Melancholia

Horror Headlines: Monday, January 9th, 2012

Do people still use the word "cherry" to describe their virginity? Ya know like, "I totally lost my cherry to Johnny by the dumpster after last week's dance"? Anyway when I was little I always thought I would lose my cherry to The Jeff Healey Band's timeless classic "Angel Eyes". For those of you not familiar with Jeff Healey he's the blind guitar player who was in "Road House". If you're not familiar with "Road House" then there isn't much I can do for you.

Apparently my opinion means nothing because the National Society of Film Critics has named Lars Von Trier's "Melancholia" as their number one film of 2011. What that actually means I couldn't tell you but "Drive Angry" is nowhere to be found on the list so I'm calling the entire thing bullshit.

I continue to cover "Underworld: Awakening" news only because Eric has now already gone on record that it will be his number 1 film for 2012. So here's a new clip from the film for Eric to enjoy. It's got Kate Beckinsale blowing some crap up and running around in a cat suit. I assume at least. I didn't really watch them. These were specifically made for Eric.

The only thing I know about "The Grey" is that Liam Neeson fights a bunch of wolves in it. I have no idea what else anyone would want to know about the movie though because that's so bad ass it makes my tummy hurt. Just look at this new poster for the film. Neeson all bad ass in the snow and crap. Does your tummy hurt? No? Well I drank some Baileys that expired 3 years ago yesterday so that might be what's doing it for me. We may never know.

If you liked "Splice" then you're not me. Which explains why you never put in any sort of effort with the news. I should stop getting pissed at you I guess. But the director of the film, Vincenzo Natali, has been tapped to direct a new film titled "Haunter". The twist here is the movie is a haunted house story, but told through the eyes of a spirit haunting the house. Did your nose just start bleeding? That's because I just blew your mind.

In Real People News: 

I'll be the first to admit I don't get art. I mean don't get me wrong I understand a painting of a house is a house. But smears and all that Andy Warhol garbage is just lost on me. For that reason I don't really go to museums. If I did I might have to do like this woman in Denver, who is now being brought up on charges for trying to pee on a $30 Million painting while she was drunk.

A Oklahoma man is in some hot water after he went into a maternity store, started trying on bras and dresses and then exposed himself to everyone. I'm so baffled by this I can't come up with something witty to say. Well done my friend.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday October 11th, 2011

"You're Next" is a new "vacation gone bad because of a bunch of nut jobs" flick that's getting all kinds of giggles and gaggles from the peanut gallery. Yes I know that doesn't make any sense but I'm running out of creative ways to say a movie looks good. Check out the new poster for the flick which features a creepy mask all covered in blood. It'll really make your hog-swallow turn a randy flipgate on a dime.

Word around campus is Mr. Tom Cruise is in discussion to take the lead role in the upcoming flick "We Mortals Are". The movie is being described as "Source Code" but with aliens or as I'll call it a movie I fell asleep watching... with aliens. The film will be directed by Doug Liman and watched by no one.

Yes yes Lars Von Tier said some pretty stupid things but hot hog if his new end of the world flick "Melancholia" doesn't look good. I know I'm surprised by my chipper mood today too. And today we've got a new motion poster for the flick which comes out on 11-11-11. The movie stars Kirsten Dunst who won best actress at Cannes this past May for her role in the flick. Her snaggle tooth took home runner up.

In what might be the most shocking news of the last 15 minutes it looks like "Hostel III" will be heading direct to DVD this coming December. I know I had expected a big Hollywood premier event also. You can probably guess the plot of this one so I'll just tell you it takes place in Vegas. Feel free to do your own awful "Swingers" impressions now.

In Real People News: 

A South Carolina teacher is accused of punching one of her students in the face after the 13 year old boy tossed a pen in the trash can. Some people really hate it when you don't recycle. Of course I have no idea if you can recycle a pen. I'm not some damn hippie.

And speaking of school time fun. Here's a Florida man who's been arrested after he repeatedly made number 2 on the steps of a local school. Morning kids!

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, September 6th, 2011

Some behind the scenes photos from the set of "Piranha 3DD" have popped up online and they're full of giant fishy goodness. Giant fish and other... giant things. Ya know... the giant of giant things you expect to see in "Piranha 3DD".. Boobs. I'm talking about boobs.
And here it is folks, the first trailer for Tom Six's "The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)". The sequel to the little gross out horror movie that could. There's not much in the way of footage and I'm not even sure if this is that actual movie but that doesn't make it any less exciting. The fact that it kind of looks like crap, that makes it less exciting. That and only that.
I had completely forgotten that Anne Hathaway was playing Selena Kyle (aka Catwoman) in "The Dark knight Rises" but here's a gaggle of new set photos and looky loo there she is. Unless someone made a mistake and these are shots from "The Princes Diaries 3". And if that is the case it looks like things take a serious turn for the worse for our Princess. Attacked by homeless people kind of worse. I like the new direction.
Lars Von Trier may or may not be a giant racist but that doesn't make his new movie "Melancholia" look any less awesome. Not even Kirsten Dunst's toothy smile can take away from the visual goodness that is the new trailer for the flick. For those of you not up to speed that movie focuses on a couple celebrating their marriage while another planet heads toward earth. Meaning the world's going to end and Mr. Right isn't going to even get a wedding night with Snaggly Tooth. The lord works in mysterious ways.
In Real People News: 
I can't imagine anyone has ever won an argument with a cop about getting their drugs back but then again I can't imagine anyone has ever had that argument completely nude, like this sassy chap from Texas. In case you're wondering he still didn't win the argument.
And here's a heartwarming story about a New York man who is wanted by police for sniffing children s feet at a local library. I wonder if that cops had to look up if that was even illegal. If it wasn't it is now.

Horror Headlines: Monday, August 29th, 2011

Remember when Lars von Trier was just a guy who directed movies where people got bashed in the genitals with a ball-peen hammer? Now he's gone all Anti-Semite. I have absolutely no idea what that has to do with the new UK trailer for his film "Melancholia" but I thought it was a clever intro to the news. I thought wrong didn't I.

Remember the US remake of "Ju-on" AKA "The Grudge" a few years back with that broad from Buffy? No? It doesn't matter because they're making another one. For those of you not familiar with the film it focuses on a house that is all haunted and spooky and eff's with anyone who enters it. I can't imagine this one will be good either but I think 1 or 2 more versions of it and they'll really have something decent going on.

Who doesn't have a crush on Brad Pitt? No one. No one that's who! If you say you don't have a crush on Brad Pitt then you are a god damn liar. Anyway here's a bunch of stills from Sir Sexy battling Zombies on the set of "World War Z". I like it because I can be all, "Oh hey I love Zombie movies. Wait is that Brad Pitt? Well sure I'll watch this I guess. I mean I love zombies movies and stuff. Jeez it's not like I have crush on Brad Pitt or something. Get off my back!"

It looks like "Hatchet 3" has a director but it also looks like creator Adam Green is playing coy with details on who it is. Because ya know, everyone's chomping at the bit to know who's going to be taking the lead on "Hatchet 3". Just the other day I was on the bus and this young child was asking her mother, "Mommy, when will we know who is directing 'Hatchet 3?'' And then the young mother burst into tears because she didn't know. It was heartbreaking. I think at this point it's pretty obvious that I'm drunk.

In Real People News: 

You know how it goes. You break into one house and take a pair of ladies underthings and the next thing you know your father is calling the cops on you because he's discovered a duffel bag full of 66 pairs of women's panties. All kidding aside, who else is uncomfortable with my using the word "panties" in a post? I know I am.

"A" for effort to this guy who crashed a stolen semi truck into a porn shop and ran off with $800 worth of goods. "F" for not getting away with it though. Who pays for porn anymore? Even the library has the internet these days.

Horror Headlines: Thursday May 12th, 2011

Alexis Texas, 2011 AVN award winner for her work in "Buttwoman vs. Slutwoman" has officially jumped over into the word of horror with her leading role in "Bloodlust Zombies". The movie focuses on an office that suffers a nutso mutant virus outbreak, with sexy results. A new trailer for the film has hit the tubes and I'll give Alexis this, her fellow pornstar brethren who have crossed over have generally taken on roles as versatile as hooker and stripper, so kudos for going outside the box. Pun intended.

The first clip from Lars von Trier's end of the world movie "Melancholia" has hit the tubes and while it's imposable to see Charlotte Gainsbourg without thinking she's about to destroy someone's genitals I have to say this flick looks fairly tame. Then again there's nothing you can do about the snaggle tooth action that is Kirsten Dunst. Mutilated genitals or not, that toothy mastermind will destroy us all.

Gary Busey? Sure! David Hasselhoff? What in the holy living hell is going on. Of course if I were to ask you to guess what horror movie the Hoff would be cast in the obvious answer would be "Piranha 3DD" so this should come as no surprise but still he's been confirmed for the sequel that will take place at a waterpark. Charlie Sheen is next, right? It can't be far off.

You know that morbidly obese girl at your office who is always saying things like "I sooo need to go on a diet" and "Oh wow I super need to get back to the gym" in the hopes that you'll tell her she looks great and doesn't need to change a thing? Well here's the people from Dimension Films taking to twitter to ask the 15 people (11 if you don't count us on the podcast) that saw "Scream 4" to tweet how bad they want to see a 5th installment. Get on the treadmill Ghostface, your fat ass isn't going to tone itself while you sit on the couch and play "Call of Duty".

In Real People News: 

A Colorado mother is under arrest after branding her daughter with a hot knife. I understand this is illegal and bad but how else are you suppose to mark your children? How will you tell she's yours when she's in a crowd? The herd will kill us all people! The cows have taken control!

And here's a crazy guy on the NYC subway dropping his pants and screaming racist nonsense. You're welcome.

Horror Headlines: Friday April 29th, 2011

Elizabeth Banks is the latest name to be added to the cast of "The Hunger Games", a post apocalyptic flick that centers around a group of children who are sent to battle each other for their homelands. No clue what role Banks will play but if I was a betting man I'd say she isn't going to be one of the children. Unless they do that weird CGI adult head on a baby. But that's just creepy and no one wants to see that. Ever.

A couple of new stills and a poster have popped up on the tubes for Lars Von Trier's upcoming end of the world film "Melancholia". I don't care how many posters, stills or trailers they release for this movie that tell me otherwise I am 100% positive someone is getting a hammer to the penis in this film. You can't fool me Lars! You crafty son of a bitch.

As far as I know R.L. Stine's work has never made it to the big screen but it looks like that's about to change. While we wait for a Goosebumps movie to come to life his book "It's the First Day of School" has been picked up by the Holly of Woods and will be coming to the silver screen in the near future. I'm already looking to enjoying how uncomfortable it's going to be sitting along in a theater full of children because I have to watch this for the podcast. Piss off, Chris Hanson, I have to be here!

Well I can't say I'm surprised but I also can't say I'm excited. "Troll Hunter", my favorite movie of all time this week is going to see a U.S. remake in the near future. While nothing has been signed the film's director André Øvredal has confirmed the remake will be happening but the good news is he sounds positive about it. Or at least that's what people think, everything those Norwegians say sounds like the recording of a talking German robot being played backwards.

In Real People News: 

A 24 year old Australian man is going on trial for the murder of his roommate after they got into an argument after he refused to turn off his Limp Bizkit CD. If my roommate in college tried to murder me every time I forced him to listen to Limp Bizkit I wouldn't have made it past the first week. Durst fans, we need to unite.

Wait it's illegal to drive around McDonald's parking lot and run over ducks? Since when!? Who gives a crap about ducks? F this crap. I say we all drive to Michigan and demand this man be released! He isn't in jail you say? Well let's demand he be put in there and then released immediately.

Horror Headlines: Monday April 11th, 2011

The first trailer for Lars Von Trier's new end of the world flick "Melancholia" has hit the tubes and much to my surprise it looks fairly un-hammer-to-the-penis-like. Yes that women who took a hammer to William Defeo's penis in "Antrichrist" is in this movie, so you keep thinking about it, but there's nothing to lead me to believe that's going to happen again. God I hope that doesn't happen again.

Speaking of Willem Dafoe and his lumbering manbits, they'll both be in the upcoming big screen adaptation of Dean Kootz's "Odd Thomas". The story focuses on a cook who's able to speak to the dead. Defoe plays a police chief who knows the young lad's secret. I have no clue if Defoe's member will be playing a different role.

It looks as if Rob Hall's "Fear Clinic" mini-series will be making it's way to the big screen, and Danielle Harris and Robert Englund are both on board for the magic. For those of you who aren't familiar with the series or Rob Hall's spiky hair, it follows a group of patients who come to a clinic in order to cure the phobias that run their lives. Much like the god awful fear I have of Willem Dafoe's privates. Let's keep this going!

Jessica Biel his apparently been offered a role in the upcoming "Total Recall" remake. No confirmation on which role she's been offered but chances are it's one of the two leads. She doesn't seem like the kind of girl who would be into playing that big women who has an exploding head or the three boobed hooker. Then again what do I know, I'm still focused on Willem Dafoe's flim flam. Happy Monday folks!

In Real People News: 

I have no idea if there's a bestiality handbook out there, but I don't think you need one to know you don't do it in your backyard. But it looks like this 17 year old in New Zealander doesn't know that because he's been convicted of the animal nasty after his neighbor saw him making love to his cat. Yeah I said it, making love.

After 64 years on this planet you've got to be struggling for ideas on how to celebrate your birthday. But this Florida man came up with something new, he flashed a school bus full of kids! I would of gone with a trip to Denny's, I'm pretty sure you eat for free. But flashing a bunch of kids would be a close second.

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