Blake Masters, which sounds like a porn name, has been picked up by Paramount to pen the script for their upcoming big screen adaptation of "Insurrection". The film will focus on a clone who decides to stand up to the corporation who created him and sent his fellow remakes to battle for them. In case you're wondering my porn name would be Jack Hammer.
I've kind of had my eye on the "Silent Night, Deadly Night" remake, simply titled "Silent Night" because I think remakes of horror flicks that were never that good to begin with can be just fine. This one also has Malcolm McDowell in it so it can't be that bad, right? Well we'll all get to find out on November 30th, which just so happens to be the DVD release date the film has been slapped with. It's creepy to hear me say I have my eye on something right? I'm not going to be offended if you tell me you're a little uncomfortable.
I love the "Friday the 13th" franchise just as much as the next guy but at this point I've shelled out enough money for DVD and VHS versions of the films that I kind of feel like Jason should come to my house and cook me dinner. But now that Warner Brothers has acquired the fights to the films it looks like there may be updated Blu-Ray versions of 1 - 8 in the series so I may have to throw down some more cash. If you remember a few years back the flicks did hit Blu-Ray but in a crappy no new features pretty much DVD quality version which made me want to punch things. You probably didn't know the punch things stuff. I mean unless you can read my mind that is. God I hope you can't read my mind.
Jillian Murray of "The Graves" and "Wild Things: Foursome" fame has been added to the cast of "Cabin Fever: Patient Zero", a film I had forgotten was going to be made. This time around we find ourselves with a party cruise that runs ashore on a medical center where a deadly virus has broken out. I'll just say it now... If the film doesn't cast anyone from "Boy Meets World" I'm not watching it. You've been warned.
In Real People News:
A Minnesota woman didn't even bother trying to prove her lover was not being faithful and just went ahead and tried to cut his head off after she wasn't satisfied with his proclamation of love. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut.
A New Jersey mother is in big trouble after she boarded her 9 year old daughter's school bus and slapped the young lass's bully silly. I pray this was caught on camera for next season of Real Housewives. It sounds like such a Teresa thing to do.
Oh hey everybody, the site's back! Sorry for the short absence, I promise it will never happen again. If it does, blame Mark (always blame Mark). By next week your news-writer Joe should be settled in his new place of residence, and will hopefully be returning to his duties here on the site. While we get back up to speed, make sure you're caught up on all the new podcasts we've been putting out lately.
Lots of headlines today screaming "Watch Audience Reaction for Paranormal Activity 4!". Put that through an honesty filter and it comes out as "Paramount wants you to believe this is still an 'indie' series and we're going along with them". So, all is normal in the genre press.
Daniel Knauf, the guy behind the HBO series "Carnivale", has hopped on board NBC's upcoming "Dracula" miniseries as writer and show-runner. I have not seen any episodes of "Carnivale" and will not watch a Dracula miniseries on NBC. So, not sure what we're doing here.
I can't really keep up with what movies are actually filming right now and which ones are riddled with production issues. It's not like I write about this crap every day or something. But it looks like "World War Z" is in fact full steam ahead. Proof of this can be found in the boat load of new on set videos that have hit the tubes showing all kinds of zombie action in the outbreak flick. Check em out because Star A walks off the set because Star B screwed his girlfriend in the trailers during lunch break.
Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the first poster for "Seven Below". A group of people trapped in a haunted house during a freak storm sounds like the thing Hollywood dreams are made of. But the kicker? The film stars Val Kilmer and Ving Rhames. Double V! Not going to lie I've had terrible nightmares that involved being trapped in a house with Val Kilmer. There wasn't any ghosts though. it was just him drinking JD and screaming "I was Batman god damn it.... BATMAN!"
David Cronenberg makes movies people like so it only stands to reason that his son, Brandon would too. That's just logic, folks. So young master Brandon will be taking on "Antiviral", a odd story that revolves around a clinic that has begun replicating celebrity diseases and the salesmen who becomes obsessed with one particular strain. A story we can all relate to.
So they're going to make a couple more "Cabin Fever" movies. "Cabin Fever: Patient Zero" and "Cabin Fever: Outbreak" are both set to begin filming in the Dominican Republic sometime next year, one taking place on a boat and the other on a Caribbean island. I'd like to speak directly to the fine people of the Dominican Republic now. I visited your fine country a few years back while I was on my Honeymoon and during my 35 minute taxi ride to the enclosed resort my wife and I were staying at I couldn't help but notice your numerous armed service men wandering the dirt roads. I'll let you fill in the rest.
In Real People News:
I'm sorry I thought paying your monthly membership at a gym meant you had the right to go ape shit and take things to the extreme. Apparently I was wrong because this Upstate NY man simply punched a guy in the face, flipped over some equipment and destroyed a display case and the cops decided to taser the shit out him. And by taser the shit out of I mean they killed him. To the extreme.
Three Polish police commandos are being forced to leave their jobs after they took a side gig protecting Paris Hilton during her recent visit to my mother land. Apparently it's a big no no to do side work without permission but I'm thinking the underlying issue here is all that night vision crap that was in her porn video. "Vy culdn't she... duuuh... turn on zi light.... duuuhhh. You fired duuuh." It's cool I'm half Polish, I can make fun of my own people.