michael bay

Horror Headlines: Tuesday April 22nd, 2013

Platinum Dunes always reminds me of a cheesy porn company name. Then it reminds me of Michael Bay. Then it reminds me of how much of a prick Michael Bay is. Then it reminds me that "Bad Boys" 1 and 2 are pretty awesome so he isn't all bad. Then it reminds me that I'm suppose to be talking about "Almanac", a new time travel found footage flick that the Dune boys are going to be producing. Then it reminds me that sometimes I ramble on about nothing at all. I like jelly beans.

If you've seen the trailer for "The Purge" then you're probably just as giddy with excitement as I am. Unless you're some sort of jerk who doesn't enjoy watching a movie about a family trying to survive the one night a year when there are no laws. See how I worked in the plot there? Well you're going to have to wait an extra week because the film's release date has been pushed from May 31st to June 7th. That should give you an extra week to try to fit into that new swimsuit you just bought. Oh you, you look good in everything.

Gemma Arterton and Anna Kendrick have both been added to the cast of "The Voices", a new supernatural flick staring Ryan Reynolds. In the film Reynolds plays a factory worker who accidentally kills an attractive woman and starts to take advice on how to cover his tracks from his cat and dog. Wait no that can't be right. Alright who slipped me peyote again!?

"Hatchet 3" is set to hit DVD and Blu-Ray on August 13. We're three films in, I've run out of sarcastic comments to make about these movies. Just make up your own from now on.

In Real People News: 

A 22 year old Florida woman is under arrest after she reportedly yanked her boyfriend's penis in a violent manner after an argument. You can probably make your own jokes here really.

Ever heard the saying, "Who pissed in your coffee"? No me either but if you had the answer would be "this 16 year old kid in Montana and now he's going to jail for it".

Horror Headlines: Wednesday September 12th, 2012

I come to you this fine morning from the waiting lounge of Porter airlines in sunny Newark New Jersey. I'll be honest up until about a week ago I had no idea Porter airlines existed but now I'm hooked. Free coffee, food and wifi in the airport? I've been told the later flights have free booze. How is that possible? I plan on taking them every time I fly to Canada. Yes I never plan on going to Canada again after today but that doesn't make any of this less exciting.

Joan Allen seems like an all around nice gal. I can't say I remember one movie she's been in or actually recognize her face or name but still I think she's got a winning personality. And if that doesn't sell you on the fact that she's been added to the cast of the big screen adaptation of Stephan King's "A Good Marriage" I'm not sure what will. The story follows a wife who discovers her husband has been hiding an awful secret for many years. What's my awful secret you ask? I love those little country stores that sell all kinds of jams, jellies and knick knacks. There, it's finally out there.

If you love Michael Bay and James Wong, and I mean really love them like you want to be with them, then you're going to be super excited about the new supernatural cop drama the two are working on for A&E titled "Occult". The show follows two investigators who find themselves a part of a new task force that focuses on the occult. Just to be clear I don't mean you love them like brothers I mean you love them like you want to kidnap them and hold them hostage.

I don't know what it is about Neil Jordan but the guy has a name that makes me want to throw him off a cliff. I mean I like his movies and all I just can't stomach the name. Neil.... JORDAN. But I will get past it and watch "Byzantium", a new film of his that was just picked up by IFC. The film follows two girls who find themselves on the run when they encounter a 200 year old vampire. To be clear I'm going to watch the movie because apparently they work in a brothel for a while and the chance of nudity trumps all name hate.

Everyone's favorite uber-star Nic Cage is apparently in talks to take the lead in a new film titled "I Am Wrath". In the film Cage would play a husband who must take the law into his own hands when he finds the people investigating the murder of his wife are not such nice fellas. I assume they're fellas cause you know you never see a real prick female cop in movies. I don't know if that's sexist or not. I think it might be.

In Real People News: 

Ah young love. It makes you do crazy things. Taking off your boyfriend's prosthetic leg and beating him with it is not the first crazy thing that comes to mind usually but what do I know. I've never lived in Florida.

Biting off someone's nose during an argument is a pretty extreme form of lashing out but doing THAT to your sister? That's just bad family values.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, July 17th, 2012

We've all been sitting on pins and needles to see what's next in the ongoing tale of the big screen version of "Ouija", the classic talk to dead people "game" from Hasbro. Well Juliet Snowden and Stiles White are next in line to write and direct the flick, which has already seen a few names come and go from the production sheet, and Michael Bay is still set to produce. The duo recently worked on the upcoming kid with a demon inside flick "The Possession" in case you were wondering. In contrast Michael Bay recently finished getting a BJ from a Russian stripper who has hopes of being in "Transformers 8: Dry Hump of the Dinobots".

Hail Satan! "Rosemary's Baby" is coming to Blue-Ray on October 30th for all your demon baby Halloween needs. The disc will be chock full of interviews, making of docs and restored goodness. Plus if you buy it you'll be supporting the world's most famous sex offender. It's really a win on all accounts.

"Vamp U" is going to change the way we view film forever. I don't even care what the movie is about. I know from title alone it's going to be a game changer. And thanks to the lucky folks at Level 33 were smart enough to acquire the rights to the film. I'm sure there was a bitter bidding war over this one since it will no doubt blow all box office records away. Wait it's a vampire comedy with a guy named Wayne Gretzky who can throw his teeth? Just close production on every other movie being made in the world, Hollywood people. There's no way you're going to top this one.

It looks like David Letterman may have given away the ending to "The Dark Knight Rises" on a recent episode when he was interviewing Anne Hathaway. So here it is. SPOILER ALERT: I will still hate Anne Hathaway's guts after I see "Dark Knight Rises".

In Real People News: 

Well this a new punishment I never would have thought of. A 23 year old Texas mother is under arrest after she glued her daughter's hands to the wall. I'm not sure she thought of what to do when the "time out" was over but sometimes you learn as you go.

If you're going to check a gun to see if it works you might want to not have it pointing at your crotch when you give it a go. Because if it works, which they normally do, you will blow your balls off like this guy in Oklahoma.

Horror Headlines: Monday, March 12th, 2011

If forced at gun point to pick a favorite The Real Housewives show I would have to go with "The Real Housewives Of Orange County". It's the original so it'll always hold a place in my heart. Yes I know New Jersey brings the drama but if you didn't cry this season when Tamra and Gretchen became friends then you probably don't have a heart.

Sony Pictures has snatched up the rights to "Lockdown At Franklin High", a new monster flick set in a High School. Joe Ballarini and Gregg Bishop, the super duo behind "Dance Of The Dead" penned the script and none other than Mr. Michael Bay himself is apparently in talks to produce the film. You know what that means fellas. Supermodels who can hardly speak English!

The "Robocop" remake is on the fact track all of the sudden. It seemed like just a couple weeks ago we had no director, leading man or release date. Now the holy trinity is complete with the announcement that it'll hit theaters on August 9, 2013. Yes that's over almost a year and a half away but I'm confident with some hard work and a little bit of elbow grease we can all make this happen on time.

A while back we told you about the short film "Myctophobia" and how our friends over at Drunken Zombie were on the prowl for funding to get the project off the ground. Well it looks like all that shaking babies and kissing hands worked because today they've got a trailer for the project that will premier at Days Of The Dead in Indianapolis July 7th. So.. you're welcome and stuff.

I have no problem with Tobey Maguire but for some reason his name makes me want to punch him in the face. This in no way has anything to do with his production company Material Pictures going full steam ahead with a new alien flick titled "Fifth Wave" but I thought you might want to know. GK Films also has there tootsies in this hot tub about a girl searching for her brother after an alien invasion. What a gross word. Tootsies.

In Real People News: 

The worst possible way to start off your vacation is sitting on a plane while the flight attendant is being kicked off for telling everyone the plane is going to crash. Well I'm sure there are worse things but that's got to be in the top 20 for sure.

You must feel like king of the world when you're crowned Pokémon Champion so in turn there must be no worse feeling on the planet than having that titled stripped away from you after the judges learn that you snuck out into a hotel hallway the night before and took a crap on the floor. Only Vanessa Williams could possible know this kind of pain.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday July 28th, 2010

If you've been dying to find out more about John Carpenter's next flick, you're in luck! The doors are now open to the official website for "The Ward".

Paramount is wanting to jump in on the encroaching alien bandwagon coming for 2011 as Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes snatches up the rights to an untitled alien thriller from Bobby Glickert. Little is known about the project at this time other than they claim it is a cross between "Cloverfield" and "Paranormal Activity".

Darren Aronofsky's proposed "Robocop" remake appears to be the first project to be thrown out as MGM prepares for impending doom with their $3.7 billion debt.

In an odd twist, moody singer Nick Cave has been brought in to pen a remake of "The Crow". At least cave has a firm grasp on that whole 'dark and brooding' atmosphere that "The Crow" loves so much.

In Real People News: 

U.S. troops are happy to share their knowledge and training with their counterparts on the Afghani Police Force, except for the issues with the Afghani Policemen getting stoned while out on patrol.

A University of Minnesota Dr. has cured a woman's intestinal bacteria and diarrhea problems by transplanting her husbands feces into her colon. The term 'fudge packing' has officially been retitled 'fecal transplantation'.

On this day in history: 

1945 - A US Army B-25 bomber crashes into the Empire State Building between the 78th and 79th floors. An engine plunges down an elevator shaft, sparking a fire in the basement. Eleven people in the building are killed, in addition to the three man bomber crew.

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