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Horror Headlines: Thursday September 5th, 2013

Natalie Brown, who I'm sure you all remember from "How to Lose a Guy In 10 Days", is the latest name to be added to the upcoming FX series "The Strain". For those of you who don't read my news every other week when I post it, "The Strain" is based on the Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan's novels about a group of survivors trying to take back control after vampires have taken over the world. Want to know how it ends? I read it. The point here is I know how to read.

I like to watch "Mad Men" because I work in advertising and it's fun to see what people think I do even though the show is set 30 years ago and everyone is kind of miserable. I'm telling you this because Jared Harris, from the show, has now been cast in the lead role of the upcoming "Poltergeist" remake. I'm also telling you this because I haven't written the news in over a week and my clever segway skills are pretty rusty.

Did you know that SyFy was looking to move forward with a series based on the 1995 film "12 Monkeys"? Me either! Did you know that the film's director Terry Gilliam thinks this is a "very dumb idea"? Yeah I probably could've guessed that too.

I had completely forgotten about "Mad Max: Fury Road". I guess it wrapped filming back in December and now it looks like there's going to be three weeks of additional footage tacked on in November to complete the movie. No real word on what the additional filming is for but I'm willing to bet it's just to get some move vacation time down in Australia. Those freakin criminals sure know how to party.

In Real People News: 

22 year old woman tries to run onto the field at an University of Iowa football game. Woman gets arrested after blowing a .341 BAC. Woman tweets about it with the tag #yolo. Woman becomes the first official Mrs. Bloody Good Horror.

Where do you hide 5 grand that you've stolen from your boyfriend? In your ass of course. How do you get said money out of your ass? Not with a toilet brush apparently. That gets you a one way ticket to the hospital.

Horror Headlines: Thursday April 11th, 2013

No surprise here, Yvonne Strahovski will reprise her role as the flower sniffing killer tart in the 8th season of "Dexter", which is set to premier on June 30th. I would of liked a surprise to be honest. Like maybe they replace her with that guy from "Chuck," but don't say anything about it. All of the sudden Dexter is banging the guy from "Chuck". Boom, surprise.

When you think Jamie Foxx you think horror. It's a fact. That's why he's going to be bringing a yet to be named anthology series to Syfy in the near future. Foxx will apparently write, produce, and direct the series and possible make a few guest appearances. If he was only a hansom debonair gentleman I'd be inclined to call Mr. Foxx the full package. Oh wait. He is. Wink wink, boys.

I feel like you don't hear much about "The Bermuda Triangle" anymore. In the 80's you couldn't spit without hitting a TV special on the mystical location, but it's been years since Geraldo even mentioned the place. But now Warner Bros. has picked up the rights to a new film focusing on the location for your to polish your mustache to. No real details have been released on the flick, but if I was a betting man I'd say a boat or a plane gets lost and then stuff happens. Just guessing here though.

"Insidious: Chapter 2" has been given a September 13th release date of this very year. Get it? That's Friday the 13th. Cause the movie is spooky and Friday the 13th is a spooky day. Spooky things.

In Real People News: 

A California man is under arrest after he stole a tractor truck and crashed it on a local highway. The reason he stole it you might ask? Well he thought he was being chased by zombies and the apocalypse had started. Yeah, he was high. Who would of thunk it?

A Indianapolis man is claiming a local dentist pulled all of his teeth out when he went in to only have three removed. I mean it's not a claim. It did happen. He just claims he didn't want all of his teeth pulled. Which honestly sounds pretty believable. Why would someone want every tooth pulled? Maybe if they were getting one of those cool gold grills? Alright case closed. This guy wanted to be pimp.

Horror Headlines: Friday, August 3rd, 2012

Alright I get it. It's annoying when people post pictures of their kids constantly on Facebook. Ya know what else is annoying? You crying about it in between posting pictures of your stupid cat, annoying political views or random picture of the hot dog you ate for lunch. You became friends with these people on Facebook so don't get pissy when some of them grow up, get married and start a family while you're still sitting in your living room making hair dolls and dressing your dog up like one of the Power Rangers.

I love me some "Robocop" remake updates. You know this about me. I've said it countless times. Need proof? Gaze upon my rock hard nipples while I tell you that Jennifer Ehle, who was in "Contagion", has signed on to join the cast. She'll play someone named 'Liz Kline'. I don't remember who that is from the original. But you're not thinking about that anyway are you. You're thinking you want to see me cut glass with these puppies. Well keep waiting.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. 13 years ago M. Night Shyamalan was our love child and today we get news that he's working with Syfy on a new pilot titled "Proof". "Proof" will focus on a young man who offers money to anyone who can prove there's life after death when his parents die tragically. I can only hope Tiffany will pop up in the cast somewhere.

Little known fact, I am not the German kid in that popular internet video where the kid freaks the F out while playing "World of Warcraft". I know it's an honest mistake, I get it all the time. I've never actually played the game but apparently people go nuts for it but the obvious big screen version has been riddled with problems. Well today's there's some good news for the project in the form of Charles Leavitt being tapped to write the script. I think that's good news. I mean he wrote "Blood Diamond". You basement dwelling virgins should be pumped he'd touch your silly game.

At this point I'm at a loss as to who looks at Brendan Fraser and says "Yeah, get that guy in my movie" but yet again he's been cast. This time in "Split Decision", a new film about two children being hunted by a couple murderers after they accidentally witness the killing. Fraser will play the father who tries to save them. Alright I can't even lie, I find the guy charming as crap. Did you see "Looney Tunes: Back in Action"? I can't not watch that whenever it's on TV.

In Real People News: 

It's a known fact that anything toddlers do is adorable. Although I've never seen a mother directing her 2 year old to fight the 3 year old she's babysitting so I can't 100% confirm this rule still holds true. I can confirm that posting a video of it online will 100% get you arrested.

It's been a long time since I was a single man but not a day goes by that I don't think about how awful it was. Trying to meet a woman, being rejected, dating someone for weeks only to find out they don't share their cheese fries at Outback. It's terrible. So I can't say I agree with this guy who peed on a woman after she rejected him at a bar. I'm just saying I understand where his frustration is coming from.

Trailer: "Leprechaun's Revenge" Has Billy Zane In It. That Is All.

Over the years we've all grown to dislike Owen Wilson but "Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool dude" is one of the greatest lines ever put to film. The guy makes everything awesome. He even made 15 minutes of "The Roommate" tolerable. So "Leprechaun's Revenge" is going to be awesome because the big Z is in it. It's a fact. The movie premiers on Syfy on March 17th -- that's Saint Patrick's Day if you're keeping score -- and has a new trailer which you can peep below. He really is a cool guy.

Horror Headlines: Thursday August 18th, 2011

Franck Khalfoun, who directed "P2" and apparently loves fedoras is being eyeballed to direct the remake of the much loved 1980 classic "Maniac". For those of you who are not up to date on the film it follows a serial killer who takes out his mommy issues on a bunch of women in NYC. Who can't relate to that.

Charisma Carpenter, who has no porn credits but I'm convinced has done them is teaming up with none other than Mr. Danny Trejo to star in a new Syfy original movie titled "Haunted High". The movie focuses on a High School that's being terrorized by a demon head master. Carpenter will play a hot teacher I assume, and I can't say what it I think Trejo will play because it would be racist. But it rhymes with "manitor".

I have no idea what "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" is about but everyone and their mother seems to be gaga over the books and excited about the movies. Now here's the first still from the film and I can officially confirm that I have no desire to know anything about this movie or book because I assume it's about crack whores with stupid face piercings I can not support that. If you do you hate freedom and apple pie.

Scott Ian is a guy you know from every shitty VH1 show where they reminisce about some crappy decade but may be surprised to know is actually in a band called Anthrax. Well now Scott's also a full fledged zombie because he's been transformed for "The Walking Dead" web series. He sounds really excited about it and blogged the crap about his experience with pics to boot so enjoy. Am I the only one who only liked John Bush era Anthrax? I can't be. Joey Belladonna's perm makes me uncomfortable.

In Real People News: 

Cops in Texas have arrested a man who reportedly broke into a woman's apartment and tried to eat her because he is a 500 year old vampire. Sounds insane I know but if it turns out he is a 500 year old vampire do you think they'll release him? I think they should.

Mother of a god. A registered sex offender is under arrest after he was reportedly punching women in their genitals at a Disney World Wave Pool. The happiest place on earth is nowhere to be punching genitals. That's just wrong. You take that kind of crap to Universal Studios where it belongs.

Mongolian Death Worm (REVIEW)

I loved the movie “Tremors” as a child. I really don’t know why. There was something about Kevin Bacon and some hillbilly survivalist out-running and fighting giant worm monsters called Graboids that really spoke to five year old me. It’s kind of always been a sentimental favorite of mine, even though I haven’t watched it in at least ten years. When I got the DVD for “Mongolian Death Worm” sent to me, the first thing I thought upon looking at the cover was “huh, this looks like a shitty version of “Tremors””. Then I watched it.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday March 1st, 2011

I could have sworn this already happened but apparently "Screen Gems" has acquired the rights to the big screen adaptation to the much loved video game "Devil May Cry". For those of your not familiar with the games there's a guy named Dante, a giant sword and some demons. That about covers it I think. Wait, no! There's a gun too.

Chris Sparling wrote "Buried", the best Ryan Reynolds trapped in a box movie of 2010, and now he's stepping behind the camera with a little ditty titled "Falling Slow". The film will focus on a couple, played by Mandy Moore and Rodrigo Santoro, who move into a haunted apartment. If I was a betting man I'd say any movie with someone named Rodrigo in a starring roll is going to be 100% caliente.

Tobe Hooper, who I believe created a low budget rip off of that chainsaw flick that came out a few years back, has been confirmed to direct a new supernatural thriller titled "Djinn". Djinn is apparently some sort of Arabian demon and I guess in this movie that demon does some nasty crap to a couple's apartment after they return from their trip to the US. I'm not positive but it sounds like this movie might not be patriotic.

What's more prestigious than making a crappy Syfy flick? Making the 200th crappiest Syfy flick of all time! Well the new After Dark opus "Scream of the Banshee" will have the honor on March 26th. That's all really need to know but if you're looking for plot just think banshee scream, then you die. That about covers it.

In Real People News: 

Nothing worse for a teenager then having your mother catch you trying to hide the girl you were just getting busy with in the closet. Especially if that woman happens to be a 40 year old who may or may not have a serious addiction to crack. I didn't read anything about the crack but from the picture I'm just guessing.

Nothing like some good old fashion competition between two local pizza shops. Of course it may be going to far when one owner dumps a crap load of mice into the other owner's shopb but still, all is fare in a pizza war. There's books written on the rules somewhere.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday February 2nd, 2011

For those of you who have been anxiously awaiting a remake of "The Gate" there's good news and bad news. The good news is they've gone into pre-production so there is in fact going to be a movie. The bad news is there won't be any filming in the near future because apparently all the 3D magic going into the production is going to take a long ass time to set up. It's called ying and yang folks, Google it.

"Choose" is a new indie horror flick that apparently opens with a girl having to decide which parent a slasher kills. The new trailer is up on the tubes and looks pretty awesome I must say. Unfortunately there's no US release date yet for us while the UK already has this one sitting on their DVD shelves. But fear not, I think they still love techno music over there so everything kind of evens out.

What the hell After Dark Originals?! I get all excited about your films and then I found out tha "Husk" will be hitting the airwaves this weekend on Syfy. You can't show nudity on Syfy, you can't show guts flying on Syfy and you sure as hell can't have a good movie on Syfy. Except the ones with Debbie Gibson in them, those things are freakin gold.

I don't care if you think Joaquin Phoenix is a jackass that man has got talent. And not the sarcastic type I usually make, the guy is an awesome actor and now he's supposedly the front runner to play our former president in the big screen version of "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter". Seriously, did you see "We Own the Night"? I will fight you!

In Real People News: 

When you finally decide on a tattoo you don't want to wait, no matter how drunk you are. Unfortunately for this woman in Kentucky she was a little too drunk and got shot down by her local tattoo artist. She of course then got in her truck and destroyed the shop and then went on to take her vengeance out on some gravestones. If you love Winger you want people to know.

Yes I know smuggling drugs across the border is bad but you know what is awesome? Doing it with giant catapults! Still very much illegal though so probably not the best idea. Again though, awesome.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday July 27th, 2010

A new red band trailer for "Let Me In", the US remake of the Swedes "Let the Right One In" has found it's way online. At this point I've run out of clever ways to say how much I hated the original so let's just accept that we're American and we're better than everyone else. Let freedom ring.

Twenty years ago the newly released clip of Tiffany and Debbie Gibson having a cat fight for the Syfy flick "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" would of made my Jams all kinds of tight. But I haven't worn Jams in close to twenty years so now it's just making my big boy shorts tight. See how that didn't turn out like you hoped it would?

After very much not being released back in March the Nic Cage film "Season of the Witch" is now seeing some re-shoots. Since they're going back and redoing some scenes why not toss in John Travolta and have him switch faces with Nic. Then have the two of them race around the country looking for secret treasures hidden in national landmarks. You're welcome Lionsgate, you can keep that one.

Hot news out of Comic-Con this past weekend that the much delayed film "All the Boys Love Mandy Lane" may be getting a release in the near future. By this point I'm sure most of the boys have moved on from Mandy to the skeezy girl down the street.

In Real People News: 

A Pittsburgh area man robbed a bank recently while wearing a woman's blond wig, fake breasts and clown pants. There's got to be some kind of sicko fetish site out there for this sort of crap and I for one plan on using most of today's work day to find it.

On this day in history: 

1940 - Bugs Bunny made his debut in the Warner Bros. animated cartoon "A Wild Hare."

Horror Headlines: Tuesday March 13th, 2010

Remember when MTV used to be about music? Even though they do not like music videos anymore, they do like horror! To further prove their love, the network has announced their plans for "The Truth Below", a feature length film starring Reid Ewing. Little is known about the film so far aside from it being a survival horror film centered on a group of teens trapped in an avalanche.

Always willing to mine the depths of any culture to make a bad movie, the Syfy Channel has now set its sights on The Mongolian Death Worm for their next creature feature. Starring Sean Patrick Flannery, the film surely spells the downfall of the former Boondock Saint's career!

Kevin Pollack has a knack for impersonations and comedy, but can he pull off horror? We'll find out soon as his new web series "Vamped Out" debuts on Babelgum.

In Real People News: 

The bar for being a stalker has officially been raised. A former police officer posed as a fake stalker and begun sending his victim threatening sexual emails. Then posing as his true self, he went to the woman to offer her protection from her stalker. Which she fell for.

A Chicago man took his son to Sox Park for the opening day of Major League Baseball. A time honored tradition between father and son. He wasn't prepared for the other honored tradition between father of son, the birds and the bees talk, but was forced to anyway after they caught a young couple having sex in the bathroom stall".

On this day in history: 

1883 - Convicted cannibal Alfred Packer is sentenced to death in Colorado.

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