Angelina Jolie

Horror Headlines: Monday, May 7th, 2011

Award Pictures is apparently in the process of having their asses sued by Mr. Sam Raimi over their plans to make an "Evil Dead 4" film without his involvement or permission. While there's little chance we'll ever actually see "Evil Dead 4: Consequences" I think this is a perfect opportunity for someone to swoop in and make "Evil Dead 5" before anyone has a chance to notice. I'm already working on part 7.

Sharlto Copley, the little alien that couldn't from "District 9", is in talks to play opposite Angelina Jolie in "Maleficent", a new film that plans to tell the back story behind Sleeping Beauty. If he joins the cast Copley will play King Stefan, the napping sweetheart's father. Alien kings! What'll they think of next?

Mick Garris looks like he could be Michael Bay's crazy Uncle but he isn't, I looked it up on the internet to confirm. He is directing a new UFO conspiracy film titled "Invasion" though so it's kind of like they're direction relatives. Ya know, cause they both direct movies. They hang out at the same bars and crap I assume. The Directors Chair I bet it's called. And they have a drink called The Black List with Whiskey and chalk shavings in it. What a couple of jerks.

Sofia Vergara has joined the cast of "Machete Kills". I assume this move is because Jessica Alba is an asshole on the sets of movies and Robert Rodriguez can't cut her out of the film so he did the next best thing. Found a woman that makes her look like a dog faced monster. Well played, señor.

In Real People News: 

We've all played the old "hey my zipper is down and my junk is hanging out" game at the check out line of our local grocery store, but apparently this guy in Michigan is going to jail for it. This is just like those stories you hear about dodge ball being taken out of schools. Fun is dead.

A Long Island woman is accused of selling both sex and hot dogs along the side of the road from a cart. I swear to god it's like every time there's a new street meat trend I always find out about it a day too late.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, April 12th, 2011

I bought my first grill yesterday and now officially declared myself a man at the ripe age of 34. This weekend I look forward to burning my first house down.

No one likes the French. Nobody. So news that French actress Lizzie Brochere has joined the cast of season 2 of "American Horror Story" is bitter sweet. Bitter, because she's French and sweet because... I can't really think of anything actually. Croissants are pretty good. Let's go with that.

Woman hate Angelina Jolie because she seems like a jerk and she broke up Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and while some won't admit it every man on earth loves her for the same reason. I'm done lying! So the world will love/hate the news that she's in talks to play a small role in the upcoming Ridley Scott film "The Counselor". The film is about a big time lawyer who tries his hand at the drug game with not so sexy results. Have you seen her tattoos? She's probably a lot more fun than Aniston. You can't argue science.

Robert Kirkman, the guy who created the magical comic book "The Walking Dead" has landed himself another AMC show titled "Thief of Thieves". Based on the comic of the same name the story focuses on a master thief who trying to reconnect with his estranged wife and son while trying to keep his life legit. That's the first season. In the second season not much happens and everyone on the internet bitches about it. Just a guess.

Uwe Boll has set his eyes on freedom with his next project. The film is called "Bailout" and will set its sights on how the economic crisis has affected the average American family. I think this sounds great. mostly because that guy could kick my ass in a boxing match.

In Real People News: 

Ah it's the age of social media. Why even your local killer is taking to the Faceblogs to update his status after he shoots his own mother to death. I assume his next check-in was from jail.

I got 89 bags of weed tied to my dick and a bitch aint one. Wait no, that makes no sense.

Horror Headlines: Friday, March 9th, 2011

Elle Fanning of "Super 8" and general Fanning fame is in talks to star opposite our lord and savior Angelina Jolie in "Maleficent". The film is being created by the good people at Disney and is said to be a live action take on the classic tale of "Sleeping Beauty". I was always envious of her. Cause ya know, sleeping is so great and she must of been really well rested.

Why in the holy living hell anyone would want a "Wolf Creek" iPhone app is beyond me but it's on its way for your apping pleasure. It''s be released early next year to coincide with the release of "Wolf Creek 2" and be filled with info on the first flick, never before seen clips and a ton of other crap that no one in their right mind would pay for.

I pray every night that the new show "666 Park Avenue" is going to be like a modern day take on "227" but there's a good chance I'm going to be disappointed. Mercedes Masohn and Robert Buckley have just been added to the cast for the show that focuses on a couple who tend to an apartment building that houses a group of people who have made deals with the devil. I don't see how a Jackée type character could work into that but let's keep hope alive.

It's a slow day and all I can think about is how angry the Hulk would be if he had to work with me. So here's some news about "Prometheus" being released in IMax. You're welcome.

In Real People News: 

Scratch that. Having to sit up at night and worry that this guy from Oklahoma screwing your pigs is a lot worse. I think.

As if dropping dead isn't bad enough now you going to worry about guys like this sicko in Ohio diddling your corpse in the funeral home? It just never ends does it.

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