oz: the great and powerful

Horror Headlines: Thursday, December 22nd, 2011

I'm pretty sure now that I've read "The Hunger Games" I'll be getting my "special visitor" any day now but god damn if I'm not excited about the big screen adaptation of the book. I mean look at this new fake nail polish ad with Elizabeth Banks all prettied up. Just look at it. I've never been more ashamed of myself.

Andrzej Bartkowiak directed the movie "Doom", which was based on a video game and was awesome. If you think it was terrible then I think you're terrible. Sorry I have to be so harsh around the holidays. The reason I'm letting you know all this is Bartkowiak has now been tapped to direct a new film titled "Beneath the Deep", a new film about a group of travelers trapped in the Caribbean with some locals who see them as intruders. Sounds like my in-laws! But seriously folks, what's the deal with airplane food?

Sam Raimi is directing "Oz: The Great and Powerful" so it was pretty much a no brainer that Bruce Campbell would pop up in the film somewhere. But then Bruce took to the tweets and said he wasn't going to be able to be in the film. But now, now it looks like he is because in a recent interview he said he shot a small but pivotal scene in the film. More on this developing story as it unfolds.

"The Darkest Hour" comes out on Christmas and I've explained the plot so many times in the news that if you don't know it by now then you don't read this every day and there's a good chance you're not reading it now so I'm not sure why I'm even typing this. Here's a new clip from the film where a reporter gets all blown up and crap. Thank you for your business.

In Real People News: 

Much to my surprise it's illegal to post a picture of your toddler bound and gagged on Facebook. Time to think up a new Christmas card idea.

Here's a heartwarming story from Florida about a mother who is in hot water after she was arrested for pimping her 8 year old daughter. Think about that on Christmas when you don't get your Dry-Hump-Me Elmo or whatever is popular now and you say you have the worst mom ever.

Horror Headlines: Monday August 8th, 2011

I'm willing to give my friend Rob Zombie as many chances as his crispy disgusting hair wants to toss out. That's just the kind of guy I am. So when he takes to the twitter and says his new film "The Lords of Salem" is looking "demented, perverted satanic", I'm intrigued. For those of you not familiar with the film it's a heartwarming tale about a group of witches who come back from the great beyond to bring death and destruction on modern day Salem. Sounds like they also get some action also. Good for them.

It's about time there was a Roller Derby slasher film isn't it? That is of course if there already hasn't been one and I just haven't seen it. Let's pretend "MurderDrome" is the first of its kind though. The film is about an up and coming roller star who gets caught in a love triangle that eventually evolves into a demon filled blood bath. Demon roller people? That's got to be a new idea. Was there a demon in that Drew Barrymore flick that came out a couple years ago? I never saw it.

For those of you who haven't had a chance to get John Carpenter's "The Ward" you'll be able to get your disgusting little syrup stained hands on the DVD and Blu-Ray on August 16th. And today we've got some cover art, which is the same as the movie poster, and specs, commentary with John Carpenter and star Jared Harris. So there you have it, the same image you've seen 100 times already and some commentary with an actor who's in the movie about 15 minutes. Operators are standing by.

While it's no big surprise it's still nice to see that Bruce Campbell will in fact be in Sam Raimi's upcoming new film "Oz: The Great and Powerful" which tells the story of how everyone's favorite Wizard came to be. That is of course unless you consider those weirdos from "Lord of the Rings" to be your favorite wizards. And if that is the case I'd ask you to kindly stop reading my news.

In Real People News: 

What's worse than throwing a cat out of a seven story window? Raping it beforehand. But I guess when you're high on meth you do those sort of things. Or when you're from Iowa. I don't know the difference really.

Apparently there's a big problem in the Ukraine with restaurants keeping bears and forcing them to drink booze for other people's amusement. This is the first time I've ever wanted to go to the Ukraine.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday June 21st, 2011

Fans of the first two "Hellboy" films might want to cover up their cereal bowls because I'm about to piss all over your Wheaties. According to Hellboy creator Mike Mignola there's no chance of director Guillermo del Toro ever returning to make a third film. So i guess that does mean a 3rd film could be made without del Toro but who the hell wants to see that. The Canadians maybe but not this guy. Those hockey rioting sickos would probably eat that crap up with ketchup.

For those of you who aren't complete burnouts an can remember all the way back to 2004 you might remember some pretty bold words from Danny Elfman about never working with Sam Raimi again after his experience on "Spiderman 2". Well it looks like the Elf Man has had a change of heart and has signed on to do the score of Sam's new "Wizard of OZ" inspired flick "OZ: The Great and Powerful". So good news for those of you who are still holding out for an Oingo Boingo reunion.

Remember the days when people actually enjoyed Wes Craven's movies? Well I do and you should respect your elders you snotty little smartass. Anyway his 1977 classic film "The Hills Have Eyes" is finally being given the Blu-Ray treatment and will hit shelves on September 6th. So far no word on extras yet but this might be a nice place to record a little apology for "My Soul to Take".

If you're like me then you're still washing your eyes our with soap and water after seeing a Kane Hodder sex scene in "Hatchet 2". But here's a new slasher flick staring the Hodster as a creepy gas station owner who also seems to be obsessed with women titled "Exit 33". The flick has just been given an August 2nd release date and I can't imagine we'll see any hot Hodder action in it but if we do it'll most likely be in a gas station bathroom. Can you imagine what that would smell like?

In Real People News: 

How the hell did they not think of this sooner? The fine people at New York's LaGuardia Airport have put in a place a new plan to take geese that are in the way of planes taking off and ship them off to Pennsylvania. What happens to them there? They're slaughtered, cooked and fed to homeless people! I hope the cook is wearing a loin cloth and listening to Viking metal while he throws the geese into the oven. That's the only way this could be more awesome.

And here's a story about Chinese scientists who have come up with a new genetically modified cow that can produce milk that's similar to human breast milk. No clue as to when something like this would become available but there's a 100% chance I will accidentally buy this and put it on my Lucky Charms.

Horror Headlines: Thursday May 26th, 2011

Good news fans of 3D shark movies that aren't titled "Jaws 3D"! "Shark night 3D" now has a trailer for your dirty little peepers to enjoy. Could this be the next "Piranha 3D"? The answer is yes! As long as you mean "Piranha 3D" without any of the over the top gore, nudity or anything else that made it a fun movie. Get excited!

Jeff Bridges has been confirmed to play opposite Ryan "Make Me Question My Sexuality" Reynolds in the big screen adaptation of "R.I.P.D.". The movie focuses on two undead cops who work in the dead department of the local police department. One is a cowboy and one has washboard abs, I wonder which one Bridges will play.

Just when you've lost all hope in humanity the MPAA comes along and makes you think that maybe you shouldn't walk into your local Walmart and start going ape shit with a 9 iron... I've said too much. Anywho! "Fright Night" has been given an R rating for "bloody horror violence and language including some sexual references.". That's the point here... ignore the 9 iron stuff. Ignore it all.

I have no idea how you determine a release date for a movie that hasn't even begun filming but it looks like Sam Raimi's "Oz: The Great and Powerful" will find the light of day on March 8, 2013. James Franco will play a magician who finds himself in the land of Oz after his balloon is blown off course. This date better be right because I just bought tickets and put in for the day off at my office. Don't eff me over, Raimi!

In Real People News: 

A California woman is all red in the face after she reported her cell phone lost to local police after the person who found it started texting the nude photos she had of herself on the phone to people in her contact list. This is funny because the same thing happened to me about 3 years ago and ever since then the guy who delivers my Chinese food always gives me an extra egg roll.

And if you thought your week has sucked here's a story about a New Zealand man who fell from his truck, landed on a air compressor that went directly up his ass and then was blown up like a balloon. The kid at Starbucks screwing up your stupid macchiato isn't so bad now is it.

Horror Headlines: Monday April 25th, 2011

If you haven't seen "Scream 4" yet than I don't want to spoil it for you but without saying too much Wes Craven sat down recently to drop that there will most likely be another 2 films in the series. You see at the end someone ends up being the murderer and that will most likely cause a lot more issues for someone else and a few other people. Then some things happen.

Looks like there's trouble in Oz my friends. Sam Rami and the good people at Disney appear to be having a disagreement over the casting in the upcoming flick "Oz: The Great and Powerful". Apparently Rami wants Hillary Swank to play one of the main witches and Disney wants Michelle Williams. I haven't been contacted for my opinion but if pressed I'd have to say I don't care either way. Mark it down!

All the world has Mortal Kombat fever right now kids and the recent spike in interest of the classic video game is pushing the long held up next film in the franchise along. Looks like not only is Warner Brothers very interested in making a new film based on the game but also with the classics Space Invaders and Rampage. Sweet lord how I loved Rampage when I was a kid. My fat little digits making a giant Gorilla, Werewolf and Lizard fight each other. It was like heaven.

"House at the End of the Street", which focuses on a girl who moves in next door to a house where a double murder takes place and then befriends the one survivor, has been given a February 3, 2012 release date. Elisabeth Shue stars as the girl's mother so look for countless "MILF" references on that podcast in just under a year from now.

In Real People News: 

In honor of Easter a group of teens in Seattle decided to descend on their "friend's" home in the middle of the night and put almost 900 peeps on skewers on his front lawn. Do they need help cleaning that up? I love those freakin' things, I could eat at least 800 of them. The rest probably have bird crap on them or something.

An Ohio man is not taking his recent run in with the law lightly. He's currently working on having a law that states you can't tease police dogs overturned because it goes against his right to free speech. Of course he's mainly doing this because he recently broke the law, but still, who doesn't want to live in a world where our children can go around harassing police dogs without having to worry about the consequences?

Horror Headlines: Monday March 28th, 2011

"Apollo 18", the hey-spooky-things-live-on-the-moon film has been pushed to January 6 of next year. The movie was originally suppose to be released last month and was pushed to April 22nd. Honestly this works out pretty well for me because I already had plans on the 22nd so I say this is a win. Just in case anyone was wondering.

There's been talk of a "Child's Play" remake for some time now but little movement. Well today there's still little movement but word around the campfire is MGM will be pushing this one out of its loins and they're shooting for a 2012 release date. Does it make you uncomfortable when I use the word "loins"? It should.

When the hell was it announced that Sam Rami was doing a "Wizard of Oz" flick? Did I break the news? Let's pretend I did! Anyway Mila Kunis has been cast as Theodora in the movie currently titled "Oz: The Great and Powerful" and from the sounds of things I think she plays a good witch who wants to get freaky with a guy, gets shot down and then goes batty. Witchy woman!

On April 7th the good people over at A&E: Bio Channel will be airing "Scream: The Inside Story", a big ol rub and tug fest about the phenomenon that is Wes Craven's "Scream" franchise. That air date seems pretty close if they want to get my interviews in. I haven't even gotten any calls yet. Weird.

In Real People News: 

Are you freakin kidding me?! The reptile house at the Bronx Zoo has been closed due to a cobra that went missing. Honestly the only thing to do is burn the whole thing down just to be safe. I've said it before and I'll say it again, snakes serve serve no purpose in the world but to be terrible. Fact!

A 22 year old man in Florida was arrested recently after he swung an ax at his 60 year old mother and then forced her to watch movies with him for close to 7 hours. Was it the "Lord of the Rings" movies? I bet it was. They should give that guy the chair.

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