FX

Horror Headlines: Monday August 5th, 2013

I had to stop at the grocery store this past thursday on my way home from work. As I walked through the front door I was immediately greeted by a middle aged man hunched over gagging while an employee of the store was standing behind him giving the Heimlich maneuver. The guy who was choking looked up, locked eyes with me and then after three good thrusts shot out a giant piece of peach onto the ground. The point of this story is if you steal fruit from the grocery store and eat it eventually the powers that be will punish you.

FX CEO John Landgraf has sent down word from the mountains that "The Strain", a new series based on Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan's vampire trilogy, will be no more than 5 seasons. The show will follow a small group of rebels trying to take down a vampire empire that has taken over the world. The reason for the 5 season limit is that the shows creators are already putting it out there that the show will end with the same finale as the books, which is good news. This combined with the solid nights sleep I got last night is really starting off the week on a good foot.

Remember Alexandra Breckenridge in the first season of "American Horror Story"? Yeah, she was the slutty maid. I know! She was my favorite too. Well good news folks, she'll be returning to the show for it's third season which is being titled "American Horror Story: Coven". No word yet on what role she'll be playing but the season is suppose to be set around a group of spooky witches... I think. Really I'm just hoping for slutty witches.

I've never seen "Akira", I don't know what it's about and Japanimation in general confuses and frightens me. Apparently a live action version of the film(?) has been kicking around for a while and now "Orphan" director Jaume Collet-Serra has been attached to the project and it's officially moving forward. I bet those whack jobs dressed up like giant robots I saw walking outside the Rosemont convention center on my way to Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill are all excited about this. Or angry. I don't really understand any of this.

"House of Flying Daggers" director Zhang Yimou has officially been confirmed to be taking on the "Hunchback of Notre Dame" remake, which has also officially been confirmed I guess. Josh Brolin is set to start in the film, which is the retelling of the classic tale of Quasimodo and the main reason I grew to love Gypsies as a child. Well this story and Cher. Mostly Cher.

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When a sex offender moves into your neighborhood you're immediately worried about the kids. The dogs on the other hand, I never would have thought to worry about the dogs. Of course this is Florida, and looking outside to see your neighbor and your dog going at it is probably not that uncommon.

A 12 year old boy robbing a lemonade stand with a BB gun sounds just down right adorable doesn't it? Wait no, terrible. It's terrible. He's being charged with armed robbery, which is terrible. Oh man, did he have a little tiny ski mask on? Don't tell me, don't tell me. I don't want to know.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, July 26th, 2012

If you have any concerns about Spike Lee's remake of "Oldboy" being less then stellar, then Sharlto Copley is here to tenderly lull you into comfort. In a recent interview, the "District 9" actor praised the film for keeping true to the original and being very "gritty" and "dark". I don't know about you, but I trust anyone with an alien arm so I think we're going to be ok.

It's been over a year since we've heard anything about the small screen adaptation of "Powers," a comic book about a duo of cops who investigate criminals with super powers, but it looks like FX is still very much interested in making the show happen. A pilot for the show has already been filmed and shot down, but Charles Eglee has been brought in to do rewrites. Being that I'm a giant Egleehead, you know that I'm excited.

Producer Jason Blum found a big stinker with "The River," but bless his tender little heart for giving it another go with a new found footage series for MTV titled "The Experiment." The plot of the show has yet to be revealed, but I'm hoping for some sort of "Road Rules" tie in. Maybe they get Puck back on TV somehow. I don't know, I'm just spit balling here. Eric Nies maybe?

I don't toss around the term "ape shit" without some serious consideration, but I'm going to come right out and say it. People go "ape shit" for "Breaking Bad". So people are probably dry humping their meth dealers over the news that Dean Norris has joined the cast of Ridley Scott's "The Counselor." no word on what his role will be (I'm guessing actor), but the film is about a lawyer who tries his hand at the drug game with not so sexy results.

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A Georgia man is recovering, and a few bucks richer, after he got drunk and bet his friends he could light his head on fire. He won the bet. You see what I'm getting at here now right?

Well this is a new one. A Illinois man is in trouble for apparently exposing a group of kids to mercury after he tried to hide a broken bottle that contained 40 pounds of the deadly chemical in a sandbox. I've read the article four times and honestly I still can't figure out why he thought this was a good idea.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, May 10th, 2011

"Shaun Of The Dead" and "Hot Fuzz" power couple Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg, or Simgar, are set to begin production on "The World's End" this September. The film is about a group of friends who reunite to attempt an epic pub crawl 20 years after their first go around. I'm not going to lie, I'm already imagining the heartfelt ending of the movie where they cry and hug over beers and I'm getting a little misty.

Stephen King's "The Reach" is next on the list to get the big screen adaptation treatment. While negotiations are still in their early stages King himself says the story, about a elderly woman who travels to a ghost island over a large frozen stretch of water, is the one he'd "most like to be remembered for after his death". So don't F this up Hollywood fat cats. Or else you'll have the ghost of Stephen King on your ass.

FX has plans to adapt the Chelsea Cain’s book "Heartsick" for the little screen sometime in the near future. The story, which is the first in a trilogy, tells the tale of a female serial killer and her relationship with a beat up Portland detective. Do they have serial killers in Portland? I thought it was all donuts and hippies. Wait, serial killer that prays on hippies? I like where this is going.

Production on "The Scribbler", staring Katie Cassidy and Eliza Dushku, has officially begun in sunny LA. The movie follows the fun story of a young woman using a new experimental tool that helps to eliminate multiple personalities. Do you think it works? What a terrible movie it would be if it does and everything works fine the first time. They hook the girl up to a car battery and 15 minutes later she's all better and drinking a coffee. Roll credits.

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This story is awful but I'm also very curious as to how a couple in Indiana drove away from a liquor story with 4 toddlers strapped to the roof of their car. How did no one get a picture of this? I bet it was so frightening and adorable it would make you puke.

Try to steal copper from a power plant, get electrocuted and burst into flames. That's simple math.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, December 14th, 2011

Winter is officially here my friends! This entire week I've been wearing my snow pants to work in anticipation of the last final blizzard of 2011. Sure there's no reports of any such blizzard coming but still I like to be prepared. I also really like the swooshing sound the snow pants make when I walk around. And my ass looks great in them. So many reasons!

If you're as excited as I am for tonight's season finale of "American Horror Story" then you know what it's like to wet your pants at work and have all your coworkers laugh at you. Miserable I know. But the good people at FX have given us a special preview of tonight's episode to tide us over. So that makes up for the constant harassment you're going to receive for the next year. The nicknames, the laughing... the scratchy thighs.

Nick Swardson and TJ Miller have both been cast in a new animated comedy flick titled "Hell & Back". The two will voice characters who have to travel into the underworld to save a friend of theirs who was kidnapped and taken to the great below. The good news here? The flick is going to be rated R. So if you love cartoons who swear, and who doesn't, get ready to piss yourself again... Maybe it's time to get some adult diapers.

Eff yeah new poster for "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance". With Nic Cage all head on fire riding a bike with a giant chain whip. Eff ya indeed! Oh wait? you're in 3D too? You shouldn't have even bothered changing your pee pants!

Holy crap, have you ever seen a picture of "American History X" director Tony Kaye before? He looks like that crazy wizard guy who had the telescope and watched the two giant statues that shoot lasers in "The Never Ending Story". You know the one I'm talking about. Anyway he's being perused by the fine people at W2 Media to direct their new flick "Attachment", about a teacher who's one night stand with a student comes back to haunt her when he begins to date her daughter. If anyone can remember the guy's name I'd really appreciate you letting me know. This is going to bug me now.

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It's always sad when the horse theft you plan goes terribly wrong. One minute you're just having some fun stealing a horse from your local college and the next minute your mother's boyfriend is shooting that horse in the face. Too far man, too far.

I don't even know how this is possible but here's a story about an 82 year old man who beat his girlfriend to death with a flashlight battery.

Horror Headlines: Monday November 21st, 2011

Up until now all the shots from "The Dark Knight" have been a big load of CT's. If you're not sure what that means just image me in high school driving a bunch of girls to the mall only to find we're really "good friends". I think you get the picture now. But today we get full release with a couple new photos of Bane and the Batman himself in all their full on glory. Enjoy them, with someone you love.

It is impossible for Dwayne Johnson AKA The Rock to do any wrong in my eyes. Did you see "Tooth Fairy"? It was delightful! I assume "Monster Hunter’s Survival Guide", which has just been announced and will star Mr. Rock as a master of the monster hunting arts, will be amazing. "Walking Tall"? Possible the greatest movie ever imagined.

I had completely forgotten that this movie existed but it looks like filming for "Manson Girls" is finally under way and is hoping to be wrapped in time to premiere the film at next year's Cannes Film Festival. The film tells the real life story of a group of girls leading up to the 1969 Tate murders. Taryn Manning, Tania Raymonde, Monica Keena, Stella Maeve and a bunch of other names I don't recognize lead the cast.

Huh the what now!? FX has decided to cut the season finale of "American Horror Story" from 2 hours to 90 minutes. Citing a tricky production schedule as the cause. The finale is set to premier on December 21st and true be told this isn't that terrible of news. I don't think I could handle two hours of the mother from "Six Feet Under" dry humping people.

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Sometimes the morning commute is just more than you can take and you need a quick nap. Of course you should probably not do what this woman in Minnesota did and take that nap in the middle of the highway. Unless of course your morning compute is so bad that you want to be repeatedly run over by cars. Then go right ahead.

When you go to a knock off plastic surgeon you've got to expect to not get the best service. But even the worst of doctors shouldn't be injecting fix-a-flat into peoples asses. Even if they are a tranny in Miami that's only pretending to be a doctor.

Snapshot: "American Horror Story" (TV Series)

A new haunted house drama premiered Wednesday night on FX that was created and produced by Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, the creators of "Glee". The series centers around the Harmon family, who move from Boston to Los Angeles after Ben (Dylan McDermott) has an affair. They get a great deal on an old mansion, finding out once they buy the home that the previous owners were involved in a murder suicide and that the house is haunted. I'm assuming this is where all that weird fetish imagery that they've been promoting in the trailers happens?

Horror Headlines: Tuesday September 27th, 2011

We're just a little over a week away from the premiere of "American Horror Story" on FX and I'm not going to lie I'm a little bit excited. Well, let's say I'm as excited as I can get after seeing the new artwork for the show, which looks like a mix between the Russian Circus and a Nine Inch Nails concert from 20 years ago. Ya know... classy, in a rubber suit sort of way.

Tobias Segal, who I don't know but hate because his name is Tobias, has joined Ryan Reynolds , Kevin Bacon and Jeff Bridges in the cast of "R.I.P.D.", a new flick that follows two undead cops trying to solve the case of a serial killer. No word yet as to what Tobias will be playing in the film but based on name a lone I'm guessing a chimney sweep or a paper boy with a heart of gold.

Maybe I'm losing my edge but I think "Paranormal Activity 3" might be kind of good. The trailer creeped me out and today there's a clip from the film that equality creeped me out. The entire clip also takes place on a giant flat screen TV so if you listen to podcast will know that fact will drive Eric insane, which is nice. Maybe I'm just focusing my anger on those around me rather than some director in Hollywood I've never met. Let's explore each other.

The creators of "Six Degrees of Hell" are calling it next year's scariest movie and today we know why because of a new teaser. Why is the new haunted house flick so frightening? Well because Cory Feldman is in it and it and it looks like they bleached his hair for the role and as we all know that can do some serious damage to your roots. Permanent root damage is the most frightening thing in the world!

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This old guy from Kentucky is awesome! He attacked his neighbor with a coffee cup because he was staring at him. No joke! You ever been in the mall and there's some weirdo looking at you and you just want to go bash his head in with a coffee cup? This 79 year old guy did that! I want to hang out with him.

A few years back my wife and I had to stop playing Monopoly together because on more than one occasion we almost came to blows. If you're not going to sell any property then what the hell are you playing the game for?! But here's a guy who took it one step further and choked the crap out of his wife during a heated game of Yahtzee. While I can't condone this behavior I can say I understand. And that I condone it. Wait, no!

Horror Headlines: Monday August 22nd, 2011

The new FX series "American Horror Story" has a new teaser this morning and I'm not 100% sure but I think someone slipped some shrooms in my muffin. The series follows a family that moves into a new house that appears to play on all of their deepest fears. From the video it looks like those fears are bursting into flames, people in rubber suits and slutty maids. The muffin was corn if you were wondering. And it was delicious.

Sometimes the demand for a movie is so great that not even the warmongers in Hollywood can stop it from happening. "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" is just such a film and today my friends we have the first trailer for the soon to be Oscar winning epic. Nic Cage with a giant burning skull riding around on a bike blowing crap up. Prepare for your eyes to shoot out of your head and start dry humping the computer screen.

There's a gaggle of Amityville movies lined up for the near future so it only makes sense that the folks at The Asylum would throw their hats in the ring. Yes the same company that bequeathed "Titanic 2" on us. The movie will be called "Amityville Haunted" and while no specific details have been released it sounds like the movie will have no real ties to the classic story.

"Weeds" star Mary-Louise Parker is the latest addition to the growing cast of "R.I.P.D". Based on the graphic novel of the same name the undead buddy cop flick has already got Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges and Kevin Bacon in its roster. Parker will play the overseer of the secret undead agency, a role that was originally offered to Jodie Foster. I think I was next on the list after Parker so this is kind of a let down.

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As a new parent I can confirm the fact that babies take up a ton of space. Not to mention all the crap you have to shove into your car every time you want to go to Hooters. Now try to pack all that crap into a pick up truck and you get a Florida woman riding around town with a baby in a stroller in the back of a pickup truck. Don't worry though it wasn't her baby, she was just babysitting. You don't put your own baby in that kind of danger. Oh and bonus points, the entire thing was caught on video.

I don't understand this one at all. A Illinois man is under arrest after he attacked his mother with a butcher knife after she offered to make him a sandwich. Who hates sandwiches so much that they attack anyone who offers them one? Who hates sandwiches? What the hell is wrong with the world?!

Horror Headlines: Thursday March 31st, 2011

Bryan Cranston who you probably know from "Breaking Bad" is in talks to play Richter (the bad guy) in the upcoming "Total Recall" remake. I give this casting a thumbs up based solely on the fact that I have a lot of trouble telling the difference between TV and reality so I think it's cool a meth dealer is making it big in Hollywood. Gives me hope.

Denis O'Hare has joined the cast of the upcoming FX series "American Horror Story" which already features Connie Britton. The show comes to the small screen this fall and is created by the same fellas that brought you "Glee". So that's something huh! Each season will apparently feature a new cast so I'd officially throw my hat in the ring for season 2. Unless there's singing and dancing then maybe I'm not your guy.

"Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation" has wrapped principal photography and in honor of this glorious event some new images have hit the tubes for your peepers to gaze upon. before you go getting all excited you should know that the film is a prequel for 2006's "Night of the Living Dead 3D" which was honestly like having yours eyes stabbed with needles while a local towny hits you in the grunties with a hammer. Not good is what I mean, it wasn't good.

Craig Robinson is using his free time to play the role of the devil in the upcoming Lionsgate dark comedy "Rapturepalooza". The movie, which Robinson is also producing focuses on a couple trying to get back on their feet after the religious apocalypse takes place. I can't think of anything sarcastic to say here, Robinson seems like a generally nice guy and I'd like to be his friend. Wouldn't it be cool if he saw this and we became BFF's?! I swear I'd leave this website behind in a heartbeat. Nothing personal.

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Mother of god how can this be true? A Ohio morbidly obese man had to be cut out of a chair he had been sitting in for 2 years because his skin and the fabric had fused together. Disgusting yes but it would be kind of nice not having to pick out a new outfit every day.

Staten Island, home of the St. George Theatre, birthplace of Christina Aguilera and home of this guy who smeared doodie on hi ex-girlfreind's door and set it on fire. Take a day trip and visit, won't you?

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