the voices

Horror Headlines: Wednesday April 24th, 2013

The names keep being added to the upcoming murder cover up being advised by a talking cat and dog flick "The Voices". Next on the list of additions is Jacki Weaver, who I find strangely attractive even though she's just shy of 100 I think. No word on what role she'll be playing and honestly I don't know what my deal is with her. I don't understand what's going on with my downstairs half the time in all honesty.

The folks over at Lionsgate and Summit have picked up a new zombie comedy flick titled "You'll Be the Death Of Me". Produced by the same folks that brought you "Warm Bodies". Details are pretty loose but it sounds like it's about a couple falling in love in NYC while a killer's on the loose. So ya know, all kinds of yuk yuks to be had for your funny bone.

I'm still somewhat confused by what the hell was going on in "Pontypool" but the film's writer, Tony Burgess and leading man, Stephen McHattie have both signed up for "Hellmouth", a new film about a dark journey to find the mystery behind a local cemetery. John Geddes of "Exit Humanity" fame is set to direct.

John and Drew Dowdle, the fellas behind "Quarantine" have lined up "As Above, So Below" as their next project. The film is still being cast but is set to follow two archaeologists as they search the tunnels below Paris for treasure. I bet it smells like armpits down there.

In Real People News: 

Ya know if a first date isn't going well why not just take the opportunity to car jack your not fun date's car? I wish I had thought of that back in my crying myself to sleep days.

A Salt Lake City Mormon bishop fended off an attacker trying to assault his neighbor with a Samurai sword. I don't know where we go from here, folks.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday April 22nd, 2013

Platinum Dunes always reminds me of a cheesy porn company name. Then it reminds me of Michael Bay. Then it reminds me of how much of a prick Michael Bay is. Then it reminds me that "Bad Boys" 1 and 2 are pretty awesome so he isn't all bad. Then it reminds me that I'm suppose to be talking about "Almanac", a new time travel found footage flick that the Dune boys are going to be producing. Then it reminds me that sometimes I ramble on about nothing at all. I like jelly beans.

If you've seen the trailer for "The Purge" then you're probably just as giddy with excitement as I am. Unless you're some sort of jerk who doesn't enjoy watching a movie about a family trying to survive the one night a year when there are no laws. See how I worked in the plot there? Well you're going to have to wait an extra week because the film's release date has been pushed from May 31st to June 7th. That should give you an extra week to try to fit into that new swimsuit you just bought. Oh you, you look good in everything.

Gemma Arterton and Anna Kendrick have both been added to the cast of "The Voices", a new supernatural flick staring Ryan Reynolds. In the film Reynolds plays a factory worker who accidentally kills an attractive woman and starts to take advice on how to cover his tracks from his cat and dog. Wait no that can't be right. Alright who slipped me peyote again!?

"Hatchet 3" is set to hit DVD and Blu-Ray on August 13. We're three films in, I've run out of sarcastic comments to make about these movies. Just make up your own from now on.

In Real People News: 

A 22 year old Florida woman is under arrest after she reportedly yanked her boyfriend's penis in a violent manner after an argument. You can probably make your own jokes here really.

Ever heard the saying, "Who pissed in your coffee"? No me either but if you had the answer would be "this 16 year old kid in Montana and now he's going to jail for it".

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