2012 saw a pretty hefty spike in exorcism films but there was something all of them were missing, Danny Trejo. The film is "The Cloth" and Trejo plays a priest that battles the forces of evil. Surprisingly the film won't be seeing a theater run but will be hitting DVD shelves on July 2nd. Which is apparently today so ya know. Go watch it or something.
Mare Winningham, who was in "Turner & Hooch " and that's all you need to know, has signed on for guest role on CBS' "Under the Dome". She'll play a caretaker who isn't what she's cracked up to be in the CBS series based on the Stephen King novel. I honestly don't remember what role she played in "Turner & Hooch" but man that was a great movie. She can't be bad can she?
Sunday nights season 8 premiere of "Dexter" on Showtime scored big ratings and now you can check out the episode on Youtube for free. For those of you not in the know this will be the last season of "Dexter" and Showtime is going all out to get folks onboard. Here's an idea on how to make people watch the show, cut the sexual tension between the bother and sister. I know I'd feel a lot more comfortable then. I don't care who's adopted it's creepy.
If you're looking for exciting behind the scenes shots from the set of "The Walking Dead" season 4 than you're in luck because AMC will be running a marathon of the series starting on July 4th sprinkled with set visits from Mr. Kevin Smith. I can't imagine what you're going to get about the upcoming season but I assume there will be some detailed reports on the Kraft services table. I'm sorry. It's all I got.
Getting caught by a cop having sex in public is embarrassing. Getting caught by 25 cops having sex in public is super embarrassing. Getting caught by 25 cops while you're having sex with a potato in public is just the kind of crap that happens every day in Pennsylvania.
It's a known fact that anytime Danny Trejo makes out with a girl half his age an angel gets its wings. So good news for all the flightless people in the big upstairs because "Machete Kills" has finally been slapped with a September 13, 2013 release date. Watching him make out is without a doubt one of the most upsetting and inspiring things the human eye can see.
If there's one thing we can all agree on it's that the original "The Crazies" was awful and the 2010 remake was awesome. There is not a single person on this planet who can argue that. Well the guy who co-wrote the retelling, Ray Wright, has just signed on the pen the script to "The Widow". The film follows a younger woman who befriends a older widow only to find that their meeting was not a coincidence. Sounds frighting already. Old people you know. You can see their veins.
The US remake of the Chilean flick "Hidden In the Woods" has landed itself one half of the Babysitter Twins duo in the form of Electra Avellan. No word on if her sister will join the cast but the a story of two sisters fighting to escape the prison like environment they've been raised in, so I mean they need a sister right? If not I hope they got the one with the least unintelligible accent.
Youngster Colin Ford has been added to the cast of "Under the Dome", a Stephen King and Steven Spielberg collaboration currently set for a 13 episode run on CBS starting this June. Based on King's novel the series is set in a small town whose residents discover they've been trapped by a mysterious barrier. I hope there's a Taco Bell in the town. I mean no tacos? I'd be all like, "you gotta get this barrier to go away. I need tacos!"
In Real People News:
I have no idea how this happens but a woman in Sweden figured out a way to crash a train into a house. You almost have to be impressed with that kind of thing. Almost.
If you lost a shipment of 18 human heads recently I've got some good news. They've turned up at Chicago's O'Hare International Airport and can be picked up at your earliest convince. You're welcome.
Wes Bentley, the weird guy from "American Beauty" and Francesca Eastwood, the weird girl from Clint Eastwood's loins have both been added to the cast of "Final Girl" a new revenge flick about a girl who flips the script on a group of high school guys who hunt and kill girls. Is this what kids do these days? Doesn't anyone just smoke pot in the woods anymore?
Danny Trejo in a movie called "Zombie Hunter"... oh god it's finally happening. You shouldn't need to know the plot to be excited but in case you do I'll just tell you that Trejo plays a priest named Jesus who finds himself in the middle of a zombie apocolypse thanks to a new drink that's hit the streets. And I know what your wondering and I can tell you that yes there is a clown with a chainsaw.
So there's a "The Walking Dead" magazine now? Sounds interesting but between my subscription to Tiger Beat and 17 my monthly magazine reading plate is completely full. The rest of you in the US can pick up a copy at your local news stands now, the UK on November 8 and Australia and New Zealand on December 18. Apparently no other countries matter.
With a feature film in the works based on the West Memphis 3 it stands to reason that there should be a TV series based on Joe Berlinger, the director of "Paradise Lost", a documentary based on the arrest and trial of 3 teenagers convicted of murder. The show has been picked up by Fox and is being lead by Margaret Nagle, the writer/producer of HBO's "Boardwalk Empire". As long as Henry Rollins isn't added to the cast I'm game.
There's a new trailer for the "Total Recall" remake out but that's not the big news here. The big news is that in the trailer we have 100% confirmation that there's a 3 boobied hooker. I know, I can barely type I'm so excited. This might be the greatest day in the history of the world.
There can only be one "Highlander"! Well actually there can be multiple. There was for sure a sequel and now there's a remake of the 1986 cult classic that I've never seen. But I might see the remake, because Ryan Reynolds has been confirmed to be taking the lead in the film. I'm not going to go into why I will see it now because of him. I don't have to explain myself to you.
Sing this with me. I... like... movies with Danny Trejo. Charlie Sheen playing the president. And.. AND... TWINS! Remember those commercials?! Well I do and I'm talking about Elise and Electra Avellan being added to the cast of "Machete Kills". For those of you who don't follow the work of Robert Rodriguez the Avellan twins were those two girls from "Planet Terror" and the original "Machete" flick. Your move, 3 boobied alien.
For those of you who have been waiting with baited breath for the new "Carrie" remake I have the honor or breaking the news to you that production has officially begun in Toronto. For those of you who love freedom and hate maple syrup I have to misfortune of telling you that the "Carrie" remake has begun production in Toronto.
Chances are most of you have checked out already for the long weekend so I kind of feel like I can say anything I want in the news today and no one will notice. Even if you actually showed up to work and are looking at this copy you're not really reading it. You're thinking of dry humping your best gal on the beach somewhere or whatever the hell it is you'll be doing this weekend. So here it goes... I've never understood why people like "Lord Of the Rings" and I've never found Angelina Jolie attractive. Alright let's do this.
The Spy Kid himself Mason Cook has signed on to play the role of young Eddie Munster in NBC's new series "Mockingbird Lane". For those of you not familiar with the show "Mockingbird Lane" is an updated and much darker retelling of the classic sitcom "The Munsters". One time when I was in middle school I tried to make it with a butter churn.
New Jersey's own Zoe Saldana has been added to the cast of "Machete Kills" and Danny Trejo himself has confirmed that he gets to put his mouth on her. How's that for news? I watched 3 seasons of "Glee" before I realized it was awful.
If there's one complaint I always hear about the classic film "The Exorcist" it's that the film is just too darn scary and needs to be watered down. Well good news for all those who hate awesome things the flick is being remade and for television. The show will be a ten part series and in all fairness with "Martha Marcy May Marlene" director Sean Durkin onboard I don't hate this idea as much as I thought I would. I illegally downloaded 3 Linkin Park songs that I have on my iPod when I run.
Derek Mears, who's been in every horror movie made in the last 15 years, only covered in make up... and Caroline Williams, who played Stretch in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2", have been added to the cast of the much anticipated "Hatchet 3". My first time was with a girl I met on the internet and never spoke to again after that night.
Tomorrow is St Patrick's Day and while I'm not Irish I do love an excuse to get drunk. Really I don't need an excuse but it's always awesome to have one so you don't feel like an alcoholic. I also love any reason to get a Carvel cake. Especially a Cookie O' Puss. Again I don't really need an excuse to eat a entire ice cream cake by myself but it's nice to have one.
The smarty pants folks at Universal have decided to push up the release date for "Oblivion" to April 23rd 2013 from it's original release date of July 10th. The movie stars Tom Cruise as soldier who's court marshaled and shipped off to a deserted planet only to find he isn't alone. I think I'd move to another planet too if I was promised I'd be alone with Tom Cruise. Not for the reason you're thinking, sicko! It's so I can have sex with him.
The only thing worse than beating a dead horse is beating a dead vampire. I don't think that makes any sense. But my point here is that Alcon Entertainment has tapped Brian Dannelly to direct their new vampire comedy "Suckers". I'm not going to bother explaining the plot because you can probably guess it. but Dannelly has directed episodes of "Weeds", "The United States of Tara" and "Pushing Daisies" so it might not be too shabby. But I'm a glass half full kind of guy.
You tell me Danny Trejo, Anthony Michael Hall and Mickey Rourke are going to be in a movie and I listen my friends. The movie is called "Dead In Tombstone" and apparently Trejo comes back from the dead to bring the hammer down on his half brother after being double crossed in a mine robbery. This might be the most perfect movie ever made. Minus Mickey Rourke actually. That guy creeps the hell out of me.
People are going to throw a fit but honestly Lionsgate teaming up with WWE to remake "Leprechaun" might be amazing. There's no script, no cast, and no real other news but what the hell can go wrong. And while we're at it I think Jennifer Aniston is delightful. There, I said it.
In Real People News:
I have no idea what the rules are when going into prison, thank god, but I'm pretty sure you don't have to smuggle lip balm inside by shoving it up your ass. Honestly this all sounds like someone was just looking to have a cavity search for fun and just shoved the first thing he found up there.
Let this be a lesson to your kids out there. If you lie about having cancer and raise money for your treatment the state of Virginia will come down on your hate. Like 100$ fine hard. So you know. Maybe consider not doing it.
No surprise here but it's still exciting news. Robert Rodriguez has officially begun pre-production for "Machete Kills", the follow up to 2010's Danny Trejo super joint. This time around our hero finds himself hired by the US government to take down a duo hell bent on unleashing war on the world. I bet he does a lot of chicks too. That seams to be his M.O.. Killing and doing chicks. God he's so great.
I'm sorry to be the one to break this terrible news to you but it looks like "Army Of the Dead", the follow up to 2004's "Dawn Of the Dead" remake, might be dead. I know, I'm still in shock, too. According to director Matthijs van Heijningen Jr has said that he doesn't think the movie is going to move forward due to expensive filming costs. Apparently the movie was suppose to take place in Las Vegas. Let's just try to be strong for each other.
It looks like Dolph Lundgren has been confirmed to be taking the lead role in "Battle Of the Damned" a new survival flick that has Lundgren battles both zombies and robots. I know this sounds like the greatest movie ever made. No details on a release date yet but I assume there's going to be some kind of giant Hollywood premiere in the near future. I can't wait for the red carpet coverage.
It looks like "The Evil Dead" reboot once again has a leading lady. Jane Levy, who is just adorable on the new show "Suburgatory" has taken the lead role in the film, an Ash like character who unleashes the evil power of The Book Of The Dead onto the world. I, for one, welcome our new Ash overlord and look forward to seeing what she does with the character. Just adorable.
Earlier today my wife sent me a photo of Danny Trejo hanging out with Rihanna and now I stumble upon the new video for Maylene and the Sons of Disaster's song "Open your Eyes" which just so happens to star Mr. Trejo as well. I think it's safe to say that our favorite mustached Mexican is officially Hollywood's new "it" boy. Or something. I don't know, in the video below he plays a creepy guy who kidnaps women. Just like Brad Pitt use to.