Three days in a row, son. And they said I'd never amount to anything. Suck it Mr. Reynolds!
NBC has landed "Lost" writer Carlton Cuse (awful name) to pen the script for their new supernatural Western show "The 6th Gun". The show is about... well it's about six guns that hold mystical powers and one of them falls into the hands of a girl and then bad stuff happens or something. I don't know, it's based on a comic, I assume there's giant boobs and other things that are sexy in comic form but only in your mom's basement.
Robert Englund and Malcolm McDowell, two guys who randomly pop up in just about every horror movie and no one has any idea why, together at last in one film. Truth be told there's a solid chance they've been in a movie together before but I have no motivation to do any research on that. The film is "Sanitarium" and it's a new anthology flick about 3 different patients in a mental hospital. It also stars Lou Diamond Phillips who I honestly believe is the nicest man ever invented. He's also La Bamba.
Speaking of people who were on one episode of the short lived "Adam's Family" TV show reboot, Keegan Connor Tracy has been confirmed to be joining the cast of "Bates Motel". The show comes from the folks over at A&E and the pale little minx will play Norman's teacher. We were talking about "The New Adams Family" right?
I loved the show "Deadwood" more than life itself and therefore anything that Ian McShane does is pure gold. You can't argue it. So his guest spot on "American Horror Story: Asylum" will be gold. The show will be gold, the episode will be gold and the tears of joy I cry as he prances across the tiny screen will be solid gold. It's going to hurt.
In Real People News:
Apparently you can use a stun gun on the pizza delivery guy no matter how funny it is. The things I learn from writing the news... it could fill a website where someone posts horror news with a couple real life news items every day.
Let this be a lesson to you all. When you're cooking your squirrel please don't use a propane torch. This guy in Michigan burned down 8 apartments. You do that crap with a trash can fire like a real hobo.
Kate Bosworth, Diane Kruger, Eva Mendes and Paula Patton are all reading for parts in the upcoming remake of "Total Recall". It's like some sort of weird twisted version of "m/f/k" (Google it) except there's an extra. Let's make the fourth "take a nice afternoon stroll". Feel free to post your picks in the comments.
Tiffany Shepis as a stem cell researcher? Sure what the hell. The movie is called "The Frankenstein Syndrome" and will go directly to DVD, shocking, on July 5th for your viewing pleasure. To celebrate this wonderful announcement there's also a new trailer for your peepers to enjoy of the science gone terribly wrong flick. I have confidence in Shepis and her medical skills though. Everything should turn out fine.
Ian McShane could come to my house, make a number 2 on my kitchen table, pee in my ice box, and I'd still high five him. Because he was on "Deadwood" and called more people c-suckers then I'll meet in my lifetime. And now Ian has been added to the cast of "Jack the Giant Killer", a horror take on the classic kids story. I'm speaking of course about "Green Eggs and Ham".
For those of you who have been patiently awaiting the big screen version of "World War Z" I'm about to toss some sand in your underthings. Word around campus is the when and if the film actually gets made it'll carry a PG-13. Of course if you're 11 this might be great news. But now that I think of it, if you're 11 please don't Google the m/f/k thing. No one should learn the birds and the bees from a guy like me.
In Real People News:
Old people, they so crazy. Here's a 92 year old woman in Florida who demanded a kiss form her 52 year old neighbor and wouldn't leave his house until she got one. So she left, went home and got a gun, and shot twice into his house. Adorable.
I'm not lawyer but if you asked me for a list of things not to bring to your DWI hearing, a beer would be in the top 5 for sure. But I do appreciate the balls of this New York man who did that. Of course if you're hammered you're probably going to get caught anyway so why not avoid all the questioning and just put it right out there.