There's a show on Disney Jr. called "Guess How Much I Love You" that my daughter loves and it creeps the holy living hell out of me.
It seems like every band out there is putting their music out on cassette tapes these days because they know hipsters think it's clever and will pay 10 bucks for something they probably can't even play. Well it was only a matter of time before the horror world caught on and what better movie to leave the charge than the home invasion anthology flick "V/H/S". The film will be released on the classic big box this coming January in a limited run of only about 300 copies. If you buy all 300 copies I'm pretty sure you get a free 6 pack of PBR.
Terrence Howard has joined Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal in the cast of the upcoming hey you kidnapped my kid so I'm going to torturer the crap out of you flick "Prisoners". The flick is set to start shooting in February and in case you are wondering yes I'd like to go on a weekend trip with Terrence Howard to some sort of mountain resort where we just relax and get to know each other.
"Mara" is a new Swedish film that just got picked up for US distribution and stars Angelica Jansson, a Swedish model making her film debut. If you still need to know what the movie is about to want to see it I hate your guts but it follows a young woman who returns to the home where she witnessed a murder many years ago only to find herself trapped by an a intruder. She's a Swedish model. Shame on you for asking any other questions.
Show of hands, who still has a crush on Goldie Hawn? No one? How is that possible!? Well screw you for judging me. I ask because "Death Becomes Her", the 92 flick in which she co-starred in has been picked up by the folks at Bravo for a new hour long series. Robert Zemeckis will produce the show based on the film about two women who purchase a potion that gives them eternal life. You can't deny that Meryl Streep is the greatest woman to ever live can you? You're a monster.
A 62 year old Maine man is in jail for the next 5 days after he slapped his ex-wife in the face with his manhood when she refused to have sex with him. What I don't understand is how they got into a position where his man part was out and close enough to her face to smack it and sex was not on the table.
The plot for "Seven Psychopaths" might be the most confusing thing I've ever read but it also might have the greatest cast ever. The film is about a screen writer who finds inspiration when he gets caught up in a dog napping ring that mistakenly takes a psychopathic gangsters Shih Tzu. Still with me? Now to the cast, Woody Harrelson , Tom Waits and Olga Kurylenko have just been confirmed to join Colin Farrell, Christopher Walken and Sam Rockwell in the film. It's like the heavens read my diary and put together my perfect dream date.
If you loved "The Jungle Book 2" then you're going to want to sit down for this one. Writer Evan Spiliotopoulos, who also penned "The Lion King 1½" has been tapped to write the script for the upcoming big screen adaptation of the classic video game "Asteroids". Matt Lopez has already taken a pass but when you get a chance to work with the guy who wrote the script to the direct to video follow up to some classic Disney cartoons then you don't pass it up. That's just logic.
Ah crap! It looks like Robert Zemeckis has decided to step down as the as the director of the upcoming sea monster flick "Here There Be Monsters". No replacement has been picked and as of right now no reason has been given for Zemeckis' departure. I keep calling him but he must be busy or something. I'll keep trying though and let you know what I find out.
I trust everyone named Max. It's just a rule I live by. So even though I don't know a single thing Max Borenstein has done I still trust him to write the script for the upcoming remake/reboot of "Godzilla" for the Legendary Pictures. I'm not sure if they took my opinion into consideration while making their decision but I like to think they did.
When you're 18 years old you'll do anything for some hot lovin. Like hopping on a bus and traveling from Arizona to Milwaukee to meet a girl you found online who said she'd do you. Unfortunately when you're a 21 year old female looking for a guy you and your roommate can chain up and cut repeatedly in a weird satanic sex ritual all you have to do is hop online and find a 18 year old to travel to Milwaukee to Arizona. At the end of the day the 18 year old got over 300 cuts and a script for what might be the worst eHarmony commercial ever.
The first trailer for "The Raven" staring John Cusak has hit the tubes my friend and it's chock full of birdy goodness. I think at least. Honestly I couldn't even watch the trailer because it kept locking up my computer. I can tell you the movie tells the tale of Edger Allen Poe who joins forces with a detective to stop a serial killer. You enjoy the trailer though and let me know how it goes.
Robert Zemeckis has set his eyes on "Charles Fort" as his next project. A period piece that tells the story of early-twentieth-century ghost hunter, the movie will be based on the Dark Horse comic of the same name. I wish I had something sarcastic to say about this but it just sounds so darn delightful.
Show of hands, who out there hasn't had a Tara Reid/Cloris Leachman three way fantasy? No one, that's what I thought. Well get excited because they're both on the new poster for "The Fields", a film set in 1973 that tells the true story of a Pennsylvania family who are terrorized by a strange presence in their corn field. I could sop this poster up with a biscuit! I realize that makes no sense.
Blah blah blah Rob Zombie blah blah blah "Lords of Salem" casting blah blah blah Billy Drago blah blah blah creepy guy from "The Untouchables".
In Real People News:
Like candy but hate all the spooky connotations surrounding Halloween? Well you're in luck! This year you can celebrate Jesusween with a bunch of wack jobs who believe... well I'm not 100% sure what they believe but I'm 99% sure it will end with a military stand off and some sort of death pact.
Looks like "Tales From the Crypt" might be headed back to the little screen sometime in the not too distant future. But before you go getting your Crypt Keeper thong dusted off you should know that the series will in no way resemble the original series that went off the air some 15 years ago. The show will be an hour long series with a continuous storyline focusing on characters from the comic book, meaning no anthology here. The project still needs to be pitched to networks so there's a good chance this might not even land on HBO. God willing it'll at least be on cable though. No blood and boobs would just be sad.
Everyone's favorite cuddly Brit Simon Pegg is set to star in a new horror comedy title "A Fantastic Fear of Everything". The movie will follow a children's novelist turned crime scribe who is researching serial killers and becomes paranoid that the world is out to get him. I hope he ends up combining the two genres and eventually begins fearing little baby murderers because that would be adorable.
While we all sit and wait patiently for a "Con Air" sequel it looks like Nicolas Cage and John Cusak are teaming up for a new film titled "Frozen Ground". The movie is based on the true story of serial killer Robert Hansen who abducted 24 women, let them loose in the Alaskan wilderness and hunted them. Cusak will play Hansen and Cage will pay the law man who cracks the case. So it's kind of like "Con Air" if it had made you want to cry in the shower for an hour or so after watching it.
Legendary director Robert Zemeckis is in talks to get behind the camera again for a new sea beast flick currently titled "Here There Be Monsters". The films story focuses on Revolutionary War naval fighter John Paul Jones and his battle with sea monsters. I can't confirm this but I think it's based on a true story. The film is still in it's early stages but I'm already excited for the "Sea Men" jokes on the podcast.
In Real People News:
An Arizona man is under arrest after he reportedly murdered his girlfriend after she confessed to cheating on him and then proceeded to continue living with her for about two months. But that would have to smell you might be thinking. Don't worry, he covered her in carpet cleaner and deodorizer. Problem solved.
And here's a warm little story about a man who took the only action you really can when you're refused alcohol at a restaurant because you're too intoxicated. He took out his manhood and shook it at the waiter. Just a warning though that the "only action" is also very much illegal and will get you tossed in jail.
I fancy myself a sarcastic prick but honestly there's nothing but magic in this little tidbit. Sony Pictures Animation has picked up the rights to the book "How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack" and one Mr. Robert Zemeckis has signed on to producer the big screen adaptation. What better news? Reportedly the gnome slasher is going to be rated R. Mother of god are they handing out puppies at Port Authority today too?!
Comedian Patton Oswalt has signed on to the ever growing cast of "Odd Thomas" that already includes Anton Yelchin, Willem Dafoe and Addison Timlin. This also makes him the second name I recognize, the third I've seen nude and the first I'd like to sit down for a lovely lunch as Cici's with. That Timlin looks like she'd hog all the mac n cheese pizza, and that's Joe's favorite!
Paul Soter from the Broken Lizard comedy troupe that brought you "Beerfest" and "Super Troopers" is taking on the writing role for the upcoming film "Dr. Deth with Kip and Muffy". The movie, which apparently is based on some sort of comic book, tells the story of the good doctor and his two female partners who are the only hope against the cannibalistic mutants that run ramped in a post apocalyptic New Jersey. Insert your stupid Jersey Shore, Jersey smells or Jersey sucks jokes here. Then come to my house in New Jersey so I can punch you in the face and scatter your teeth upon this kick ass New Jersey soil.
Apparently "Hatchet 3" was announced a while back but I'm honestly not sure if I missed the news or just blacked out and erased the memory. But as details are released there's no denying it anymore. According to franchise creator Adam Green he's not sure he'll be writing or directing the third installment. He does intend for Danielle Harris' character to return, but is unsure if she'll sign on to the role. This isn't really news is it. He honestly could of said he intends the film to feature images that will somehow cure Polio but he can't confirm that either. I can't wait for this to drag on for at least a year.
A extra credit class at La Salle University in Philadelphia was cut short by the dean after he caught wind of strippers being used to explain business ethics. I have no idea how that could possibly work but I do not it is wrong to try to shove loose change into a g-string. So I assume the lesson had something to do with that.