Hatchet 3

Horror Headlines: Tuesday April 22nd, 2013

Platinum Dunes always reminds me of a cheesy porn company name. Then it reminds me of Michael Bay. Then it reminds me of how much of a prick Michael Bay is. Then it reminds me that "Bad Boys" 1 and 2 are pretty awesome so he isn't all bad. Then it reminds me that I'm suppose to be talking about "Almanac", a new time travel found footage flick that the Dune boys are going to be producing. Then it reminds me that sometimes I ramble on about nothing at all. I like jelly beans.

If you've seen the trailer for "The Purge" then you're probably just as giddy with excitement as I am. Unless you're some sort of jerk who doesn't enjoy watching a movie about a family trying to survive the one night a year when there are no laws. See how I worked in the plot there? Well you're going to have to wait an extra week because the film's release date has been pushed from May 31st to June 7th. That should give you an extra week to try to fit into that new swimsuit you just bought. Oh you, you look good in everything.

Gemma Arterton and Anna Kendrick have both been added to the cast of "The Voices", a new supernatural flick staring Ryan Reynolds. In the film Reynolds plays a factory worker who accidentally kills an attractive woman and starts to take advice on how to cover his tracks from his cat and dog. Wait no that can't be right. Alright who slipped me peyote again!?

"Hatchet 3" is set to hit DVD and Blu-Ray on August 13. We're three films in, I've run out of sarcastic comments to make about these movies. Just make up your own from now on.

In Real People News: 

A 22 year old Florida woman is under arrest after she reportedly yanked her boyfriend's penis in a violent manner after an argument. You can probably make your own jokes here really.

Ever heard the saying, "Who pissed in your coffee"? No me either but if you had the answer would be "this 16 year old kid in Montana and now he's going to jail for it".

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, May 30th, 2012

Zach Galligan of "Gremlins" fame and Cody Blue Snider of Dee Snider's son fame have been added to the cast of "Hatchet 3" as a sheriff and police officer, respectively. Is that the right way to use "respectively"? I have no idea but I've always wanted to use it. Check that one off the bucket list!

Baseball may be the most god awful boring sport to watch but damn it all if I don't love spending a Saturday getting drunk on the couch watching the Mets crush my hopes and dreams. But I'll admit it could use a lot more violence, like in the upcoming big screen adaptation of the "Sullivan's Sluggers" graphic novel. The story follows a down and out baseball manager who, along with his team, must battle their way out of a monster infested town. Like "The Bad News Bears" but with people getting murdered.

Horror and topless vet Debbie Rochon is set to hop into the director's chair for the first time with a new film titled "Model Hunger". The film tells the story of what happens when the modeling industry pushed a girl too far and she lashes out. The only modeling jokes I know have to do with coffee and cigarettes and I'm pretty sure they've moved on to some sort of weird drug by now so I'm just going to run along.

The Lifetime network, probably the first time it's been mentioned on this site, has a new series in the works based on Clarice Starling, the sassy FBI agent that brought down Buffalo Bill in "The Silence Of the Lambs". The show will be called "Clarice"... clever... and will follow the young agent on her journey shortly after graduating. That's all I'm saying... I've been accused of hating woman too many times... I bet she'll burn an ex boyfriend's bed... ALRIGHT that's the only thing I'll say.

In Real People News: 

The number of people that have come up to me and told me about this naked guy in Miami who was shot while eating another naked guy is both impressive and concerning. Well I guess just concerning. Is there something about me that makes people want to run right over and tell me about anything they read involving naked men eating each other? I think I've made some mistakes in my life.

He cut his flesh off and threw it at the police in Hackensack, is that all you get for your money? Ya know, like the Billy Joel song? It's funny. Minus the guy cutting off his own skin.

Horror Headlines: Friday, May 25th, 2012

Chances are most of you have checked out already for the long weekend so I kind of feel like I can say anything I want in the news today and no one will notice. Even if you actually showed up to work and are looking at this copy you're not really reading it. You're thinking of dry humping your best gal on the beach somewhere or whatever the hell it is you'll be doing this weekend. So here it goes... I've never understood why people like "Lord Of the Rings" and I've never found Angelina Jolie attractive. Alright let's do this.

The Spy Kid himself Mason Cook has signed on to play the role of young Eddie Munster in NBC's new series "Mockingbird Lane". For those of you not familiar with the show "Mockingbird Lane" is an updated and much darker retelling of the classic sitcom "The Munsters". One time when I was in middle school I tried to make it with a butter churn.

New Jersey's own Zoe Saldana has been added to the cast of "Machete Kills" and Danny Trejo himself has confirmed that he gets to put his mouth on her. How's that for news? I watched 3 seasons of "Glee" before I realized it was awful.

If there's one complaint I always hear about the classic film "The Exorcist" it's that the film is just too darn scary and needs to be watered down. Well good news for all those who hate awesome things the flick is being remade and for television. The show will be a ten part series and in all fairness with "Martha Marcy May Marlene" director Sean Durkin onboard I don't hate this idea as much as I thought I would. I illegally downloaded 3 Linkin Park songs that I have on my iPod when I run.

Derek Mears, who's been in every horror movie made in the last 15 years, only covered in make up... and Caroline Williams, who played Stretch in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2", have been added to the cast of the much anticipated "Hatchet 3". My first time was with a girl I met on the internet and never spoke to again after that night.

In Real People News: 

Sometimes you've got to get the skid marks out and the only way to do that is to break into your neighbor's house and do your laundry. Sometimes that is.

In case you were wondering, Ted Kaczynski, better known as the Unabomber, will not be able to attend his 50th college reunion at Harvard. Ya know, cause of all the bombs and stuff he makes.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, April 24th, 2011

if there's one thing no one can deny it's that supermodels can act the hell out of any movie. So the news that Abbey Lee Kershaw, who's 24 and doesn't look a day over 40, has joined the cast of "Mad Max: Fury Road" is just wonderful for all involved. Especially if the role calls for chain smoking and drinking black coffee. Cause ya know I think that's how models stay thin. I don't know, I'm 40 pounds overweight.

Danielle Harris has been confirmed for the cast of Adam Green's "Hatchet III". In related news I've been confirmed to be drinking myself into a stupor and bragging to my 9 month old daughter about how I was popular in High School this coming Friday night.

Everyone's favorite giant haired writer Charlie Kaufman has been tapped to write the big screen adaptation of the young adult novel "Chaos Walking". The book tells the tale of a future world where a strange virus makes all thought audible. I assume the outcome is a lot of men getting slapped and having drinks thrown in their faces. Just my guess.

Doug Bradley, who's loved by all for playing Pinhead and Roxanne McKee, who's loved by me for her hatred of wearing clothes, have both been confirmed for the cast of "Wrong Turn 5". I'm not going to bother going over the film's plot. There's a lot of cars and a lot of wrong turns. It's pretty much a given.

In Real People News: 

I've had many a screaming matches in parking lots over people who have stolen my space. I've never resorted to biting someone's face though. Well done San Francisco woman, well done.

If you've been a dick to your wife for a long time and she suddenly offers you a massage it should probably set off a few alarms that she isn't being on the up and up. If she starts to use gasoline instead of oil it should set off some giant horns. And if you haven't figured it out by the time she lights you on fire you're pretty much an idiot.

Horror Headlines: Monday, August 29th, 2011

Remember when Lars von Trier was just a guy who directed movies where people got bashed in the genitals with a ball-peen hammer? Now he's gone all Anti-Semite. I have absolutely no idea what that has to do with the new UK trailer for his film "Melancholia" but I thought it was a clever intro to the news. I thought wrong didn't I.

Remember the US remake of "Ju-on" AKA "The Grudge" a few years back with that broad from Buffy? No? It doesn't matter because they're making another one. For those of you not familiar with the film it focuses on a house that is all haunted and spooky and eff's with anyone who enters it. I can't imagine this one will be good either but I think 1 or 2 more versions of it and they'll really have something decent going on.

Who doesn't have a crush on Brad Pitt? No one. No one that's who! If you say you don't have a crush on Brad Pitt then you are a god damn liar. Anyway here's a bunch of stills from Sir Sexy battling Zombies on the set of "World War Z". I like it because I can be all, "Oh hey I love Zombie movies. Wait is that Brad Pitt? Well sure I'll watch this I guess. I mean I love zombies movies and stuff. Jeez it's not like I have crush on Brad Pitt or something. Get off my back!"

It looks like "Hatchet 3" has a director but it also looks like creator Adam Green is playing coy with details on who it is. Because ya know, everyone's chomping at the bit to know who's going to be taking the lead on "Hatchet 3". Just the other day I was on the bus and this young child was asking her mother, "Mommy, when will we know who is directing 'Hatchet 3?'' And then the young mother burst into tears because she didn't know. It was heartbreaking. I think at this point it's pretty obvious that I'm drunk.

In Real People News: 

You know how it goes. You break into one house and take a pair of ladies underthings and the next thing you know your father is calling the cops on you because he's discovered a duffel bag full of 66 pairs of women's panties. All kidding aside, who else is uncomfortable with my using the word "panties" in a post? I know I am.

"A" for effort to this guy who crashed a stolen semi truck into a porn shop and ran off with $800 worth of goods. "F" for not getting away with it though. Who pays for porn anymore? Even the library has the internet these days.

Horror Headlines: Friday April 15th, 2011

I fancy myself a sarcastic prick but honestly there's nothing but magic in this little tidbit. Sony Pictures Animation has picked up the rights to the book "How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack" and one Mr. Robert Zemeckis has signed on to producer the big screen adaptation. What better news? Reportedly the gnome slasher is going to be rated R. Mother of god are they handing out puppies at Port Authority today too?!

Comedian Patton Oswalt has signed on to the ever growing cast of "Odd Thomas" that already includes Anton Yelchin, Willem Dafoe and Addison Timlin. This also makes him the second name I recognize, the third I've seen nude and the first I'd like to sit down for a lovely lunch as Cici's with. That Timlin looks like she'd hog all the mac n cheese pizza, and that's Joe's favorite!

Paul Soter from the Broken Lizard comedy troupe that brought you "Beerfest" and "Super Troopers" is taking on the writing role for the upcoming film "Dr. Deth with Kip and Muffy". The movie, which apparently is based on some sort of comic book, tells the story of the good doctor and his two female partners who are the only hope against the cannibalistic mutants that run ramped in a post apocalyptic New Jersey. Insert your stupid Jersey Shore, Jersey smells or Jersey sucks jokes here. Then come to my house in New Jersey so I can punch you in the face and scatter your teeth upon this kick ass New Jersey soil.

Apparently "Hatchet 3" was announced a while back but I'm honestly not sure if I missed the news or just blacked out and erased the memory. But as details are released there's no denying it anymore. According to franchise creator Adam Green he's not sure he'll be writing or directing the third installment. He does intend for Danielle Harris' character to return, but is unsure if she'll sign on to the role. This isn't really news is it. He honestly could of said he intends the film to feature images that will somehow cure Polio but he can't confirm that either. I can't wait for this to drag on for at least a year.

In Real People News: 

A 20 year old Oklahoma City women is being brought up on charges after she disemboweled a cat, mutilated the eyes and put the liver in a makeup box. Why would she do this? Because she was making an outfit for a Lady Gaga concert of course! I hate Lady Gaga and cats so this one is kind of a win win.

A extra credit class at La Salle University in Philadelphia was cut short by the dean after he caught wind of strippers being used to explain business ethics. I have no idea how that could possibly work but I do not it is wrong to try to shove loose change into a g-string. So I assume the lesson had something to do with that.

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