Horror Headlines: Monday, January 9th, 2012
Do people still use the word "cherry" to describe their virginity? Ya know like, "I totally lost my cherry to Johnny by the dumpster after last week's dance"? Anyway when I was little I always thought I would lose my cherry to The Jeff Healey Band's timeless classic "Angel Eyes". For those of you not familiar with Jeff Healey he's the blind guitar player who was in "Road House". If you're not familiar with "Road House" then there isn't much I can do for you. The fact here is I was 11 and I had already picked what song I was going to lose my cherry too. Unfortunately sometimes life doesn't always go as planned. This is why I'm trying to build a time machine. So I can go back in time and have my innocence plucked to a 20 year old song sung by a dead blind man.
Apparently my opinion means nothing because the National Society of Film Critics has named Lars Von Trier's "Melancholia" as their number one film of 2011. What that actually means I couldn't tell you but "Drive Angry" is nowhere to be found on the list so I'm calling the entire thing bullshit.
I continue to cover "Underworld: Awakening" news only because Eric has now already gone on record that it will be his number 1 film for 2012. So here's a new clip from the film for Eric to enjoy. It's got Kate Beckinsale blowing some crap up and running around in a cat suit. I assume at least. I didn't really watch them. These were specifically made for Eric.
The only thing I know about "The Grey" is that Liam Neeson fights a bunch of wolves in it. I have no idea what else anyone would want to know about the movie though because that's so bad ass it makes my tummy hurt. Just look at this new poster for the film. Neeson all bad ass in the snow and crap. Does your tummy hurt? No? Well I drank some Baileys that expired 3 years ago yesterday so that might be what's doing it for me. We may never know.
If you liked "Splice" then you're not me. Which explains why you never put in any sort of effort with the news. I should stop getting pissed at you I guess. But the director of the film, Vincenzo Natali, has been tapped to direct a new film titled "Haunter". The twist here is the movie is a haunted house story, but told through the eyes of a spirit haunting the house. Did your nose just start bleeding? That's because I just blew your mind.
I'll be the first to admit I don't get art. I mean don't get me wrong I understand a painting of a house is a house. But smears and all that Andy Warhol garbage is just lost on me. For that reason I don't really go to museums. If I did I might have to do like this woman in Denver, who is now being brought up on charges for trying to pee on a $30 Million painting while she was drunk.
A Oklahoma man is in some hot water after he went into a maternity store, started trying on bras and dresses and then exposed himself to everyone. I'm so baffled by this I can't come up with something witty to say. Well done my friend.