Horror Headlines: Tuesday, April 24th, 2011

if there's one thing no one can deny it's that supermodels can act the hell out of any movie. So the news that Abbey Lee Kershaw, who's 24 and doesn't look a day over 40, has joined the cast of "Mad Max: Fury Road" is just wonderful for all involved. Especially if the role calls for chain smoking and drinking black coffee. Cause ya know I think that's how models stay thin. I don't know, I'm 40 pounds overweight.

Danielle Harris has been confirmed for the cast of Adam Green's "Hatchet III". In related news I've been confirmed to be drinking myself into a stupor and bragging to my 9 month old daughter about how I was popular in High School this coming Friday night.

Everyone's favorite giant haired writer Charlie Kaufman has been tapped to write the big screen adaptation of the young adult novel "Chaos Walking". The book tells the tale of a future world where a strange virus makes all thought audible. I assume the outcome is a lot of men getting slapped and having drinks thrown in their faces. Just my guess.

Doug Bradley, who's loved by all for playing Pinhead and Roxanne McKee, who's loved by me for her hatred of wearing clothes, have both been confirmed for the cast of "Wrong Turn 5". I'm not going to bother going over the film's plot. There's a lot of cars and a lot of wrong turns. It's pretty much a given.

In Real People News: 

I've had many a screaming matches in parking lots over people who have stolen my space. I've never resorted to biting someone's face though. Well done San Francisco woman, well done.

If you've been a dick to your wife for a long time and she suddenly offers you a massage it should probably set off a few alarms that she isn't being on the up and up. If she starts to use gasoline instead of oil it should set off some giant horns. And if you haven't figured it out by the time she lights you on fire you're pretty much an idiot.

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