A&E

Horror Headlines: Monday January 7th, 2013

Every time I watch an episode of "Shahs of Sunset" a little bit of me dies. Just to be clear I've watched every episode this season. I have trouble looking at myself in the mirror.

The internerds are all a flutter about a new rumor floating around that Mark Frost and David Lynch are in talks with NBC to revive the "Twin Peaks" series for a third season. Whether or not the rumors are true remain to be seen but if they are it sounds like Lynch is hoping most or all of the original cast will return and the series will pick after the same amount of time it's been since the show went off the air. I never watched the show so I really don't have anything funny to tack on here. Kyle MacLachlan looks like he wears women's underwear though.

If you've been waiting around with baited breath for the new A&E series "Bates Motel" well I have good news for your and your mouth. The show will finally hit the airwaves on March 18th for your viewing pleasure. I mean it's not great news. The series based on the Alfred Hitchcock's classic film "Psycho" is still a couple months away. And it won't be on till 10 pm. So you still have some waiting to do. I'm sorry I got your hopes up.

It sounds like NBC may not be done with a reboot of "The Munsters" series after all. Days after it was announced they would not be moving forward with Bryan Fuller's "Mockingbird Lane" the channels main man Bob Greenblatt came out saying they won't rule out do another show based on the series. He went on to say he likes the idea of a new show but "Mockingbird Lane" just didn't work. So kind of a big "it's not me it's you" to Fuller. He then returned all of Fuller's t-shirts that he had in his closet. And tore all the pictures of the two of them together in half. It was really ugly.

So "Texas Chainsaw 3D" brought the ruckas big time this weekend at the box office. The new sequel, retelling or whatever the hell you want to call it of Tobe Hooper's classic 1974 chainsaw romp took in $23 million this past weekend making it number 1, beating out "Django Unchained" and "The Hobbit" and pretty much guaranteeing we'll see sequel. Or a threequil. Or a prequel? I saw the flick and I honestly have no idea what to call it.

In Real People News: 

If you're going to rob a store you might want to come up with a get away plan that doesn't involve calling your mom and asking for a ride. I mean you obviously set up a time for your mom to meet you. Moms are never late. Unless it's on a sitcom and you're getting out of soccer practice. That's just common knowledge.

Two California teen girls are under arrest after they drugged their parents milkshake so they could get onto the internet. I'm not saying I condone this but I understand. Sometimes you really just need to watch some porn.

Horror Headlines: Thursday September 20th, 2012

Just in case you don't have Netflix, a DVD player, a VHS player or the internet... FEARnet has decided to start showing "Tales From the Crypt" starting October 5th.

I had no idea that A&E was making a "Bates Motel" TV movie but I've been huffing a lot of paint lately so I've missed some things. But this is a thing and it's happening and I guess Freddie Highmore was always cast as Norman a while back so today I'm here to tell you that Olivia Cooke and Nicola Peltz have both joined the cast. I think I missed my fantasy football draft also. I hope no one picked up The Fridge yet.

Still holding out hope for a third installment in the "28 Days Later" saga titled "28 Months Later"? Well writer/producer Alex Garland says it isn't going to happen. So piss off.

If you want to get your beady little eyes on some clips from the "Evil Dead" and "Carrie" remakes then you're going to want to get your ass on a plane and come to NY Comic Con because both will premiere footage there on October 13th. I mean I guess if you live in Jersey you don't need to take a plane. That would be silly. Would you fly from Newark to JFK? I'm not even sure that's possible. Think for once in your life you freakin jackass.

In Real People News: 

A 480 pound Ohio man is looking to have his execution delayed because he claims at his weight lethal injection would cause a slow and cruel death. If this works out I assume death row will suddenly become a big group of giant fat asses.

Florida.... Man.... Sex with miniature donkey... I don't even know anymore folks.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday September 12th, 2012

I come to you this fine morning from the waiting lounge of Porter airlines in sunny Newark New Jersey. I'll be honest up until about a week ago I had no idea Porter airlines existed but now I'm hooked. Free coffee, food and wifi in the airport? I've been told the later flights have free booze. How is that possible? I plan on taking them every time I fly to Canada. Yes I never plan on going to Canada again after today but that doesn't make any of this less exciting.

Joan Allen seems like an all around nice gal. I can't say I remember one movie she's been in or actually recognize her face or name but still I think she's got a winning personality. And if that doesn't sell you on the fact that she's been added to the cast of the big screen adaptation of Stephan King's "A Good Marriage" I'm not sure what will. The story follows a wife who discovers her husband has been hiding an awful secret for many years. What's my awful secret you ask? I love those little country stores that sell all kinds of jams, jellies and knick knacks. There, it's finally out there.

If you love Michael Bay and James Wong, and I mean really love them like you want to be with them, then you're going to be super excited about the new supernatural cop drama the two are working on for A&E titled "Occult". The show follows two investigators who find themselves a part of a new task force that focuses on the occult. Just to be clear I don't mean you love them like brothers I mean you love them like you want to kidnap them and hold them hostage.

I don't know what it is about Neil Jordan but the guy has a name that makes me want to throw him off a cliff. I mean I like his movies and all I just can't stomach the name. Neil.... JORDAN. But I will get past it and watch "Byzantium", a new film of his that was just picked up by IFC. The film follows two girls who find themselves on the run when they encounter a 200 year old vampire. To be clear I'm going to watch the movie because apparently they work in a brothel for a while and the chance of nudity trumps all name hate.

Everyone's favorite uber-star Nic Cage is apparently in talks to take the lead in a new film titled "I Am Wrath". In the film Cage would play a husband who must take the law into his own hands when he finds the people investigating the murder of his wife are not such nice fellas. I assume they're fellas cause you know you never see a real prick female cop in movies. I don't know if that's sexist or not. I think it might be.

In Real People News: 

Ah young love. It makes you do crazy things. Taking off your boyfriend's prosthetic leg and beating him with it is not the first crazy thing that comes to mind usually but what do I know. I've never lived in Florida.

Biting off someone's nose during an argument is a pretty extreme form of lashing out but doing THAT to your sister? That's just bad family values.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, July 3rd, 2012

Tomorrow is the 4th of July. I plan on BBQing all day and being passed out drunk before it even gets close to fireworks time. But don't feel bad for me. I've already watched this 2 and a half minute video of people doing awful things with fireworks. Happy Birthday America.

Well it looks like "Ghostbusters 3" is getting an overhaul with a whole new writing team. No word on who the new writing team is but apparently all systems are a go. Until Bill Murray gets the new draft and takes a peepee on it during the 7th inning stretch of a Toledo Mud Hens game that is.

Susan Sarandon is the latest name to be added to the cast of the upcoming rated R stop motion flick "Hell & Back." The romp revolves around a duo who travel to the underworld to bring back their friend who was accidentally taken there. Sarandon will lend her voice skills to the movie in the form of Barb the angel. Which sounds about right because lets be honest at one time or another we've all though she was sent down from the heavens to make our lives better. I can't be the only one right?

A&E has given the thumbs up to at least ten episodes of their upcoming series "Bates Motel." The show will give the viewers insight into how everyone's favorite innkeeper Norman bates came to be a cross dressing killer. I assume it started with lipstick or something. Maybe some heels. Ladies pinch, whores use rouge, Norman.

People are still making magazines apparently and a new one has hit the shelves that might interest some of you deviants. Playzom magazine is now available in some areas of California and via their facebook page. The page turner looks to be one half horror mag, one half guys mag and one half spank material. I know that equals 3 halves. That's just how much content is in there. It's almost too much to handle.

In Real People News: 

And because it's America's birthday tomorrow here's an adorable story about the new alternative to seeing eye dogs. Ladies and gentleman I am proud to present to you... the seeing eye miniature horse.

A naked man is under arrest after he ran down the streets of Indianapolis completely nude doing ninja like flips and screaming at people. Police tased the crap out of the guy to no avail before he was eventually taken down. You make your own zombie apocalypse jokes. I've completely run out.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday November 2nd, 2011

Some new artwork and an adorable featurette have popped up online for the A&E adaptation of Stephen King's "Bag Of Bones". The mini series tells the story of a grief stricken father dealing with the loss of his wife while dealing with a bitter custody battle. As you might expect the show takes place in Maine, which if you haven't visited before I suggest you drop what you're doing and head there now. The foliage... I can't even to begin to describe the foliage.

Ron Jeremy and Linnea Quigley star in a new film "Girls Gone Dead" which just so happens to have a new poster available for viewing. I'm not sure there's any other information you really need to know about the movie. Alright fine... I'm a giver. The flick tells the story of a group of college students going wild on spring break while a serial killer roams the area surrounding their vacation home. See, you're still focusing on the porn stars aren't you.

I think it would be a hoot to see Vince McMahon at the Oscars but I'm not going to hold my breath. But maybe, just maybe, the WWE funded "No One Lives" which revolves around a group of criminals who find themselves hunted by a killer will get some Oscar buzz. There's little to no chance of that ever happening but a gal can dream can't she.

I love me a Zombie comedy. Alright I really liked "Shaun of the Dead", the others I've seen have been kind of crap. But here's some new stills from "Dead Before Dawn 3D", which has none other than piranha expert Christopher Lloyd on it's cast list. I'm willing to be open minded here. But that's just the kind of guy I am.

In Real People News: 

The Utah Chainsaw Massacre? Doesn't have the same ring to it but a man was assaulted on Halloween night by a masked man tossing around a chainsaw. The man is still on the loose so I look forward to a sequel sometime in the near future. I wonder who they'll get to replace Dennis Hopper.

Don't mess with a kid and his candy. A 10 year South Carolina boy is in custody after he pulled a gun on a 28 year old woman who was trying to steal his candy. I don't even know what else to say about this. He's like a little tiny Chuck Norris or something.

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