Total Recall

Horror Headlines: Thursday, July 5th, 2012

"Motel" is a new thriller about a hit man brought to a secluded motel in the delta bayou who finds he must battle his peers for survival. Sounds like the worst vacation in the world? Am I right? And what's the deal with airplane food! Anyway John Cusack, Robert De Niro and Crispin Glover have all been added to the cast so maybe it wouldn't be such a bad trip after all. Well unless that Glover guy goes in the pool. He's so pale. It'll frighten the children.

I don't know why I just assumed that the "Total Recall" remake was going to be rated R but it looks like the scamps over at the MPAA have dropped the bomb that it will in fact be slapped with a PG-13 tag. This pretty much ruins the hopes I had of seeing an updated version of the 3 boobed hooker. Thanks guys, thanks for ruining our nation's birthday.

Entrepreneur Marc Siwak is working on plans that would bring a live action zombie based theme park called "Z World" to the Detroit area.The plan would take over 200 acres of abandoned housing and factories and turn them into an overnight adventure where people can live in their very own zombie outbreak. I don't want to spoil anything but I'm pretty sure if you want to run for your life in Detroit you can pretty much do that for free now pretty easily.

It's the day after the 4th of July so it's really slow and truth be told right now I'm pretty caught up with video footage of Lita Ford singing "If I Close My Eyes Forever" at a recent concert so I'm just going to tell you that Jena Malone has apparently landed the role of Johanna Mason in "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire". I know what you're wondering and the answer is yes, Lita sings the Ozzy part and yes she goes right into "Kiss Me Deadly".

In Real People News: 

Three women in Florida getting arrested for prostitution isn't news. I mean unless one of them is named "Donkey". Then it's a cover story in my book.

If you're going to go to town on yourself while sticking a water gun up your backside don't do it while driving. That's just unsafe for everyone.

My 9 Most Anticipated Horror Films of the Summer

Logan Marshall-Green, Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender, Prometheus

Summer movie season is here in all it's popcorn filled glory. Though as fun and indulgent as this time of year is for film fans, it can often leave horror fans wanting. Yet a strong set of films is on the horizon that should keep genre fans relatively happy throughout their summer break. So without further ado here are the 9 Most Anticipated Summer Genre Films.


9. Piranha 3DD


Date: June 1
Director: John Gulager

Horror Headlines: Wednesday May 11th, 2011

Two difference between "Buried" and the new movie "Coffin". First, "Coffin" doesn't take place entirely in a box like "Buried". Second, and probably most importantly, only "Coffin" has Kevin "Mutha F'in Hercules" Sorbo. Get some! You can see Sorbo and all the not entirely shot in a box goodness in the new trailer that's recently hit the tubes.

If you read Eric's review of "Bonnie & Clyde vs. Dracula" on this very site almost 3 years ago and have been hoping and waiting for the movie to hit DVD than your long wait is finally over. Get pumped! What are you going to do with all your free time now that you're done waiting? Maybe learn sign language or something. Do something with your life!

Aaron Eckhart, Sean Bean and Anna Sophia Robb have all signed on to "Pan", a new dark take on the classic tale of "Peter Pan". For those of you hoping to see Eckhart's man bits stuffed inside some green tights I'm sorry to tell you he'll play Hook in the film, no word yet on who will play Pan. If you want though maybe try to contact Eckhart and see if he'll wear tights for you anyway. I don't know, he seems like a nice guy.

Ethan Hawke is the latest name to be attached to the "Total Recall" remake but don't get too excited because word around campus is he'll only be making a cameo in the film. What that means I have no idea because how do you make a cameo in a remake of a movie you weren't originally in? Am I missing something? Was he Quato? Is he going to be Quato? If not can I be Quato? Quato Quato!

In Real People News: 

A 20 year old Pittsburgh student was shot and killed recently while trying to trade his iPad for drugs, heroin to be exact. Was it because he tried to trade it for the white one? No one wants the white one, especially not some hard core guys with some primo smack. That's just common knowledge.

I like to think she was trying to recreate that awesome scene from "Return of the Living Dead" but my guess is this Arizona woman was just all drugged up when she was arrested in a cemetery while dancing naked. Of course in the movie the girl ends up getting eaten by zombies so I guess in the long run just getting arrested is no so bad.

Horror Headlines: Friday April 22nd, 2011

Hey remember when Snoop Dogg was awesome? I know you think it wasn't so long ago but the truth is about two years after "Doggystyle" came out he he started doing VH1 shows and turned into the safe rapper and killed my gangsta dreams. Anyway in 2006 he made an awful movie called "Hood of Horror" and apparently he wants to make a sequel. You broke my heart Snoop, you broke it in two.

All the world has troll fever and the only fix is the Norwegian flick "The Troll Hunter". Well good news! There's a new clip from the film and while it doesn't give much in the way of trolls it does feature one salty looking Norwegian. So that's still good! Just so I'm clear when I say "the world" I actually mean Mark from the Bloody Good Horror Podcast. The guy is obsessed with the freakin thing.

If it wasn't for the fact that "Attack The Block" was made by the Brits I would say it sounds mildly racist. And no I will not explain my reasoning for this. Well there's a new trailer for the teens vs. aliens sci-fi comedy romp for you people and I think it speaks for itself. 100% honest, I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about anymore.

Kate Beckinsale has been offered the role of Lori in the upcoming remake of "Total Recall". Lori of course was played by Sharon Stone in the original and for years I've been saying things like, "Hey that Kate Beckinsale, she's going to go places just like Sharon Stone did after she played Lori in the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger classic 'Total Recall'". I say that all the time... if you know me you know that.

In Real People News: 

Holy mother of god! An Alabama man is under arrest after he dug out his 72 year old Uncle's eyes with a spoon. Is this legible? I'm having trouble typing with all the vomit on my keyboard.

Here's a video of a baby penguin being tickled that's all over the tubes the past few days... He dug out his uncle's freakin eyes!

Horror Headlines: Monday April 11th, 2011

The first trailer for Lars Von Trier's new end of the world flick "Melancholia" has hit the tubes and much to my surprise it looks fairly un-hammer-to-the-penis-like. Yes that women who took a hammer to William Defeo's penis in "Antrichrist" is in this movie, so you keep thinking about it, but there's nothing to lead me to believe that's going to happen again. God I hope that doesn't happen again.

Speaking of Willem Dafoe and his lumbering manbits, they'll both be in the upcoming big screen adaptation of Dean Kootz's "Odd Thomas". The story focuses on a cook who's able to speak to the dead. Defoe plays a police chief who knows the young lad's secret. I have no clue if Defoe's member will be playing a different role.

It looks as if Rob Hall's "Fear Clinic" mini-series will be making it's way to the big screen, and Danielle Harris and Robert Englund are both on board for the magic. For those of you who aren't familiar with the series or Rob Hall's spiky hair, it follows a group of patients who come to a clinic in order to cure the phobias that run their lives. Much like the god awful fear I have of Willem Dafoe's privates. Let's keep this going!

Jessica Biel his apparently been offered a role in the upcoming "Total Recall" remake. No confirmation on which role she's been offered but chances are it's one of the two leads. She doesn't seem like the kind of girl who would be into playing that big women who has an exploding head or the three boobed hooker. Then again what do I know, I'm still focused on Willem Dafoe's flim flam. Happy Monday folks!

In Real People News: 

I have no idea if there's a bestiality handbook out there, but I don't think you need one to know you don't do it in your backyard. But it looks like this 17 year old in New Zealander doesn't know that because he's been convicted of the animal nasty after his neighbor saw him making love to his cat. Yeah I said it, making love.

After 64 years on this planet you've got to be struggling for ideas on how to celebrate your birthday. But this Florida man came up with something new, he flashed a school bus full of kids! I would of gone with a trip to Denny's, I'm pretty sure you eat for free. But flashing a bunch of kids would be a close second.

Horror Headlines: Thursday March 31st, 2011

Bryan Cranston who you probably know from "Breaking Bad" is in talks to play Richter (the bad guy) in the upcoming "Total Recall" remake. I give this casting a thumbs up based solely on the fact that I have a lot of trouble telling the difference between TV and reality so I think it's cool a meth dealer is making it big in Hollywood. Gives me hope.

Denis O'Hare has joined the cast of the upcoming FX series "American Horror Story" which already features Connie Britton. The show comes to the small screen this fall and is created by the same fellas that brought you "Glee". So that's something huh! Each season will apparently feature a new cast so I'd officially throw my hat in the ring for season 2. Unless there's singing and dancing then maybe I'm not your guy.

"Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation" has wrapped principal photography and in honor of this glorious event some new images have hit the tubes for your peepers to gaze upon. before you go getting all excited you should know that the film is a prequel for 2006's "Night of the Living Dead 3D" which was honestly like having yours eyes stabbed with needles while a local towny hits you in the grunties with a hammer. Not good is what I mean, it wasn't good.

Craig Robinson is using his free time to play the role of the devil in the upcoming Lionsgate dark comedy "Rapturepalooza". The movie, which Robinson is also producing focuses on a couple trying to get back on their feet after the religious apocalypse takes place. I can't think of anything sarcastic to say here, Robinson seems like a generally nice guy and I'd like to be his friend. Wouldn't it be cool if he saw this and we became BFF's?! I swear I'd leave this website behind in a heartbeat. Nothing personal.

In Real People News: 

Mother of god how can this be true? A Ohio morbidly obese man had to be cut out of a chair he had been sitting in for 2 years because his skin and the fabric had fused together. Disgusting yes but it would be kind of nice not having to pick out a new outfit every day.

Staten Island, home of the St. George Theatre, birthplace of Christina Aguilera and home of this guy who smeared doodie on hi ex-girlfreind's door and set it on fire. Take a day trip and visit, won't you?

Horror Headlines: Wednesday March 23rd, 2011

Kate Bosworth, Diane Kruger, Eva Mendes and Paula Patton are all reading for parts in the upcoming remake of "Total Recall". It's like some sort of weird twisted version of "m/f/k" (Google it) except there's an extra. Let's make the fourth "take a nice afternoon stroll". Feel free to post your picks in the comments.

Tiffany Shepis as a stem cell researcher? Sure what the hell. The movie is called "The Frankenstein Syndrome" and will go directly to DVD, shocking, on July 5th for your viewing pleasure. To celebrate this wonderful announcement there's also a new trailer for your peepers to enjoy of the science gone terribly wrong flick. I have confidence in Shepis and her medical skills though. Everything should turn out fine.

Ian McShane could come to my house, make a number 2 on my kitchen table, pee in my ice box, and I'd still high five him. Because he was on "Deadwood" and called more people c-suckers then I'll meet in my lifetime. And now Ian has been added to the cast of "Jack the Giant Killer", a horror take on the classic kids story. I'm speaking of course about "Green Eggs and Ham".

For those of you who have been patiently awaiting the big screen version of "World War Z" I'm about to toss some sand in your underthings. Word around campus is the when and if the film actually gets made it'll carry a PG-13. Of course if you're 11 this might be great news. But now that I think of it, if you're 11 please don't Google the m/f/k thing. No one should learn the birds and the bees from a guy like me.

In Real People News: 

Old people, they so crazy. Here's a 92 year old woman in Florida who demanded a kiss form her 52 year old neighbor and wouldn't leave his house until she got one. So she left, went home and got a gun, and shot twice into his house. Adorable.

I'm not lawyer but if you asked me for a list of things not to bring to your DWI hearing, a beer would be in the top 5 for sure. But I do appreciate the balls of this New York man who did that. Of course if you're hammered you're probably going to get caught anyway so why not avoid all the questioning and just put it right out there.

Horror Headlines: Monday February 28th, 2011

"Rubber" has been kicking around for a while now and most recently it's gotten a dandy little TV spot. If you haven't heard about the film already all you need to know is that it's about a killer tire. Short and simple I know but I wanted to leave you enough time to ponder where the hell a TV spot for this movie would ever run.

Put it in the books kids, August 3rd, 2012 will be the day that the "Total Recall" reboot will hit theaters. Len Wiseman, who directed the "Underwold" flicks will take the lead and Mr. Colin Farrell will take the lead role. No word yet on who will be cast in the role of the 3 boobed hooker but god I can't wait to find out.

A gang load of new stills from "Paranormal Activity: Tokyo Night" have hit the tubes and from the looks of things this may not be just a bunch of security camera shots. So that might be good right? Maybe it'll be awesome! I don't know, I'm trying to stay positive people.

OMG you're not down at SXSW? Gee you totally missed this hot new alt rock grind math buzzcore band last night. I'm not even going to say the name because they're so underground you wouldn't know them. There's also a trailer for a new odd looking anthology flick titled "Little Deaths" that premiered down there. You can watch it but I bet you won't get it.

In Real People News: 

Is Brooklyn in the house?! No? Why not? Oh because someone that lives in your apartment building started screwing and lit a bunch of candles for a voodoo ceremony that eventually caused a 5 alarm fire that burned down the building? Do you think when they called 911 they said "The roof! The Roof! The Roof is on fire!". Man... Brooklyn, huh?

A trendy ice cream shop in London is now offering a new flavor called "Baby Gaga" which is made with human breast milk. You've got to imagine this was some sort of dare that started with "I bet you I can get people to eat breast milk if I gussy it up enough and call it 'gourmet'".

Horror Headlines: Wednesday June 3rd, 2009

The director of "Ultraviolet" has been tapped to write and direct the remake of "Total Recall". The film will not go back to the original source material, Phillip K. Dick's novel "We Can Remember it For You Wholesale", but will rather be a direct remake of the film.

So I'm sitting here, wondering to myself, how you call this a remake of "Scream" when in the announcement you discuss getting original actors back in their original roles. Isn't that just... you know... a sequel?

I can't possibly be the only one who's a tad uncomfortable by Elizabeth Shue's giant muscles from this paprazzi pic on the set of "Piranha 3d", could I?

The lovely Courtney Ford, who should be familiar to you from the highly recommended scifi romp "Alien Raiders", has just joined Season 4 of the hit Showtime series "Dexter". She will play "a reporter who crosses paths with our favorite forensics expert/serial killer, Dexter Morgan".

Reports are coming in that the first trailer for "The Final Destination" will be landing in some theaters this Friday. So keep your eyes peeled when you go back to see "Drag Me To Hell" for the fourth time, k?

In Real People News: 

Woman loses 95 pounds over 8 months by restricting her diet to only 13-15 Red Bull's a day, has a heart attack. Bummer, you were THIS close. Doctors also claim she went through "widthdrawals" while in the hospital, typically seen in hardcore drug addicts.

Thank God I never have to worry about having my corpse cut up so it will fit inside a coffin because I'm too tall. No, I suppose all I have to worry about is being stuffed into a box with another short person to try and save space. Ah shit, that doesn't sound very fun either.

On this day in history: 

1791: The French Assembly passes a resolution bringing decapitation to the common criminal: "Every person condemned to the death penalty shall have his head severed."

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