MPAA

Horror Headlines: Thursday May 26th, 2011

Good news fans of 3D shark movies that aren't titled "Jaws 3D"! "Shark night 3D" now has a trailer for your dirty little peepers to enjoy. Could this be the next "Piranha 3D"? The answer is yes! As long as you mean "Piranha 3D" without any of the over the top gore, nudity or anything else that made it a fun movie. Get excited!

Jeff Bridges has been confirmed to play opposite Ryan "Make Me Question My Sexuality" Reynolds in the big screen adaptation of "R.I.P.D.". The movie focuses on two undead cops who work in the dead department of the local police department. One is a cowboy and one has washboard abs, I wonder which one Bridges will play.

Just when you've lost all hope in humanity the MPAA comes along and makes you think that maybe you shouldn't walk into your local Walmart and start going ape shit with a 9 iron... I've said too much. Anywho! "Fright Night" has been given an R rating for "bloody horror violence and language including some sexual references.". That's the point here... ignore the 9 iron stuff. Ignore it all.

I have no idea how you determine a release date for a movie that hasn't even begun filming but it looks like Sam Raimi's "Oz: The Great and Powerful" will find the light of day on March 8, 2013. James Franco will play a magician who finds himself in the land of Oz after his balloon is blown off course. This date better be right because I just bought tickets and put in for the day off at my office. Don't eff me over, Raimi!

In Real People News: 

A California woman is all red in the face after she reported her cell phone lost to local police after the person who found it started texting the nude photos she had of herself on the phone to people in her contact list. This is funny because the same thing happened to me about 3 years ago and ever since then the guy who delivers my Chinese food always gives me an extra egg roll.

And if you thought your week has sucked here's a story about a New Zealand man who fell from his truck, landed on a air compressor that went directly up his ass and then was blown up like a balloon. The kid at Starbucks screwing up your stupid macchiato isn't so bad now is it.

Horror Headlines: Friday April 1st, 2011

A new red band trailer for "Hobo with a Shotgun" has hit the nets and it's everything you could want and more. And by more I mean there's a Santa who gets his head shot off. Unless that is something you want, in which case I suggest you seek help immediatly. It's Santa you sicko.

A new trailer for "Insidious" chock full of random quotes from websites I've never heard of has found it's way online and the obvious question is why I haven't been contacted for a quote. I know the movie comes out today but it can't be too late to get in on this. Here goes, "Insidious" is the most frightening movie to ever be invented and will make you soil yourself in the best way possible! I'm a whore.

The MPAA has emerged from their castle high atop the mountain of doom and bestowed a PG-13 rating on the upcoming vampire hunter flick "Priest". I think you can say the F word once with that rating right? Oh man I hope they do it during some awesome fight scene or something. Like Priest kills a bunch of vampires and then looks at the screen and goes "Fuck yeah folks!". So awesome.

Well that's a bummer. David Ellis calling his next project "Untitled Shark Thriller 3D" was apparently all a big joke! The movie will in fact be titled the much more boring "Shark Night 3D". You think I like to be made a fool of, David? It's going to take a lot for me to get over this betrayal.

In Real People News: 

Thank sweet baby Jesus. The missing cobra from the Bronx zoo which has had me locked up in my apartment for days now has finally been found. Where was it? In the snake house of course! Was it me who said that thing should have been burned to the ground days ago? I think it was! Sucks being right all the time. Snakes are useless.

I was pretty stupid when I was 7 but even then there is no way I would have allowed some kid at school to give me a fake flu shot with a syringe he found on the way to school. Apparently I'm not as hardcore as these kids in Massachusetts though.

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