ryan reynolds

Horror Headlines: Thursday October 11th, 2012

I've already made all the jokes I can think of about thinking Ryan Reynolds is hot and I've also already made the joke about how I've made all the jokes so I'm pretty much out of material here. Let's just get to the point then and talk about how he's in talks to play the lead in a new film titled "Voices". The film is a dark comedy about a factory worker who accidentally kills a woman and begins to hear voices as he tries to cover it up. Then let's talk about those two pools of wonderment he calls eyes.

"Snow White and the Huntsman" director Rupert Sanders is apparently in talks to direct Tom Cruise in a dark new version of Van Helsing. I know people on the intertubes blow things out of proportion a lot of the time with crap like this but I'm 99% sure my eyes will shoot blood if and when I'm forced to watch this.

Troubling news from the "Chronicle" camp. It looks like the smart folks over at Fox have shot down Max Landis' script for the sequel because they just want the same film as the first. What Fox isn't taking into account is the first film wasn't very good. And that whiny kid's face was all annoying when he started tossing around cop cars and crap. And the first film wasn't that good.

Yes they're making a "ThanksKilling 3" and no there wasn't a "ThanksKilling 2" and yes the reason for that is 100% confusing. There's something about the killer turkey trying to find a copy of the second movie... which never actually existed... and then a lot of puppets die or something. I'm just lost.

In Real People News: 

If you're in Texas, 19 and about to go to jail for underage drinking I guess you might as well just reach down and twist the arresting officer's nuts. What do you really have to lose at that point.

4 cops in Milwaukee are in hot water after they were busted abusing their rectal search privileges. Apparently every person who does a rolling stop doesn't have drugs smuggled up their back side. Maybe it is best to be on the safe side and check anyway though.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, August 9th, 2012

"Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters", staring Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton has been kicking around for some time now but with a January 11th release date looming you would think the film was pretty wrapped up. No so my friends. It looks like the folks over at Paramount are now testing the film in both R and PG-13 rating form. I can only assume this means one version will have the 3 boobed hooker alien and one version won't. Wait no, that's a different movie.

I've made a ridiculous amount of "I think Ryan Reynolds is hot" jokes on this site so I'm just going to skip it this time. I'm just going to tell you about the new movie titled "Queen Of the City" he's working on where he stars as a father who begins to find clues that his child may still be alive 8 years after she was abducted. I'm not going to close with a weird comment about his rock hard abs. I'm not even going to mention is dreamy eyes that you get lost in every time you look at them.

Just in time for the holiday season IFC is set to release a new documentary titled "The Jeffrey Dahmer Files" which follows a lovable pup across the country has he tries to find the family that accidentally left him behind. Wait wait no, that's all wrong. it's about Jeffrey Dahmer, the guy who was arrested in 1991 for the murder of 17 people. It's an honest mistake.

I don't know why I get so excited about Bigfoot movies, especially since there's so many of them coming out in the near future. I think it might be because our very own Mark just gets so excited about them and any time he gets that twinkle of excitement in his eyes the world just seems a little bit brighter. I may have said too much. "Bigfoot County" is a new found footage flick about a group of filmmakers on a hunt to find the large hairy one.

In Real People News: 

I'm don't know what to say here except "vibrating hot dogs".

It's a couple days old but I think it's important to make sure everyone knows about this Russian swim team that performed their synchronized swimming routine to Suspiria by Goblin. It's important because there's not much coverage of the Olympics out there and I'm not sure people know it's even going on.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, June 28th, 2012

There's a new trailer for the "Total Recall" remake out but that's not the big news here. The big news is that in the trailer we have 100% confirmation that there's a 3 boobied hooker. I know, I can barely type I'm so excited. This might be the greatest day in the history of the world.

There can only be one "Highlander"! Well actually there can be multiple. There was for sure a sequel and now there's a remake of the 1986 cult classic that I've never seen. But I might see the remake, because Ryan Reynolds has been confirmed to be taking the lead in the film. I'm not going to go into why I will see it now because of him. I don't have to explain myself to you.

Sing this with me. I... like... movies with Danny Trejo. Charlie Sheen playing the president. And.. AND... TWINS! Remember those commercials?! Well I do and I'm talking about Elise and Electra Avellan being added to the cast of "Machete Kills". For those of you who don't follow the work of Robert Rodriguez the Avellan twins were those two girls from "Planet Terror" and the original "Machete" flick. Your move, 3 boobied alien.

For those of you who have been waiting with baited breath for the new "Carrie" remake I have the honor or breaking the news to you that production has officially begun in Toronto. For those of you who love freedom and hate maple syrup I have to misfortune of telling you that the "Carrie" remake has begun production in Toronto.

In Real People News: 

Here's a Seattle man who loves flashing so much that he stopped off on his way to court to flash some people. What was he on his way to court for? Well if I have to tell you that then you probably don't get any of my comic wit now do you.

When you're a pizza delivery lady and you come back to your car after making a drop off to find a naked man attacking your car and claiming it's his it's really best to just let him do his thing. That's just sound advice if you ask me.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday September 21st, 2011

If there's one thing people say to me after they get over the shock of meeting a real life podcast superstar it's that they wish "Underworld: Awakening" would be released in IMAX 3D. Well folks your dreams have been answered. No I don't mean the one you keep having of me where I'm floating above your bed in a school girl outfit I mean the IMAX thing. Because if you're not going to see Kate Beckinsale on a 700 foot screen you shouldn't see her at all. My measurements may be a bit off. Just FYI.

I'm not going to lie, the first trailer for "Paranormal Activity 3" made me go peepee in my pants a little bit. Just a little bit! And now here's a new poster for the flick. It didn't make me wet myself but it did give me a strange pressing sensation on my bladder. It then made me have a sharp stabbing pain that was immediately followed by a extreme burning. I think I may need to go see a doctor.

I love behind the scenes photos from movies sets. I love to see actors doing the same things I do. Things like drinking coffee, eating a sandwich or watching people make number 2 through a hole they drilled in the bathroom wall. And here's some cool pics of Kevin bacon, Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds on the set of "R.I.P.D.", a new flick about two living dead cops on the hunt for a killer. Sorry, they aren't doing any of those things I said. I probably shouldn't have given you that impression.

Ti West, who I think is kind of a jerk for making "The House of the Devil" and for having that name and not being Asian, looks to finally be getting a release for his flick "The Innkeepers" thanks to the folks at Magnolia Pictures. The film, which focuses on a pair of investigators trying to prove a hotel is haunted as it's being shut down, will be released on VOD on December 30th before a theatrical release is given in February.

In Real People News: 

I remember the terror as a child when I realized it was show and tell day and I had nothing. Apparently the same terror ran through this Texas kid's head because he decided to grab his mom's crack pipe and drugs and bring them in to school. Next week he can bring in her mug shot. Way to plan ahead.

And here's a frightening story about a gang of drag queens that are terrorizing a Florida town and looting local shops for supplies to complete their drag-drobes. That's a new term I just made up for drag wardrobes. You're welcome RuPaul.

Horror Headlines: Monday August 22nd, 2011

The new FX series "American Horror Story" has a new teaser this morning and I'm not 100% sure but I think someone slipped some shrooms in my muffin. The series follows a family that moves into a new house that appears to play on all of their deepest fears. From the video it looks like those fears are bursting into flames, people in rubber suits and slutty maids. The muffin was corn if you were wondering. And it was delicious.

Sometimes the demand for a movie is so great that not even the warmongers in Hollywood can stop it from happening. "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" is just such a film and today my friends we have the first trailer for the soon to be Oscar winning epic. Nic Cage with a giant burning skull riding around on a bike blowing crap up. Prepare for your eyes to shoot out of your head and start dry humping the computer screen.

There's a gaggle of Amityville movies lined up for the near future so it only makes sense that the folks at The Asylum would throw their hats in the ring. Yes the same company that bequeathed "Titanic 2" on us. The movie will be called "Amityville Haunted" and while no specific details have been released it sounds like the movie will have no real ties to the classic story.

"Weeds" star Mary-Louise Parker is the latest addition to the growing cast of "R.I.P.D". Based on the graphic novel of the same name the undead buddy cop flick has already got Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges and Kevin Bacon in its roster. Parker will play the overseer of the secret undead agency, a role that was originally offered to Jodie Foster. I think I was next on the list after Parker so this is kind of a let down.

In Real People News: 

As a new parent I can confirm the fact that babies take up a ton of space. Not to mention all the crap you have to shove into your car every time you want to go to Hooters. Now try to pack all that crap into a pick up truck and you get a Florida woman riding around town with a baby in a stroller in the back of a pickup truck. Don't worry though it wasn't her baby, she was just babysitting. You don't put your own baby in that kind of danger. Oh and bonus points, the entire thing was caught on video.

I don't understand this one at all. A Illinois man is under arrest after he attacked his mother with a butcher knife after she offered to make him a sandwich. Who hates sandwiches so much that they attack anyone who offers them one? Who hates sandwiches? What the hell is wrong with the world?!

Horror Headlines: Friday July 29th, 2011

Kevin Bacon has signed on to the big screen adaptation of "R.I.P.D.", a comic book that follows two undead cops who still walk the beat. Bacon looks to be playing a villain in the film and Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds have already been confirmed as the cop duo. Bacon in between Reynolds and Bridges? Sounds delicious.

It's about time a horror movie was set in Poland. Yes "Haunted Poland", which has a new trailer, looks like it's a pretty bad rip off of "Paranormal Activity" and yes it looks like it had a budget of about 9 bucks but still. Poland! Land of kielbasa and perogies. Exporters of some of the finest strippers ever to take the stage. If I knew their national anthem I'd be singing it right now.

Concept art for Robert Rodriguez flick "Fire and Ice" has hit the tubes and it looks like it's taken from the most bad ass white trash van in 1984. Based on the artwork of Frank Frazetta the film's synopsis gave me a headache when I tried to comprehend it but from what I can understand there's some guys who fight glaciers and have to find some sort of fire thing and then get help from a wolf. I'm way off I'm sure but the way I explain it sounds pretty awesome so they should make a movie out of that too.

Finally the movie we've all been waiting for will get its DVD on August 30. I'm speaking of course about "Lizard Boy" the heartwarming tale about a doctor who fuses human DNA with a lizard and raises the freak outcome as his son... only to find he's developed a pretty hefty taste for human blood. What, no Blu-Ray version? How am I suppose to watching this when it isn't in pure crystal clear HD?

In Real People News: 

This is very very wrong but I can't say I'm not a little impressed by the guy who put hidden cameras in a Florida apartment being rented by two Bulgarian women in their 20s. Ya know what, I'm not sure if I believe this story. I'm going to need to see this footage before I can make any judgments.

A woman in South Carolina is currently facing obscenity charges due to the fact that she was driving around town with a plastic ball sack hanging off her truck. The case is currently in front of a judge and honestly I've never wanted to be called for jury duty until now. I'd probably be dismissed for giggling like a school girl though.

Horror Headlines: Thursday May 26th, 2011

Good news fans of 3D shark movies that aren't titled "Jaws 3D"! "Shark night 3D" now has a trailer for your dirty little peepers to enjoy. Could this be the next "Piranha 3D"? The answer is yes! As long as you mean "Piranha 3D" without any of the over the top gore, nudity or anything else that made it a fun movie. Get excited!

Jeff Bridges has been confirmed to play opposite Ryan "Make Me Question My Sexuality" Reynolds in the big screen adaptation of "R.I.P.D.". The movie focuses on two undead cops who work in the dead department of the local police department. One is a cowboy and one has washboard abs, I wonder which one Bridges will play.

Just when you've lost all hope in humanity the MPAA comes along and makes you think that maybe you shouldn't walk into your local Walmart and start going ape shit with a 9 iron... I've said too much. Anywho! "Fright Night" has been given an R rating for "bloody horror violence and language including some sexual references.". That's the point here... ignore the 9 iron stuff. Ignore it all.

I have no idea how you determine a release date for a movie that hasn't even begun filming but it looks like Sam Raimi's "Oz: The Great and Powerful" will find the light of day on March 8, 2013. James Franco will play a magician who finds himself in the land of Oz after his balloon is blown off course. This date better be right because I just bought tickets and put in for the day off at my office. Don't eff me over, Raimi!

In Real People News: 

A California woman is all red in the face after she reported her cell phone lost to local police after the person who found it started texting the nude photos she had of herself on the phone to people in her contact list. This is funny because the same thing happened to me about 3 years ago and ever since then the guy who delivers my Chinese food always gives me an extra egg roll.

And if you thought your week has sucked here's a story about a New Zealand man who fell from his truck, landed on a air compressor that went directly up his ass and then was blown up like a balloon. The kid at Starbucks screwing up your stupid macchiato isn't so bad now is it.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday March 1st, 2011

I could have sworn this already happened but apparently "Screen Gems" has acquired the rights to the big screen adaptation to the much loved video game "Devil May Cry". For those of your not familiar with the games there's a guy named Dante, a giant sword and some demons. That about covers it I think. Wait, no! There's a gun too.

Chris Sparling wrote "Buried", the best Ryan Reynolds trapped in a box movie of 2010, and now he's stepping behind the camera with a little ditty titled "Falling Slow". The film will focus on a couple, played by Mandy Moore and Rodrigo Santoro, who move into a haunted apartment. If I was a betting man I'd say any movie with someone named Rodrigo in a starring roll is going to be 100% caliente.

Tobe Hooper, who I believe created a low budget rip off of that chainsaw flick that came out a few years back, has been confirmed to direct a new supernatural thriller titled "Djinn". Djinn is apparently some sort of Arabian demon and I guess in this movie that demon does some nasty crap to a couple's apartment after they return from their trip to the US. I'm not positive but it sounds like this movie might not be patriotic.

What's more prestigious than making a crappy Syfy flick? Making the 200th crappiest Syfy flick of all time! Well the new After Dark opus "Scream of the Banshee" will have the honor on March 26th. That's all really need to know but if you're looking for plot just think banshee scream, then you die. That about covers it.

In Real People News: 

Nothing worse for a teenager then having your mother catch you trying to hide the girl you were just getting busy with in the closet. Especially if that woman happens to be a 40 year old who may or may not have a serious addiction to crack. I didn't read anything about the crack but from the picture I'm just guessing.

Nothing like some good old fashion competition between two local pizza shops. Of course it may be going to far when one owner dumps a crap load of mice into the other owner's shopb but still, all is fare in a pizza war. There's books written on the rules somewhere.

Buried (REVIEW)

Ryan Reynolds in Buried

It seems prudent to get this out of the way up front: no, the film's trailers and title are not misleading. The entire 90 minutes of Rodrigo Cortes's "Buried" does indeed take place in a coffin containing Ryan Reynolds, who plays an American contractor in Iraq. He has been kidnapped and buried alive for ransom.

Whew! That feels better.

"Buried's" very essence is a gimmick, and there really isn't any reason to beat around the bush -- if the gimmick works for you, the film is going to be a win. If it doesn't, you're not likely to be won over.

Around the Web

Syndicate content

What's New?

We talk about Joe's feelings. ALL of them.

Podcast

So this one's quite the... head-scratcher...

Podcast

Latest Reviews

Search

Around The Web