The Dark Tower

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, March 6th, 2011

I have the smallest and most exciting update on "The Dark Tower", the Stephen King adaptation that had Ron Howard attached to it months ago and has yet to gain any traction. Well, it looks like one brave soul took to twitter to ask the man himself if he's still directing and always the gentlemen Richie Cunningham replied back saying that "I hope and plan to. Love it”. What a guy.

Mark my words people, anthology films are going to be the new hotness. "The Profane Exhibit" for example is new in the works and none other than Mr. Uwe Boll has just wrapped his contribution to the film: a short about a married couple, played by Clint Howard and Caroline Williams, who have kept their daughter locked in the basement her entire life. I can't even think of anything funny to say. I'm too shocked that Clint Howard bagged Stretch.

Bob Gale wrote "Back To the Future" and you should love him for that. And now he's going to do the big screen adaptation of Scott Hampton’s graphic novel "Trespassers". The story follows a group of mythbusters who set out to dispel the story of a local haunted house. They come to find out the house is all kinds of messed up with demons and a gateway to hell. And the only way to stop it is to build a car that can take you back in time! Alright that last part isn't true, but man it would be awesome.

I'm probably confused, but I thought "Cloverfield 2" wasn't happening anymore. But now director Drew Goddard has confirmed that he's officially on board for the found footage follow up. Although he kind of said it like he's in, so call some other people and get it happening. I don't know if he wants me to do that. I don't know anyone's number. I've got my own job. What a jerk that guy is. Putting that all on me.

In Real People News: 

I knew that you can go to jail for packaging up flour and trying to sell it like drugs, but I had no idea you could be locked up for exposing fake genitalia to someone. I thank this guy from Maryland for that little nugget of knowledge.

Kicking in the balls is a real prick move when you're fighting another guy. Do the manly thing like this guy in Texas. Bight your opponent's nose off. It's just clean fighting.

Horror Headlines: Monday May 16th, 2011

I've never hidden that fact that I want to make a sweet sweet baby with the original "The Amityville Horror" and now I'm giddy with delight over the green lighting of "The Amityville Horror: The Lost Tapes". The movie, which is set for a 2012 release, will focus on a journalist trying to uncover the true story behind the house after the events of the first film. Will it be awful? Mostly likely but F you, I want to see some bleeding walls!

Universal has decided to push the start date of Ron Howard's adaptation of Stephen King's "The Dark Tower" after rumors were flying around that they might pass on the 3 movie series all together. Why would they do this? I don't know, I'm not allowed in these meetings. Have you seen my wardrobe? They're not going to let a jackass in dirty jeans and a "Don't Mess With Texas" t-shirt into a big fancy executive meeting.

I'm a cynical asshole, by nature, and because of that it pains me more than anything else in the world to admit the trailer for the "Fright Night" remake actually looks really really good. And I'm not even saying that because Colin Farrell is a dreamy SOB. On a side note. When the hell did we find out this movie was going to be in 3D? I could have sworn two weeks ago we found out the cast. Now it's releasing in August? Where the hell have I been?!

Danielle Harris has become the go to gal for horror movies that aren't going to be released in theaters so here's the trailer for "Shiver", a horror movie she stars in that I'm 99% sure is only going to play in 17 theaters across the country. What the hell do I know though, it's got the guy from "Starship Troopers". Anyway the film focuses on a secretary who fights back after being assaulted by a serial killer. Rae Dawn Chong is in it too... take that however you want.

In Real People News: 

Sometimes there's a news story that's so awful it just makes you smile. Then it makes you try to figure out what the hell is wrong with you for smiling. Here's a story about an Illinois man who had a house guest who wouldn't leave. So he tossed gasoline on him and lit him on fire. Are you smiling? Yeah you are you sick prick.

And because I get a kick out of making you feel like you need another shower, here's a story about a guy who is being forced to undergo evaluation after he slapped and rubbed the genitals of his pet Chihuahua in the common area of his apartment complex. Are you still smiling? You belong in hell... sicko.

Horror Headlines: Friday April 8th, 2011

Juan Carlos Fresnadillo, who directed "28 Weeks Later", arguably the second best of the time later movies, has been confirmed to be directing "The Crow" remake which is full steam ahead after delays out the ying yang. I played football in High School and for one game this kid painted his face like "The Crow" because he thought it would be frightening to the opposing team. Holy crap we harassed that kid to the point of tears. Good story huh? "The Crow"!

Holy mother of god the remake goodness just keeps flowing. Here it is folks, the first stills from the "Fright Night" retelling for your peepers and man are they.... there. I mean look at Evil Ed! He looks so... not evil, I'm sorry I can't do this today. Let's move on.

Javier Bardem, who is my all time favorite air gun murderer, is close to signing on to play Roland Deschain in the "Dark Tower" series that will be spread over three films and a TV series. I never read the books, should we be upset or really excited about this?

I only know Madeline Zima as the girl who likes to punch guys in the face while she makes the nasty on "Californication" but apparently she's done some other things. Things meaning she's signed up for the new people trapped in a bunker thriller "Storage". I've got high hopes for this one people, mostly because it seems like Madeline has no problem getting nude, so I assume this movie is going to be great.

In Real People News: 

A Georgia man has been fined $300 and ordered to serve a year probation after he tattooed a three year old. Honestly if it only will cost me $300 bucks to put some ink on a toddler I think I might be game. How many people can say they've done that?

And just to top off your Friday here's a story about a guy in Kentucky who's been arrested for ejaculating on a woman in the cereal aisle of a local supermarket. Have a good weekend you princes of Maine, you kings of New England.

Horror Headlines: Thursday January 27th, 2011

Some new behind the scenes photos for "Battle: Los Angeles" have hit the net and they're full of alien goodness. I haven't seen the movie yet but if all the aliens want is one city then maybe we should just let them have it. The place has lost all its appeal since 2Pac died anyway. Or did he!?

According to director Matt Reeves the story for "Cloverfield 2" hasn't even been discussed and the film may never happen. I know I had trouble getting out of bed today too just knowing this! Let me help though, annoying guy runs around with camera while his friends jump around some the city avoiding giant aliens. Let's light this candle!

The newest name to be tossed around Ron Howard and Stephen King's "The Dark Tower" film is Christian Bale. Of course he's being rumored as their first choice so take that for what it is. My first choice for my bus driver tomorrow is Jackie Gleason but he's been dead for 20 years so it's probably not going to happen.

Director David O. Russell recently dropped knowledge on why he decided to drop out as director of the upcoming big screen version of "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". Apparently the studio only wanted to put about 25 million into the budget and Russell was hoping for almost double that. When you think about the fact that they spent 75 million to make "Monkeybone" you start to think David might have a point.

In Real People News: 

When you send a friend request to a man your friend likes, even being family won't save you. Case in point this women from Upstate NY who ran over her cousin not once, but twice after she had the nerve to do just that. If I was him I'd be flattered.

A mother in California has been arrested after her pre-teen kids became sick after eating cookies she had made laced with pot. Apparently no charges are being brought up on the kids for ganging her stash, I'll never understand the legal system.

Horror Headlines: Thursday September 9th, 2010

If you're as excited about the upcoming Fall TV season's I am... and that's not even sarcasm, you'll be giddy to know that Robert Englund will be appearing on the Halloween episode of "Chuck". He'll be playing a guest at Chuck's Halloween party and will be dressed as Freddy Krueger, but here's the twist... it's a slutty Freddy Krueger!

Word around campus is Universal has agreed to produce three films and a TV shows based on Stephen King's seven Dark Tower novels. None other then Ron Howard has signed on to direct the first film and TV series and if I knew how to read I'd be wetting myself with excitement right now.

And lastly today we have the first trailer for "Zombie Roadkill". If you couldn't guess by the title the film is about our furry little splattered roadside friends that come back to life and take revenge on some unsuspecting drivers. Looks like a hoot!

In Real People News: 

The good people over at XBox are doing some apologizing right now after accusing a 26 year old Virgina man of violating their online gaming service's code of conduct. The reason they he was being shut down? He's from Fort Gay Virgina. Even funnier? My hometown of Clown Dick, New Jersey has never raised an eyebrow.

On this day in history: 

1971 - Prisoners seized control of the maximum-security Attica Correctional Facility near Buffalo, N.Y., beginning a four-day siege that claimed 43 lives.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday November 11th, 2009

LatinoReview.com has uncovered the script for Oren Peli's follow up to "Paranormal Activity", titled "Area 51". Still basking in the glow of his recent success, the studio has been trying to keep close tabs on the details for this one. So, if you don't mind spoilers... be sure to read on.

It was rumored some months past that J J Abrams would be taking on the adaptation of Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series. As of today, Abrams has officially announced that he is dropping the project.

If James Gunn was the only reason you were holding out for "Scream Queens Season 2", I have bad news for you. Gunn has had to bow out of Season 2 due to scheduling conflicts. On the bright side, that means he's making another movie!

ABC has announced that it will not be renewing "Eastwick", the small screen adaptation of "Witches of Eastwick" after its 13 episode run. Don't worry, I'm sure we'll see Rebecca Romijin-Stamos-O'Connel again soon!

In Real People News: 

The recent discovery of hundreds of human bones, bronze shields, and bracelets in the wilds of the Sahara Desert are believed to be the remains of the Lost Persian Army of Cambyses II. The army of 50,000 men was believed to have been buried by a sandstorm in the year 525 B.C. Not so much weird news, but 'awesome' news for history nerds!

Two teachers have been suspended after letting their students watch a Live Sex show during a cultural exchange trip to Thailand. My only question is, do they even have any other kind of shows in Thailand?

Psychics lead officials to a human skeleton hidden in the walls of a West Virginia mansion. The remains were chopped into bits with saw marks upon the bones. Who the bones belonged to has yet to be discovered.

On this day in history: 

1988 - Seven bodies are discovered under the ground of a Sacramento California boardinghouse owned by Dorothea Puente. The batty landlord had killed nine elderlies and was receiving their social security money.

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