the crow

Horror Headlines: Wednesday May 1st, 2013

Alexander Skarsgard is now apparently the top runner to take the lead in "The Crow" remake. Please update your t-shirts accordingly, Hot Topics of the world.

I'm not the least bit ashamed that I am petrified of Eric Bana. Olivia Munn not so much. But the two of them together will leave me feeling just fine when they hit the big screen on January 16, 2015 in "Beware the Night". The film is Scott Derrickson's follow up to "Sinister" and follows a New York cop who investigating real life demon possessions, exorcisms and werewolves after dark. So that's just shy of two years away. Get pumped kids.

"The Town That Dreaded Sundown", a remake of the 1976 film with the same name, has found it's leading youngster in the form of newcomer Travis Tope. Tope will plat a high school student who lives in a town that is tormented by a serial killer. He's never done anything before. I have no ammo here. Well played Hollywood.

Rob Zombie was miserable making the "Halloween" remakes, he wanted to make "The Blob" remake dark and gritty and he actually paid some poor company to have "Freebird" in a movie of his. That and other exciting news in this new interview.

In Real People News: 

Five people were shot at a Florida crab fest which actually turned out to be an excuse for a bunch of people to get together and shoot each other. I'm not even sure there was crab being served. What a disappointing day all around for crab lovers in Florida.

Alexius Keys, who I originally read as Alicia Keys, is under arrest after she ran over her ex's new girlfriend with her car. This story would have been a lot more exciting if it was Alicia Keys.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday February 26th, 2013

Did you see the 2011 Israeli film "Rabies"? Me either but some guys I know did and they liked it so that's pretty much an Oscar win in my book. Well the film's creators, Aharon Keshales and Navot Papushado, has set "Big Bad Wolves" as their next project with a 2013 release in mind. The film follows three men who are linked by a series of terrible murders. Kind of like a fun club or something. But without the fun. And no one wants to be in the club.

"The Last Exorcism Part II" may or may not turn out to be hot dookie but that doesn't mean that the folks behind the film can't come up with some pretty entertaining ways to promote the flick. Case in point, a pretty dandy prank they played on a number of beauty shop goers. Is it funny? Yes it is. Is there a chance any of these people will come back to the shop? No. No there isn't.

I think Hot Topic ruined "The Crow" for all of us so I don't think anyone is really excited about the remake that's been kicking around for some time now. But what if I were to tell you that James McAvoy is being tossed around as a possible lead for the film? Would that change your mind? He was good in "Wanted" right? No, you're right. This still sounds awful.

Kodi Smit-Mcphee, the annoying kid from "The Road" is going to be in "Rise of the Planet of the Apes". He may or may not play a monkey. Alright fine, he won't.

In Real People News: 

Remember residents of Florida. When you're fixin to make up a mess of waffles make sure you take your bullets out of the oven before you pre-heat it. Otherwise you're doggum foot gunna get shot off.

A PA woman is under arrest after she apparently attacked her boyfriend with a Playstation controller and a Furby. I had no idea they still made Furby's but then again what do I know. I'm not sitting in Pennsylvania arguing over who gets to make out with the cow first or whatever else they talk about there.

Horror Headlines: Friday, May 11th, 2011

Sunday is Mother's Day. You're welcome for the reminder you thoughtless prick.

I've still got Chloe Moretz fever. I say still because I'm pretty sure I've used this joke before and I know you jag-offs at home are keeping score so I wanted to play it safe. The news here though is that Moretz is in talks with Inferno Entertainment to play a zombie in their new film "Maggie". The film follows Maggie's 6 month transformation into a zombie and will be awesome. Unless Dakota Fanning somehow ends up playing the role. That would blow.

You had me at "From the producer of 'The Crow'". That's sarcasm by the way, I don't want you to ever mistake my sarcasm as love for "The Crow". When I was in High School I was on the football team and there was this prick Marty who painted his face like the Crow before a game. I will hate that kid till the day I die for that reason alone. Well his odd passion for country music too but mostly the crow thing. My point is Edward R. Pressman is working on an adaptation of the graphic novel "Feeding Ground".

"'The Raid' WILL EXPLODE IN OVER 280 CINEMAS ACROSS THE UK & IRELAND ON 18 MAY". I don't care how old I get saying something will "explode" will always make me chuckle. Think about it. Ya know... like when a man... NEVERMIND! But the rumors are true, the little movie that could about a lone cop left standing after a drug raid will be hitting selected theaters this month for your viewing pleasure. Unless of course you're in the US. Then you get no pleasure.

The guys who wrote a bunch of those "Not Another..." movies are now writing a spoof of "The Hunger Games" called "The Starving Games". I don't think I can do this anymore.

In Real People News: 

Here's a story about a group of 6th grade boys down in Mexico that made a gay porn in one of their classrooms. Congratulations Mexico, you're come up with the most disturbing story I've ever read.

A Florida man, I know shocking, decided to stab his computer with a Samurai sword as police raided is house looking for child pornography. Yes there's no way that this will erase anything from his hard drive but you got to admire his style. Ya know, as much as you can admire a guy who's downloading kiddie porn.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, January 25th, 2012

Tonight I'm going to Hooters with some former co-workers and I'm not going to lie, I had some trouble sleeping last night from all the excitement. I've been listening to the band Hatebreed all day getting myself pumped up for the big event. If you've never been and you think Hooters is depressing then I suggest you come to the one in NYC because you're 100% right. You see in a lot of locations Hooters gets really hot girls to work there but in the city there's really expensive restaurants where girls can get really big tips and not have to be harassed by drunk pricks downing wings.

How the hell the Germans have kept this clip from "Psycho" a secret for so long is beyond me but here it is, extended scenes from some of the film's classic shots that were apparently too hot for us American's back in the day but were A-OK for the Krauts. I wonder if they have the real ending for "The Sopranos" sitting around somewhere too.

"Snow Piercer" sounds like the name of a terrible cover band but it turns out it's the titled of Bong Joon-ho's new film. The movie tells the story of a group of people trapped on a train after the earth has been completely frozen. Who would you want as a fellow passenger on that train? If you said "Alien" alum John Hurt then you're in luck because he's been confirmed for the cast. If you said anyone other than him though you're kind of screwed.

Yesterday I told you how "The Crow" remake looks to be back on and today it appears a new writer and director have already been selected. Jesse Wigutow, who wrote some short films I will never see has been tapped to pen the script and F. Javier Gutierrez who directed "Before the Fall" which I'm 75% sure I saw will take the lead. Seriously, if you've never been to Hooters you should give it a shot. Their wings are so god damn good.

This can't be good news. It looks like that Lily Collins has officially dropped out from the lead role in the upcoming remake of "The Evil Dead". Apparently the drop out is because of "date issues". I assume this means she wants to go out on a date with me and just found out I'm married so she's too depressed to act. That's just my guess.

In Real People News: 

Managers of a park in England are toying with the idea of releasing honey bees in order to deter vandals from damaging historic buildings. I think the way this goes is they release the bees, then they need to release birds to eat the bees, then something else. It all ends with giant shark robots killing us all.

Here's a smart guy who decided to lock himself in an airplane bathroom and smoke some pot. I don't know if he also tried to tamper with the smoke detector but I'm pretty sure that alone will get you the chair.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, January 24th, 2012

"American Horror Story" mastermind Ryan Murphy will be teaming up with "Apollo 18" co-writer Brian Miller for a super hot super new Sci-Fi flick for Sony. The project is currently untitled, there's no director selected and details of the film have yet to be released. Sooooo... How's your day going so far? Did you watch "The Bad Girls Club" last night? Man what a crazy start, huh?

Get excited folks, Universal has picked up the rights to a new found footage flick titled "Thirteen" which focuses on the topic of possession. I for one applaud the good people at Universal for their not-rocking-the-boatness. If they made some crazy movie based off of a new idea no one had ever seen, well I might not be able to control myself in the theater. This way I know what I'm getting and I'll be able to relax. Thank you again, Universal.

Relativity Media and The Weinstein Company have apparently settled their differences of "The Crow" remake out of court and appear to be moving forward with the project. It's amazing to me that of all the movies that get tied up in legal problems the one film they pick to set aside their differences for is "The Crow". Thank you?

I have no idea what dubstep is but I know I hate it, a lot. I also have no idea who Jake Hoffman and Nikki Reed are either but apparently they're going to star in a new dubstep horror flick titled "Snap". I honestly don't even know what I just wrote there. Reed will play a social worker who finds herself drawn into the exciting world of dubstep. I don't know, it turns out she's a nut bag or something. I'm so lost right now.

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Remember that movie "The Roommate" and how upset we all were when the girl put the kitten into the washing machine? Replace that girl with a guy from Arkansas and the kitten with a Chihuahua. Isn't that upsetting anymore is it? You're sick.

I don't know what it is but there's something about a coon skin cap that makes me both uncomfortable and proud to be an American. Both of those feelings would have been heightened this past weekend when an Oklahoma man walked into a grocery story wearing said hat and dropped trow showing the shoppers his bits. I hope that Lee Greenwood song was playing over the intercom.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday August 17th, 2011

In news that I don't know is good or bad it looks like Bradley Cooper has decided to back away from the lead role in "The Crow" remake because of scheduling conflicts. Rumor has it that Mark Wahlberg and Channing Tatum are both being tossed around as replacements. In other news I have recently discovered that Channing is apparently a name for a man. I think at least.

Fall is right around the corner my friends. I know because I've already gotten my candy corn scented candles from Yankee Candle. But aside from that exciting news it also looks like Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights is shaping up. It looks like this year's terror tram will take you into the world of Wes Craven's "Scream" specifically focusing on that last installment of the franchise. Just spit balling here but I think they should plant teenagers on the ride that use confusing lingo to make you feel old. It'll really bring the whole theme home.

Everyone loves Ed Harris. It's a fact, I took a poll on Facebook. And it looks like his new haunted submarine flick "Phantom" has gotten some funding and distribution support from the good people at RCR Media Group. Man the kids love them some RCR don't they? Harris plays the captain of a haunted submarine who has to make a decision that could either destroy his homeland or launch world war 3. What the hell could that choice possibly be?

A new poster for the Amanda Seyfried and Justin Timberlake flick "In Time" has hit the web and I can honestly say this is the first time I've ever had a crush on a poster. I'm not saying if it's because of one or both of them I'm just saying I got all kinds of tingles in my belly. If you're not familiar with the film it takes place in a world where a person's time left on this planet is the new form of currency. Timberlake plays a future world Robin Hood who gives away time to the poor. I bet he does it in a super sexy way too. I think I've said enough.

In Real People News: 

Not a day goes by that I'm not terrorized by the reality that the closest Waffle House to my apartment is over 70 miles away. And I couldn't be more enraged by the fact that this man in Florida tried to kill his wife by driving his truck into the Waffle House that she was eating at. Look I don't know if your wife deserves to be run over or not but the Waffle House has done nothing but provide delicious food to you. Show some respect.

It's not secret that Australia is run by criminals and deviants so it should come as no shock that Qantas airlines is now offering an on demand movie titled "The Female Orgasm Explained". If you couldn't have guessed it the film is an educational look at how to make your special someone happy in her downstairs boom box. Because who hasn't been frustrated with a long flight where they can't learn about how to please a woman.

Horror Headlines: Thursday June 23rd, 2011

"Watchmen" writer Alex Tse has been picked up by the fellas at Relativity Media to pen the long delayed remake of "The Crow". For those of you who weren't fortunate enough to be a part of the madness that was the original 1994 flick, it starred Brandon Lee as a man who comes back from the dead to avenge his and his fiancee's murder. Brandon Lee also died on the set... and the movie sucked... and it pretty much created Hot Topics. Can't wait.

John Lithgow and a bunch of apes. I've had dreams that start like this. But that's neither here nor there my friends because a new international trailer for "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" has hit the tubes and it's full of hot monkey on monkey action. The film focuses on apes that will eventually take over the planet in the distant future. I should apologize to those of you who may have been under the impression there was monkey porn in the trailer based on my comments. Sickos.

For those of you out there who were actually excited about David R. Ellis’ "Shark night 3D" I've got some bad news for the 7 of you. The shark attack camp out flick has been slapped with a PG-13 by the folks at the MPAA. Just so we're clear PG-13 means no nudity, minimal swearing and most importantly absolutely no fun whatsoever. Boo this man!

Looks like the Miami Metro Police is getting itself an intern in the form of Josh Cooke. Cookie (new nickname I've just decided to give him) will join the cast of "Dexter" for season 6 which is currently ramping up for production. Sir Cooks A Lot will play a new addition to the team and apparently become buddy buddy with creepy bald Asian, Masuka. I smell romance!

In Real People News: 

Colorado police are on the hunt for a man who has apparently been hiding inside the tank of a large portable toilet at an outside yoga festival. There's really nothing funny or sarcastic that could make this any weirder so let's just agree to never speak of it again. Moving along now.

If I was going to list the most frightening ways to die I'm pretty sure having a 300 pound man attack me with a battle ax would probably make the top 10. And here's a story about a man who was murdered in just such a way. Poor SOB.

Horror Headlines: Thursday April 21st, 2011

God please let this drag out. Apparently there's a big ass distribution rights argument going on between Relativity Media and The Weinsteins for who gets to put out "The Crow" remake. Lawyers are getting involved and much to my surprise apparently both groups actually want to put out the film. I assumed it was some sort of kicking in the balls match they had for who has to put out the movie or something.

Did you like "Tron: Legacy"? You did!? Me too! We're twins! Did you notice I make this same joke every other week!? You did!? Go to hell! Anyway the same fellas that wrote the script for the Tron sequel have now picked up the torch to bring the comic book "Rex Mundi" to the big screen for Johnny Depp's production company, Infinitum Nihil. That name of course means whale's vagina in German. Screw you guys, you come up with Rob Zombie jokes every other day.

Here's more exciting casting news for "Hunger Games"! Willow Shields has been cast as Primrose Everdeen, the younger sister of someone else in the movie that I have no idea about. Just so we're clear I am still completely confused buy the plot of the movie, which apparently has children fighting to the death. And now I have no idea who this Everdeen girl is. Wait has anyone seen my glasses?! Oh Christ!

"Dylan Dog: Dead of Night" has gotten jack and squat as far as advertising but mother of god it looks pretty good. Need proof? Look at this new clip that features some sort of mega-zombie type creature. And then you can F yourself for ever questioning me. I thought we were past that.

In Real People News: 

Mother of god the animal rights pricks ruin everything! Goldfish racing at the Harmon Tap Room in Tacoma Washington has been canceled after those tree huggers complained because a few goldfish died. They know you can get 40 goldfish for about 5 bucks, right? That's how much their lives cost! God I hate hippies.

"An incredibly dangerous, homemade mini crossbow made of silver and gold that shoots flaming firework darts". Get me this and I swear I will give you my first born... but not really.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday April 13th, 2011

Bradley Cooper is reportedly in talks to take the lead role in the much discussed remake of the 90's film "The Crow". Wait what now? Not that Cooper is the greatest actor of all time but I had assumed the remake would be on the discount DVD shelves before it's opening weekend was over. Now, I don't know what to think. Up is down, black is white, Finkle is Einhorn and Einhorn is a man!

If you're like me then you had a lot of questions after you watched the final "Saw" movie. The largest of course being why the hell did I watch 27 of these movies. There was 27 of them right? Well, surprisingly James Wan and Leigh Whannell say that Jigsaw could rise again if they were approached with a new and different idea to get the ball rolling again. Just so we're clear fellas, I will do everything in my power to stop this, and you will have to murder me. Your move gentlemen!

The good people at Paramount have picked up the rights to the Ray Bradbury joint "The Martian Chronicles" with the intentions of making a big screen adaptation of the short story collection. That's kind of obvious though isn't it, Paramount is a movie company so why would they buy the rights to a story if they didn't want to make a movie out of it. I'm sorry I'm so dumb and waste your time like this.

"Dark City" star Rufus Sewell has landed the role of Adam in the upcoming big screen adaptation of the book "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter". For those of you not familiar with the book, Adam is the head vampire and the second greatest enemy of Mr. Lincoln. The first of course being people who hate beards. Because, ya know, he had one and all I guess. I'm not a Social Studies textbook people.

In Real People News: 

Sometimes it's just hard to say goodbye to a loved one. Case in point these twin brothers in Huston who lived in a house with their dead mother for almost 3 months before police arrested them. Wait they arrested them for murder? They killed her? Well, that changes everything doesn't it.

Love will make you do crazy things. Case in point this police officer in Miami who threatened his girlfriend with a gun, verbally assaulted her and dragged her around the house by her hair. Why would he do this? Word is, she wouldn't hold his hand. I don't like to judge, but he might of overreacted a bit. What do I know though?

Horror Headlines: Friday April 8th, 2011

Juan Carlos Fresnadillo, who directed "28 Weeks Later", arguably the second best of the time later movies, has been confirmed to be directing "The Crow" remake which is full steam ahead after delays out the ying yang. I played football in High School and for one game this kid painted his face like "The Crow" because he thought it would be frightening to the opposing team. Holy crap we harassed that kid to the point of tears. Good story huh? "The Crow"!

Holy mother of god the remake goodness just keeps flowing. Here it is folks, the first stills from the "Fright Night" retelling for your peepers and man are they.... there. I mean look at Evil Ed! He looks so... not evil, I'm sorry I can't do this today. Let's move on.

Javier Bardem, who is my all time favorite air gun murderer, is close to signing on to play Roland Deschain in the "Dark Tower" series that will be spread over three films and a TV series. I never read the books, should we be upset or really excited about this?

I only know Madeline Zima as the girl who likes to punch guys in the face while she makes the nasty on "Californication" but apparently she's done some other things. Things meaning she's signed up for the new people trapped in a bunker thriller "Storage". I've got high hopes for this one people, mostly because it seems like Madeline has no problem getting nude, so I assume this movie is going to be great.

In Real People News: 

A Georgia man has been fined $300 and ordered to serve a year probation after he tattooed a three year old. Honestly if it only will cost me $300 bucks to put some ink on a toddler I think I might be game. How many people can say they've done that?

And just to top off your Friday here's a story about a guy in Kentucky who's been arrested for ejaculating on a woman in the cereal aisle of a local supermarket. Have a good weekend you princes of Maine, you kings of New England.

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