Sofia Vergara

Horror Headlines: Friday May 31st, 2013

It's 4 am, I've been awake for over an hour and I can't get Toby Keith's "I Love This Bar" out of my head. A 7 am flight to Nashville should do the trick.

The trailer for "Machete Kills" has hit the tubes and to be honest I think I might want to make a baby with this movie. And not just because of Sofia Vergara. Well mostly because of Sofia Vergara. I really like Sofia Vergara. A lot.

NBC has decided to pick up "Hannibal" for a second season despite lackluster ratings in my household. The show got a 0 out of 3 viewership in my home after the first episode sat on my DVR for close to two weeks before I finally said, "I'm never going to watch this" and then deleted it. I don't know what those TV big wigs are thinking.

Michael C. Hall has been confirmed to be playing the lead in Jim Mickle's big screen adaptation of "Cold In July". The story follows a man who finds himself in hot water after he kills an ex-con's son. I like to think that Michael C. Hall and C. Thomas Howell are really good friends and do everything together. But that's just me.

I haven't seen "Demons" or "Demons 2" since I was just a wee lad but I do remember enjoying them a great deal. And now I can relive those watercolor memories thanks to the folks at Synapse because they're releasing both flicks on Blu-Ray later this year in a limited edition steel case. Why they hell do you need these films in a steel case? I have no idea but they're chock full of extras and someday could be worth 3 to 4 dollars more of less than you originally paid. Get em while they're hot.

In Real People News: 

The Maryland kid who got suspended from school for shaping his Pop-Tart into a gun has been given a lifetime NRA membership. So that all worked out for the best I guess. I look forward to hearing of his prison sentence in 5 to 10 years.

Now I don't condone driving drunk at all but if you're going to do it you should probably do it like this guy in New Mexico who got into a car crash while being under the influence and having sex with a woman. But seriously, don't do it.

Horror Headlines: Friday, July 6th, 2012

I don't usually like to write about behind the scenes videos on here because let's be honest they're usually pretty boring but today I have to break that rule. Today we have a clip from the set of "Machete Kills" featuring the one and only Sofía Vergara. Yes she's wearing next to nothing in the clip and yes it's 100% creepy that this was actually posted on her son's video blog but I think the first point outweighs the second. You try to tell me I'm wrong.

Exciting news has come out of Jamie Lee Curtis' camp that the original scream queen will be making her first and last appearance at a horror convention this coming November. She's stopping in to a special Horror Hound Weekend in Indianapolis from November 16-18 for photo signings, QA and I hope drunken fire tossing in the courtyard. All the money she makes over the weekend will go to Starlight Children's Foundation so if she does end up tossing around the devil stix please drop a 20 in the hat on the ground.

The good folks over at The Scream Factory have dropped knowledge that they will be releasing blu-ray editions of the classic horror flicks "Terror Train" and "The Funhouse" on October 16th. Both will be chock full of special features including audio commentaries, photo galleries and trailers. Only one of them will feature a train though while the other will take place at a carnival. Try to guess which is which.

In Real People News: 

Attacking people with a sword is pretty awful but I'm sure even the victims have to admit you kind of look like a bad ass. If you happen to have a peanut butter sandwich in the other hand though you kind of just look like a crazy guy. Devil's in the details.

Having your genitals grabbed by the maid when you're 14 can be a pretty traumatic experience but at the end of the day you'll probably just end up bragging to your friends on the playground. Unless of course that maid turns out to be a cross dressing man. Then you're going to file some charges. It's called evolution folks.

Horror Headlines: Monday, May 7th, 2011

Award Pictures is apparently in the process of having their asses sued by Mr. Sam Raimi over their plans to make an "Evil Dead 4" film without his involvement or permission. While there's little chance we'll ever actually see "Evil Dead 4: Consequences" I think this is a perfect opportunity for someone to swoop in and make "Evil Dead 5" before anyone has a chance to notice. I'm already working on part 7.

Sharlto Copley, the little alien that couldn't from "District 9", is in talks to play opposite Angelina Jolie in "Maleficent", a new film that plans to tell the back story behind Sleeping Beauty. If he joins the cast Copley will play King Stefan, the napping sweetheart's father. Alien kings! What'll they think of next?

Mick Garris looks like he could be Michael Bay's crazy Uncle but he isn't, I looked it up on the internet to confirm. He is directing a new UFO conspiracy film titled "Invasion" though so it's kind of like they're direction relatives. Ya know, cause they both direct movies. They hang out at the same bars and crap I assume. The Directors Chair I bet it's called. And they have a drink called The Black List with Whiskey and chalk shavings in it. What a couple of jerks.

Sofia Vergara has joined the cast of "Machete Kills". I assume this move is because Jessica Alba is an asshole on the sets of movies and Robert Rodriguez can't cut her out of the film so he did the next best thing. Found a woman that makes her look like a dog faced monster. Well played, señor.

In Real People News: 

We've all played the old "hey my zipper is down and my junk is hanging out" game at the check out line of our local grocery store, but apparently this guy in Michigan is going to jail for it. This is just like those stories you hear about dodge ball being taken out of schools. Fun is dead.

A Long Island woman is accused of selling both sex and hot dogs along the side of the road from a cart. I swear to god it's like every time there's a new street meat trend I always find out about it a day too late.

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