And if that is the case it looks like things take a serious turn for the worse for our Princess. Attacked by homeless people kind of worse. I like the new direction.
Lars Von Trier may or may not be a giant racist but that doesn't make his new movie "Melancholia" look any less awesome. Not even Kirsten Dunst's toothy smile can take away from the visual goodness that is the new trailer for the flick. For those of you not up to speed that movie focuses on a couple celebrating their marriage while another planet heads toward earth. Meaning the world's going to end and Mr. Right isn't going to even get a wedding night with Snaggly Tooth. The lord works in mysterious ways.
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I can't imagine anyone has ever won an argument with a cop about getting their drugs back but then again I can't imagine anyone has ever had that argument completely nude, like this sassy chap from Texas. In case you're wondering he still didn't win the argument.
And here's a heartwarming story about a New York man who is wanted by police for sniffing children s feet at a local library. I wonder if that cops had to look up if that was even illegal. If it wasn't it is now.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday July 5th, 2011

Need another reason to come out of your mom's basement and head to Comic Con this year? Well it looks like "Underworld 4" will get it's big premier there in just a couple weeks and what's more the film's star Kate Beckinsale will be on hand to answer a bunch of nerdy questions that you shouldn't actually care about. Dust off your Boba Fett costume, I bet she'll be impressed by it.

While things are still ramping up on Rob Zombie's "The Lords of Salem" the crusty one has been nice enough to give us a glimpse of one of the nasty props he has come up with for the film. Namely a big old chair with tons of little spiky bits shooting out of it that I assume will be used for some sort of witch trial fun. There's also a picture of his wife's ass on the page if the chair doesn't do it for you.

To celebrate it's 20th anniversary 1981's "Halloween 2" will be getting the blu-ray treatment on September 13th of this very year. Trust me I did the math. Along with an alternative ending the disc will also be packed with the 1984 documentary "Terror in the Aisles" which is hosted by Dr. Loomis himself, Donald Pleasence. I can't wait to see what they do for "Halloween H20" in just 7 short years.

Every jackass with a phone can get a video of Beyonce falling on her ass these days and luckily they can also get some video from the set of "The Dark Knight Rises". In the clip you can see Anne Hathaway prancing around the stand-in for Wayne Manor in foggy old England. honestly this could be a behind the scenes shot from "The Princess Diaries 3" for all I know. I think Christopher Nolan is set to direct that too.

In Real People News: 

A Michigan man who was arrested 5 years ago for making love to a sheep went back on the lamb (I know it's just to easy) recently and was taken back into custody after breaking into a local farm where a group of cows and pigs were being housed. Nice to see he loves all animals equally though. Nice to see in this day and age.

Well it's as good an excuse as any I guess. An Oregon man was arrested recently while looking into a woman's house after his excuse of looking for his cat didn't fly with the cops. Of course not many people look for their cat while using their body as an amusement park but what do I know. I'm more of a dog person.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday June 15th, 2011

Josh Stewart, who 8 of you might remember from "The Collector" is the latest to be added to the cast of Chris Nolan's "The Dark knight Rises". As usual there's no word as to what role he'll be playing but I'm going to toss out a curve ball and guess Aquaman. Yeah, I said it.

Matthew Fox, Ed Harris and Julia Levy-Boeken are all rumored to be joining the ever growing cast of the big screen adaptation of Max Brook's "World War Z". Fox you probably know from "Lost", Harris wasn't Robocop but I will insist he was till the day I die and Levy-Boeken is French so you'll soon know her as that girl with hairy armpits who was in "World War Z".

"ParaNorman" is a new stop motion zombie/comedy from the fine people that created "Coraline" that's schedule to hit theaters next summer. But animated characters need voices my friends and it looks like Alex Borstein who does the voice of Lois Griffin on "Family Guy" will be added to the list of talent that already includes Casey Affleck, John Goodman and a number of others. I have no idea how they're going to fit all these people into one of those tiny recording booths.

What in the sweet hell is going on with shark attack movies this summer? Where was it decided that sharks were the new vampires? Where the hell are my keys!? I'm so frightened. Anyway here's the trailer for "Dark Tide" a new chop flick that stars one Halle Berry who I assume was cast based on the fact that her character spends 75% of her screen time in a bikini. Which makes me wonder why I wasn't cast... someone get my agent on the phone.

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A Texas man is reportedly facing possible criminal charges because he decided to punch a man repeatedly that he got into a car accident with despite the fact that the crash killed a man. It's like that old Russian saying goes, "You can't punch the dead without expecting to do some jail time". I think that's how it goes.

It's the age of social media my friends. You can do anything online! Like this woman in Philadelphia who went on Facebook to find a hitman to kill her Ex, offering up $1,000 to any takers. I feel like real hitmen probably charge a lot more than this. You're going to get some really shoddy killing for only a grand.

Horror Headlines: Thursday December 16th, 2010

For those of you who were excited about "Ouijia" being a spooky ass film about demons and murder prepare to be disappointed. According to screenwriters Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis the flick will have more of an "Indiana Jones" vibe to it. Kind of sucks I know but I hope they have the board wear a tiny little Indy hat, that will be adorable.

Chris Smith's Medieval romp "Black Death" will hit On-Demand, Xbox, Amazon.com and all other forms of online tubes on February 4th and in theaters starting on March 11th. And by theaters I mean some small ones you'll never walk in because you've already downloaded a copy of the film illegally. I'll see you in hell.

Some hot new details about Chris Nolan's "The Dark Knight Rises" have hit the nets and I'm going to try to explain them. Dr. Hugo Strange will be the main bad guy, Black Mask runs the criminal underworld, Talia al Ghul looks to take out Bruce Wayne, Killer Croc is also looking to take a crack at Batman and if you understand what any of these things means you've probably never seen a girl naked. Congrats.

There's rumors floating around that Ving Rhames will find his way into "Piranha 3DD" despite biting the big one in the first film. There is absolutely to reason for anyone to be surprised by this. I'd bet money that Jerry O'Connell's penis shows up again too.

In Real People News: 

I smell road trip! A bar in Baltimore has started hosting a monthly event they're calling "Beer & Bacon Happy Hour." The event features bacon flavored drinks, a bacon focused menu and best of all bottomless bowls of fresh cooked bacon. The place is called Bad Decisions and I will officially be moving there next week.

A 2 year old in PA was rescued recently after crawling inside a toy crane machine and spending a solid 15 minutes enjoying herself. The question really is if someone used the machine and got the baby out with the claw would that baby then legally be owned by that person?

Horror Headlines: Monday December 6th, 2010

"Battle: Los Angeles" is my favorite Rage Against the Machine album that I never actually heard and they've finally made a movie about it. What's better? There's a new trailer for the alien invasion flick. What that has to do with the album I have no idea but I assume it's some sort of weird political thing I don't get.

The MPAA has taken it upon themselves to ban the poster for the upcoming Stevan Mena movie "Bereavement". The poster depicts a child walking with his father while holding a butcher knife. Apparently the MPAA isn't a fan of toddlers walking around with murder weapons. I don't get it.

Aaron Echhart has officially confirmed the heartbreaking news that Two-Face will not being appearing in "The Dark Knight Rises". And when I say heartbreaking I really mean to Eckhart because last week it was confirmed that Heath Ledger would be making an appearance as The Joker and he's dead. Got to be a blow to the old ego.

Finally! "Beastly" is back in the spotlight with a new trailer and a big thumbs up from me. For those of you not familiar with the film all you need to know is that it stars Vanessa Hudgens, Alex Pettyfer, Mary-Kate Olsen, Neil Patrick Harris and Peter Krause. The movie was delayed months ago for being so awesome that the studio worried that people's heads would explode from excitement if it was released in the summer months.

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"Jenkem" is a hallucinogenic drug made from the gas of fermented sewage... and one man making it in a Florida apartment got his entire building condemned from the smell. Apparently he had his entire apartment covered with human waste to the point that it was starting to drip into the apartment below. I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it.

Tis the season in Idaho, kids. We're all drinking egg nog, the kids are out sledding and the white supremacists are out making KKK snowmen. It really warms your heart.

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