Sometimes I drink so much coffee that my mouth actually starts to get this weird sort of raw feeling to it. Like someone took sandpaper to my jaw at night and went to town. When that happens I have to stop drinking it for at least two days. During that time I'm a real prick because I love my morning coffee. It's kind of like I go on the rag. I just thought of that. Pretty clever if I do say so myself.
I don't think anyone is excited about the DVD release of "The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)" but it's happening and it's my journalistic duty to tell you about the new box art that's been released for the ass-to-mouth opus. The hit goes on sale on Valentines day, of course, and will include director commentary, behind the scenes videos, deleted scenes and some other random goodies. And by goodies I mean stuff that will make you throw up in your mouth.
Speaking of DVD releases, it looks like the A&E miniseries "Bag of Bones", based on the Stephen King novel by the same name will be hitting shelves on March 13th. Which is surprising because I didn't realize it actually aired already. Right now it looks like the only special features being included are a couple of short features about the series, which focuses on a father wrapped up in a bitter custody battle after the death of his wife. So get ready for that hot box to hit... That's what she said.
The birth of my daughter, my wedding day and the release of "Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance". These are the three things I've been most excited about in my lifetime. I put them in that order only because I know my wife reads my news from time to time. So here's a new TV spot for the Nic Cage sequel that hits theaters on February 17th. I love you honey and I'm sorry... just about everything.
And here's a new clip from Ti West's "The Innkeepers" which has already found it's way onto VOD. If you're not up to speed on the flick it focuses on two innkeepers who try to prove their place of employment is haunted before it closes its doors for good. Anyone ever listen to that band Vison Of Disorder. I think about them every time I write about a movie that's hit VOD. Also that it's because of bands like them that I never got laid in High School.
In Real People News:
Life is rough on the streets and when you're a homeless man who happens to stumble upon a nice piece of steak you do what you have to in order to enjoy it. Like cut your fellow hobo companion's head off I guess. I don't know, I've pretty much been upper-middle class all my life.
If you haven't seen any of the Chipmunks movies then you're doing yourself a disservice. They're actually a lot of fun. So much fun that this guy in Chicago was so excited while watching the most recent flick that he dropped trow in the theater and showed the audience his nuts. Ya know, because chipmunks loves nuts. It's a pun you jerks.
Wednesday is hump day my friends. Look around your office and do what you have to do.
Good news kids! A 5 minute clip of the upcoming little screen adaptation of Stephen king's "Bag Of Bones" has made it's way online. The miniseries focuses on a grief stricken husband who returns to the lakeside house him and his wife owned while dealing with a bitter custody battle. I want to be 100% honest. The download instructions for this clip confused the hell out of me so I didn't watch it. I want this relationship to be built on honesty.
The majority of the "Evil Dead" news flying around these days is mostly just interviews with people attached to the flick saying it's going to be awesome and fans will be happy. But today, today my friends, on this glorious of all hump days, we have news that director Fede Alvarez is planning on taking the show to New Zealand to begin filming in March. And if a bunch of sheep herders with strange accents doesn't ring true to the original "Evil Dead" I don't know what does.
If you love David Cronenberg then you're going to have somewhat pleasant feelings towards his son Brandon Cronenberg and his new project "Antiviral". Proof is in the first still we're getting today from the film that follows an employee at a clinic that sells injections of live viruses harvested from sick celebrities to obsessed fans. Don't let the fact bother you that the guy in the photo has a pony tail and by definition anyone with a pony tail is a prick. Please, let's try to be adults about this.
Honestly the only reason we're going to discuss these set picks from Neil Jordan's "Byzantium" if because I find them so confusing. They're of Gemma Arterton, who plays a vampire in the flick, prancing around the coast of Ireland in a red dress with all her goods hanging out. Sounds awesome I know but then you get to the final shot of some strange PA who appears to be examining Arterton's lady bits. I have so many feeling going on inside me right now I'm not sure what to do. I'm laughing and crying at the same time. I think it's best we call it a day.
In Real People News:
Here's a story about a fashion model in Texas who has been seriously injured after she walked into a plane propeller. Are you laughing right now? Congratulations! You're officially a monster.
Do not mess with the fire department in Tennessee. Or at least don't forget to pay the 75$ annual fee you owe to them. Because they will come to your house while it's burning and watch that giant trailer you call a home go up in flames. At least they didn't roast marshmallows. That would just be in poor taste.
Some new artwork and an adorable featurette have popped up online for the A&E adaptation of Stephen King's "Bag Of Bones". The mini series tells the story of a grief stricken father dealing with the loss of his wife while dealing with a bitter custody battle. As you might expect the show takes place in Maine, which if you haven't visited before I suggest you drop what you're doing and head there now. The foliage... I can't even to begin to describe the foliage.
Ron Jeremy and Linnea Quigley star in a new film "Girls Gone Dead" which just so happens to have a new poster available for viewing. I'm not sure there's any other information you really need to know about the movie. Alright fine... I'm a giver. The flick tells the story of a group of college students going wild on spring break while a serial killer roams the area surrounding their vacation home. See, you're still focusing on the porn stars aren't you.
I think it would be a hoot to see Vince McMahon at the Oscars but I'm not going to hold my breath. But maybe, just maybe, the WWE funded "No One Lives" which revolves around a group of criminals who find themselves hunted by a killer will get some Oscar buzz. There's little to no chance of that ever happening but a gal can dream can't she.
I love me a Zombie comedy. Alright I really liked "Shaun of the Dead", the others I've seen have been kind of crap. But here's some new stills from "Dead Before Dawn 3D", which has none other than piranha expert Christopher Lloyd on it's cast list. I'm willing to be open minded here. But that's just the kind of guy I am.
Apps are all the rage with the kids these days. Why just yesterday I was down at the malt shop and there was a group of kids just going gaga over some apps. So why wouldn't the people behind "Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings" make an app to promote their movie which hits DVD on October 25th? There's no reason! Of course their app is a cookbook that's chock full of all kinds of helpful recipes. I don't see a reason for that either but man... apps, huh!
I don't care if she dated Marilyn Manson I still have a crush on Rose McGowan. I can't just throw away the special times we had with "Jawbreaker" like they didn't matter. So I'm willing to give "Rosewood Lane" a chance. The film is a new thriller which stars McGowen as a radio show host who moves back to her hometown after the death of her father and finds her paperboy is a nut job. You really don't see enough killer paperboy flicks anymore.
We were all giddy about "Tucker and Dale vs Evil" here at BGH so the news that co-writer Morgan Jurgenson has penned the script for a new movie titled "Hyperdrive" where a cop saves a sci-fi nerd who turns out to be the key witness in a murder. Not giddy like pee our pants giddy but still pretty excited. The word "semi" was used in a few descriptions. I'm going to let your mind tell the rest of that story.
Remember that song "Them bones" by Alice In Chains? Man that was a good song. That song has nothing to do with the new trailer for the new AMC 2 night mini-series "Bag Of Bones". I just really like that song. The show is based on the Stephen King novel of the same name and tells the story of a man haunted by the memory of his deceased wife during a bitter custody battle. It's a 4 hour series so they might play the song at some point. Keep your fingers crosses.
In Real People News:
This might be the most metal thing ever. The bass play of a local Colorado band is under arrest after he punched his lead singer so hard in the face that he went into a coma. If I were them I would change the bands name to "Punched Into A Coma" and go on tour. I should be their manager.
Oh Massachusetts. You silly state of funny accented simpletons. I mean that in the nicest way possible. But here's a family who got so confused and lost in a corn maze that they dialed 911. Apparently they didn't mind staying in the corn maze but they were frightened because they couldn't find anything to eat. Alright I made that last part up. Get it though? Corn maze... nothing to eat? It's made of corn! I hate you all.
The website for the Guillermo del Toro co-written frightfest "Don't Be Afraid Of the Dark" has hit the tubes for your time wasting enjoyment. Normally I wouldn't give a crap about a website launch but this one is actually pretty cool. Spooky voices that whisper your name and some hot webcam action make it all kinds of fun. Although it's probably going to be a giant let down after I built it up with promises of "hot webcam action".
All kind of news around "The Walking Dead" seems to be flying out of Comic-Con and probably the most exciting is that season 2 now officially has a premiere date of Sunday, October 16. The second most exciting thing is that a trailer for the upcoming season has been released. Third most exciting is a bunch of stills. Fourth most exciting is that to date I have not been notified that I won't be signed on to the cast for season 3.
AMC has officially announced a four part mini-series based on Stephan King's "Bag of Bones", a story that focuses on a man haunted by the loss of his wife. Pierce Brosnan and Anabeth Gish are both confirmed for the project which begins filming next month. Proof once again that if you wait long enough every book will be turned into moving pictures. The point here is reading is dumb.
The first trailer for the live action role playing kiddnapping succubus flick (seriously) "Knights of Badassdom" has hit the net thanks to all things Comic-Con and it looks hella good, son. Do people still say hella good? Ya know, like that No Doubt song? Is No Doubt still popular? They broke up?! Oh god.
The Guillermo del Toro produced and co-written film "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" has been kicking around for so long I honestly thought I saw and loved it 2 years ago. Of course I spent 3 years in the jungle surviving mostly on peyote and strange mushrooms so I'm not sure which memories are real anymore. But a full trailer has hit the net and honestly it looks even better then I remember it. I think.
Tom Savini has decided to dust off his makeup tools and come out of retirement to work on a couple of Australian independent horror films. "Redd Inc" is a revenge film that focuses on an online stripper who gets kidnapped and "Mary Doe" is about a woman who gets lost in the desert and finds herself smack dab in the middle of a zombie outbreak. Of course now that he's doing FX again we can only hope Savini decides to dust off the golden speedo one more time. The world needs it now more than ever.
If you're excited for this Sunday's premier of "True Blood" Season 4 than I'm sad to report you are officially off my Christmas card list. But while you sob about that loss you can check out the first 3 minutes of the new episode. I didn't watch it but I assume it's full of ridiculous accents and dry humping. The formula apparently works well.
Word around campus is an TV mini-series adaptation of Stephen King's "Bag of Bones" could begin filming as early as July. The book follows a man who returns to his summer home after the loss of his wife to try to break his writer's block. Unfortunately his wife's ghost isn't done with him yet and things don't go according to plan. Women, they'll even nag ya from the grave! Am I right, fellas? Is this thing on?
In Real People News:
Jackpot Sanitation is a company in Las Vegas that specializes in port-o-potties, among other things. That makes that fact that one of their former managers is now possibly facing charges for urinating in another employee's drinks on a number of occasions. I can't imagine the "I couldn't find anyplace else to go" defense is going to fly.
A woman in Washington was recently hiking with her friends and decided to shoot some video of the exciting action. When she got home and reviewed the clips she realized she may have actually gotten video of Bigfoot himself. After viewing the video though I can confirm this whole thing is ridiculous. I've seen Bigfoot on a number of occasions and it's a giant truck not some hunched over freak. Stupid hippies.
With talks of "Scream IV" and the release of the all new "Nightmare on Elm Street", Wes Craven is on a lot of people's minds. The latest rumors say that there is a remake in the works for Craven's "Deadly Friend". Though still in the preliminary stages, the word is that Warner Brothers will be shooting for 3D on the film as well.
Hollywood carries on the status quo as there is even more remake news about. The next horror oldie on deck? George Romero's semi-realistic vampire tale, "Martin". Lending a small bit of legitimacy to the rumor, the film is said to be produced by original Romero backer Richard P. Rubinstein.
Adam McKay spills the beans on an upcoming project titled "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters", produced by McKay and directed by "Dead Snow" helmer Tommy Wirkola. Set 15 years after the pairs escape from the wicked witch, McKay promises that the movie will be a Sam Raimi style shocker with steam punk elements. Most frightening of all; they've already offered roles to many members of the "Twilight" cast.
A Puerto Rican man heads to court to fend off child pornography charges after authorities found a questionable video in his baggage. Despite a health official swearing that the girl in the video could be no more than 12 years old, Porn Star Lupe Fuentes, also known as "Little Lupe", showed up at the hearing to prove that she was in fact, legal.
A 16 year old boy loses a hand when an explosion tears apart his bedroom. Though there are no details on what caused the incident, your mother reminds you once again that you'll go blind if you keep looking at that stuff.
On this day in history:
1970 - 28 Ohio National Guardsmen kill four students and wound nine others at Kent State University.
If you're curious to see how the "House on Sorority Row" remake is coming along (titled just "Sorority Row"), prints of the trailer are reported to be attached to Nic Cage's "Knowing", which hits theaters this weekend. Or you can just wait until Monday when it shows up online. Probably better for your health.