Hannibal

Horror Headlines: Monday July 1st, 2013

With my first mid-west 4th of July just a few days away I am both angered and confused after discovering that both Illinois and Milwaukee have laws that you can actually sell fireworks, just not shoot them off. I have no idea what sort of monster came up with this law but I'd like to punch them square in the face and then shoot a firework at their family dog.

I think the last time I saw a Julianne Moore movie I liked she was asking The Dude to plant his seed inside her. It's been a while. But good news, her next project is a witchs come to F crap up tale titled "The Seventh Son" and co-stars The Dude himself Jeff Bridges. Bad news, the project had already had its release date pushed once and now it's happened again, landing a January 17, 2014 outing now. Pray someone loses a toe.

It's probably been more than 20 years since I saw "Jacob's Ladder" and I'm not going to lie, it confused the holy living hell out of me. IMDB tells me it's about a Vietnam vet who starts to go nutso and seeings weird ass crap after the loss of his child. Not in those words exactly but you get the idea. My point here is I keep meaning to go back and watch the film again but now I don't have to because a remake is on it's way. Jeff Buhler, the fella who wrote "Midnight Meat Train", will pen the script and god willing he will dumb it down so I can understand it.

Crap, we completely forgot to celebrate last Wednesday. What was the special occasion you ask? Why it was exactly 2 years to the date before we get the new "Terminator" movie. I know, June 26th, 2015 is right around the corner, I'm really excited too.

David Bowie has been offered a role on the next season of "Hannibal" according to the show's creators. No word yet on if Mr. Stardust will take the role, but word has it he would be playing Hannibal's uncle on the second season of the NBC show. The good news here is I use to not really like David Bowie and now after hearing his music for about 30 years I've grown to really enjoy his work. So look out "Hannibal" producers, you might just have a new fan come 2043.

In Real People News: 

A obese elderly woman was discovered in Washington after she was so neglected by her daughter that maggots were actually eating away at her flesh. Don't worry though, the maggots were actually eating away at a serious infection in the womans leg and may of actually helped save her life by eating away at the dead skin. Did you just throw up? it's ok to say yes.

Killing the family dog is bad enough, but cooking it? Well I guess that's just not being wasteful so I'm kind of neutral on the whole thing. Yes this happened in Florida.

Horror Headlines: Friday May 31st, 2013

It's 4 am, I've been awake for over an hour and I can't get Toby Keith's "I Love This Bar" out of my head. A 7 am flight to Nashville should do the trick.

The trailer for "Machete Kills" has hit the tubes and to be honest I think I might want to make a baby with this movie. And not just because of Sofia Vergara. Well mostly because of Sofia Vergara. I really like Sofia Vergara. A lot.

NBC has decided to pick up "Hannibal" for a second season despite lackluster ratings in my household. The show got a 0 out of 3 viewership in my home after the first episode sat on my DVR for close to two weeks before I finally said, "I'm never going to watch this" and then deleted it. I don't know what those TV big wigs are thinking.

Michael C. Hall has been confirmed to be playing the lead in Jim Mickle's big screen adaptation of "Cold In July". The story follows a man who finds himself in hot water after he kills an ex-con's son. I like to think that Michael C. Hall and C. Thomas Howell are really good friends and do everything together. But that's just me.

I haven't seen "Demons" or "Demons 2" since I was just a wee lad but I do remember enjoying them a great deal. And now I can relive those watercolor memories thanks to the folks at Synapse because they're releasing both flicks on Blu-Ray later this year in a limited edition steel case. Why they hell do you need these films in a steel case? I have no idea but they're chock full of extras and someday could be worth 3 to 4 dollars more of less than you originally paid. Get em while they're hot.

In Real People News: 

The Maryland kid who got suspended from school for shaping his Pop-Tart into a gun has been given a lifetime NRA membership. So that all worked out for the best I guess. I look forward to hearing of his prison sentence in 5 to 10 years.

Now I don't condone driving drunk at all but if you're going to do it you should probably do it like this guy in New Mexico who got into a car crash while being under the influence and having sex with a woman. But seriously, don't do it.

Horror Headlines: Friday February 15th, 2013

Show of hands who's still climaxing? I know I am.

"Under the Dome", a new series coming to CBS that's based on the Stephen King novel about a town that finds itself enclosed in a transparent dome, has landed itself a bad guy in the form of Dean Norris. You might know Norris from his role on "Breaking Bad" or as 1st Scientist from the 1993 made for TV movie "Barbarians at the Gate". Probably from "Breaking Bad" though.

There's more horror shows coming to the boob tube than you could shake a stick at but one of the first to be announced is "Hannibal", a new series about a detective and the famous man-eater he enlists to help him track down a psychopath. Sounds pretty dandy and now NBC has confirmed an airing date of April 4th has been announced so it looks like we won't have to wait to long to get all fava beany. On a side note, don't ever shake a stick at your TV. You'll look like a crazy person.

I think I blocked out the fact that Universal is rebooting "The Mummy" franchise because I don't think Brendan Fraser is going to be in it and a Mummy film without Brendan Fraser is no Mummy movie I want to see. Now it looks like the big boys are sick of waiting for "Prometheus" writer Jon Spaihts to come up with a script so they hired Billy Ray to come up with one of his own at the same time. I guess the reasoning is one of them will come up with a script sometime soon so why not give it a go. I only hope they end up adding more writers to the pool and I get my chance. Keep your fingers crossed, Brendan.

I've never seen a single Michael Armstrong film but apparently he's the bees knees and people will be all excited to find out he's coming out of retirement to direct "Orphanage", a new film that isn't the remake of another film I haven't seen for completely different reasons. We really got to know each other today didn't we. I love you.

In Real People News: 

The rules of a 3 way are very strict and it's completely understandable that if you break them you're going to get stabbed. This is North Dakota folks.

I'll be honest the idea of a 3 year old pumping gas is kind of adorable to me and I think this woman facing charges for letting her little bundle of joy do just that might be getting f'ed over. Then again I guess the point that there's video of the kid spraying himself gasoline so who can really tell if it's right or wrong.

Horror Headlines: Thursday December 13th, 2012

It's often been said that if Johnny Depp and Christopher Nolan ever teamed up the world would explode from all the hot action that would be produced. Well folks get ready for the end of time because it's happening. The movie is "Transcendence" and I think it has something to do with a super computer that gets put inside a dead person or something. I'm not really sure. Truth be told I started reading the description and I started to daydream about Depp's gentle soft smile.

Gillian Anderson has been confirmed to be taking on a multi-episode role in the upcoming NBC show "Hannibal". The show is based on the much loved Hannibal Lecter character and Anderson will play the role of the good doctor's therapist. Funny story. I always get Gillian Anderson and Marlee Matlin mixed up so for a second I thought Lecter's therapist was going to be a deaf woman which I thought was kind of crazy. Good story huh?

ABC has given the thumbs up to a new zombie outbreak series titled "The Returned". Based on a novel by Jason Mott the show will focus on a small town in the Midwest where the dead return to change the lives of those they left behind. Kind of like "Pushing Daises" I'm guessing, only still on the air.

Want to know even more casting news for "Insidious Chapter 2"? Well Leigh Whannell, Angus Sampson and Andrew Astor will all be returning for the second installment of the film and I have absolutely no idea who they are or what roles they played. They all have really weird names though huh? Angus. Sounds like dangus. That's funny.

In Real People News: 

What do you get when a spelling mistake in the word "public" gets run in a newspaper ad? You get a "Pubic Charter School" of course. You also get hilarity.

An Oregon woman took the law into her own hands when she broke into the home of a woman she suspected of having relations with her husband and then tried to run down said husband with her pickup truck. I mean she's in jail now but still, taking the law into your own hands always sounds really bad ass.

Horror Headlines: Friday, August 24th, 2012

I'm sorry I left you. To be 100% honest I'm probably going to do it again really soon. Don't you wish you could quit me?

"The Maze Runner" is a new sci-fi flick about a group of men who live inside an enclosed area with monsters lurking about outside. I know I'm already confused. Originally attached to "Twilight" director Catherine Hardwicke, word has come down that Wes Ball, who I assume was harassed pretty severely in school with a name like that, has been put in the director's chair for the project. I mean "ball", right? He kind of deserved whatever he got.

I've pretty much run out of jokes to pair with news about the upcoming NBC series "Hannibal" so I'm just going to come out and tell you that Hettienne Park has been added to the cast of the show as someone's love interest. I'm not sure whose. Not mine I know that for sure. She seems nice and all don't get me wrong. Just not my type. You don't know me!

The "Maniac" remake staring Elijah Wood seemed to be confirmed, cast and filmed in a matter of about 3 weeks and now it looks like IFC Midnight has picked up the film for distribution. No word on a release date yet but if things go as planned I assume it'll hit VOD sometime this afternoon.

I still haven't seen "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" but according to everyone I need to see it, and I need to see the original, and I need to read the books, and I need to drop a few pounds. It's a lot to take in. Well the disappointment that I'll probably just continue to get fatter will be coupled with the news that the US remake's sequel, "The Girl Who Played With Fire", will not be released till sometime in 2014. No real surprise there since we haven't heard jack squat about the second film moving along any time soon. So this gives me a lot of time to do none of the things I talked about earlier.

In Real People News: 

Now I know you can't drive and talk on the phone anymore but I have to say I've never heard of a law that says you can't drive around giving oral to a dildo while shoving a vibrator up your back side. I mean I had never heard of a law saying you can't do that until this guy from Minnesota got picked up doing just that. Way to ruin it for the rest of us buddy.

Cross country flights can be really boring. What the hell are you going to do on a 37 hour flight from New Jersey to Arizona (my time might be off)? Well I guess this one gentlemen had already seen the in flight movie because he opted to fondle the woman sitting next to him. For his sake I hope they don't edit the movies they show in prison too. That's just annoying.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, August 15th, 2012

Oikos Greek yogurt is on sale at the Palisades Park NJ Shop Rite. 10 for 10 bucks. RUN! Don't walk.

I'm just going to come out and say it. Tobey Maguire is a creepy little man child. He weirds me out and I haven't slept well since I knew he existed. And now he's been added to the cast of the big screen adaptation of "Z for Zachariah". The film tells the story of a girl who runs the only farm left on the planet with breathable air after the world ends. Well I mean I guess it doesn't end. She's alive. People come and meet her. This doesn't sound so bad after all.

Everyone's favorite.... I don't really know, Lara Jean Chorostecki has been added ot the cast of the upcoming NBC show "Hannibal". She'll play Freddy Lounds in the series I've explained too many times to count so I'm not going to bother doing it again. I've still only seen "Silence Of the Lambs" so I have no clue what all this means.

Terry Crews is both lovable and frightening. It's kind of amazing. I wish I was him... a lot. And now he's been cast in "Scary Movie 5", a film which is both unnecessary and not wanted. Wait no, those two things mean the same thing. I'm awful at this. Anyway I don't know what role he's going to play but if I was going to guess I would say big hulky man who is afraid of everything. Just taking a shot here.

I know we're all still very upset about K-Stew-Pat-Son Gate 2012 and I'm not sure this new development is going to make things any better. It looks like Kristen Stewart has in fact been dropped from the sequel to "Snow White and the Huntsman." I know, it hurts. Apparently there's three films planned and K-Stew will no long appear in any of them. They may also go back and digitally remove her from the DVD version of the first film. Probably not though.

In Real People News: 

Remember that old SNL skit where Dan Aykroyd plays a sleazy toy maker and one of the toys he tries to sell kids is a broken bag of glass? Well I think this woman from Oklahoma saw it too because she' under arrest for spanking her 5 year old son with just that. Seriously, the skit is hilarious.

Looks like one of the guys who invented Crocs has been picked up for drunk driving. Wait no, it gets better, apparently he blamed his drunken antics on his girlfriend. Who did he claim was his girlfriend? Well Taylor Swift of course. I'll be honest I don't believe she's his girlfriend but I 100% believe this is all her fault.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, August 2nd, 2012

Today is IPA day folks. Who decided that? I have no idea but I know if you're a member of Untappd, which a number of us BGHer's are, you'll get a special badge for cracking up your favorite hoppy brew. Not to brag but I currently have 63 badges in my record book. And one very concerned wife.

I had this whole funny idea for compareing Kate Beckinsale dropping news that she probably won't do another "Underworld" movie to some of the worst disasters in history. But when I thought more about it saying this news is as devastating as well... ya know something really bad where a lot of people died is probably not so cool. I think I'm growing up.

If you've listened to a word I've said over that past few months you'd know that NBC is hard at work on their new series "Hannibal", based on the beloved man eater from "Red Dragon". If you didn't know that then I think we may need to see other people. Might I suggest Caroline Dhavernas and Aaron Abrams who have recently been added to the cast of the show as a professor and crime scene investigator. See how I made that happen? You're going to miss my musk.

Alright, I'm just going to come out and say it. For years I hated Drew Barrymore. I honestly don't even remember why at this point. But now I'm older and wiser and I don't care either way about her. Wow, it feels good to get that out there. The news here though is that Drew (I'm going to call her Drew now that we're BFF's) is in talks to direct, yes, direct, a new film titled "The End" which focuses on the more human side of the end of the world. Good for her. I couldn't be happier.

A sequel to "Prometheus" is officially in the works and planned for a 2014 or 1015 release. In related news tomorrow I'll probably get drunk.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, July 24th, 2012

Man I never read or saw "Red Dragon" but the news that Larry Fishburne is in talks to take on the role of Jack Crawford in "Hannibal", the upcoming NBC series based on the book has me borderline interested. I guess the character is an FBI agent or something who tries to find Hannibal. Was Hannibal in that book? I don't care. Doesn't matter. Freakin Morpheus, man.

Apparently there's been rumors floating around that "Jurassic Park IV" will focus on a government plot to weaponize dinosaurs. I've never heard that rumor and I like to think I'm the beginning and end of all internet rumors. But just to try to prove me wrong producer Frank Marshall came out and said that these "rumors" are 100% false. Now that I think of it he never did confirm that he didn't make them up himself right before he said they were false. So maybe that's why I never heard of them.

Shocking news coming out of "The Dark Knight Rises" camp today that Miss. Anne Hathaway would apparently not be opposed to doing a "Catwoman" spin off film. I know I'm just as shocked as you are. Don't worry though, this won't be some piece of crap. She'll only do it "with the right people". I assume she means she would want the entire cast and crew from "Bride Wars" to be involved. I'm just guessing here though.

Eliza Roberts, who is apparently the spouse of Eric Roberts, who I have nothing but good things to say about, has joined the cast of "Self Storage". That means there will be a loving couple on the set of the flick about a group of party goers trapped inside a storage facility. Nothing but love and normal things going on. That is all. Happy times.

In Real People News: 

Naked man breaks into 67 year old man's home. Naked man gets shot. I think that's redneck math.

If you're going to get caught using your child's diaper bag to steel items from Walmart the proper thing to do is to ditch the bag and make a run for it. You do not, I repeat DO NOT ditch the bag and your 1 year old child and make a run for it. That little bugger is full of your DNA and will be traced back to you.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, June 5th, 2012

I'm probably going to be disappointed here but I'm actually looking forward to "Mockingbird Lane", a new series based on the classic show "The Munsters". I will say Jerry O'Connell is kind of a weird choice for the role of Herman Munster if they're trying to make this version more dark than the original but what do I know. He was rather spellbinding in "Kangaroo Jack".

A horror movie doesn't always need blood, a killer or even jump scares but it better damn well have Malcolm McDowell. Luckily for "Mischief Night", a new flick about a girl being stalked by a killer she starts to have feelings for, it now has some double M action in its cast list. If there's one complaint people have always had about "The Birds" it's that it needs more McDowell.

Mads Mikkelsen might be the most bad ass name ever imagined and I'm not the least bit ashamed to admit I'm petrified of the guy. So I'd venture to say he's a good choice to play the lead role in the upcoming "Hannibal" TV show. He seems like the kind of guy who would actually eat another person just to get into character. To Mads Mikkelsen! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

In Real People News: 

There are numerous places that it's okay to let your kid play. A sandbox, the beach or a jungle gym are some good examples. Railroad tracks on the other hand are a terrible, terrible place to let your kid play and you will go to jail for it. You're welcome.

Sometimes you got to sweet talk a girl. You can't just rush up and ask if you can bed her. I wouldn't peg a woman who would stab a man in the head to be that kind of woman but apparently she is. It's kind of ironic isn't it? Don't you think?

Horror Headlines: Monday, April 2nd, 2011

Welcome to April folks! I hope you're up on your shots because things are going to get super raw this month. Look, Russ! No tan lines.

Kenny Doughty has been added to the cast of Bong Joon-Ho's "Snow Piercer" and while I've never seen a movie he's been in he kind of looks like he's terminally ill so I'm going to hold back on the comments. The movie tells the tale of a group of people trapped on a train after the world has frozen over. I've talked about this a lot this morning. I still have no idea how trains work when the world is frozen.

Everything I know about Atilla the Hun I learned from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" and even that I don't remember too well. I think I remember him messing up a sporting goods store or something. But Warner Bros. is going to fix that for me with a new film that will tell the full story of Mr. Hun. I wonder if they'll get to the part where he's taken to the future to help two kids get an A on their history final. I hope so.

Stick with me here, because I'm going to try to explain the new movie "Bloodloss". It's a found footage flick about a filmmaker who's investigation into his sister's disappearance leads him into the underworld culture of real life "vampires". Alright now that I write it down I guess it's not that confusing. it's also not that interesting. I'm sorry I ever brought it up.

David Slade, the guy who brought you "30 Days Of Night" has been tapped by the people behind the new "Hannibal" series to direct the show's pilot. the NBC show will follow the "Red Dragon" story line and tell the story of a budding romance between Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter. I think. I don't know, I've never read the book but I do love a good romance.

In Real People News: 

If you're going to rent the school's laptop you might want to think about getting a separate hard drive for your 350 sexual explicit pictures you're taking of yourself. The most shocking thing here is that apparently schools lend out laptops now. I hope they come with Oregon Trail installed.

Sometimes you just have to spit on an old person. But who the hell gets caught for doing it? This guy in Florida that's who. He lost his shiznit while behind the wheel and let a loogy fly on this old lady and now he's in jail. I assume there's a lot of spitting going on there too. That's an oral sex reference.

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