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Horror Headlines: Thursday May 26th, 2011

Good news fans of 3D shark movies that aren't titled "Jaws 3D"! "Shark night 3D" now has a trailer for your dirty little peepers to enjoy. Could this be the next "Piranha 3D"? The answer is yes! As long as you mean "Piranha 3D" without any of the over the top gore, nudity or anything else that made it a fun movie. Get excited!

Jeff Bridges has been confirmed to play opposite Ryan "Make Me Question My Sexuality" Reynolds in the big screen adaptation of "R.I.P.D.". The movie focuses on two undead cops who work in the dead department of the local police department. One is a cowboy and one has washboard abs, I wonder which one Bridges will play.

Just when you've lost all hope in humanity the MPAA comes along and makes you think that maybe you shouldn't walk into your local Walmart and start going ape shit with a 9 iron... I've said too much. Anywho! "Fright Night" has been given an R rating for "bloody horror violence and language including some sexual references.". That's the point here... ignore the 9 iron stuff. Ignore it all.

I have no idea how you determine a release date for a movie that hasn't even begun filming but it looks like Sam Raimi's "Oz: The Great and Powerful" will find the light of day on March 8, 2013. James Franco will play a magician who finds himself in the land of Oz after his balloon is blown off course. This date better be right because I just bought tickets and put in for the day off at my office. Don't eff me over, Raimi!

In Real People News: 

A California woman is all red in the face after she reported her cell phone lost to local police after the person who found it started texting the nude photos she had of herself on the phone to people in her contact list. This is funny because the same thing happened to me about 3 years ago and ever since then the guy who delivers my Chinese food always gives me an extra egg roll.

And if you thought your week has sucked here's a story about a New Zealand man who fell from his truck, landed on a air compressor that went directly up his ass and then was blown up like a balloon. The kid at Starbucks screwing up your stupid macchiato isn't so bad now is it.

Horror Headlines: Monday April 25th, 2011

If you haven't seen "Scream 4" yet than I don't want to spoil it for you but without saying too much Wes Craven sat down recently to drop that there will most likely be another 2 films in the series. You see at the end someone ends up being the murderer and that will most likely cause a lot more issues for someone else and a few other people. Then some things happen.

Looks like there's trouble in Oz my friends. Sam Rami and the good people at Disney appear to be having a disagreement over the casting in the upcoming flick "Oz: The Great and Powerful". Apparently Rami wants Hillary Swank to play one of the main witches and Disney wants Michelle Williams. I haven't been contacted for my opinion but if pressed I'd have to say I don't care either way. Mark it down!

All the world has Mortal Kombat fever right now kids and the recent spike in interest of the classic video game is pushing the long held up next film in the franchise along. Looks like not only is Warner Brothers very interested in making a new film based on the game but also with the classics Space Invaders and Rampage. Sweet lord how I loved Rampage when I was a kid. My fat little digits making a giant Gorilla, Werewolf and Lizard fight each other. It was like heaven.

"House at the End of the Street", which focuses on a girl who moves in next door to a house where a double murder takes place and then befriends the one survivor, has been given a February 3, 2012 release date. Elisabeth Shue stars as the girl's mother so look for countless "MILF" references on that podcast in just under a year from now.

In Real People News: 

In honor of Easter a group of teens in Seattle decided to descend on their "friend's" home in the middle of the night and put almost 900 peeps on skewers on his front lawn. Do they need help cleaning that up? I love those freakin' things, I could eat at least 800 of them. The rest probably have bird crap on them or something.

An Ohio man is not taking his recent run in with the law lightly. He's currently working on having a law that states you can't tease police dogs overturned because it goes against his right to free speech. Of course he's mainly doing this because he recently broke the law, but still, who doesn't want to live in a world where our children can go around harassing police dogs without having to worry about the consequences?

Horror Headlines: Monday March 28th, 2011

"Apollo 18", the hey-spooky-things-live-on-the-moon film has been pushed to January 6 of next year. The movie was originally suppose to be released last month and was pushed to April 22nd. Honestly this works out pretty well for me because I already had plans on the 22nd so I say this is a win. Just in case anyone was wondering.

There's been talk of a "Child's Play" remake for some time now but little movement. Well today there's still little movement but word around the campfire is MGM will be pushing this one out of its loins and they're shooting for a 2012 release date. Does it make you uncomfortable when I use the word "loins"? It should.

When the hell was it announced that Sam Rami was doing a "Wizard of Oz" flick? Did I break the news? Let's pretend I did! Anyway Mila Kunis has been cast as Theodora in the movie currently titled "Oz: The Great and Powerful" and from the sounds of things I think she plays a good witch who wants to get freaky with a guy, gets shot down and then goes batty. Witchy woman!

On April 7th the good people over at A&E: Bio Channel will be airing "Scream: The Inside Story", a big ol rub and tug fest about the phenomenon that is Wes Craven's "Scream" franchise. That air date seems pretty close if they want to get my interviews in. I haven't even gotten any calls yet. Weird.

In Real People News: 

Are you freakin kidding me?! The reptile house at the Bronx Zoo has been closed due to a cobra that went missing. Honestly the only thing to do is burn the whole thing down just to be safe. I've said it before and I'll say it again, snakes serve serve no purpose in the world but to be terrible. Fact!

A 22 year old man in Florida was arrested recently after he swung an ax at his 60 year old mother and then forced her to watch movies with him for close to 7 hours. Was it the "Lord of the Rings" movies? I bet it was. They should give that guy the chair.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday January 19th, 2011

Every day I look on the tubes for news that's going to grab you by the lips and yank. Some days that task is pretty hard. Today is not one of those days. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a very NSFW clip of from "Drive Angry" where Nic Cage is having sex with a women while having a gunfight. I don't want to say you should skip the rest of the news but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't going to go downhill after this.

Because "Piranha 3D" is hitting DVD and Blu-Ray and that gives us a reason to continue being pervs, the makers recently held an online "Hottest Babes in Horror" showdown on their site. The winner? One Miss Eliza Dushku. The losers? A porn stay way past her prime, a girl I think is someone but if I'm wrong I sound really racist and a bunch of other people I don't recognized. So yeah, congrats.

Michael Tully is a director and he's created a movie called "Septien" that has the greatest movie poster I've seen this year. No there isn't anyone nude on it, sometimes I can be classy to you know. The movie focuses on a gambler who returns home after being away for years to reconnect with his insane brothers. Side note, I have no idea how to pronounce the title of this film.

"Dibbuk Box", which sounds like a Japanese prono, has added Kyra Sedgwick to it's ever growing cast list. From Sam Raimi's Ghost House Pictures, the movie follows the story of a young boy who becomes strangely attracted to a wooden box that contains a soul chomping demon. Sedgwick will play the unlucky tike's mother.

In Real People News: 

Nothing ruins a day of fun like losing your grip on the inflatable sex doll that you're floating down a river on. Luckily these Australian teens were rescued after the mishap and all is now well again. From the photo I think the sex doll made it out OK too, so happy times all around.

Cops ruin everything, fact. Here's a story of a guy who was playfully running around a highway completely naked after getting all wacky on LSD and booze and then the cops had to come along and taser him, three times. On second thought that sounds really awesome and the only bad part is that it wasn't captured on film.

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