I stopped writing the news about a month ago when I read that Syfy was working on a series based on 1995's "12 Monkeys". Now I come back and what's the first thing I read? Kirk Acevedo, who has played the tough kid from the block in every movie or TV show that has had a tough kid from the block in the past 5 years, has been added to the cast. It's almost like they're daring me to stop writing again. It's almost like they know I'm just really lazy and the show had nothing to do with me not writing the news. Get out of my head Hollywood people.
I love when studios decide to drop release dates for movies even when they're a crap load of time away from now. Take Universal's "The Mummy" reboot for instance, they recently announced that it would be hitting theaters on April 22, 2016. That's over two years away. Who knows what we'll be doing in two years. Maybe movies won't even be shown on screens anymore. Maybe they'll just be beamed into our brains like the way people had sex in "Demolition Man". All I'm saying here is I don't want to sign up for seeing this movie now and then find myself being dry humped by Sylvester Stallone in my sleep.
With more and more horror related documentaries hitting the shelves it was only a matter of time before the "Hellraiser" franchise got its own. It's going to be called "Leviathan" and it'll focus on the making of the first two films in the series. No word on if it'll have anything to do with the 1989 film "Leviathan," but my guess is since that had absolutely nothing to do with "Hellraiser" it most likely won't. I'm just speculating here, though.
I know I watched the horror anthology series "Monsters" every week but to be 100% honest I could not tell you the plot of one episode. To be fair though the show was only on from 1988 to 1991 and around that time I was really starting to discover my body so my best guess is I wasn't really paying attention anyway. Well, good news for me because the show is finally getting a release on DVD this coming February 25th thanks to the folks at Entertainment One. Now with the power of play and pause I can enjoy the show and myself without missing a second. Are you throwing up yet? I hope so.
In Real People News:
With all the long lines and madness at Walmart right now it's understandable that people would need a break. What isn't understandable though is this guy in Oklahoma who decided to head into the women's room and rub one out. It also isn't understable that this happened at 8:30 in the morning. It is understandable that he got arrested though. That's just science.
It looks like everyone's favorite sailor boy Sam Raimi has been confirmed to produce the upcoming "Poltergeist" remake. This puts an end to the rumors that he would be taking the director's chair for the film. But if not him then who!? And why do we call him "sailor boy"? It's almost like I'm making all of this up or something.
Fans of "The Ring" will be excited, shocked, disgusted and/or neutral on the news that there may be another film in the works. According to Paramount Film Group president Adam Goodman there's an idea being tossed around that would see the next installment in the film series going the found footage route. Ya know, cause why not?
I don't want to say this is the worst news day ever but I'm about to give you an update on casting for "Wrong Turn 5". Ready? Simon Ginty, Oliver Hoare, Amy Lennox, Paul Luebke, Duncan Wisbey, Kyle Redmond-Jones and Peter Brooke are all in. I honestly have no idea who any of these people are.
Blah blah blah Asylum is making a "Battleship" rip off called "American Battleship" and Universal is pissed about it and going to sue. They're just mad because they didn't think of putting Carl Weathers in his Apollo Creed shorts on the poster. Ya know, cause it's a lot cheaper to get Carl Weathers than Rihanna. I just assume.
In Real People News:
An Indiana man is under arrest after he forced another man to moonwalk at gun point. Wasn't this in a movie? I feel like it was Gene Wilder holding the gun. That can't be right though. Someone help me out here. It wasn't "See No Evil, Hear No Evil" was it?
"American Horror Story" mastermind Ryan Murphy will be teaming up with "Apollo 18" co-writer Brian Miller for a super hot super new Sci-Fi flick for Sony. The project is currently untitled, there's no director selected and details of the film have yet to be released. Sooooo... How's your day going so far? Did you watch "The Bad Girls Club" last night? Man what a crazy start, huh?
Get excited folks, Universal has picked up the rights to a new found footage flick titled "Thirteen" which focuses on the topic of possession. I for one applaud the good people at Universal for their not-rocking-the-boatness. If they made some crazy movie based off of a new idea no one had ever seen, well I might not be able to control myself in the theater. This way I know what I'm getting and I'll be able to relax. Thank you again, Universal.
Relativity Media and The Weinstein Company have apparently settled their differences of "The Crow" remake out of court and appear to be moving forward with the project. It's amazing to me that of all the movies that get tied up in legal problems the one film they pick to set aside their differences for is "The Crow". Thank you?
I have no idea what dubstep is but I know I hate it, a lot. I also have no idea who Jake Hoffman and Nikki Reed are either but apparently they're going to star in a new dubstep horror flick titled "Snap". I honestly don't even know what I just wrote there. Reed will play a social worker who finds herself drawn into the exciting world of dubstep. I don't know, it turns out she's a nut bag or something. I'm so lost right now.
In Real People News:
Remember that movie "The Roommate" and how upset we all were when the girl put the kitten into the washing machine? Replace that girl with a guy from Arkansas and the kitten with a Chihuahua. Isn't that upsetting anymore is it? You're sick.
I don't know what it is but there's something about a coon skin cap that makes me both uncomfortable and proud to be an American. Both of those feelings would have been heightened this past weekend when an Oklahoma man walked into a grocery story wearing said hat and dropped trow showing the shoppers his bits. I hope that Lee Greenwood song was playing over the intercom.