And I'm back! Well, sort of. I mean I never really went away. I've been here the whole time. I'm just in a different state now and I've run out of excuses as to why I can't do the news. I mean I still have the same one I use all the time, "I'm a fat lazy prick" but that one doesn't really fly as well as "hey we're moving across the country and I have no internet". So the point I'm making here is I'm back at the news desk. I might not be wearing pants though... I'm 100% not wearing pants.
For those of you who have been waiting around for "The Healer", staring the creepy girl from "Orphan" Isabelle Fuhrman, I'm sorry to say it isn't going to happen. It isn't going to happen because the film, about a girl and her father who go camping to try to reconnect and find themselves in haunted territory, has been renamed "The Between". I'm sorry I toyed with your emotions back there. You look adorable when you're frightened though.
Why the hell anyone would want to see "Paranormal Activity 4" in Imax is beyond me but that isn't stopping the folks behind the film from announcing that the next chapter in the spooky camera series will find it's way to roughly 300 large screen on October 18th. They announced it because it's happening. I thought that was sort of implied though. Stupid.
Hey... HEY. Have you ever seen a found footage film... about weed? Well you're not going to see it here but we are going to the African outback with "Safari". If you couldn't have guessed the film is about a group of explorers who find themselves trapped in the desert with all the animals, heat and everything else that would make you wonder why anyone would ever want to go on a safari. You know they have a Safari ride down in Disney World right? There's literally 0 reasons you ever have to go to Africa.
I love the movie "Trollhunter" and I want Andre Ovredal, the director of said film, to sit on my face. Alright maybe that's a bit too far but god damn I love that movie so I'm super excited about the director's next project which is titled "Enormous". Based on the comic of the same name the movie will tell the tale of a world where monsters rule us all. I mean not all of us I guess, no monster is going to rule Brad Pitt. That guy is way too dreamy to be ruled.
In Real People News:
I'm not sure there's ever a reason to microwave a cat but this kid in the UK is convinced his was talking to him and that he had no other choice. Insert your own jokes here, I'd suggest something to do with the awful smell.
Police in New Mexico had to deal with a nut job the old fashioned way after they found him having a heated argument with a stop sign and not being the least bit effected when they tasered his ass. The old fashioned way I speak of it beating the crap out of him. This is America god damn it.
We hit "Orphan" with both barrels back in 
