silent night

Horror Headlines: Tuesday October 23rd, 2012

Blake Masters, which sounds like a porn name, has been picked up by Paramount to pen the script for their upcoming big screen adaptation of "Insurrection". The film will focus on a clone who decides to stand up to the corporation who created him and sent his fellow remakes to battle for them. In case you're wondering my porn name would be Jack Hammer.

I've kind of had my eye on the "Silent Night, Deadly Night" remake, simply titled "Silent Night" because I think remakes of horror flicks that were never that good to begin with can be just fine. This one also has Malcolm McDowell in it so it can't be that bad, right? Well we'll all get to find out on November 30th, which just so happens to be the DVD release date the film has been slapped with. It's creepy to hear me say I have my eye on something right? I'm not going to be offended if you tell me you're a little uncomfortable.

I love the "Friday the 13th" franchise just as much as the next guy but at this point I've shelled out enough money for DVD and VHS versions of the films that I kind of feel like Jason should come to my house and cook me dinner. But now that Warner Brothers has acquired the fights to the films it looks like there may be updated Blu-Ray versions of 1 - 8 in the series so I may have to throw down some more cash. If you remember a few years back the flicks did hit Blu-Ray but in a crappy no new features pretty much DVD quality version which made me want to punch things. You probably didn't know the punch things stuff. I mean unless you can read my mind that is. God I hope you can't read my mind.

Jillian Murray of "The Graves" and "Wild Things: Foursome" fame has been added to the cast of "Cabin Fever: Patient Zero", a film I had forgotten was going to be made. This time around we find ourselves with a party cruise that runs ashore on a medical center where a deadly virus has broken out. I'll just say it now... If the film doesn't cast anyone from "Boy Meets World" I'm not watching it. You've been warned.

In Real People News: 

A Minnesota woman didn't even bother trying to prove her lover was not being faithful and just went ahead and tried to cut his head off after she wasn't satisfied with his proclamation of love. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut.

A New Jersey mother is in big trouble after she boarded her 9 year old daughter's school bus and slapped the young lass's bully silly. I pray this was caught on camera for next season of Real Housewives. It sounds like such a Teresa thing to do.

Snapshot: "Silent Night" (2012)

In what is being described as a loose remake of the 1984 horror classic "Silent Night, Deadly Night", director Steven C. Miller brings us "Silent Night", starring Malcolm McDowell, Jaime King, Donal Logue, and Jamie Kennedy. If you're unfamiliar with the storyline, the film takes place around a small towns annual Santa Parade, which has brought record numbers of the jolly fat man to town.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, May 2nd, 2011

Just for this week lets not call today "Hump Day". Let's call it "Turkish Piledriver" day. Trust me it's better.

Much to my surprise Cortney Palm is not the name of a porn star but apparently an actual actress who has done actual movies. She's been confirmed for the cast of the upcoming "Silent Night" remake. The killer Santa flick already has Jaime King, Malcolm McDowell and Jamie Kennedy on board so things are shaping up nicely. Seriously, last name Palm? That's fake, right?

"The Dead" is so hot with the kids right now and it looks like the cult hit has already scored itself a sequel Well alright it's not official yet. But there's a script. And everyone wants to make it. And they're going to make it. But it's not official.

If you're like me then you loved the show "Chuck" but lost interest around the second to last season and then saw that the show was ending and said things like "I should really catch up on that" and you never did. I'm sure there's a lot of you out there. So like me you're probably mildly happy to see Vik Sahay from the show joining the cast of the upcoming werewolf romp "Wer". Not happy about the movie or anything. Just happy to see the guy getting some work.

So Universal is going to remake "Van Helsing" with Tom Cruise? Because Hugh Jackman isn't.... well you know the rumors right? I mean about both of them. Not together or anything. Just in general. I mean all the Broadway crap. I don't know. You didn't hear it from me.

In Real People News: 

Making a sex tape with a 16 year old is awful. Making a sex tape with your biological son is also awful. Making a sex tape with your 16 year old biological son is something worse than awful but I can't think of any other words.

A 28 year old woman is under arrest after she cut off a man's genitals before stabbing him to death. Because stabbing someone to death isn't good enough. Ya got to cut some balls before ya stab!

Horror Headlines: Thursday, April 19th, 2011

Jamie King kind of looks like a grown up Emma Stone yet for some strange reason I don't dislike her. I don't care how long ago that "Superbad" movie came out I will hate everyone who was in it till the day I die. I'm telling you all this because King has been confirmed to be joining the cast of the upcoming "Silent Night" remake. I have no problem with that either. So just to keep track I dislike everyone from "Superbad", have no problem with King or the remake, and the news is still very much incoherent.

Rupert Wyatt, the cat that brought us "Rise of the Planet Of the Apes" is teaming up with Charlize Theron for a new sci-fi flick titled "Agent 13". The plot of the film is currently under wraps but I can tell you that I dislike every person in this post. I mean I use to like Charlize Theron but then I saw her on Letterman and it turns out she's really annoying and kind of a prick. So now I don't. I've said too much now.

Well suck me dry and call me dusty because it looks like "Silent Hill: Revelation 3D" is getting a wide theatrical release on October 26, 2012 thanks (?) to the good people at Open Road Films. I've never seen the first "Silent Hill" movie so I have no opinion on it. Let's just say I dislike it though for consistency.

Because there isn't enough sex appeal in today's news here's the trailer for "Robin Hood - Ghosts of Sherwood 3D" which stars Kane Hodder and Tom Savini. Try to guess which one plays Robin Hood. Just try. Here's a hint, he should have done the role in a speedo. Tick tock mutha trucka.

In Real People News: 

Wait it's illegal to spray paint a dog's face now? Man what fun CAN you have these days?

Yup, it's a story about a man who attacked his wife with a box of Cheez-It crackers and yup it happened in Florida. I know I've used this joke before. It's still funny.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (REVIEW)

Nothing violently screams "Merry Christmas" quite like a good, old-fashioned senseless bloodletting. Nevermind the twinkling lights, the blankets of snow, and the Yuletide spirit -- if a half-naked teenage girl isn't getting graphically impaled upon the antlers of an enormous mounted deer head, then there's a very strong possibility that my holiday cheer will be less than spectacular. Your family traditions may vary slightly from my own, but I think the sentiment remains the same.

Around the Web

Syndicate content

What's New?

This week we discuss alchemy, camera technology, a first time guest host joins the show, and we review "As Above, So Below".  

Podcast

Latest Reviews

Search

Around The Web