... and it's called "Zombie Massacre". I'm glad to see Uwe Boll back to taking his films super seriously. As all schlock fans know, the best camp is the unintentional kind. It says "Coming in 2013" and has a link to a business website at the end, so I assume that means he's still trying to sell the film. Let me be the first to say, let's Kickstartr this thing, I'd be all over that hot mess in a second.
I bought my first grill yesterday and now officially declared myself a man at the ripe age of 34. This weekend I look forward to burning my first house down.
No one likes the French. Nobody. So news that French actress Lizzie Brochere has joined the cast of season 2 of "American Horror Story" is bitter sweet. Bitter, because she's French and sweet because... I can't really think of anything actually. Croissants are pretty good. Let's go with that.
Woman hate Angelina Jolie because she seems like a jerk and she broke up Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and while some won't admit it every man on earth loves her for the same reason. I'm done lying! So the world will love/hate the news that she's in talks to play a small role in the upcoming Ridley Scott film "The Counselor". The film is about a big time lawyer who tries his hand at the drug game with not so sexy results. Have you seen her tattoos? She's probably a lot more fun than Aniston. You can't argue science.
Robert Kirkman, the guy who created the magical comic book "The Walking Dead" has landed himself another AMC show titled "Thief of Thieves". Based on the comic of the same name the story focuses on a master thief who trying to reconnect with his estranged wife and son while trying to keep his life legit. That's the first season. In the second season not much happens and everyone on the internet bitches about it. Just a guess.
Uwe Boll has set his eyes on freedom with his next project. The film is called "Bailout" and will set its sights on how the economic crisis has affected the average American family. I think this sounds great. mostly because that guy could kick my ass in a boxing match.
I have the smallest and most exciting update on "The Dark Tower", the Stephen King adaptation that had Ron Howard attached to it months ago and has yet to gain any traction. Well, it looks like one brave soul took to twitter to ask the man himself if he's still directing and always the gentlemen Richie Cunningham replied back saying that "I hope and plan to. Love it”. What a guy.
Mark my words people, anthology films are going to be the new hotness. "The Profane Exhibit" for example is new in the works and none other than Mr. Uwe Boll has just wrapped his contribution to the film: a short about a married couple, played by Clint Howard and Caroline Williams, who have kept their daughter locked in the basement her entire life. I can't even think of anything funny to say. I'm too shocked that Clint Howard bagged Stretch.
Bob Gale wrote "Back To the Future" and you should love him for that. And now he's going to do the big screen adaptation of Scott Hampton’s graphic novel "Trespassers". The story follows a group of mythbusters who set out to dispel the story of a local haunted house. They come to find out the house is all kinds of messed up with demons and a gateway to hell. And the only way to stop it is to build a car that can take you back in time! Alright that last part isn't true, but man it would be awesome.
I'm probably confused, but I thought "Cloverfield 2" wasn't happening anymore. But now director Drew Goddard has confirmed that he's officially on board for the found footage follow up. Although he kind of said it like he's in, so call some other people and get it happening. I don't know if he wants me to do that. I don't know anyone's number. I've got my own job. What a jerk that guy is. Putting that all on me.
In Real People News:
I knew that you can go to jail for packaging up flour and trying to sell it like drugs, but I had no idea you could be locked up for exposing fake genitalia to someone. I thank this guy from Maryland for that little nugget of knowledge.
Kicking in the balls is a real prick move when you're fighting another guy. Do the manly thing like this guy in Texas. Bight your opponent's nose off. It's just clean fighting.
Big news kids! "The Walking Dead" has been picked up for a second season and I've also completed this big ass puzzle I've been working on for months. The first part of that is probably the news you want to pay attention to. But seriously, that puzzle was a giant f'er, lots of blue and stuff.
A release date for the long awaited remake of Troma's "Mothers Day" has finally been announced. In a bold move the film will be released on April 11th, a full month before the real Mother's Day. Well played big wigs, well played.
The trailer for Uwe Boll's latest film "Bloodrayne: The Third Reich" has finally hit the tubes. It's a vampire hunter flick based on a video game that's set in Nazi Germany. The fact that Boll is German doesn't make that weird at all.
By a show of hands, who wants to see Danny Trejo fight a monster created by a drug lord. Just as I thought! Everyone in America wants to see that, everyone! You're welcome, here's "Project X23". Now, who wants to see the government give me a giant swimming pool filled with beer?
I usually just wear my "These Colors Don't Run" t-shirt to get out of jury duty but this guy has topped me. An Ohio man was excused after he reveled he was a childhood friend of Jeffrey Dahmer. Yup, that'll do it.
On this day in history:
1888 – Jack the Ripper kills Mary Jane Kelly, his last known victim.
Yeah, I know I know - when I first heard Uwe Boll was making ANOTHER movie, I thought the same thing: How the HELL is he able to keep making movies?" Really, has this guy made ANYTHING that wasn't a steaming pile of monkey feces? EVER? I bet this guy even ruined his own home videos.
Don Mancini recently sat down to discuss the long awaited "Child's Play" remake and the short and curly of it is there's no news, but he's open to it. So that about covers it. How's your Tuesday going? Mine's pretty good. Like what you're doing with your hair.
Some new images from "Paul", the Sci-Fi comedy written by Nick Frost and Simon Pegg have hit the nets and I think I might be giddy. The film is currently set for a March 18th release and stars the duo as a couple of geeks who meet a real life alien.
1881 - Wyatt Earp, his two brothers and "Doc" Holliday confronted Ike Clanton's gang in a gunfight at the OK Corral in Tombstone, Ariz. Three members of Clanton's gang were killed; Earp's brothers were wounded.
Classic horror mag "Famous Monsters of Filmland" is being brought back to life by IDW and the new cover has been revealed! Known for decades for its in-depth articles on monsters and make up extravaganzas, the return of this classic is pretty exciting! The magazine will re-launch at the Famous Monsters of Filmland convention in Indianapolis, IN July 9-11.
In Real People News:
Two teenagers taking part in the local Des Moines easter egg hunt found an extra surprise this Sunday. While picking up those cute little pastel colored eggs made with love and glitter, then happened across a dead body.
A rural Illinois man has been arrested on two federal charges of Animal Cruelty. Hitting a deer while driving down a country road late at night is an unavoidable accident and is easily excused. When you build a special armored truck and film yourself running down deer to sell on DVD, it's a whole different story.
On this day in history:
1815 - Mount Tambora erupts in what is now Indonesia, killing 12,000 and spewing eighty cubic kilometers of ash into the atmosphere at once. The blast is heard more than 900 miles away, and makes summer feel like winter in many parts of the world.
I've never really understood what "presented by" means in a movie but this Italian zombie flick is "Presented by Uwe Boll". Which kind of got me excited because the film doesn't look half bad and everything is in Italian so you can't tell if the acting is awful or not. Pluses all around. Sure the plot isn't the most original, a couple of guys trying to solve the mystery of why the rest of the world has been turned into zombies, but hey like I said it's "Presented by Uwe Boll".
Uwe Boll fans can rest easy. The director has announced his return to horror with the announcement for "Bloodyrayne 3: Warhammer". This news leads many horror fans to exclaim, 'There was a second "Bloodrayne"'?
Lake Tahoe residents are being terrorized by a gigantic bullet scarred black bear. The bear has broken into over 40 homes on the Lake Tahoe shore, eats whatever food he can find then takes a large smelly dump which has come to be known as his calling card. Too bad John Candy isn't around to take care of the beast.
On this day in history:
1960 - Serial killer Henry Lee Lucas kills his 74 year old mother. He tells Toledo police that he raped her corpse, but later recants.
Stills from "Piranha 2". If you want my advice, stop after the bikini one, because the next shot is a dried up old Richard Dreyfuss. That won't be good for anyone.
Stop the presses, it's time for "The Toxic Avenger 5: The Toxic Twins". Ok, it's only a promo poster that debuted at this week's American Film Market, but it means that development has come along farther than it has in a long while. Lloyd Kaufman is attached to direct (as usual). That just made my week.
In Real People News:
Wow, allergic to sperm... you don't hear that every day. Don't let your girlfriend/wife know this is a real thing. Trust me.
1605: Parliament is scheduled for detonation in the notorious Gunpowder Plot, in which Catholic conspirators attempted to roll back protestantism in England. Thirty-six barrels of black powder were uncovered in the cellar, and fuses were found in Guy Fawkes' pocket. In consequence, Fawkes was beheaded. Britains now celebrate his death with warm beer and fireworks.