m. night shyamalan

Horror Headlines: Friday, August 3rd, 2012

Submitted by Joe on Friday, Aug 3rd 2012

Alright I get it. It's annoying when people post pictures of their kids constantly on Facebook. Ya know what else is annoying? You crying about it in between posting pictures of your stupid cat, annoying political views or random picture of the hot dog you ate for lunch. You became friends with these people on Facebook so don't get pissy when some of them grow up, get married and start a family while you're still sitting in your living room making hair dolls and dressing your dog up like one of the Power Rangers.

I love me some "Robocop" remake updates. You know this about me. I've said it countless times. Need proof? Gaze upon my rock hard nipples while I tell you that Jennifer Ehle, who was in "Contagion", has signed on to join the cast. She'll play someone named 'Liz Kline'. I don't remember who that is from the original. But you're not thinking about that anyway are you. You're thinking you want to see me cut glass with these puppies. Well keep waiting.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. 13 years ago M. Night Shyamalan was our love child and today we get news that he's working with Syfy on a new pilot titled "Proof". "Proof" will focus on a young man who offers money to anyone who can prove there's life after death when his parents die tragically. I can only hope Tiffany will pop up in the cast somewhere.

Little known fact, I am not the German kid in that popular internet video where the kid freaks the F out while playing "World of Warcraft". I know it's an honest mistake, I get it all the time. I've never actually played the game but apparently people go nuts for it but the obvious big screen version has been riddled with problems. Well today's there's some good news for the project in the form of Charles Leavitt being tapped to write the script. I think that's good news. I mean he wrote "Blood Diamond". You basement dwelling virgins should be pumped he'd touch your silly game.

At this point I'm at a loss as to who looks at Brendan Fraser and says "Yeah, get that guy in my movie" but yet again he's been cast. This time in "Split Decision", a new film about two children being hunted by a couple murderers after they accidentally witness the killing. Fraser will play the father who tries to save them. Alright I can't even lie, I find the guy charming as crap. Did you see "Looney Tunes: Back in Action"? I can't not watch that whenever it's on TV.

In Real People News:

It's a known fact that anything toddlers do is adorable. Although I've never seen a mother directing her 2 year old to fight the 3 year old she's babysitting so I can't 100% confirm this rule still holds true. I can confirm that posting a video of it online will 100% get you arrested.

It's been a long time since I was a single man but not a day goes by that I don't think about how awful it was. Trying to meet a woman, being rejected, dating someone for weeks only to find out they don't share their cheese fries at Outback. It's terrible. So I can't say I agree with this guy who peed on a woman after she rejected him at a bar. I'm just saying I understand where his frustration is coming from.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, January 12th, 2012

Submitted by Joe on Thursday, Jan 12th 2012

Today we got a comment on one of our old posts that simple read "sex". I have no idea what it's referring too, the post in no way has anything to do with bumping uglies. It's the greatest comment we've ever received though and I think sums up every reason I do this. And by this I mean bang on a keyboard like a chimp for 30 minutes and send it to Eric (our Editor-in-Chief) to try an decode. You're welcome, world...

Good news for all of you patiently awaiting the first trailer for "Resident Evil: Retribution". January 18th will be the day that the trailer will hit the tubes, it'll then be showing in theaters that weekend before "Underworld: Awakening". The other good news for all of you who are excited about "Resident Evil: Retribution" is that men's Husky pants are on sale this weekend at Sears.

I'm not going to lie, I'm fairly excited for the release of "The Woman In Black". It looks creepy, that Harry Potter kid looks adorable trying to act all grown up and I'm a sucker for old timey fashions. What can I say. And here's a new poster for the film which hits theaters on February 3th. It has two of the three things I mentioned I love about the film. Oh what I wouldn't give for little Harry Potter to be in the poster smoking a pipe. But instead of smoke coming out of the pipe there's bubbles. How cute would that be!?

Remember how creepy little Isabelle Fuhrman was in "Orphan"? All fake teeth and crap. Well it looks like the little one is now in talks to join the cast of M. Night Shyamalan's upcoming Sifi flick "After Earth". The film tells the story of a world where people no longer live on earth and two hero's who find themselves stranded on the blue orb. Will and Jaden Smith are also a part of the cast. If there was any way I could pinch this movies cheeks I think I would.

It looks like "The Devil Inside" director William Brent Bell and co-writer Matthew Peterman are off to Romania to film a new as of yet titled horror flick. It's going to be a found footage film.... and it's going to be called "The Devil Insider"... and it's going to suck. Alright those last two things are lies. Well the second to last. I can't comment on the whole sucking thing. I'm not god.

In Real People News:

Drunk girls can be so fun! Here's a story about one in Connecticut who punched a cab driver and then tried to use the excuse that she's disabled when she was arrested. She isn't and it didn't work. So she went with the "It's always the illegals that get away with the (some foul words no website will print)." Oddly enough, that didn't work either.

A 62 year old woman in Florida is under arrested after she bashed her husband head in with a hammer because he was watching Judge Judy. I've always said that those Judge Joe Brown fans are a danger to society and need to be locked up.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday April 5th, 2011

Submitted by Joe on Tuesday, Apr 5th 2011

India Eisley, who I am not at all comfortable looking up on Google, has been added to the cast of "Underworld 4: New Dawn". The little rugrat will play the daughter of everyone's favorite vampire Selene. Or at least that's what I think, honestly when I was looking this up my wife asked me why the hell I'm looking at pictures of some 17 year old and I closed everything out real quick like.

M. Night Shyamalan, Will Smith and his son Jaden. Did you just throw up from excitement? Wait a second, did you also mess your pants? The three names are that exciting aren't they! Well get ready because Sony has signed the Smith's to be in an upcoming Sci-Fi flick to be directed by M. Night Shyamalan. I bet blood just shot out of your nipples too. It's that exciting!

"I have two guns, one for each of ya". Look it up and this will all make sense. Warner Bros. has given the thumbs up to "Wild Guns", a new supernatural waster with Wyatt Earp and Doc Holiday fighting a mysterious Shaman. "Tombstone", the quote is from "Tombstone". How old are you people?!

Word around campus is Tim Robbin might be joining the already delightful cast of the upcoming big screen adaptation of "Odd Thomas". The story follows Odd Thomas himself and his unique ability to speak to the dead and help solve the mysteries of their murders. Kind of like "Sixth Sense" only I don't think he turns out to be dead at the end. Or does he?! He doesn't, I'm pretty sure he doesn't.

In Real People News:

Ever see that show "What Would You Do?". Well it turns out what most people will do if you're screaming "I will kill you" at your three month old child in the middle of a Target is call the cops. And you will go to jail. Mystery solved!

And here's a 37 year old father from Minnesota who forced his two children to play a game he called "Baby Animals". What's that you might ask? Well you'll be sorry you did, because the game is pretty much the father taking off his shirt and then forcing his kids two suck on his nipples. I have no idea how you win.

Devil (REVIEW)

Submitted by Jon on Saturday, Sep 18th 2010

It would be difficult to get your career off to a better start than M. Night Shyamalan. Out of the gate, first film, universally beloved, Oscar nomination, chicks galore (presumably). The slide that the film maker has taken since would have been unparalleled in the world before Tiger Woods. 2010 though, offered Shyamalan a chance to answer his critics on two fronts: he was set to helm a major fantasy epic of someone else's creation, and he was stepping away from the director's chair to allow others to develop one of his seemingly endless ideas.

Horror Headlines: Thursday September 9th, 2010

Submitted by Joe on Thursday, Sep 9th 2010

If the very name M. Night Shyamalan drives you into fits of rage then here's a behind the scenes video of him talking about "Devil". Should get you going on a Thursday morning.

If you're as excited about the upcoming Fall TV season's I am... and that's not even sarcasm, you'll be giddy to know that Robert Englund will be appearing on the Halloween episode of "Chuck". He'll be playing a guest at Chuck's Halloween party and will be dressed as Freddy Krueger, but here's the twist... it's a slutty Freddy Krueger!

Word around campus is Universal has agreed to produce three films and a TV shows based on Stephen King's seven Dark Tower novels. None other then Ron Howard has signed on to direct the first film and TV series and if I knew how to read I'd be wetting myself with excitement right now.

And lastly today we have the first trailer for "Zombie Roadkill". If you couldn't guess by the title the film is about our furry little splattered roadside friends that come back to life and take revenge on some unsuspecting drivers. Looks like a hoot!

In Real People News:

The good people over at XBox are doing some apologizing right now after accusing a 26 year old Virgina man of violating their online gaming service's code of conduct. The reason they he was being shut down? He's from Fort Gay Virgina. Even funnier? My hometown of Clown Dick, New Jersey has never raised an eyebrow.

On this day in history:

1971 - Prisoners seized control of the maximum-security Attica Correctional Facility near Buffalo, N.Y., beginning a four-day siege that claimed 43 lives.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday September 1st, 2010

Submitted by Casey on Wednesday, Sep 1st 2010

"Piranha 3D" set a new precedent, so why not copy it? That's exactly what "Shark Night 3D" plans to do while tempting us with these bikini shots of Sarah Paxton and Katherine McPhee. And James Cameron thought "Piranha" was dumb.

Daniel Stamm saw box office success with "The Last Exorcism" this past weekend and he's already looking ahead to future projects. While not yet certain, the director has said that his next film may be "Twelve Strangers", a supernatural thriller. This film is slated to be the second entry in the M. Night Shyamalan "Night Chronicles" trilogy.

There has been some confusion on the announcement of Dimension revealing their plans for a ninth "Hellraiser" film, planned for direct to video release instead of the rumored remake of the original film. Finally revealing their plan, the studio cited the ticking clock on their option to the franchise forcing them to move ahead on "Hellraiser: Revelations" since concrete plans for the remake were no where near coming to fruition.

In Real People News:

A Dallas man sat in court to receive his sentence for an outstanding assault charge. When the judge announced that he would receive 40 years in prison, the 47 year old man pulled a razor blade from his pocket and slit his own throat. Thwarted by those around him, the man was removed from the courtroom with bandages wrapped around his neck with a scheduled pit stop at the ER on his way to prison.

On this day in history:

1969 - Troops led by Muammar Qaddafi execute Operation Jerusalem, seizing control of Libya in a military coup.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 16th, 2009

Submitted by Louis Fowler on Saturday, Oct 17th 2009

Last night, I bought a bag of candy corn at Target and, somehow, ended up eating the whole bag. While it is relatively guilt-free treat (it's a fat free candy!), when I woke up at 4 AM, with sugary foam and dried wax-like candy bits clogging my throat while throwing up orange-syrupy goo, I realized just how much I actually hate candy corn. I still have no idea why I got it. (Of course, as I type this, I just put a stray piece of corn that I had dropped on the floor last night in my mouth.)

The big news today? That the much jizzed-on “Paranormal Activity” goes wide, and all thanks to the 1,000,000 of you that took the time to vote online! Sure, we're in the middle of two wars, the dollar is becoming useless and we are on the verge of eating our pets, but, hey, entertainment reigns supreme! The best thing about this massive hype? I can't wait for the sure-to-come backlash now that everyone can see the movie without having to resort to midnight movie theatrics. For more info, click here. To join the Army, click here.

What's the other big news on every single Goddamned horror movie site? In a just posted Twitter, Wes Craven thinks that Kevin Williamson's “Scream 4” script “sounds fantastic”. In other Craven/Twitter news that hasn't made it to the news sites yet, today he's eating “tomato soup for lunch...again”, “hates traffic on the 405” and wants to know if you've heard about “that krazy balloon boy in Colorado”.

According to Variety, “Universal Pictures has set Chris Messina to star in "Devil," a horror-thriller based on an M. Night Shyamalan story that will be directed by John Erick Dowdle and Drew Dowdle.” I have no idea who Chris Messina or the Dowdles are, but if M. Night Shyamalan has something to do with it I AM THERE. That man is a cinematic genius. Just like Rob Zombie.

In Real People News:

OK. So the real news is this a-hole family, the Heenes. They live up the road from me and it was exciting to watch the balloon escape right from my backyard, penis filling with blood at the hope that, at any minute, a child will tragically come falling out of the flimsy cardboard basket. And that was before we found out they were media whores who appeared on “Wife Swap” and put their kids in a music video called, ahem, “Not Pussified”! My advice to young Falcon? Keep trying to reach the stars, son! UPDATE: The boy just vomited on the Today Show!

Midget wrestlers Alberto and Alejandro Pérez Jiménez-- aka La Parkita (Little Death) and Espectrito II, respectively--were found dead in a hotel room after they were poisoned and robbed by a pair of devious hookers believed to be part of an organized crime ring of murderous prostitutes. I FUCKING LOVE MEXICO.

In one Chicago area high school, 115 girls are preggers. That's 1 out of 8. My (jimmy) hats off the to graduating class of Louis Fowler Memorial High School!

On this day in history:

In 1916, Margaret Sanger founds Planned Parenthood. This puts the former birth control clinic, Kick Your Whore Ass Down the Stairs, Inc., quickly out of business.