Is having to pee in the middle of the night just something that happens as you get older? I don't know when the last time I actually slept through the night was. I'm telling you right now kids, once you reach 30 your life is pretty much just a wide awake nightmare.
The good folks over at Image Entertainment have gone ahead and picked up the U.S. distribution rights to "All Cheerleaders Die", a new horror comedy written and directed by Lucky McKee and Chris Sivertson. The flick follows a young loner who joins the cheerleading squad and her pissed off ex-friend who tries out her spooky witchcraft on her and her new cheermates. Is cheermates one word or two? Is it even a word? God I hate Arcade Fire.
"Night Film" is an awful name for a movie. It's an even worse name for a book. And, yes that's right you guessed it, it's the worst possible name for a movie based on a book by the same name. But it's happening, there's no fighting it, and it's find a director in the form of Rupert Wyatt. The movie follows a reporter who's investigating the suspected suicide of the daughter of a horror film director. Well alright, I guess the title makes sense, but still it shouldn't be happening. Not on my watch.
Zach Galligan took to his twitters to announce that he'll be playing the lead in the upcoming big screen adaptation of Brian Keene's "The Cage". The movie will focus on a group of employees at an electronic store who find themselves trapped in the store after a gunman comes in and starts shooting people. You see it's a metaphor. "The Cage" is actually the store. Because the people are trapped in there. I get things and I like to make sure people know that I get things.
Saxon Sharbino, who kind of looks like the mom from the original "Poltergeist" has signed on to play the mom in the remake of "Poltergeist. This works put pretty well because if I have one complaint about remakes it's that people never look like people from the original movie and that confuses me. Also the thought of there being another Craig T. Nelson out there has given me a semi. I'm kidding, Sam Rockwell is playing the dad. He also gives me a semi. Don't judge me.
In Real People News:
Ahh boy, it's always tough when your homemade porn finds its way online. It's even tougher when your homemade porn includes a dog. And by tougher I mean illegal.
Zach Galligan of "Gremlins" fame and Cody Blue Snider of Dee Snider's son fame have been added to the cast of "Hatchet 3" as a sheriff and police officer, respectively. Is that the right way to use "respectively"? I have no idea but I've always wanted to use it. Check that one off the bucket list!
Baseball may be the most god awful boring sport to watch but damn it all if I don't love spending a Saturday getting drunk on the couch watching the Mets crush my hopes and dreams. But I'll admit it could use a lot more violence, like in the upcoming big screen adaptation of the "Sullivan's Sluggers" graphic novel. The story follows a down and out baseball manager who, along with his team, must battle their way out of a monster infested town. Like "The Bad News Bears" but with people getting murdered.
Horror and topless vet Debbie Rochon is set to hop into the director's chair for the first time with a new film titled "Model Hunger". The film tells the story of what happens when the modeling industry pushed a girl too far and she lashes out. The only modeling jokes I know have to do with coffee and cigarettes and I'm pretty sure they've moved on to some sort of weird drug by now so I'm just going to run along.
The Lifetime network, probably the first time it's been mentioned on this site, has a new series in the works based on Clarice Starling, the sassy FBI agent that brought down Buffalo Bill in "The Silence Of the Lambs". The show will be called "Clarice"... clever... and will follow the young agent on her journey shortly after graduating. That's all I'm saying... I've been accused of hating woman too many times... I bet she'll burn an ex boyfriend's bed... ALRIGHT that's the only thing I'll say.
In Real People News:
The number of people that have come up to me and told me about this naked guy in Miami who was shot while eating another naked guy is both impressive and concerning. Well I guess just concerning. Is there something about me that makes people want to run right over and tell me about anything they read involving naked men eating each other? I think I've made some mistakes in my life.
Billy Crystal really is the worst person in the world. I don't need to explain it to you and 'Eff you for questioning me.
Get excited folks because the first three minutes of the next episode of "The Walking Dead" which comes to the boob tube on February 12th have hit the nets. I'm not going to watch it because I hate seeing the first few minutes of anything and not getting to watch the rest so please don't ruin it for me. Does someone get killed? Oh god don't tell me. Ok tell me. No don't!
Zach Galligan is pretty dreamy huh? Sometimes I just put on "Gremlins" and spend my afternoon day dreaming about what it would be like to have an apartment with him. I think I've said too much. Moving on. The movie "Nightbeats", in which he stars as a father trying to reconnect with his on a camping trip that gets ruined by Sasquatch, has finally been picked up for distribution by Wonderphil Productions. No word yet on when it'll see the light of day but I'm going to start looking for apartments anyway.
What would Bryan Bertino do if he was here right now? I'm sure he'd direct a film or two, cause that's what Bryan Bertino would do. When Bryan Bertino directed "The Strangers" we all though it was pretty cool. Now he's directing a found footage flick called "Mockingbird" about a couple who receive strict instructions on a video recording they must make or someone will die. Alright I lost it there, but we really had something for a couple lines didn't we?
Vampire love, it's what's for dinner. And it looks like Tom Hiddleston is stepping up for a big helping of it because he's joined the cast of Jim Jarmusch's "Only Lovers Left Alive". The cast already includes Michael Fassbender, Tilda Swinton and John Hurt and focuses on two vampires who have been in love for centuries. This sounds like the worst movie ever made.