m. night shyamalan

Horror Headlines: Monday August 12th, 2013

The fried cheese curd is one of the greatest things that's ever been invented and I both love and hate the mid-west for keeping it for themselves.

If you can think all the way back to 2012 and the first "V/H/S" you might remember David Bruckner's contribution about a freaky ass monster girl who goes buck wild on some fellas in a hotel room. Well if you liked that you might just want to check out "Intrusion", a soon to be made movie about a woman who moves to San Francisco and finds she is being stalked by a nut bag, because Bruckner has just signed on to direct the project. If you can't remember all the way back to 2012 though you might want to think about seeing a doctor. It was only a year ago. You might have something seriously wrong with you.

M. Night Shyamalan and Juliette Lewis, we used to love them both. Not me so much, but other people, other people wanted to marry them both. Not at the same time I think, I don't really know. I honestly never got the details. But what my point here is, Lewis has been cast as a straight talkin bartender in "Wayward Pines", the new Fox series being helmed by Shyamalan that follows a secret service agent who comes to a small town looking to find two missing federal agents. Alright I'll just say it, I didn't care for "Natural Born Killers".

I was 99% sure the documentary "Crystal Lake Memories: The Complete History of Friday The 13th" had already come and gone but apparently it was set for an August 27th release date. I say was because apparently someone attached to the release had the good sense to say, "hey why don't we push the release a few weeks and release it on September 13th? Why you ask? Well because that's a Friday the 13th and the documentary is based on a series of films titled 'Friday the 13th'. You see why that might be a smart idea? Oh good I'm glad we agree. Have you lost weight?" I assume that's how the conversation went at least. I imagine some people with very nice shoes being involved in this conversation.

Of course there's going to be a second "Sharknado" and of course it's going to be called "Sharknado 2: The Second One". Have at it twitter.

In Real People News: 

If you're in the woods making meth and you get lost I guess calling the cops and telling them you're actually out there looking for ghosts is one way to go. I mean make no mistake they will find out you're making meth but still, it's a way to go.

If the song "Cat Scratch Fever" was actually about a guy being in love with a cat than there's a good chance Ted Nugent would most likely be in jail. But it's not, so instead this guy in Idaho who made love to his own cat is now in prison. Alright honestly this isn't really a tit for tat thing but now you have "Cat Scratch Fever" stuck in your head so I kind of think I've done my job here.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday July 24th, 2013

Wait did I know there was a "Poltergeist" remake in the works? I feel like I might have known that. I feel like I might have started a post with this same stupid joke before too. Rosemary Dewitt has been cast in the lead role of the 'hey you built your house on top of an indian burial ground' film so I'm assuming they're doing a remake. What a terrible joke this is to play on here if there really isn't one in the works.

I am a big ol fan of George A. Romero's "Dawn Of the Dead". A super big fan even. But at no point did I ever say, "Hey this needs to be shown in 3D". Despite that thought a 3D conversion is in the works and it look like there might be plans to put the film out in theaters again. No release date has been dropped but apparently the conversion is about a third of the way done so we will see how this all goes. I mean I thought "Nightbreed" only needed to be an hour and 15 minutes so maybe I'm all wrong about this conversion. I'm just a big dumb penis after all.

"Hustle & Flow" is one of the greatest movies ever made and Terrence Howard is one of the greatest actors or all time. There's no arguing that. Any jackass who knows his ass from his hand can figure this out. So now that he's been cast in M. Night Shyamalan new Fox series "Wayward Pines" I have fairly high hopes. The show will focus on a secret service agent who comes to a small town looking to find to missing agents. Stuff happens I guess, but nowhere do I read a description of a rapping pimp that he encounters so maybe my hopes aren't as high as I thought they were.

Never let it be said that I don't love an extended version of a film. Never! In fact I am rather smitten with the news that to celebrate the film's 40th anniversary the folks at StudioCanal will release "The Wicker Man: The Final Cut". To be released in the UK on DVD this coming October, and hopefully in the US shortly after, the classic film tells the story of a police officer sent to a remote island to investigate the disappearance of a young girl. Seriously, If there's one thing I say about movies it's "Hey could you tack on another 45 minutes to that gosh darn thing already? I'm trying to watch a movie here!".

In Real People News: 

If there's one solid way to shoplift a baby alligator it's by shoving it under your shirt. Wait, where the hell are they selling baby alligators these days? Oh West Virginia. Of course. The Florida of the 49 other states that aren't Florida.

A Georgia man accidentally hung himself while trying to break into a bar this past week. Imagine being the first person to come into work and find that mess hanging from the fence? Not going to lie, I'd probably turn around and pretend like I had never been there. Let someone else deal with that crap.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday May 29th, 2013

My wife and I will be taking our first trip to Nashville this coming weekend and I can't wait. I'm going to look FABULOUS in my cut off daisy dukes.

If you didn't watch "Bates Motel" then I'm not really sure we'll have much to talk about when things get into a lull and I say, "hey did you hear about how the second season of 'Bates Motel' is going to feature a few more members of the Bates family according to the show's creator Carlton Cuse?". Then I'll probably get kind of pissy and say something about you looking fat and then we won't talk for a while. See how just watching the show could have avoided this whole thing?

We all went a little gaga over the "Evil Dead" remake on the podcast so I'm kind of looking forward to the Blu-Ray dropping so I can relive all the memories at home, minus the 8 year old crying 4 rows behind me. The disc will drop on July 16th and be chock full of behind the scenes features and a commentary track with everyone and their mother on it. It will not unfortunately feature a commentary track by the god awful parents trying to quiet the earlier mentioned 8 year old.

I never thought Steven Spielberg and the "Leprechaun" remake would be mentioned in the same sentence but color me wrong here. It turns out that Zach Lipovsky, the winner of Spielberg and Mark Burnett's "On the Lot" reality show will direct the Lionsgate/WWE reboot. I guess that doesn't really mean Speielberg has anything to do with the film so I can see why you might be annoyed by my misleading intro there. But on the other hand, you're a prick.

Melissa Leo, who is in no way related to Jay Leno and now that I see this typed out doesn't even have the same last name, has signed on to M. Night Shyamalan's "Wayward Pines". The TV series stars Matt Dillon as a secret service agent investigating the disappearance of two federal agents. Leo will play a nurse who lives in the town of Wayward Pines where Dillon is investigating. She doesn't even have a giant chin. I don't know what I was thinking.

In Real People News: 

California... wife... argument... bite... husband... penis.

A 45 year old special education teacher from Maryland has been accused of having sex with her dog. She's been accused because police found video and photos of her having sex with the dog. I'm 99% sure we can just go ahead and say she did it.

Horror Headlines: Friday, August 3rd, 2012

Alright I get it. It's annoying when people post pictures of their kids constantly on Facebook. Ya know what else is annoying? You crying about it in between posting pictures of your stupid cat, annoying political views or random picture of the hot dog you ate for lunch. You became friends with these people on Facebook so don't get pissy when some of them grow up, get married and start a family while you're still sitting in your living room making hair dolls and dressing your dog up like one of the Power Rangers.

I love me some "Robocop" remake updates. You know this about me. I've said it countless times. Need proof? Gaze upon my rock hard nipples while I tell you that Jennifer Ehle, who was in "Contagion", has signed on to join the cast. She'll play someone named 'Liz Kline'. I don't remember who that is from the original. But you're not thinking about that anyway are you. You're thinking you want to see me cut glass with these puppies. Well keep waiting.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. 13 years ago M. Night Shyamalan was our love child and today we get news that he's working with Syfy on a new pilot titled "Proof". "Proof" will focus on a young man who offers money to anyone who can prove there's life after death when his parents die tragically. I can only hope Tiffany will pop up in the cast somewhere.

Little known fact, I am not the German kid in that popular internet video where the kid freaks the F out while playing "World of Warcraft". I know it's an honest mistake, I get it all the time. I've never actually played the game but apparently people go nuts for it but the obvious big screen version has been riddled with problems. Well today's there's some good news for the project in the form of Charles Leavitt being tapped to write the script. I think that's good news. I mean he wrote "Blood Diamond". You basement dwelling virgins should be pumped he'd touch your silly game.

At this point I'm at a loss as to who looks at Brendan Fraser and says "Yeah, get that guy in my movie" but yet again he's been cast. This time in "Split Decision", a new film about two children being hunted by a couple murderers after they accidentally witness the killing. Fraser will play the father who tries to save them. Alright I can't even lie, I find the guy charming as crap. Did you see "Looney Tunes: Back in Action"? I can't not watch that whenever it's on TV.

In Real People News: 

It's a known fact that anything toddlers do is adorable. Although I've never seen a mother directing her 2 year old to fight the 3 year old she's babysitting so I can't 100% confirm this rule still holds true. I can confirm that posting a video of it online will 100% get you arrested.

It's been a long time since I was a single man but not a day goes by that I don't think about how awful it was. Trying to meet a woman, being rejected, dating someone for weeks only to find out they don't share their cheese fries at Outback. It's terrible. So I can't say I agree with this guy who peed on a woman after she rejected him at a bar. I'm just saying I understand where his frustration is coming from.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, January 12th, 2012

Today we got a comment on one of our old posts that simple read "sex". I have no idea what it's referring too, the post in no way has anything to do with bumping uglies. It's the greatest comment we've ever received though and I think sums up every reason I do this. And by this I mean bang on a keyboard like a chimp for 30 minutes and send it to Eric (our Editor-in-Chief) to try an decode. You're welcome, world...

Good news for all of you patiently awaiting the first trailer for "Resident Evil: Retribution". January 18th will be the day that the trailer will hit the tubes, it'll then be showing in theaters that weekend before "Underworld: Awakening". The other good news for all of you who are excited about "Resident Evil: Retribution" is that men's Husky pants are on sale this weekend at Sears.

I'm not going to lie, I'm fairly excited for the release of "The Woman In Black". It looks creepy, that Harry Potter kid looks adorable trying to act all grown up and I'm a sucker for old timey fashions. What can I say. And here's a new poster for the film which hits theaters on February 3th. It has two of the three things I mentioned I love about the film. Oh what I wouldn't give for little Harry Potter to be in the poster smoking a pipe. But instead of smoke coming out of the pipe there's bubbles. How cute would that be!?

Remember how creepy little Isabelle Fuhrman was in "Orphan"? All fake teeth and crap. Well it looks like the little one is now in talks to join the cast of M. Night Shyamalan's upcoming Sifi flick "After Earth". The film tells the story of a world where people no longer live on earth and two hero's who find themselves stranded on the blue orb. Will and Jaden Smith are also a part of the cast. If there was any way I could pinch this movies cheeks I think I would.

It looks like "The Devil Inside" director William Brent Bell and co-writer Matthew Peterman are off to Romania to film a new as of yet titled horror flick. It's going to be a found footage film.... and it's going to be called "The Devil Insider"... and it's going to suck. Alright those last two things are lies. Well the second to last. I can't comment on the whole sucking thing. I'm not god.

In Real People News: 

Drunk girls can be so fun! Here's a story about one in Connecticut who punched a cab driver and then tried to use the excuse that she's disabled when she was arrested. She isn't and it didn't work. So she went with the "It's always the illegals that get away with the (some foul words no website will print)." Oddly enough, that didn't work either.

A 62 year old woman in Florida is under arrested after she bashed her husband head in with a hammer because he was watching Judge Judy. I've always said that those Judge Joe Brown fans are a danger to society and need to be locked up.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday April 5th, 2011

India Eisley, who I am not at all comfortable looking up on Google, has been added to the cast of "Underworld 4: New Dawn". The little rugrat will play the daughter of everyone's favorite vampire Selene. Or at least that's what I think, honestly when I was looking this up my wife asked me why the hell I'm looking at pictures of some 17 year old and I closed everything out real quick like.

M. Night Shyamalan, Will Smith and his son Jaden. Did you just throw up from excitement? Wait a second, did you also mess your pants? The three names are that exciting aren't they! Well get ready because Sony has signed the Smith's to be in an upcoming Sci-Fi flick to be directed by M. Night Shyamalan. I bet blood just shot out of your nipples too. It's that exciting!

"I have two guns, one for each of ya". Look it up and this will all make sense. Warner Bros. has given the thumbs up to "Wild Guns", a new supernatural waster with Wyatt Earp and Doc Holiday fighting a mysterious Shaman. "Tombstone", the quote is from "Tombstone". How old are you people?!

Word around campus is Tim Robbin might be joining the already delightful cast of the upcoming big screen adaptation of "Odd Thomas". The story follows Odd Thomas himself and his unique ability to speak to the dead and help solve the mysteries of their murders. Kind of like "Sixth Sense" only I don't think he turns out to be dead at the end. Or does he?! He doesn't, I'm pretty sure he doesn't.

In Real People News: 

Ever see that show "What Would You Do?". Well it turns out what most people will do if you're screaming "I will kill you" at your three month old child in the middle of a Target is call the cops. And you will go to jail. Mystery solved!

And here's a 37 year old father from Minnesota who forced his two children to play a game he called "Baby Animals". What's that you might ask? Well you'll be sorry you did, because the game is pretty much the father taking off his shirt and then forcing his kids two suck on his nipples. I have no idea how you win.

Devil (REVIEW)

It would be difficult to get your career off to a better start than M. Night Shyamalan. Out of the gate, first film, universally beloved, Oscar nomination, chicks galore (presumably). The slide that the film maker has taken since would have been unparalleled in the world before Tiger Woods. 2010 though, offered Shyamalan a chance to answer his critics on two fronts: he was set to helm a major fantasy epic of someone else's creation, and he was stepping away from the director's chair to allow others to develop one of his seemingly endless ideas.

Horror Headlines: Thursday September 9th, 2010

If you're as excited about the upcoming Fall TV season's I am... and that's not even sarcasm, you'll be giddy to know that Robert Englund will be appearing on the Halloween episode of "Chuck". He'll be playing a guest at Chuck's Halloween party and will be dressed as Freddy Krueger, but here's the twist... it's a slutty Freddy Krueger!

Word around campus is Universal has agreed to produce three films and a TV shows based on Stephen King's seven Dark Tower novels. None other then Ron Howard has signed on to direct the first film and TV series and if I knew how to read I'd be wetting myself with excitement right now.

And lastly today we have the first trailer for "Zombie Roadkill". If you couldn't guess by the title the film is about our furry little splattered roadside friends that come back to life and take revenge on some unsuspecting drivers. Looks like a hoot!

In Real People News: 

The good people over at XBox are doing some apologizing right now after accusing a 26 year old Virgina man of violating their online gaming service's code of conduct. The reason they he was being shut down? He's from Fort Gay Virgina. Even funnier? My hometown of Clown Dick, New Jersey has never raised an eyebrow.

On this day in history: 

1971 - Prisoners seized control of the maximum-security Attica Correctional Facility near Buffalo, N.Y., beginning a four-day siege that claimed 43 lives.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday September 1st, 2010

"Piranha 3D" set a new precedent, so why not copy it? That's exactly what "Shark Night 3D" plans to do while tempting us with these bikini shots of Sarah Paxton and Katherine McPhee. And James Cameron thought "Piranha" was dumb.

Daniel Stamm saw box office success with "The Last Exorcism" this past weekend and he's already looking ahead to future projects. While not yet certain, the director has said that his next film may be "Twelve Strangers", a supernatural thriller. This film is slated to be the second entry in the M. Night Shyamalan "Night Chronicles" trilogy.

There has been some confusion on the announcement of Dimension revealing their plans for a ninth "Hellraiser" film, planned for direct to video release instead of the rumored remake of the original film. Finally revealing their plan, the studio cited the ticking clock on their option to the franchise forcing them to move ahead on "Hellraiser: Revelations" since concrete plans for the remake were no where near coming to fruition.

In Real People News: 

A Dallas man sat in court to receive his sentence for an outstanding assault charge. When the judge announced that he would receive 40 years in prison, the 47 year old man pulled a razor blade from his pocket and slit his own throat. Thwarted by those around him, the man was removed from the courtroom with bandages wrapped around his neck with a scheduled pit stop at the ER on his way to prison.

On this day in history: 

1969 - Troops led by Muammar Qaddafi execute Operation Jerusalem, seizing control of Libya in a military coup.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 16th, 2009

Last night, I bought a bag of candy corn at Target and, somehow, ended up eating the whole bag. While it is relatively guilt-free treat (it's a fat free candy!), when I woke up at 4 AM, with sugary foam and dried wax-like candy bits clogging my throat while throwing up orange-syrupy goo, I realized just how much I actually hate candy corn. I still have no idea why I got it. (Of course, as I type this, I just put a stray piece of corn that I had dropped on the floor last night in my mouth.)

The big news today? That the much jizzed-on “Paranormal Activity” goes wide, and all thanks to the 1,000,000 of you that took the time to vote online! Sure, we're in the middle of two wars, the dollar is becoming useless and we are on the verge of eating our pets, but, hey, entertainment reigns supreme! The best thing about this massive hype? I can't wait for the sure-to-come backlash now that everyone can see the movie without having to resort to midnight movie theatrics. For more info, click here. To join the Army, click here.

What's the other big news on every single Goddamned horror movie site? In a just posted Twitter, Wes Craven thinks that Kevin Williamson's “Scream 4” script “sounds fantastic”. In other Craven/Twitter news that hasn't made it to the news sites yet, today he's eating “tomato soup for lunch...again”, “hates traffic on the 405” and wants to know if you've heard about “that krazy balloon boy in Colorado”.

According to Variety, “Universal Pictures has set Chris Messina to star in "Devil," a horror-thriller based on an M. Night Shyamalan story that will be directed by John Erick Dowdle and Drew Dowdle.” I have no idea who Chris Messina or the Dowdles are, but if M. Night Shyamalan has something to do with it I AM THERE. That man is a cinematic genius. Just like Rob Zombie.

In Real People News: 

OK. So the real news is this a-hole family, the Heenes. They live up the road from me and it was exciting to watch the balloon escape right from my backyard, penis filling with blood at the hope that, at any minute, a child will tragically come falling out of the flimsy cardboard basket. And that was before we found out they were media whores who appeared on “Wife Swap” and put their kids in a music video called, ahem, “Not Pussified”! My advice to young Falcon? Keep trying to reach the stars, son! UPDATE: The boy just vomited on the Today Show!

Midget wrestlers Alberto and Alejandro Pérez Jiménez-- aka La Parkita (Little Death) and Espectrito II, respectively--were found dead in a hotel room after they were poisoned and robbed by a pair of devious hookers believed to be part of an organized crime ring of murderous prostitutes. I FUCKING LOVE MEXICO.

In one Chicago area high school, 115 girls are preggers. That's 1 out of 8. My (jimmy) hats off the to graduating class of Louis Fowler Memorial High School!

On this day in history: 

In 1916, Margaret Sanger founds Planned Parenthood. This puts the former birth control clinic, Kick Your Whore Ass Down the Stairs, Inc., quickly out of business.

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