dark shadows

Episode 207 - "Dark Shadows"

alt

Oh Tim Burton, you scamp!

Purchase this Back Episode $

Trailers: Check out Tim Burton's "Dark Shadows"!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, get your hate machine's running! It's time to comment on the trailer for Tim Burton's "Dark Shadows"!

It's creepy and it's kooky, and all together spooky, it's A..."Dark Shadows" movie. Not what I was expecting from the project at all. But I must admit; I kind of like this trailer. It could be entertaining, but if Tim Burton thinks this is the essence of the original show... he's high.

Oh yah, I'm biased; I love me some Helena Bonham Carter and I think she looks great in orange. I'm just going to get that out of the way here and now.

Horror Headlines: Thursday November 3rd, 2011

I'm not sure a logo is actually news but here's the new one for the "Evil Dead" reboot that will at least give people a chance to bitch about there being a reboot. The flick won't hit theaters till sometime in 2013 and if you're not in the know like I am the big twist on this update is that Ash, or whatever they're going to call him, is taking his sister to a cabin in the woods to help her kick her drug habit. That's going to make all the makeout scenes a lot weirder I bet.

I'm going to go ahead and say it. "True Blood" is the worst thing to ever happen to TV. Yeah yeah I know you think Snookie or whatever the hell her name is is hot but that doesn't change anything. So why do I still report on it you might ask? Well who the hell are you to question my selection of news items? Go to hell! Lucy Griffiths is joining the cast next year. She's British and will play Eric Northman's sister. Is that alright with you!?

Mr. Robert Englund has been confirmed for Syfy's next installment in the "Lake Placid" series currently titled "Lake Placid: The Final Chapter". If you couldn't have guessed by the title the good people at Syfy are saying this will be the last installment in the giant crock attack series. I assume there will be some sort of parade in Hollywood to celebrate all of this magic. Maybe a national day of mourning.

In other casting news, it looks like the walking corpse that is Alice Cooper has been cast in Tim Burton's big screen adaptation of the "Dark Shadows". Cooper will play himself in the flick which takes place in 1972. And I can't think of another good "he's really old" joke so just make up your own here.

In Real People News: 

I don't even know how you handle something like this. Georgia cops rolled up to an odd scene Tuesday when they found a couple wandering around the road naked looking for their dachshund that they gave a gummy worm covered with LSD. Don't worry the LSD didn't kill the dog! A speeding car did.

Time and time again I've posted odd news on here of people doing things I don't condone, but I understand. So here's a story about a man who broke into two apartments, assaulted a man and stabbed another while trying to find some beer.

Horror Headlines: Friday September 23rd, 2011

If I had to list my favorite Afflecks in order of awesomeness Casey would for sure be in the top five. Think it over, I'll wait. Good, now that's your back I'd like to tell you about how Casey Affleck has now been cast in the new flick "Paradise Lost", an epic tale of archangels Michael and Lucifer battling it out and how this impacted the downfall of Adam and Eve. Affleck will play Gabriel and I'd appreciate it if someone who knows about bible stuff tells me if that's a good or a bad thing.

AMC has pulled the trigger on a new talk show that will air immediately following episodes of "The Walking Dead" this fall. The show will be called "The Talking Dead" (get it!?) and be hosted by comedian Chris Hardwick. The more projects this guy takes on the less hope I have for a "Love Line" reunion. Didn't you always want him and Jenny McCarthy to get together? But no that home wrecking tramp Carmen Electra had to come in and ruin it all. Curse you Electra!

Oh Tom Six, you sick sick SOB. Today we've got a new poster for his new film "The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)" which looks to be a lot more human centipedey than the first one. Which I don't think is a good thing but it's something for sure. I don't know what to believe anymore.

And because you needed to see something that would make you want to overdose on some sort of cool drug the kids are doing that I don't know about here's the first full cast image from "Dark Shadows". For those of you not familiar with the original show it's some kind of vampire soap opera where none of the vampires twinkle in the sunlight. I think it was British too. That's a lot to take in isn't it? That's what she said.

In Real People News: 

I knew this kind of crap happens! Here's an optometrist who's being brought up on charges because he put his penis on a girl's mouth while putting in her eye drops. God only knows what the dentist did to me while I was having my wisdom teeth out. I'm pretty sure them telling me they had to remove them rectally was bull crap.

Oh all the portable devices sure are fun aren't they? Why you can take your movies and fun anywhere these days. Like this guy who's going to jail because he lost his iPad and the person who found it decided to take a look around his hard drive and discovered a bunch of kiddie porn. Technology is super awesome.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, September 14th, 2011

Ever see that show on MTV "My Super Sweet 16"? Well if you have then you've probably also had the urge to get in your car, dive to these spoiled pricks home and end them. Well got bless Bobcat Goldthwait because he made a movie called "God Bless America" with just such a plot. What's better is said film has been picked up by Magnolia pictures and will be finding it's way to VOD in the near future. Yes, I watch a lot of crap on cable.

Rodrigo Cortés made everyone giddy last year when he put Ryan Reynolds in a box for 90 minutes and just let him talk. Well his follow up to that is "Red Lights" staring Robert De Niro as a famous psychic who returns to the spotlight after 30 years of being off the radar. Then he gets put in a box for an hour and we just bask in all his glory. Probably not. Check out the new trailer and see if I'm a giant liar. I love you.

If you were a big fan of the vampire soap opera "Dark Shadows" as a kid then I'm willing to bet you spent a lot of time along in your room talking to your privates. But now Tim Burton is making a movie about the tv show and it stars Johnny Depp so people will love it and you and your genitals can go out into the world with pride. Here, look at these new photos from the set. Everyone looks so pale. Pasty is going to be the new tan. I'm going to be famous!

In Real People News: 

Here's a fun story about a father who faces charges after he kicked his son in the stomach because he was making spelling mistakes at school. Awful yes, but I'm a terrible speller, always have been. If I thought there was a swift kick to the stomach waiting for me when I brought home a D on my spelling test I probably would have tried harder.

And here's a story about a man who was decapitated by a train at Penn Station in NYC this past weekend. Which is weird because I have heard nothing about this on the news. I have however been fully briefed on what's going on with fashion week.

Horror Headlines: Monday April 18th, 2011

If you haven't seen "A Serbian Film" well then consider yourself lucky. I'm not going to say why, but there are some things that no amount of soup in the eyes will wash away. I still wake up crying in the middle of the night sometimes. But good news for deviants and future sex offenders out there, it's getting a US release in selected theaters on May 17th in both it's R and NC-17 forms. In honor of this event a new red-band trailer and website have lunched for the movie. Both of which I refuse to view. You've been warned.

Chloe Moretz, who I've dubbed this generation's Macaulay Culkin, minus the coke habit and schizophrenia, has officially been added to the cast of the upcoming Tim Burton big screen adaptation of the vampire soap opera "Dark Shadows". The cast already includes the likes of Johnny Depp, Jackie Earle Haley, Michelle Pfeiffer and Helena Bonham Carter. Just to be clear I have no idea if Culkin is a coke head or a schizophrenic but it would be awesome if he was.

I'm going to make a prediction here folks and if I'm wrong I will personally come to each and every one of your houses and open mouth kiss you as an apology. Here it is. "Shark Night 3D" will be the single greatest movie to ever appear on the silver screen. Put it in the books! If you doubt me then just take a gander at the new photo that's hit the tubes of the film. It's got a shark! What more do you need?! I think I've made my point.

Would you like to know what the second greatest movie of all time will be? So would I! But while we try to figure that out here's the trailer for "The Toolbox Murders 2" which I honestly think in no way ties to the first one. Of course I didn't see it. I saw the original one from 1978 though and there was a women in a bathtub getting dirty while listening to weird country music. So... that's something, right?

In Real People News: 

I always wondered what happens when a mailman has to make a number two while he's out walking the route. Well it looks like I have my answer, they take a boom boom in your bushes. Or at least one mailman in Portland did and then got suspended. But still I assume this is what they all do, they just don't get caught.

A woman in Kansas faces charges of keeping a vicious animal after police found her 8 foot long albino python. How did they find it? Well when it freaked out and latched onto her neck she had to call the police for help. I wonder if they got the snake off before they cuffed her. I like to think they didn't.

Horror Headlines: Thursday February 3rd, 2011

Oh boy! Tim Burton's new "Dark Shadows" movie just got a whole lot sexier because Jackie Earle Haley has been added to the cast. Johnny Depp will star in the film but no one will be watching him with that hunky Jackie prancing around the screen with his creepy get in my van smile. Bella Heathcote has also been added to the cast and much to my surprise is not a porn star.

Booo Paramount, boo! Apparently there's been a "Pet Cemetery" remake in the works for some time now but up until recently it wasn't getting much action. But now it looks like a script is almost done and a director search is moving forward. Matthew Greenberg, who wrote the script for King's "1408" as well is just about done with his new updated version of this sucker.

I don't know if this is suppose to be good news but Wes Craven says he isn't re-shooting scenes for "Scream 4" but actually adding pivotal scenes. So just to confirm, he watched his movie and didn't see scenes that he thought could be better or done different, no he saw scenes that were completely missing all together. I'm not good with math or words but honestly I think the re-shooting sounded better.

MTV has announced that their new series based on the 90's classic "Teen Wolf" will hit the air on June 5th. Based on everything I've heard about their latest show "Skins" I am fully expecting this one to feature full frontal nudity and partial if not full penetration. I'll consider anything less a complete failure.

In Real People News: 

Not going to lie, I don't see anything wrong with this one. A Minnesota man is being brought up on animal cruelty charges after he tried to mail a 4 month old puppy to Atlanta. Did he not poke holes in the box? Is that what he did wrong? Should he have put a bone in the box with the dog? Seriously, I'm drawing a blank here.

In what sounds like a Lifetime movie here's a story about a Nebraska women who beat the holy living hell out of a guy with a frying pan after he tried to sexually assault her. I would have gone with a Loony Tunes reference here but I don't recall those having many attempted rape scenes in them.

Horror Headlines: Friday December 10th, 2010

Inspired by true events? Anthony Hopkins? Exorcism? Movie? These are all words you can read! There also words that describe the film "The Rite" which finally has a trailer. We're off to a good start today.

Patrick Alvarez, someone I have no idea about, has been tapped to direct "Girls", a movie about a girls slumber party gone terribly wrong. Apparently this is not a porn, which might explain the terribly wrong part. Or maybe that's just for me. At the very least there better we a tickle fight.

If you didn't see Duncan Jones' "Moon" then you missed out because it was awesome and it had zero Jake Gyllenhaal's. Unfortunately his follow up "Source Code" has one Jake Gyllenhaal but you should still give it a chance. Based on the new behind the scenes photos of the pic it might have a chance, if that jackass doesn't smile with the stupid goofy face of his.

Johnny Depp on the new Tim Burton film "Dark Shadows" which is based on the cult TV show, "it's gotten f**kin' good". That is all.

In Real People News: 

How do you slow down speeding drivers? Set up cardboard cutouts of police women in mini skirts of course. I can't believe it took this long for us to figure that out.

Even with a cold black heart I still couldn't help but get a little choked up about this one. Scrub is an adorable kitten that found it's way home 5 years after it was lost in hurricane Katrina. If you're not crying then you're a monster.

Horror Headlines: Friday November 5th, 2010

Tim Burton and super hunk Johnny Depp will finally begin filming the big screen version of "Dark Shadows" this April. For those of you not familiar with the original TV show it's kind of like "Soup" but not funny, with vampires and a lot of English accents. Of course I learned all this from a TV commercial selling the entire series on DVD so I could be off.

I've yet to figure out what a producer actually does but John Carpenter is apparently set to be the executive producer on Dennison Ramalho's new film "The Hell Within". Apparently the entire movie will be shot in Brazil so I'm starting to think old John John is just looking for a vacation.

What's next up on the remake list? "Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things", the 1973 zombie flick which I'm 99% sure was shot on someone's home camera. Did they have home cameras back then? I have no clue, maybe that's a really good thing for back then. What a strange and wondrous world it must of been back in the 70's.

Oh boy, who's as excited as me for the second episode of "The Walking Dead"? No one, that's the answer, no one could possibly be as excited as I am. Anyway here's a sneak peek at the second episode, don't even try to pretend that you wet yourself like I did. That's Joe's thing!

In Real People News: 

Too far America, too far! San Francisco has apparently passed a low making it illegal to include free toys with unhealthy meals. Meaning the McDonald's Happy Meal is a no-no for kids anymore. You win the world series and all of a sudden you think you can play god. I know I know, it's a long shot making a sports joke on a horror website.

Yes, yes and yes. I want this. It's the world's largest coffee, holding a stunning 2,010 gallons of the good stuff put together together by the people at GourmetGiftBaskets.com. I hope it's black, I only drink mine black. Only hippies use cream and sugar.

On this day in history: 

2009 - A shooting rampage at the Fort Hood Army post in Texas left 13 people dead; Maj. Nidal Hasan, an Army psychiatrist, was charged in the worst mass killing on a U.S. military base

Horror Headlines: Friday July 24th, 2009

Hey guys, Louis Fowler here, live from Comic-Con '09! And, by Comic-Con '09, I mean my office in my underwear. Crap...I just dropped Toaster Strudel on my chest. The jelly is getting all mingled in my lush chest-hair. This wouldn't happen if I was wearing my homemade Flash costume...

Forest Whitaker and 50 Cent will play “intense” dueling personalities in the umpteenth retelling of “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”, according to MTV. This makes me a bit mad because they both turned down my cop movie “Lazy Eye and Mumble Mouth: NYPD” to do it.

After he's done with “Alice in CGI-land”, Tim Burton's next movie will be a remake/retelling/reimagining of the 1960s cult vampire soap opera “Dark Shadows”. Let's place bets now that Johnny Depp is in it. Is it just me or is Tim Burton out of ideas? When he's not destroying the Ozone Layer applying copious amounts of Aquanet to his Robert Smith-like coif, I think that he's too busy rolling around naked in piles of money made off the fleshy backs of 30-year-old women who's wardrobe mainly consists of “Nightmare Before Christmas” hoodies to come up with anything original ever again. Seriously ladies, it's called TJ Maxx. Get yourself a nice pantsuit, on me.

Swarthy homunculus Danny DeVito, taking a break from banging that hot piece of ass known as Rhea Perlman, has started an original horror film website called “The Blood Factory”. Danny DeVito? Are they “short” films? Hahahahahaha...oh, wait, they are. I give the website a year, but, then again, that's what I said about Ted Danson's “Becker”, and that lasted at least three years, two of them HILARIOUS.

I don't know why it hasn't been pimped here, but how about you do yourself a favor and download “Who Wants a Tortilla?”, a joint project between BGH and Night of the Living Podcast, starring me and Chiz, and filmed at last spring's HorrorHound Weekend! We make Tom Savini uncomfortable!

In Real People News: 

In the past ten days, $10.2 billion dollars worth of marijuana have been confiscated in Fresno, California. When I asked my pot-smoking neighbor Chad “Kind Bud” Budderson for comment, he said: “Hey man, this is like, bullshit! Man, did you know that, like, President Obama has his own private field of weed, just like Kennedy and Thomas Jefferson, man? People gotta tell City Hall that, you know, you can make rope and glaucoma out of weed, bro! War on drugs, let's make it a war on shwag! Hahahahahaha...dude! Do you ever stop to think about...the universe?”

Gidget, the beloved illegal immigrant chihuahua who won America's hearts through her “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” ad, passed away at the ripe old age of 13 this week. And who had to pay for her medical care? The American Taxpayer, I'm sure!

Speaking of lovable chihuahuas, who doesn't want a five-legged one? We all would—that little vestigial leg is just more to love! The adorable puppy, named Lily, was rescued from a freak show on Coney Island at a cost of $4000. The fifth leg, located in the puppy's butt, made it impossible for Lily to sit, lay down or really even walk, but I would be two busy hugging and kissing her little nose to notice. Luckily, the new owners did notice and had the leg surgically removed, to the tune of $2000. I LOVE YOU 5-LEGGED PUPPY!

Around the Web

Syndicate content

What's New?

... and other words for "boner".

Podcast

We discuss alien garbage chutes. And, other things...

Podcast

Latest Reviews

Search

Around The Web