I had to stop at the grocery store this past thursday on my way home from work. As I walked through the front door I was immediately greeted by a middle aged man hunched over gagging while an employee of the store was standing behind him giving the Heimlich maneuver. The guy who was choking looked up, locked eyes with me and then after three good thrusts shot out a giant piece of peach onto the ground. The point of this story is if you steal fruit from the grocery store and eat it eventually the powers that be will punish you.
FX CEO John Landgraf has sent down word from the mountains that "The Strain", a new series based on Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan's vampire trilogy, will be no more than 5 seasons. The show will follow a small group of rebels trying to take down a vampire empire that has taken over the world. The reason for the 5 season limit is that the shows creators are already putting it out there that the show will end with the same finale as the books, which is good news. This combined with the solid nights sleep I got last night is really starting off the week on a good foot.
Remember Alexandra Breckenridge in the first season of "American Horror Story"? Yeah, she was the slutty maid. I know! She was my favorite too. Well good news folks, she'll be returning to the show for it's third season which is being titled "American Horror Story: Coven". No word yet on what role she'll be playing but the season is suppose to be set around a group of spooky witches... I think. Really I'm just hoping for slutty witches.
I've never seen "Akira", I don't know what it's about and Japanimation in general confuses and frightens me. Apparently a live action version of the film(?) has been kicking around for a while and now "Orphan" director Jaume Collet-Serra has been attached to the project and it's officially moving forward. I bet those whack jobs dressed up like giant robots I saw walking outside the Rosemont convention center on my way to Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill are all excited about this. Or angry. I don't really understand any of this.
"House of Flying Daggers" director Zhang Yimou has officially been confirmed to be taking on the "Hunchback of Notre Dame" remake, which has also officially been confirmed I guess. Josh Brolin is set to start in the film, which is the retelling of the classic tale of Quasimodo and the main reason I grew to love Gypsies as a child. Well this story and Cher. Mostly Cher.
In Real People News:
When a sex offender moves into your neighborhood you're immediately worried about the kids. The dogs on the other hand, I never would have thought to worry about the dogs. Of course this is Florida, and looking outside to see your neighbor and your dog going at it is probably not that uncommon.
A 12 year old boy robbing a lemonade stand with a BB gun sounds just down right adorable doesn't it? Wait no, terrible. It's terrible. He's being charged with armed robbery, which is terrible. Oh man, did he have a little tiny ski mask on? Don't tell me, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
And I'm back! Well, sort of. I mean I never really went away. I've been here the whole time. I'm just in a different state now and I've run out of excuses as to why I can't do the news. I mean I still have the same one I use all the time, "I'm a fat lazy prick" but that one doesn't really fly as well as "hey we're moving across the country and I have no internet". So the point I'm making here is I'm back at the news desk. I might not be wearing pants though... I'm 100% not wearing pants.
For those of you who have been waiting around for "The Healer", staring the creepy girl from "Orphan" Isabelle Fuhrman, I'm sorry to say it isn't going to happen. It isn't going to happen because the film, about a girl and her father who go camping to try to reconnect and find themselves in haunted territory, has been renamed "The Between". I'm sorry I toyed with your emotions back there. You look adorable when you're frightened though.
Why the hell anyone would want to see "Paranormal Activity 4" in Imax is beyond me but that isn't stopping the folks behind the film from announcing that the next chapter in the spooky camera series will find it's way to roughly 300 large screen on October 18th. They announced it because it's happening. I thought that was sort of implied though. Stupid.
Hey... HEY. Have you ever seen a found footage film... about weed? Well you're not going to see it here but we are going to the African outback with "Safari". If you couldn't have guessed the film is about a group of explorers who find themselves trapped in the desert with all the animals, heat and everything else that would make you wonder why anyone would ever want to go on a safari. You know they have a Safari ride down in Disney World right? There's literally 0 reasons you ever have to go to Africa.
I love the movie "Trollhunter" and I want Andre Ovredal, the director of said film, to sit on my face. Alright maybe that's a bit too far but god damn I love that movie so I'm super excited about the director's next project which is titled "Enormous". Based on the comic of the same name the movie will tell the tale of a world where monsters rule us all. I mean not all of us I guess, no monster is going to rule Brad Pitt. That guy is way too dreamy to be ruled.
In Real People News:
I'm not sure there's ever a reason to microwave a cat but this kid in the UK is convinced his was talking to him and that he had no other choice. Insert your own jokes here, I'd suggest something to do with the awful smell.
Police in New Mexico had to deal with a nut job the old fashioned way after they found him having a heated argument with a stop sign and not being the least bit effected when they tasered his ass. The old fashioned way I speak of it beating the crap out of him. This is America god damn it.
Today we got a comment on one of our old posts that simple read "sex". I have no idea what it's referring too, the post in no way has anything to do with bumping uglies. It's the greatest comment we've ever received though and I think sums up every reason I do this. And by this I mean bang on a keyboard like a chimp for 30 minutes and send it to Eric (our Editor-in-Chief) to try an decode. You're welcome, world...
Good news for all of you patiently awaiting the first trailer for "Resident Evil: Retribution". January 18th will be the day that the trailer will hit the tubes, it'll then be showing in theaters that weekend before "Underworld: Awakening". The other good news for all of you who are excited about "Resident Evil: Retribution" is that men's Husky pants are on sale this weekend at Sears.
I'm not going to lie, I'm fairly excited for the release of "The Woman In Black". It looks creepy, that Harry Potter kid looks adorable trying to act all grown up and I'm a sucker for old timey fashions. What can I say. And here's a new poster for the film which hits theaters on February 3th. It has two of the three things I mentioned I love about the film. Oh what I wouldn't give for little Harry Potter to be in the poster smoking a pipe. But instead of smoke coming out of the pipe there's bubbles. How cute would that be!?
Remember how creepy little Isabelle Fuhrman was in "Orphan"? All fake teeth and crap. Well it looks like the little one is now in talks to join the cast of M. Night Shyamalan's upcoming Sifi flick "After Earth". The film tells the story of a world where people no longer live on earth and two hero's who find themselves stranded on the blue orb. Will and Jaden Smith are also a part of the cast. If there was any way I could pinch this movies cheeks I think I would.
It looks like "The Devil Inside" director William Brent Bell and co-writer Matthew Peterman are off to Romania to film a new as of yet titled horror flick. It's going to be a found footage film.... and it's going to be called "The Devil Insider"... and it's going to suck. Alright those last two things are lies. Well the second to last. I can't comment on the whole sucking thing. I'm not god.
We hit "Orphan" with both barrels back in Episode 83 of the BGH Podcast. While opinions were mixed some, including myself, thought this was a pretty good flick for what it was. If nothing else, you owe yourself a rental just so you can make up your own mind.
News landed today that starting on September 2nd, the unreleased episodes from last summer's "Fear Itself" will be available on FearNET. There will be 5 episodes in total.
On casting news, "True Blood's" Ann Woll joins the cast of Darren Lynn Bousman's "Mother's Day" remake. No word on what character she'll be playing. The production is shooting for a Spring release, so expect production to ramp up pretty quickly as we move into late Summer/Fall.
So Robert Rodriguez's "Machete" has the weirdest cast ever. Robert Deniro, Lindsay Lohan, Michelle Rodriguez... I'm pretty sure this is some kind apocalyptic sign here. Syfy should write this into their miniseries.
In Real People News:
This guy's scam to cheat on his wife and swindle women through Craigslist was going really well, until he got caught and they super-glued his dangle to his stomach. Awwwwww shit... I don't care what that guy did, that is NOT COOL.
1945: At 9:15am, Col. Paul Tibbets releases "Little Boy" over Hiroshima and executes a hard, 159-degree turn. 40 seconds later, the Atomic Bomb detonates, yielding a 12.5 kiloton explosion and a huge, black mushroom cloud. About 45,000 people are killed immediately, and another 200,000 are killed in later years by leukemia and other radiation illnesses.
Kate (Vera Farmiga) is one damaged mommy. She battles alcoholism -- a disease which nearly cost her the life of her young daughter -- and she recently gave birth to a still-born baby girl. She's out of work, and her mother-in-law is a hateful pain in the ass. Things could be going better.
Thanks to one Mr. Jon Schnaars the entire podcast team will be heading out to the theaters this weekend to watch “Orphan”. I have to say when I first saw the trailer before “Drag Me To Hell” this past May I groaned loud enough for the people in the next theater to hear me. But with the film's release coming today we’re seeing a lot of decent reviews popping up. Even the bad ones are saying the film is pretty entertaining.
The people behind "Orphan" are finally kicking the promotion train into gear, with a slew of new pics today. Seriously? A week away from release? The studio's lack of enthusiasm should tell you all you need to know about this one.