terminator

Horror Headlines: Monday January 27th, 2014

I'm not going to pretend it hasn't been two months since I wrote the news last. I am going to pretend that you've been very upset about it though and sent me dozens upon dozens of emails asking me why I've abandoned you. I am however going to pretend that there's some kid sitting in his bedroom right now reading this, crying his eyes out because the head cheerleader doesn't even know he exists, thinking that maybe things will be OK after all because Joe is writing the news again.

I love TV shows with a solid will they/won't they theme, even when it's based around a mother and son relationship like "Bates Motel". What can I say I'm a sucker for love. So I'm giddy with delight to find new info on the second season of the show which hits A&E on March 3rd. I mean as giddy as you can get when you realize the plot for season two is really just a continuation of season one, Norman continues to lose his crap, his mother tries to cover up some murder type things, a cop starts to catch on and blah blah blah the brother sells drugs or something. You've missed this kind of hot late breaking news haven't you?

I could have sworn Kevin Smith retired 12 years ago but he keeps putting crap out so I'm assuming it's like a Jay-Z type retirement where you announce it to get some attention and then just keep on doing the same crap you've always done. Case in point. "Comes the Krampus!", a new holiday anthology flick he just finished the screenplay for that focuses on everyone's favorite Scandinavian Christmas time monster that eats kids instead of bringing them presents. No real word on next steps for the project but it's planned for a holiday release sometime in the next 10 years.

"Terminator: Genesis", the upcoming "The Terminator" reboot, has apparently lost itself a financial backer. Megan Ellison and her Annapurna Pictures has apparently decided to back out of the project leaving Skydance Productions, which happens to be her brother's production company, to cover the tab. So this really means nothing at all to you and I. The movie is still being made, Arnold Schwarzenegger is still coming back and we're still over a year away from its release. Seriously, how did you survive without this kind of daily coverage to fill your life for the past two months?

ABC has green lit the pilot for "The Visitors", a new series based on a Ray Bradbury short story titled "Zero Hour". In the story the fine people of earth try to fend off an alien attack where the little green men use our own children against us. Seems completely plausible. The other day my 2 year old hit me in the crotch with a Doc McStuffins doll so hard I blacked out for 15 seconds. I can only assume she was being controlled by aliens.

In Real People News: 

How many times have we heard this story my friends? A woman accused another woman of hitting her with a hog stomach and someone ends up getting stabbed in the beck with a pair of scissors. Once, I can really only thing of one time I've heard this story. That one time is just a few seconds ago to be clear.

Let this be a lesson to all the young men out there. When making love to your best gal on the school bus, if she happens to queef during said love making on the school bus do not laugh at her. Because she will elbow you in the balls and you will get in trouble and you will end up on the news. This has been your daily romance advice from Joe. On a side note spell check has no idea what a "queef" is.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday September 17th, 2013

In case you're wondering wedding specials are where I draw the line of which Real Housewives shows I will watch. Just to put all the rumors to rest.

Remember when I told you that Jen and Sylvia Soska would be directing "See No Evil 2", the sequel to the 2006 direct to video flick starring the WWE's Kane? No I didn't think you would but I felt like i should ask anyway. Well they are, and now it looks like the first two ladies to be cast in the project are none other than Danielle Harris and Katharine Isabelle. I have no idea what the first one was about but this one apparently follows the same killer from the first as he stalks a group of medical students. Or something. Who cares really. Maybe the two of them will kiss or something.

Christian Serratos, who you probably remember from "Twilight", is the latest name to be added to the upcoming fourth season of "The Walking Dead". She'll play Rosita Espinosa (Muy caliente!) a survivor who runs into our merry gang of zombie killers. Just kidding, if you remember her from "Twilight" then you're a loser and you like loser things! Just kidding again, team Jacob 4 life.

The "Terminator" reboot will be released into theaters on Wednesday, July 1, 2015. Because weekends are for pricks.

"Insidious 3" has been confirmed to be happening now that "Insidious: Chapter 2" pulled in $41 million this past weekend. Leigh Whannell will once again pen the script but no word on if James Wan will once again return to direct. One thing is for sure though, I will most likely come up with a half assed excuse as to why I can't see it for the podcast. No, but seriously, I had a lot crap going on this weekend. You don't know me!

In Real People News: 

Apparently now it's illegal to bring a ferret into restaurants in Arizona. Let me be clear, a few days ago this was not illegal but now, now it is illegal to bring a ferret into restaurants in Arizona. Just so we're all on the same page here.

A lot of people having the ungodly feeling that made they've made a giant mistake after they get married. This woman in Montana had that feeling. Of course most people get over that feeling. She went another direction and pushed her husband off a cliff. I guess we all cope in our own ways though.

Horror Headlines: Friday September 6th, 2013

Two days in a row. I'm taking the rest of the month off.

Ah right, there's a "Terminator" reboot in the works. It was really only a matter of time, but now that "Game Of Thrones" director Alan Taylor is being tossed around as a possible director I'm somewhat interested. And by interested I mean I assume I'll like the movie for 20 minutes and then be completely confused about what the hell is going on and who all these people are. When the hell is winter going to actually come!?

The big screen adaptation of "Dark Places" has added Drea de Matteo, of "Sopranos" fame, to its ever growing cast list. Based on the book by the same name, the film tells the story of a woman who's forced to revisit the events of her families murder when she was 7 and the brother who she testified against as the murderer. Charlize Theron and Christina Hendricks are also in the movie... Boobs.

All child actors are frightening, creepy and should be locked in cages like zoo animals. But i understand they are a necessity in some films. Like the "Poltergeist" remake, which has just cast Kyle Catlett of "The Following's", in one of its little people roles. They should have handlers like animals and be cleaned with hoses. Just saying.

Universal has picked up Lee Shipman and Brian McGreevy to pen the script to another remake of H.G. Wells' "The Island Of Dr. Moreau". Why the hell not huh?

In Real People News: 

Here's a heartwarming story about a Georgia based animal shelter that for 100$ promised to find new homes for dogs whose owners could no longer take care of them but instead just went ahead and killed them. Wait no, that's not heartwarming at all.

An Oregon woman is all bent out of shape after she found a mouse bone in her box of cereal. I'll be honest I always assume people in Oregon just chewed on bones and drank dip spit for breakfast.

Horror Headlines: Monday July 1st, 2013

With my first mid-west 4th of July just a few days away I am both angered and confused after discovering that both Illinois and Milwaukee have laws that you can actually sell fireworks, just not shoot them off. I have no idea what sort of monster came up with this law but I'd like to punch them square in the face and then shoot a firework at their family dog.

I think the last time I saw a Julianne Moore movie I liked she was asking The Dude to plant his seed inside her. It's been a while. But good news, her next project is a witchs come to F crap up tale titled "The Seventh Son" and co-stars The Dude himself Jeff Bridges. Bad news, the project had already had its release date pushed once and now it's happened again, landing a January 17, 2014 outing now. Pray someone loses a toe.

It's probably been more than 20 years since I saw "Jacob's Ladder" and I'm not going to lie, it confused the holy living hell out of me. IMDB tells me it's about a Vietnam vet who starts to go nutso and seeings weird ass crap after the loss of his child. Not in those words exactly but you get the idea. My point here is I keep meaning to go back and watch the film again but now I don't have to because a remake is on it's way. Jeff Buhler, the fella who wrote "Midnight Meat Train", will pen the script and god willing he will dumb it down so I can understand it.

Crap, we completely forgot to celebrate last Wednesday. What was the special occasion you ask? Why it was exactly 2 years to the date before we get the new "Terminator" movie. I know, June 26th, 2015 is right around the corner, I'm really excited too.

David Bowie has been offered a role on the next season of "Hannibal" according to the show's creators. No word yet on if Mr. Stardust will take the role, but word has it he would be playing Hannibal's uncle on the second season of the NBC show. The good news here is I use to not really like David Bowie and now after hearing his music for about 30 years I've grown to really enjoy his work. So look out "Hannibal" producers, you might just have a new fan come 2043.

In Real People News: 

A obese elderly woman was discovered in Washington after she was so neglected by her daughter that maggots were actually eating away at her flesh. Don't worry though, the maggots were actually eating away at a serious infection in the womans leg and may of actually helped save her life by eating away at the dead skin. Did you just throw up? it's ok to say yes.

Killing the family dog is bad enough, but cooking it? Well I guess that's just not being wasteful so I'm kind of neutral on the whole thing. Yes this happened in Florida.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday April 27th, 2011

I am not the least bit ashamed to admit that fluids shot out of every hole in my body when I read the news that Arnold Schwarzenegger has officially signed on to do a new "Terminator" movie. No screenwriter or director has been confirmed but Justin Lin has been rumored to be taking the camera for the flick. Oh mother of god the fluids!

2011 has already been a stellar year for the homeless and now everyone's favorite movie "Hobo With a Shotgun" is coming home to DVD and Blu-Ray. July 5th will be the date you can get your grubby little fingerless gloved mits on the 2 disc DVD or Blu-Ray that features all kinds of interviews, commentaries and other filthy treasures. Catch the hobo fever!

We're going 3 for 3 in the awesome news department kids because Steve Austin and Danny Trejo have both signed on to battle in "Recoil". Austin will play former cop who goes on a rampage after his family is murdered by a group of criminals. Trejo will of course play one of the criminals, because stereotypes are there for a reason and that reason is to help casting in films move along quickly.

Well they can't all be zingers my friends. Chris Landon is once again confirmed to be partnering up with Michael Perry to write "Paranormal Activity 3" after there were rumors that he had dropped out of the project. The duo wrote the previous film in the series and while they haven't promised it, I'm hoping will once again cast a rampaging pool cleaner. Keep your fingers crossed.

In Real People News: 

A 29 year old Roseville man is being charged with murder after he went nuts and started driving on a Minneapolis sidewalk, killing 1 and injuring 2. The incident apparently stems from an argument that started in a nearby bar and I assume had something to do with who is the better "Grand Theft Auto" player.

How the hell do you not think you're going to get caught urinating on cough drops at a Walgreens? There are practically video cameras everywhere these days and anywhere there isn't there's some prick taking video with his camera phone. You take cough drops into the men's room to piss on them! Everyone knows that's the only safe place.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday February 16th, 2011

Jim Mickle's "Stake Land" will finally find it's way to VOD on April 22nd after a solid run on the convention circuit. The film is the follow up to Mickle's much adored "Mulberry Street" and has nothing to do with porter houses and a lot to do with vampires running around after the Apocalypse. Kind of wish there was some actual steak involved here.

For being so friendly the Swedes sure are a sick bunch of M'Fers. Proven completely by the new trailer for "Marianne" which has hit the tubes. The film tells the story of a father who's trying to cope with the loss of his wife, a couple daughters who hate him and the spooking happenings going on in his house. It's a real feel good hit.

It looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger might be making his way back to Terminator land sometime soon or at least that's the hope. Seems Arnold is back in the ring for acting and Chris Morgan wants to kick the series back into gear so all signs are pointing to him... being back. Get it? Like "I'll be back"? That's what he said in the movies. It's funny. "It's not a tumor!"

Looks like Intrepid Pictures, who helped bring "The Strangers" and "Doomsday" to the world are lining up "Skeleton Creek" as their next flick. The movie is apparently a teen romp based on some books that I've never heard of but I guess the kids are gaga for them. It's a group of kids who come across a ghost while exploring an abandon gold mine. I'm pretty sure this was the basis of every live action Disney movie in the 70's. I hope Don Knotts is in this one.

In Real People News: 

All babies are adorable. That's something you say before you learn about Le Yati Min, and discover that she has 12 fingers and 14 toes. No amount of cute can make you ignore that but her parents still insist on getting her into the Guinness Book of World Records. I assume for the extra digits thing, not for being the creepiest girl in the world. That would just be mean.

Speaking of records, here is one that you should actually find impressive. A Florida man is now in more trouble than he originally thought after smuggling 33 items into prison. How did he get all of them in? He shoved up his anus of course. It's like the old question people always ask. If you were going to be stranded on a desert island and could only bring 33 items shoved up your ass what would they be? What would they be!?

Box Office Special - Smells Like Summer

Last week, "Star Trek" did quite well for itself, as it managed to take in a terrific opening haul as well as win near universal praise from critics. So, as these things tend to work, Paramount immediately rolled out its front-runner advertising campaign, which championed "Star Trek" as the nation's number one movie, etc, etc. Unfortunately, they're only going to get one week out of those ads.

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