Underworld: Awakening

Horror Headlines: Thursday, January 12th, 2012

Today we got a comment on one of our old posts that simple read "sex". I have no idea what it's referring too, the post in no way has anything to do with bumping uglies. It's the greatest comment we've ever received though and I think sums up every reason I do this. And by this I mean bang on a keyboard like a chimp for 30 minutes and send it to Eric (our Editor-in-Chief) to try an decode. You're welcome, world...

Good news for all of you patiently awaiting the first trailer for "Resident Evil: Retribution". January 18th will be the day that the trailer will hit the tubes, it'll then be showing in theaters that weekend before "Underworld: Awakening". The other good news for all of you who are excited about "Resident Evil: Retribution" is that men's Husky pants are on sale this weekend at Sears.

I'm not going to lie, I'm fairly excited for the release of "The Woman In Black". It looks creepy, that Harry Potter kid looks adorable trying to act all grown up and I'm a sucker for old timey fashions. What can I say. And here's a new poster for the film which hits theaters on February 3th. It has two of the three things I mentioned I love about the film. Oh what I wouldn't give for little Harry Potter to be in the poster smoking a pipe. But instead of smoke coming out of the pipe there's bubbles. How cute would that be!?

Remember how creepy little Isabelle Fuhrman was in "Orphan"? All fake teeth and crap. Well it looks like the little one is now in talks to join the cast of M. Night Shyamalan's upcoming Sifi flick "After Earth". The film tells the story of a world where people no longer live on earth and two hero's who find themselves stranded on the blue orb. Will and Jaden Smith are also a part of the cast. If there was any way I could pinch this movies cheeks I think I would.

It looks like "The Devil Inside" director William Brent Bell and co-writer Matthew Peterman are off to Romania to film a new as of yet titled horror flick. It's going to be a found footage film.... and it's going to be called "The Devil Insider"... and it's going to suck. Alright those last two things are lies. Well the second to last. I can't comment on the whole sucking thing. I'm not god.

In Real People News: 

Drunk girls can be so fun! Here's a story about one in Connecticut who punched a cab driver and then tried to use the excuse that she's disabled when she was arrested. She isn't and it didn't work. So she went with the "It's always the illegals that get away with the (some foul words no website will print)." Oddly enough, that didn't work either.

A 62 year old woman in Florida is under arrested after she bashed her husband head in with a hammer because he was watching Judge Judy. I've always said that those Judge Joe Brown fans are a danger to society and need to be locked up.

Horror Headlines: Monday, January 9th, 2012

Do people still use the word "cherry" to describe their virginity? Ya know like, "I totally lost my cherry to Johnny by the dumpster after last week's dance"? Anyway when I was little I always thought I would lose my cherry to The Jeff Healey Band's timeless classic "Angel Eyes". For those of you not familiar with Jeff Healey he's the blind guitar player who was in "Road House". If you're not familiar with "Road House" then there isn't much I can do for you.

Apparently my opinion means nothing because the National Society of Film Critics has named Lars Von Trier's "Melancholia" as their number one film of 2011. What that actually means I couldn't tell you but "Drive Angry" is nowhere to be found on the list so I'm calling the entire thing bullshit.

I continue to cover "Underworld: Awakening" news only because Eric has now already gone on record that it will be his number 1 film for 2012. So here's a new clip from the film for Eric to enjoy. It's got Kate Beckinsale blowing some crap up and running around in a cat suit. I assume at least. I didn't really watch them. These were specifically made for Eric.

The only thing I know about "The Grey" is that Liam Neeson fights a bunch of wolves in it. I have no idea what else anyone would want to know about the movie though because that's so bad ass it makes my tummy hurt. Just look at this new poster for the film. Neeson all bad ass in the snow and crap. Does your tummy hurt? No? Well I drank some Baileys that expired 3 years ago yesterday so that might be what's doing it for me. We may never know.

If you liked "Splice" then you're not me. Which explains why you never put in any sort of effort with the news. I should stop getting pissed at you I guess. But the director of the film, Vincenzo Natali, has been tapped to direct a new film titled "Haunter". The twist here is the movie is a haunted house story, but told through the eyes of a spirit haunting the house. Did your nose just start bleeding? That's because I just blew your mind.

In Real People News: 

I'll be the first to admit I don't get art. I mean don't get me wrong I understand a painting of a house is a house. But smears and all that Andy Warhol garbage is just lost on me. For that reason I don't really go to museums. If I did I might have to do like this woman in Denver, who is now being brought up on charges for trying to pee on a $30 Million painting while she was drunk.

A Oklahoma man is in some hot water after he went into a maternity store, started trying on bras and dresses and then exposed himself to everyone. I'm so baffled by this I can't come up with something witty to say. Well done my friend.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, December 29th, 2011

The band Phish is playing near my office for the next three nights and I'm not going to lie I'm kind of tempted to go see them. In my hometown during the summer there wasn't much to do so you would pretty much go to any concert at the local outdoor arena. And when I say go I mean you would get to the parking lot 4 hours before the show, drink and smoke till you could barely walk and then hop the fence into the concert. You know what it's like to be the only guy in a sea of hippies wearing a Megadeth t-shirt?

The Cure and Linkin Park park all on one CD!? Tell me their songs are also remixes and I'm going to punch someone in the face from excitement. They are?! I can be speaking only of the "Underworld: Awakening" soundtrack, who's track listing of hot lix has been released. Lacuna Coil and Evanescence too? You shut your god damn mouth.

When I'm looking for the straight dope on a topic I always look to Charlize Theron. She's no nonsense and up until about 2 weeks ago when I heard her speak for the first time I thought she was adorable. So when she says that she thinks "Mad Max: Fury Road" is neither a prequel or a sequel to the much loved post apocalyptic road warrior series, I think I believe her. She also thinks the lead role is still being played by Tom Hardy. She's not positive though. I don't want to sound sexist but she should probably stop talking and just look pretty.

I have no idea what the hell TomCat Films is but they released a trailer for their new film "Panman" and I think I might be smitten. It's a movie about a demon chef who kills people and the best part is he does all this while wearing a pot on his head. It's a hoot. Check out the trailer and dig into the new poster for the film. Get it... dig in... like you would food. I'm awesome.

I'm not going to bother telling you the plot of Syfy's new film "Arachnoquake". I'm just going to tell you it stars Edward Furlong and Tracey Gold. If you've forgotten, Tracey Gold was the nerdy sister on "Growing Pains" who was arrested for driving drunk with her husband and their 3 kids in the car. Edward Furlong, well he was in the "Night Of the Demons" remake recently and was once arrested twice in the same day for driving without a license and being drunk behind the wheel. What I'm saying is this is going to be the greatest wrap party ever.

In Real People News: 

Big brother is watching my friends. And he's also tweeting and posting on facebook while he's at it. According to a recent report it appears that there's a gaggle of Homeland Security agents who spend their days making fake twitter and facebook accounts to follow suspected criminals. What's better is they've also discovered some of the hot words and phrases that will trigger your account to be followed. Strangely enough "I'm going to blow up the nearest landmark" is not on the list.

It's just about lunch time, right? Here's a story about a teenage girl who's been arrested after putting human feces in cake frosting and serving it to her fellow classmates. Eat up.

Horror Headlines: Monday November 14th, 2011

I'm two books into "The Hunger Games" trilogy and I'm not going to lie, I actually like them a lot. The entire time though I've had a weird feeling that I'm getting into some sort of strange "Twilight" cult by reading them. Now I've seen the trailer for the first film and it's confirmed. I'm the next big teenage heartthrob book series. Soon I'm going to have to pick which guy I like better and get his name tattooed on my ass.

I think Eric, BGH's CFO, might be the only person in the world who is excited about "Underworld: Awakening". The film is the fourth installment in the long running vampires vs. werewolfs series and hits theater in full frontal 3D this coming January. To celebrate all it's glory here's a new poster for you to view. It's got Kate Beckinsale all gunned up. Well it's got a painting or something of her. She's like 37 or something now and that's disgusting in real life.

Isn't it cool how Sam Raimi puts Bruce Campbell in all his movies? Ya know as a "hey remember when we made low budget horror flicks together? I appreciate you man". Well it looks like Bruce's cameo in Sam's new film "Oz: The Great and Powerful" has already been cut before the cameras even started to roll. I bet it's because some woman told Sam to do it. Freakin Yoko Ono's.

John Ritter is not going to let being dead for 8 years stop his acting career. His new film "Terror Tract", about a real estate agent who terrorizes a couple, is now streaming on Netflix for your viewing pleasure. Alright the movie has actually been sitting around since before Ritter's death in 2003 but it's a lot more fun to pretend he's acting from beyond the grave. Spooky Ritter!

In Real People News: 

Hitting your girlfriend in the head with your guitar is awful enough but when you rattle off something like "When a woman messes with my guitar, she messes with my world." you just sound like a douche. Ya know, a bigger douche then if you had just hit her.

And here's a story about a guy accused of going down on a female dog. Happy Monday!

Horror Headlines: Wednesday September 21st, 2011

If there's one thing people say to me after they get over the shock of meeting a real life podcast superstar it's that they wish "Underworld: Awakening" would be released in IMAX 3D. Well folks your dreams have been answered. No I don't mean the one you keep having of me where I'm floating above your bed in a school girl outfit I mean the IMAX thing. Because if you're not going to see Kate Beckinsale on a 700 foot screen you shouldn't see her at all. My measurements may be a bit off. Just FYI.

I'm not going to lie, the first trailer for "Paranormal Activity 3" made me go peepee in my pants a little bit. Just a little bit! And now here's a new poster for the flick. It didn't make me wet myself but it did give me a strange pressing sensation on my bladder. It then made me have a sharp stabbing pain that was immediately followed by a extreme burning. I think I may need to go see a doctor.

I love behind the scenes photos from movies sets. I love to see actors doing the same things I do. Things like drinking coffee, eating a sandwich or watching people make number 2 through a hole they drilled in the bathroom wall. And here's some cool pics of Kevin bacon, Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds on the set of "R.I.P.D.", a new flick about two living dead cops on the hunt for a killer. Sorry, they aren't doing any of those things I said. I probably shouldn't have given you that impression.

Ti West, who I think is kind of a jerk for making "The House of the Devil" and for having that name and not being Asian, looks to finally be getting a release for his flick "The Innkeepers" thanks to the folks at Magnolia Pictures. The film, which focuses on a pair of investigators trying to prove a hotel is haunted as it's being shut down, will be released on VOD on December 30th before a theatrical release is given in February.

In Real People News: 

I remember the terror as a child when I realized it was show and tell day and I had nothing. Apparently the same terror ran through this Texas kid's head because he decided to grab his mom's crack pipe and drugs and bring them in to school. Next week he can bring in her mug shot. Way to plan ahead.

And here's a frightening story about a gang of drag queens that are terrorizing a Florida town and looting local shops for supplies to complete their drag-drobes. That's a new term I just made up for drag wardrobes. You're welcome RuPaul.

Horror Headlines: Friday August 19th, 2011

The world doesn't need another "Underworld" movie but according to recently polls the world does need partly nude Kate Backinsale. It just so happens that both of these collide in the giant werewolf vs vampire masterpiece that is "Underworld: Awakening" which has its first trailer ready for your viewing. Watch it and let us know if anything awakened. You sinner you.

Ridley Scott is confirming that he will direct and produce a new "Blade Runner" film in the not to distant future. Unfortunately that's about all the info that's been released on the project so no telling if the film will be a sequel, prequel or even a remake. Will Harrison Ford be in it? Will I see it 18 years after it's release date and wonder what the hell the big deal is like the original? Only time will tell.

I'm not going to lie, I like the way Carla Gugino is put together. Now that that's out in the open I'd like to tell you about "Hide", a new made for TV film she'll be staring in that sees her playing the role of Boston detective investigating a case of 6 women who turn up mummified. Will she have an accent? Oh I hope she has an accent!

Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu has a name I couldn't begin to try an pronounce but he's directed a bunch of movies that smart people like so it's probably exciting news for anyone who reads the Wall Street Journal that he's signed on to direct a new bear attack movie set in 1823 titled "The Revenant". I can also not pronounce that title so this guy's 2 for 2 on me. I smell Oscar.

In Real People News: 

It seems like common knowledge but apparently this Idaho woman doesn't know the unwritten rule of making sure the elderly person you're stealing prescription medicine from is senile enough to not remember anything. She must have been absent that day in school.

And here's a 22 year old from Maine who was arrested after he stole a man's credit card. How did they catch him? Well he called the credit card company to see what kind of credit limit he was working with. For god's sake you set up an online account if you want to do that crap. Everyone knows that.

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