Horror Headlines: Monday, April 2nd, 2011

Welcome to April folks! I hope you're up on your shots because things are going to get super raw this month. Look, Russ! No tan lines.

Kenny Doughty has been added to the cast of Bong Joon-Ho's "Snow Piercer" and while I've never seen a movie he's been in he kind of looks like he's terminally ill so I'm going to hold back on the comments. The movie tells the tale of a group of people trapped on a train after the world has frozen over. I've talked about this a lot this morning. I still have no idea how trains work when the world is frozen.

Everything I know about Atilla the Hun I learned from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" and even that I don't remember too well. I think I remember him messing up a sporting goods store or something. But Warner Bros. is going to fix that for me with a new film that will tell the full story of Mr. Hun. I wonder if they'll get to the part where he's taken to the future to help two kids get an A on their history final. I hope so.

Stick with me here, because I'm going to try to explain the new movie "Bloodloss". It's a found footage flick about a filmmaker who's investigation into his sister's disappearance leads him into the underworld culture of real life "vampires". Alright now that I write it down I guess it's not that confusing. it's also not that interesting. I'm sorry I ever brought it up.

David Slade, the guy who brought you "30 Days Of Night" has been tapped by the people behind the new "Hannibal" series to direct the show's pilot. the NBC show will follow the "Red Dragon" story line and tell the story of a budding romance between Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter. I think. I don't know, I've never read the book but I do love a good romance.

In Real People News: 

If you're going to rent the school's laptop you might want to think about getting a separate hard drive for your 350 sexual explicit pictures you're taking of yourself. The most shocking thing here is that apparently schools lend out laptops now. I hope they come with Oregon Trail installed.

Sometimes you just have to spit on an old person. But who the hell gets caught for doing it? This guy in Florida that's who. He lost his shiznit while behind the wheel and let a loogy fly on this old lady and now he's in jail. I assume there's a lot of spitting going on there too. That's an oral sex reference.

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