World War Z

Behold, Your Zombie Jesus

In the face of the on-rushing zombie hoards of World War Z, one man proved that he was chosen. Touched by the grace of the Father, this ruggedly handsome hero kept his wits about him, and used an 8th grade understanding of biology to turn back the zombie threat and win World War Z for all of humanity.

Episode 254 - "World War Z"

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Or as my grandpappy called it, the war of Zombie aggression.

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Horror Headlines: Monday June 24th, 2013

This past weekend I watched "The Last Stand" and it was awesome, because Arnold Schwarzenegger, and no amount of baby making with the housekeeper can make that not a fact. And "Maggie", a new film about a young girl who gets infected by a zombie and has 6 months before she turns, will be awesome as well because Arnold has signed on to star in the film. I assume he'll be the girl's father or something. Honestly he could play the little girl and the movie would still be awesome.

Friday, October 25th is the date that you'll be able to sit down and watch NBC's "Dracula" for the very first time. It'll see a short 10 episode run before being canceled I'm assuming based on the fact that it's premiering on the night they put shows to die and If you can't guess the basic plot of the show then I want you to leave my site right now. Let's move on.

I always assume Nicolas Winding Refn is German but to be honest I have no idea where the guy is from. But despite being about vikings (I think) "Valhalla Rising" seemed very German and now he's talking about a sequel that will somehow take place in Tokyo which will also find a way to be super German. I wonder what the fog in Tokyo looks like. If you don't get that joke just trust me, it's hilarious.

Brad Pitt has dropped the news that there's a solid chance that there would be a "World War Z" sequel. The first movie, which made $66 million this past weekend, only scratches the surface of the book... so another film, and probably more could be tossed out if the price is right. I'd honestly watch 2 hours of Brad Pitt doing his taxes and love it so I'm on board.

In Real People News: 

Kickstarter has apologized for not taking down a guy's site that raised $16,000 for a book he plans to write about "getting awesome with woman". The book apparently promotes shoving woman "HARD", caveman-ing them and all kinds of other things. So ya know, people gave him money for that.

A Pennsylvanian woman recently opened up a bag of potatoes she bought at Walmart and discovered a snake was hiding out. I love potatoes. I hate snakes. Snakes ruin everything that is good in this world. I will now live the rest of my life thinking that there is a snake hiding in every box and bag that I open. Thanks for ruining Cheetos for me, snakes. You pricks.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday June 18th, 2013

Rob Zombie has gone on record that he's done with horror movies for the time being. It's on the internet, it's true. But hey that doesn't mean that he can't go around making spooky houses for us all to enjoy during Halloween time. The Great American Nightmare will take place during the month of October in LA and feature a state of the art haunted attraction along with different bands playing during the month. Want to really frighten folks? Tell em you're going to make them watch "The Devil Rejects" directors cut all night. Get it? Cause that movie is awful.

John Hurt has just been added to the cast of FX's adaptation of Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan's vampires taking over the world novel "The Strain". Hurt will play a pawn shop owner who has been hunting vampires since World War II. Sounds like he's really going to put a... HURT on those vampires huh? Man I'm good.

Oh right, Ryan Gosling is directing a travel to the underworld type flick called "How To Catch a Monster" because he thinks all the ladies out there give a crap about his art and don't just want to catch him strut around with his god damn perfect smile. Or maybe he already knows and doesn't care. In any case he's cast Iain DeCaestecker in the lead role of the project. Iain joins an already large cast that includes both Christina Hendricks and Eva Mendes. Two woman I pray never make the mistake that I care about their art.

Want to pay 50 bucks and see "World War Z" on June 19th, a few days before the film gets a wide release? No me either, and I thought the general consensus is no one wants to see the movie for any price, but I guess that doesn't matter to Regal Entertainment and the folks over at Paramount because they're offering folks a chance to do just that in selected cities. I don't know who the hell would possibly do that but if you're thinking about it please shoot me an email first because I'll read you the book over the phone for only 40 bucks.

In Real People News: 

A Florida man stabbed his brother after an argument over some mac and cheese. Florida.

I think this kind of crap only happened in the 20's but a Florida woman is under arrested after she threw acid in the face of her boyfriend after she showed up to his house drunk and refused to leave. Didn't that do that in the 20's? Seems like something they'd do. "Gangster Squad" was a bad movie.

World War Z - The Next Big Movie Flop?

Most anyone who's read Max Brooks' 2006 apocalyptic novel "World War Z" has been excited since hearing that it's being adapted for the big screen. Despite a complete oversaturation of Zombies in the last few years (I'll still take that over sparkling Vampires), fans seemed relieved to hear the movie would stay pure as possible to the book, was supported by an all-star cast and a hefty Hollywood budget and would be produced by none-other than the movie's leading character, Brad Pitt. However one thing we all know is that any movie can fail - and if the rumors are true, World War Z might be a full on, 50 foot free-fall belly flop onto wet pavement.

According to the project's screenwriter, Damon Lindelof in the June Issue of Vanity Fair, the project has hit disastrous proportions, including being over-budget by 50 million, troubles with inexperienced director Marc Forester, last minute re-writes, and incoherent storylines. We're not just talking minor script changes either - it was realized after filming was finished, that the entire 40 minute ending was "abrupt and incoherent".

Trailer: "World War Z" Is Still Happen? Egg On My Face.

I had pretty much lost track of “World War Z”, the big screen adaptation of Max Brooks’ 2006 zombies take over the world novel but I was 75% sure the filming site had blown up, Brad Pitt had walked off the set and the 14th director got run over by a car. Turns out I’m wrong because today there’s a trailer for the flick and much to my surprise it looks pretty sweet, despite not really showing much in the way of zombies. Let’s be honest though, 2 hours of Brad Pitt doing his taxes would look pretty sweet. The guy lights up the screen, that’s all I’m saying.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, August 16th, 2012

blah blah new horror TV series blah blah. This one is going to be on Starz though, so there might be some actual gore showing up here. It's called "Da Vinci's Demons" and it focuses on the code maker himself and his struggle with good and evil. Oh and he's a genius. And oh this doesn't sound like it's going to be bloody at all. Michael J. Bassett of "Silent Hill: Revelation" fame(?) will direct.

I don't even know what this means anymore but there's been so much crap around the "World War Z" movie that I thought I should mention it. Apparently the rough cut of the film is clocking in at only 52 minutes long. Alright I kind of know what that means. It means there was only 52 minutes of usable footage after what I think has been about 7 years of filming. There's apparently only 7 weeks left so I assume they're just going to set up a camera in Brad Pitt's shower and tack on 45 minutes of him using a loofah to the project. I'll watch it.

Call me crazy but I actually want to see "Jurassic Park" in 3D when it's thrust back into theaters. Go ahead, call me crazy! Well it looks like my wait won't be as long as originally planned because the re-release has been pushed up 3 months to April 5, 2013. I think if I keep hoping enough they'll push it up to this weekend and then I can go right now. Do it. Come on movie people do this one thing for me!

Alexander Skarsgard trapped in a bomb shelter. Sounds dreamy doesn't it? The film is called "Hidden" and it has officially begun production in Vancouver. The film is about a family who spends 301 days down in a bomb shelter while the world above goes to hell. I've had dreams that start like this.

In Real People News: 

And the "yo mama" jokes have finally gone too far for one man. So far that he actually attacked his own son with a knife. Finally someone is taking a stand.

Here's a heartwarming story about a woman in Maine who beat that crap out of another woman at a local Walmart because she caught her husband flirtin it up with her. I'm not even kidding here I've seen at least 2 fist-fights in the past 3 years at my local Walmart. It's better than any pay-per-view.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012

The Holiday's are over, my friends. Now there is nothing but cold and misery to look forward to for the next 3 months. Sure you've got your New Years resolution, but you probably broke that already. I for one have opted to make mine somewhat reasonable. My promise to you is I will gain 15 pounds by 2013. I should have set it higher to be honest, I think I'm already up 7 from this past Sunday. Wish me luck.

Did you know that Tom Sizemore is still alive? I know I was surprised too, but there he is, popping up in the new trailer for "Human Factor", a new film about two investigators trying to find the reason for a mass disappearance of homeless people. Well alright his name is in the trailer, you don't actually see him. But I have to assume he pops up somewhere. I can't imagine they dug up his corpse or anything.

I have no idea what "Jessa Kill" is about but I'm 99% sure it stars a porn star, or would be porn star, as a some kind ninja cheerleader who kills zombies. It's a web series, I know that much. The porn star thing is what really got me hooked though. Episode 1 recently launched and it kind of made me feel all squishy inside. Ya know what I mean? Me either.

Marco Beltrami, an Oscar nominated composer who has a name that makes me question my sexuality, has been hand picked by the gods to compose the score for the upcoming big screen adaptation of "World War Z". For those of you not in the know that book revolves around a UN employee who races around the world trying to stop the zombie apocalypse. Beltrami... just say it out loud.

Yesterday I guess there was news that "Piranha 3DD" would be going direct to DVD over in the UK. I was sleeping most of the day so I missed this. But today it looks like that news was horse doodie anyway so crisis averted. This morning was a real roller coaster ride of emotions for me.

In Real People News: 

Pit bulls are adorable and all but make no mistake once they get a taste for blood they will destroy any human they come in contact with. For instance this jogger in Chicago who was attacked for 45 minutes by a blood thirsty duo. 45 minutes... Doing anything for 45 minutes is miserable, especially getting your ass bit by two dogs.

And because you want the holidays to last just a little longer, here's a video of Steven Tyler, Alice Cooper and Weird Al singing "Come Together" on New Years Eve. You're welcome.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday November 1st, 2011

I can't really keep up with what movies are actually filming right now and which ones are riddled with production issues. It's not like I write about this crap every day or something. But it looks like "World War Z" is in fact full steam ahead. Proof of this can be found in the boat load of new on set videos that have hit the tubes showing all kinds of zombie action in the outbreak flick. Check em out because Star A walks off the set because Star B screwed his girlfriend in the trailers during lunch break.

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the first poster for "Seven Below". A group of people trapped in a haunted house during a freak storm sounds like the thing Hollywood dreams are made of. But the kicker? The film stars Val Kilmer and Ving Rhames. Double V! Not going to lie I've had terrible nightmares that involved being trapped in a house with Val Kilmer. There wasn't any ghosts though. it was just him drinking JD and screaming "I was Batman god damn it.... BATMAN!"

David Cronenberg makes movies people like so it only stands to reason that his son, Brandon would too. That's just logic, folks. So young master Brandon will be taking on "Antiviral", a odd story that revolves around a clinic that has begun replicating celebrity diseases and the salesmen who becomes obsessed with one particular strain. A story we can all relate to.

So they're going to make a couple more "Cabin Fever" movies. "Cabin Fever: Patient Zero" and "Cabin Fever: Outbreak" are both set to begin filming in the Dominican Republic sometime next year, one taking place on a boat and the other on a Caribbean island. I'd like to speak directly to the fine people of the Dominican Republic now. I visited your fine country a few years back while I was on my Honeymoon and during my 35 minute taxi ride to the enclosed resort my wife and I were staying at I couldn't help but notice your numerous armed service men wandering the dirt roads. I'll let you fill in the rest.

In Real People News: 

I'm sorry I thought paying your monthly membership at a gym meant you had the right to go ape shit and take things to the extreme. Apparently I was wrong because this Upstate NY man simply punched a guy in the face, flipped over some equipment and destroyed a display case and the cops decided to taser the shit out him. And by taser the shit out of I mean they killed him. To the extreme.

Three Polish police commandos are being forced to leave their jobs after they took a side gig protecting Paris Hilton during her recent visit to my mother land. Apparently it's a big no no to do side work without permission but I'm thinking the underlying issue here is all that night vision crap that was in her porn video. "Vy culdn't she... duuuh... turn on zi light.... duuuhhh. You fired duuuh." It's cool I'm half Polish, I can make fun of my own people.

Horror Headlines: Monday, August 29th, 2011

Remember when Lars von Trier was just a guy who directed movies where people got bashed in the genitals with a ball-peen hammer? Now he's gone all Anti-Semite. I have absolutely no idea what that has to do with the new UK trailer for his film "Melancholia" but I thought it was a clever intro to the news. I thought wrong didn't I.

Remember the US remake of "Ju-on" AKA "The Grudge" a few years back with that broad from Buffy? No? It doesn't matter because they're making another one. For those of you not familiar with the film it focuses on a house that is all haunted and spooky and eff's with anyone who enters it. I can't imagine this one will be good either but I think 1 or 2 more versions of it and they'll really have something decent going on.

Who doesn't have a crush on Brad Pitt? No one. No one that's who! If you say you don't have a crush on Brad Pitt then you are a god damn liar. Anyway here's a bunch of stills from Sir Sexy battling Zombies on the set of "World War Z". I like it because I can be all, "Oh hey I love Zombie movies. Wait is that Brad Pitt? Well sure I'll watch this I guess. I mean I love zombies movies and stuff. Jeez it's not like I have crush on Brad Pitt or something. Get off my back!"

It looks like "Hatchet 3" has a director but it also looks like creator Adam Green is playing coy with details on who it is. Because ya know, everyone's chomping at the bit to know who's going to be taking the lead on "Hatchet 3". Just the other day I was on the bus and this young child was asking her mother, "Mommy, when will we know who is directing 'Hatchet 3?'' And then the young mother burst into tears because she didn't know. It was heartbreaking. I think at this point it's pretty obvious that I'm drunk.

In Real People News: 

You know how it goes. You break into one house and take a pair of ladies underthings and the next thing you know your father is calling the cops on you because he's discovered a duffel bag full of 66 pairs of women's panties. All kidding aside, who else is uncomfortable with my using the word "panties" in a post? I know I am.

"A" for effort to this guy who crashed a stolen semi truck into a porn shop and ran off with $800 worth of goods. "F" for not getting away with it though. Who pays for porn anymore? Even the library has the internet these days.

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