Welcome to July my friends, the most patriotic month in all the land. Unless of course you're not from America. If that's the case you probably just see it as a really hot month where all the Americans wear tank tops with American flags on them. It's a win for everyone.
I've never seen an episode of "Lost" but I know people are nutso for it and I know the final episode was crap. I think that's enough for me. But the rest of the interwebs might be excited to learn that Elizabeth Mitchell is once again teaming up with J.J. Abrams for a new show titled "Revolution." Mitchell will play a loving mother on the show that focuses on a family that must reunite in a post-apocalyptic world. Andrea Roth was originally set to play the role and she was on "Rescue Me" which is a show I did watch and no one hated the last episode of so I disagree with this move.
Olly Blackburn has replaced Gary Fleder in the director role in the upcoming Dimension Films slasher flick "Kristy." The film focuses on a young girl who stays in her college dorm over Thanksgiving break and finds herself stalked by 4 masked men. You might remember Olly Blackburn as the director of 2008's "Donkey Punch." I remember him as the guy who directed a movie I thought was a porn but actually turned out to be just a bunch of rich kids on a boat doing drugs and killing each other.
"Smiley" is a new horror film about a serial killer that can be summoned through the internet and actually looks not too shabby. Sort of. This isn't the news here though. The news is that the film will receive an October 11th release date via something called Tugg, Inc. which allows people to vote on what movies will be available at their local theaters. I don't know how that works so I'm not going to bother trying to explain. The film will also be available for viewing on the movie's website in both a PG-13 and R rated form. Later on it will also be available on VOD, DVD and Blu-Ray. Even later on though it will be available via interpretive dance performed by a local group of elderly tap dancers with hearts of gold.
If you saw "Shark night 3D" and thought "I really hope to see more of these actors sometime soon" then you're in luck because Chris Zylka, who was also on 2 episodes of "Hannah Montana", has been added to the cast of the second season of "American Horror Story". No word as to what role he'll be playing and honestly who cares. The guy fought sharks, in 3D, anything he does is gold baby. Gold!
I’ll be upfront here. This is less of a review and more of an autopsy on “Shark Night 3D” as a film but also the critical response to it. First, Let’s take stock of what all “Shark Night 3D” had going for it. You have David R. Ellis directing, someone who should know the pitfalls and perils of constructing a “deliberately bad” movie after his experience with “Snakes on a Plane” and “Homeward Bound 2: Lost in San Francisco”. Like last year’s “Piranha” the film is marketed as that best sort of tongue-in-cheek-title-says-it-all kind of manner.
"Shark Night 3D" is like "Piranha 3D" only it's rated PG-13 so it's going to be missing all of the good stuff, AKA blood and boobs. Nonetheless it hits theaters on September 2nd and a new TV spot has hit with all kinds of shark biting action... So it's got some good things going for it. Like kids can get in to see it without a parent or guardian. So that's a plus for the moms out there. Maybe drop the kids off at the theater and go treat yourself with a mani-pedi and a carton of Virgina Slims.
If you left your AC filled home this weekend to see "Cowboys & Aliens" then you probably saw the trailer for Andrew Niccol's new Sci-Fi flick "In Time". For those of you who didn't though you're in luck because it's on the intertubes also! Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried star in the film which takes place in a future where a person's time left on this earth has replaced our legal tender. I'm guessing from the cast list it's also a future where all ugly people have been done away with also. I can't wait for this future.
If you've been waiting for "A Serbian Film" to hit Blu-Ray and DVD so you can own the sickest film I've ever had the misfortune of watching then you're in luck, and you should be imprisoned. For those of you not familiar with the film it is focused on Serbia's greatest porn star who comes out of retirement for one last hoorah only to find he's become a part of some sort of sick and twisted extreme form of gonzo film making. October 25th is the date that you can pick it up and I assume also be added to some sort of government watch list. Happy Halloween you freakin deviants.
If you're like me then you spend most of your time sitting on the couch watching these crap movies eating cheese curls all weekend. Mother of god I love cheese curls. But it might be time to put them down and get some exercise because a new 5K race called Run For Your Lives is coming and it looks pretty kick ass. Participants will test their endurance on a 5K run that's chock full of obstacles and teaming with zombies. Not real ones I assume, that would be pretty dangerous, but still it sounds kind of frightening.
In Real People News:
A 20 year old New Hampshire Dunkin Donuts employee is in deep crap after he was caught putting snot in a cop's coffee. How did he get caught you might ask? Why by the security cameras of course. Something you would think an employee would know about, but hey what do I know.
I've always been amazed by these people who will fork over thousands of dollars to a vet just so their disgusting cat can live a few extra months. Apparently neither did a Florida man who refused to pay for his wive's cat's medical bills. Of course his wife then went nuts and started stabbing him so maybe he should have just shelled out the cash so Mr. Whiskers could stick around a little longer. Pets are stupid.
"Watchmen" writer Alex Tse has been picked up by the fellas at Relativity Media to pen the long delayed remake of "The Crow". For those of you who weren't fortunate enough to be a part of the madness that was the original 1994 flick, it starred Brandon Lee as a man who comes back from the dead to avenge his and his fiancee's murder. Brandon Lee also died on the set... and the movie sucked... and it pretty much created Hot Topics. Can't wait.
John Lithgow and a bunch of apes. I've had dreams that start like this. But that's neither here nor there my friends because a new international trailer for "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" has hit the tubes and it's full of hot monkey on monkey action. The film focuses on apes that will eventually take over the planet in the distant future. I should apologize to those of you who may have been under the impression there was monkey porn in the trailer based on my comments. Sickos.
For those of you out there who were actually excited about David R. Ellis’ "Shark night 3D" I've got some bad news for the 7 of you. The shark attack camp out flick has been slapped with a PG-13 by the folks at the MPAA. Just so we're clear PG-13 means no nudity, minimal swearing and most importantly absolutely no fun whatsoever. Boo this man!
Looks like the Miami Metro Police is getting itself an intern in the form of Josh Cooke. Cookie (new nickname I've just decided to give him) will join the cast of "Dexter" for season 6 which is currently ramping up for production. Sir Cooks A Lot will play a new addition to the team and apparently become buddy buddy with creepy bald Asian, Masuka. I smell romance!
In Real People News:
Colorado police are on the hunt for a man who has apparently been hiding inside the tank of a large portable toilet at an outside yoga festival. There's really nothing funny or sarcastic that could make this any weirder so let's just agree to never speak of it again. Moving along now.
If I was going to list the most frightening ways to die I'm pretty sure having a 300 pound man attack me with a battle ax would probably make the top 10. And here's a story about a man who was murdered in just such a way. Poor SOB.
Good news fans of 3D shark movies that aren't titled "Jaws 3D"! "Shark night 3D" now has a trailer for your dirty little peepers to enjoy. Could this be the next "Piranha 3D"? The answer is yes! As long as you mean "Piranha 3D" without any of the over the top gore, nudity or anything else that made it a fun movie. Get excited!
Jeff Bridges has been confirmed to play opposite Ryan "Make Me Question My Sexuality" Reynolds in the big screen adaptation of "R.I.P.D.". The movie focuses on two undead cops who work in the dead department of the local police department. One is a cowboy and one has washboard abs, I wonder which one Bridges will play.
Just when you've lost all hope in humanity the MPAA comes along and makes you think that maybe you shouldn't walk into your local Walmart and start going ape shit with a 9 iron... I've said too much. Anywho! "Fright Night" has been given an R rating for "bloody horror violence and language including some sexual references.". That's the point here... ignore the 9 iron stuff. Ignore it all.
I have no idea how you determine a release date for a movie that hasn't even begun filming but it looks like Sam Raimi's "Oz: The Great and Powerful" will find the light of day on March 8, 2013. James Franco will play a magician who finds himself in the land of Oz after his balloon is blown off course. This date better be right because I just bought tickets and put in for the day off at my office. Don't eff me over, Raimi!
If you're waiting for one borderline softcore porn 3D horror flick to come out it's probably "Pirahana 3DD". But if you're waiting for two than the second has got to be "Shark Night 3D" which now has a new poster out for your peepers with the clever tag line "Terror Runs Deep". Because as you are all well aware, Shark Nights terror runs deep, so deep, put her ass to sleep.
If you were in Cannes last week, and honestly if you weren't I'm not sure I want you reading my news, you got a chance to see the new film "Take Shelter". But for you homeless people who couldn't make it the filmmakers were nice enough to make a trailer for the flick that follows a man obsessed with building up a storm shelter with the fears that his nightmares might come true. Watch it from the computer at your local soup kitchen or whatever.
Say what you want about Rob Zombie, the guy knows horror. Weather or not he can make it well is debatable but his next film "The Lords of Salem" has my interest peaked based on the fact that Zombie said in a recent post there won't be any CGI gore in the flick. So even if the film turns out to be crap the blood should still look pretty cool. "Black Sunshine" is still a pretty cool song too.
I can't even begin to understand what the hell is going on in the new trailer for the Korean film "The Cat" but what I can tell you is there is most certainly a cat in the movie. Or maybe there isn't, I don't know. It may kill people, it may get killed or it may be a metaphor for something I will most likely be confused by. There's a poster too... which I don't understand either.
In Real People News:
Here's a heartwarming story about a mother in Brooklyn who decided she wasn't up for the whole mothering thing and opted to toss her baby down her apartment building's trash chute. Which is where you toss all the things you don't want, weather it's a moldy cheesecake or a child, obviously.
If you haven't seen "A Serbian Film" well then consider yourself lucky. I'm not going to say why, but there are some things that no amount of soup in the eyes will wash away. I still wake up crying in the middle of the night sometimes. But good news for deviants and future sex offenders out there, it's getting a US release in selected theaters on May 17th in both it's R and NC-17 forms. In honor of this event a new red-band trailer and website have lunched for the movie. Both of which I refuse to view. You've been warned.
Chloe Moretz, who I've dubbed this generation's Macaulay Culkin, minus the coke habit and schizophrenia, has officially been added to the cast of the upcoming Tim Burton big screen adaptation of the vampire soap opera "Dark Shadows". The cast already includes the likes of Johnny Depp, Jackie Earle Haley, Michelle Pfeiffer and Helena Bonham Carter. Just to be clear I have no idea if Culkin is a coke head or a schizophrenic but it would be awesome if he was.
I'm going to make a prediction here folks and if I'm wrong I will personally come to each and every one of your houses and open mouth kiss you as an apology. Here it is. "Shark Night 3D" will be the single greatest movie to ever appear on the silver screen. Put it in the books! If you doubt me then just take a gander at the new photo that's hit the tubes of the film. It's got a shark! What more do you need?! I think I've made my point.
Would you like to know what the second greatest movie of all time will be? So would I! But while we try to figure that out here's the trailer for "The Toolbox Murders 2" which I honestly think in no way ties to the first one. Of course I didn't see it. I saw the original one from 1978 though and there was a women in a bathtub getting dirty while listening to weird country music. So... that's something, right?
In Real People News:
I always wondered what happens when a mailman has to make a number two while he's out walking the route. Well it looks like I have my answer, they take a boom boom in your bushes. Or at least one mailman in Portland did and then got suspended. But still I assume this is what they all do, they just don't get caught.
A woman in Kansas faces charges of keeping a vicious animal after police found her 8 foot long albino python. How did they find it? Well when it freaked out and latched onto her neck she had to call the police for help. I wonder if they got the snake off before they cuffed her. I like to think they didn't.
A new red band trailer for "Hobo with a Shotgun" has hit the nets and it's everything you could want and more. And by more I mean there's a Santa who gets his head shot off. Unless that is something you want, in which case I suggest you seek help immediatly. It's Santa you sicko.
A new trailer for "Insidious" chock full of random quotes from websites I've never heard of has found it's way online and the obvious question is why I haven't been contacted for a quote. I know the movie comes out today but it can't be too late to get in on this. Here goes, "Insidious" is the most frightening movie to ever be invented and will make you soil yourself in the best way possible! I'm a whore.
The MPAA has emerged from their castle high atop the mountain of doom and bestowed a PG-13 rating on the upcoming vampire hunter flick "Priest". I think you can say the F word once with that rating right? Oh man I hope they do it during some awesome fight scene or something. Like Priest kills a bunch of vampires and then looks at the screen and goes "Fuck yeah folks!". So awesome.
Well that's a bummer. David Ellis calling his next project "Untitled Shark Thriller 3D" was apparently all a big joke! The movie will in fact be titled the much more boring "Shark Night 3D". You think I like to be made a fool of, David? It's going to take a lot for me to get over this betrayal.
In Real People News:
Thank sweet baby Jesus. The missing cobra from the Bronx zoo which has had me locked up in my apartment for days now has finally been found. Where was it? In the snake house of course! Was it me who said that thing should have been burned to the ground days ago? I think it was! Sucks being right all the time. Snakes are useless.
Daniel Stamm saw box office success with "The Last Exorcism" this past weekend and he's already looking ahead to future projects. While not yet certain, the director has said that his next film may be "Twelve Strangers", a supernatural thriller. This film is slated to be the second entry in the M. Night Shyamalan "Night Chronicles" trilogy.
There has been some confusion on the announcement of Dimension revealing their plans for a ninth "Hellraiser" film, planned for direct to video release instead of the rumored remake of the original film. Finally revealing their plan, the studio cited the ticking clock on their option to the franchise forcing them to move ahead on "Hellraiser: Revelations" since concrete plans for the remake were no where near coming to fruition.
In Real People News:
A Dallas man sat in court to receive his sentence for an outstanding assault charge. When the judge announced that he would receive 40 years in prison, the 47 year old man pulled a razor blade from his pocket and slit his own throat. Thwarted by those around him, the man was removed from the courtroom with bandages wrapped around his neck with a scheduled pit stop at the ER on his way to prison.
On this day in history:
1969 - Troops led by Muammar Qaddafi execute Operation Jerusalem, seizing control of Libya in a military coup.