poltergeist

Horror Headlines: Monday September 30th, 2013

Is having to pee in the middle of the night just something that happens as you get older? I don't know when the last time I actually slept through the night was. I'm telling you right now kids, once you reach 30 your life is pretty much just a wide awake nightmare.

The good folks over at Image Entertainment have gone ahead and picked up the U.S. distribution rights to "All Cheerleaders Die", a new horror comedy written and directed by Lucky McKee and Chris Sivertson. The flick follows a young loner who joins the cheerleading squad and her pissed off ex-friend who tries out her spooky witchcraft on her and her new cheermates. Is cheermates one word or two? Is it even a word? God I hate Arcade Fire.

"Night Film" is an awful name for a movie. It's an even worse name for a book. And, yes that's right you guessed it, it's the worst possible name for a movie based on a book by the same name. But it's happening, there's no fighting it, and it's find a director in the form of Rupert Wyatt. The movie follows a reporter who's investigating the suspected suicide of the daughter of a horror film director. Well alright, I guess the title makes sense, but still it shouldn't be happening. Not on my watch.

Zach Galligan took to his twitters to announce that he'll be playing the lead in the upcoming big screen adaptation of Brian Keene's "The Cage". The movie will focus on a group of employees at an electronic store who find themselves trapped in the store after a gunman comes in and starts shooting people. You see it's a metaphor. "The Cage" is actually the store. Because the people are trapped in there. I get things and I like to make sure people know that I get things.

Saxon Sharbino, who kind of looks like the mom from the original "Poltergeist" has signed on to play the mom in the remake of "Poltergeist. This works put pretty well because if I have one complaint about remakes it's that people never look like people from the original movie and that confuses me. Also the thought of there being another Craig T. Nelson out there has given me a semi. I'm kidding, Sam Rockwell is playing the dad. He also gives me a semi. Don't judge me.

In Real People News: 

Ahh boy, it's always tough when your homemade porn finds its way online. It's even tougher when your homemade porn includes a dog. And by tougher I mean illegal.

I have never been able to understand how anyone could be a preschool teacher. Not because I don't respect the job but because you're dealing with a bunch of screaming kids the entire day. This guy in California though, he was a pre-school teacher until he hit one of the 6 year olds he was suppose to be watching with a metal chair. So I guess maybe I could do the job.

Horror Headlines: Monday September 16th, 2013

"Mama" director Andres Muschietti is apparently in talks with the folks over at Universal to take on the directing role of the upcoming "The Mummy" reboot. No real details have come out about the film but it will take place in modern time and the cast from the previous films will not make an appearance. You ever see that episode of "Seinfeld" where Elaine takes the Asian woman from her nail saloon to see "Rochelle Rochelle" but Bette Midler isn't in the show that night and they freak out? That's me right now but replace Bette Midler with Brendan Fraser.

The good folks over at Magnolia Pictures are on the verge of striking a deal that would land them the rights to Ti West's "The Sacrament". A new found footage film, "The Sacrament" follows two reporters as they try to escape from a community outside the US after one of their sisters turns up missing. No word on when or how the film will be released but for the first time I'm going to go ahead and say I think a Ti West movie sounds interesting. Now who wants a hug?

Sean S. Cunningham, the fella who directed the original "Friday the 13th", has dropped word that he expects a new F13 film to see the light of day sometime in 2015 if all goes according to plan. He also let out that the movie will not be a continuation of the 2009 remake but will in fact be a new story. I don't know if that's good or bad but I suppose it's best to keep positive right? Seriously, someone hug me. I just want to be loved.

6 year old Kennedi Clements has landed the role of Madison in the upcoming "Poltergeist" remake. For those of you keeping score at home this is the Carol Anne role from the original movie. So ya know, good luck sleeping at night for the rest of your life Kennedi. Also, what are your parents doing letting you read this website?

In Real People News: 

The shocking thing isn't that this couple in South Carolina got caught having sex inside a Home Depot shed display. No the shocking thing was that it happened at 8:30 in the morning. What the hell are these people eating for breakfast? I usually have my greek yogurt and coffee around 8 and I can honestly say I'm not good till around 11.

A 31 year old Washington man is under arrest after he was found " target="_blank">making love to himself on the side of the road as traffic flew by. HIs excuse was pretty solid though, he reportedly told cops he was "working for Jehovah" and "spreading God’s word." Wish I would of thought of that when I was 16 and my mom walked in on me.

Horror Headlines: Friday September 6th, 2013

Two days in a row. I'm taking the rest of the month off.

Ah right, there's a "Terminator" reboot in the works. It was really only a matter of time, but now that "Game Of Thrones" director Alan Taylor is being tossed around as a possible director I'm somewhat interested. And by interested I mean I assume I'll like the movie for 20 minutes and then be completely confused about what the hell is going on and who all these people are. When the hell is winter going to actually come!?

The big screen adaptation of "Dark Places" has added Drea de Matteo, of "Sopranos" fame, to its ever growing cast list. Based on the book by the same name, the film tells the story of a woman who's forced to revisit the events of her families murder when she was 7 and the brother who she testified against as the murderer. Charlize Theron and Christina Hendricks are also in the movie... Boobs.

All child actors are frightening, creepy and should be locked in cages like zoo animals. But i understand they are a necessity in some films. Like the "Poltergeist" remake, which has just cast Kyle Catlett of "The Following's", in one of its little people roles. They should have handlers like animals and be cleaned with hoses. Just saying.

Universal has picked up Lee Shipman and Brian McGreevy to pen the script to another remake of H.G. Wells' "The Island Of Dr. Moreau". Why the hell not huh?

In Real People News: 

Here's a heartwarming story about a Georgia based animal shelter that for 100$ promised to find new homes for dogs whose owners could no longer take care of them but instead just went ahead and killed them. Wait no, that's not heartwarming at all.

An Oregon woman is all bent out of shape after she found a mouse bone in her box of cereal. I'll be honest I always assume people in Oregon just chewed on bones and drank dip spit for breakfast.

Horror Headlines: Thursday September 5th, 2013

Natalie Brown, who I'm sure you all remember from "How to Lose a Guy In 10 Days", is the latest name to be added to the upcoming FX series "The Strain". For those of you who don't read my news every other week when I post it, "The Strain" is based on the Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan's novels about a group of survivors trying to take back control after vampires have taken over the world. Want to know how it ends? I read it. The point here is I know how to read.

I like to watch "Mad Men" because I work in advertising and it's fun to see what people think I do even though the show is set 30 years ago and everyone is kind of miserable. I'm telling you this because Jared Harris, from the show, has now been cast in the lead role of the upcoming "Poltergeist" remake. I'm also telling you this because I haven't written the news in over a week and my clever segway skills are pretty rusty.

Did you know that SyFy was looking to move forward with a series based on the 1995 film "12 Monkeys"? Me either! Did you know that the film's director Terry Gilliam thinks this is a "very dumb idea"? Yeah I probably could've guessed that too.

I had completely forgotten about "Mad Max: Fury Road". I guess it wrapped filming back in December and now it looks like there's going to be three weeks of additional footage tacked on in November to complete the movie. No real word on what the additional filming is for but I'm willing to bet it's just to get some move vacation time down in Australia. Those freakin criminals sure know how to party.

In Real People News: 

22 year old woman tries to run onto the field at an University of Iowa football game. Woman gets arrested after blowing a .341 BAC. Woman tweets about it with the tag #yolo. Woman becomes the first official Mrs. Bloody Good Horror.

Where do you hide 5 grand that you've stolen from your boyfriend? In your ass of course. How do you get said money out of your ass? Not with a toilet brush apparently. That gets you a one way ticket to the hospital.

The Haunting (REVIEW)

I went to the video store this past weekend to grab a stack of horror movies and was pleasantly surprised to find that the title I was least interested in, was head-and-shoulders above the newer movies I picked out. At first I was pretty skeptical of watching a G-rated black and white movie from the 60's. Thankfully I went ahead and rented it, and what I found was a haunted house film that was scary enough to have me looking over my shoulder every time I heard a noise in my own home.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday July 24th, 2013

Wait did I know there was a "Poltergeist" remake in the works? I feel like I might have known that. I feel like I might have started a post with this same stupid joke before too. Rosemary Dewitt has been cast in the lead role of the 'hey you built your house on top of an indian burial ground' film so I'm assuming they're doing a remake. What a terrible joke this is to play on here if there really isn't one in the works.

I am a big ol fan of George A. Romero's "Dawn Of the Dead". A super big fan even. But at no point did I ever say, "Hey this needs to be shown in 3D". Despite that thought a 3D conversion is in the works and it look like there might be plans to put the film out in theaters again. No release date has been dropped but apparently the conversion is about a third of the way done so we will see how this all goes. I mean I thought "Nightbreed" only needed to be an hour and 15 minutes so maybe I'm all wrong about this conversion. I'm just a big dumb penis after all.

"Hustle & Flow" is one of the greatest movies ever made and Terrence Howard is one of the greatest actors or all time. There's no arguing that. Any jackass who knows his ass from his hand can figure this out. So now that he's been cast in M. Night Shyamalan new Fox series "Wayward Pines" I have fairly high hopes. The show will focus on a secret service agent who comes to a small town looking to find to missing agents. Stuff happens I guess, but nowhere do I read a description of a rapping pimp that he encounters so maybe my hopes aren't as high as I thought they were.

Never let it be said that I don't love an extended version of a film. Never! In fact I am rather smitten with the news that to celebrate the film's 40th anniversary the folks at StudioCanal will release "The Wicker Man: The Final Cut". To be released in the UK on DVD this coming October, and hopefully in the US shortly after, the classic film tells the story of a police officer sent to a remote island to investigate the disappearance of a young girl. Seriously, If there's one thing I say about movies it's "Hey could you tack on another 45 minutes to that gosh darn thing already? I'm trying to watch a movie here!".

In Real People News: 

If there's one solid way to shoplift a baby alligator it's by shoving it under your shirt. Wait, where the hell are they selling baby alligators these days? Oh West Virginia. Of course. The Florida of the 49 other states that aren't Florida.

A Georgia man accidentally hung himself while trying to break into a bar this past week. Imagine being the first person to come into work and find that mess hanging from the fence? Not going to lie, I'd probably turn around and pretend like I had never been there. Let someone else deal with that crap.

Horror Headlines: Thursday October 18th, 2012

I had completely forgotten that there is a "Poltergeist" remake in the works but there is and Sam Raimi is producing the crap out of it with his Ghost House company. But who will direct!? Well according to the film's writer, David Lindsay-Abaire, Raimi will take on that role also and I for one believe him. He's got a freakin Pulitzer for F sake. Yuu going to call him a liar?

Want to see Wes Craven's "Scream" on the big screen this Halloween season? Me either but that jackass sitting across from you on the bus probably wants to so it's going to be there starting next week in selected theaters across this great nation. Just look at that guy sitting there, eating those Triscuits. God I want to punch him in the face.

I've never read a Dean Koontz book but his last name always makes me giggle like a school girl. And now I have absolutely no reason to read his book "Frankenstein Will Not Die" because the folks over at TNT are looking to turn it into a TV show. The show will be set in New Orleans and follow the famous doctor and his monster 200 years after it was created. See, if you wait long enough all written words will be turned into moving pictures.

Good news, Brian De Palma has confirmed that he is ok with Kimberly Peirce and her remake of the classic film "Carrie". I had always assumed all these people making remakes went to the original writers, directors and actors to get their approval before they even got started. Who knew.

In Real People News: 

Ever find yourself at the gas station and think, what would happen if I just turned this nozzle on the guy next to me and lite him up like a roman candle? Well this guy in Las Vegas not only thought that but he went ahead and did it. Wait you really think that sort of stuff? You might want to get help.

The Sinister Six Violent Ghost Movies

I am so excited for today's release of Sinister that I feel like stripping down to my boxer shorts, lathering myself up in cocoa butter and running up and down the streets of my neighborhood, pounding on doors and offering encouragement for all that answer to join me at the local theater. Since my lawyer has advised me that would be a foolhardy idea, I'll just give you a rundown of a half dozen other violent ghost stories that kick ass. Why a half dozen? Didn't you ever read Spiderman? The “Sinister Six” arc killed, man.


9. "The Woman in Black

Horror Headlines: Monday, April 30th, 2011

It looks like everyone's favorite sailor boy Sam Raimi has been confirmed to produce the upcoming "Poltergeist" remake. This puts an end to the rumors that he would be taking the director's chair for the film. But if not him then who!? And why do we call him "sailor boy"? It's almost like I'm making all of this up or something.

Fans of "The Ring" will be excited, shocked, disgusted and/or neutral on the news that there may be another film in the works. According to Paramount Film Group president Adam Goodman there's an idea being tossed around that would see the next installment in the film series going the found footage route. Ya know, cause why not?

I don't want to say this is the worst news day ever but I'm about to give you an update on casting for "Wrong Turn 5". Ready? Simon Ginty, Oliver Hoare, Amy Lennox, Paul Luebke, Duncan Wisbey, Kyle Redmond-Jones and Peter Brooke are all in. I honestly have no idea who any of these people are.

Blah blah blah Asylum is making a "Battleship" rip off called "American Battleship" and Universal is pissed about it and going to sue. They're just mad because they didn't think of putting Carl Weathers in his Apollo Creed shorts on the poster. Ya know, cause it's a lot cheaper to get Carl Weathers than Rihanna. I just assume.

In Real People News: 

An Indiana man is under arrest after he forced another man to moonwalk at gun point. Wasn't this in a movie? I feel like it was Gene Wilder holding the gun. That can't be right though. Someone help me out here. It wasn't "See No Evil, Hear No Evil" was it?

It's got to be a fun night for a cop when you're called to a trailer court because a shotgun just went off and there's a guy who calls himself BeeSting wrestling with a resident. Beats traffic duty I guess.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, November 29th, 2011

I just waited through a 7 minute advertisement for some video game that gave me seizures to watch the new trailer for "Jurassic Shark". I regret nothing. The movie stars Emanuelle Carriere, who much to my surprise did not get her start in those late night Skinemax movies I watch, and is about a giant prehistoric shark that returns to bring death and destruction to a bunch of girls wearing next to nothing. I know, I'm excited too.

I know what you're thinking, why the hell isn't there a "Poltergeist" remake out there? I know you so well. Well good news kids because Roy Lee, the producer who brought you "The Strangers" and "Quarantine" says a reboot is very much a goal of his and hopes to have it out in the world sometime next year. I'm trying to track down his home address so you can go thank him personally. I'll let you know what I find, there's a lot of Lee's out there.

I refuse to explain to you the plot of "Silent Night Of the Living Dead" but I will tell you that both AJ Bowen and Tom Savini have joined the cast. I know it's tough love but come on, it's a play on the classic zombie flick and a Christmas song. What the hell don't you get? God do I have to wipe your ass too?

I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty excited about "Men In black 3". I don't know what it is but as my age gets up there I'm finding Will Smith more and more enjoyable. I'm just as surprised as you are! Anyway here's a look at the first poster for the film that is scheduled to hit theaters in May of 2012. Have you watched "Wild Wild West" lately? Seriously it's not that bad.

In Real People News: 

As a new father I can fully understand the value of a good deal. So it's not surprise to me when I hear stories about people going nuts on black Friday. Alright maybe some of the stories are a surprise, like this one about a bunch of shoppers in West Virginia who stepped over a dying man in order to get to their shopping. That's a little surprising.

And if you needed a little more proof that the world is coming to an end here's a story about a man who was dressed up as Frosty the Snow Man during a Christmas parade who was arrested for harassing police to "catch him if they can". The sky is falling.

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