kevin smith

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★ ½

Mustaches. 

I love TV shows with a solid will they/won't they theme, even when it's based around a mother and son relationship like "Bates Motel". What can I say I'm a sucker for love. So I'm giddy with delight to find new info on the second season of the show which hits A&E on March 3rd. I mean as giddy as you can get when you realize the plot for season two is really just a continuation of season one, Norman continues to lose his crap, his mother tries to cover up some murder type things, a cop starts to catch on and blah blah blah the brother sells drugs or something. You've missed this kind of hot late breaking news haven't you?

I could have sworn Kevin Smith retired 12 years ago but he keeps putting crap out so I'm assuming it's like a Jay-Z type retirement where you announce it to get some attention and then just keep on doing the same crap you've always done. Case in point. "Comes the Krampus!", a new holiday anthology flick he just finished the screenplay for that focuses on everyone's favorite Scandinavian Christmas time monster that eats kids instead of bringing them presents. No real word on next steps for the project but it's planned for a holiday release sometime in the next 10 years.

"Terminator: Genesis", the upcoming "The Terminator" reboot, has apparently lost itself a financial backer. Megan Ellison and her Annapurna Pictures has apparently decided to back out of the project leaving Skydance Productions, which happens to be her brother's production company, to cover the tab. So this really means nothing at all to you and I. The movie is still being made, Arnold Schwarzenegger is still coming back and we're still over a year away from its release. Seriously, how did you survive without this kind of daily coverage to fill your life for the past two months?

ABC has green lit the pilot for "The Visitors", a new series based on a Ray Bradbury short story titled "Zero Hour". In the story the fine people of earth try to fend off an alien attack where the little green men use our own children against us. Seems completely plausible. The other day my 2 year old hit me in the crotch with a Doc McStuffins doll so hard I blacked out for 15 seconds. I can only assume she was being controlled by aliens.

A review of Kevin Smith's latest film... and John Goodman's neck-fat.

Some details around the upcoming "Leatherface 3D" film have been released and it sounds like some big changes are on the way. First, the film will take place in present day Texas and secondly it sounds like Leatherface gets offed right at the beginning of the film... sort of. I mean the name of the movie is "Leatherface 3D" so he's got to be in it, right? They wouldn't do that would they? Oh god I'm so afraid.

Nick Searcy, who you might remember as "Uncredited" in the film "Eagle Eye" has signed on to star in the upcoming big screen adaptation of "Metamorphosis", a book by Franz Kafka. For those of you who didn't have to read this in High School, the book is about a young boy who finds himself transforming into a cockroach. Now that I describe this I realize it's kind of weird that I had to read this in High School. Am I the only who who had to stay after school for private lessons from a teacher who refused to wear pants? He said it was normal.

For those of you who didn't get a chance to fork over 80 bucks to see Kevin Smith's "Red State" I'm happy to report the movie will hit VOD, and I assume every torrent site, on September 5th of this year. Along with that the movie will get a limited release in October. Some showings will reportedly feature live streaming Q&A sessions which I'm guessing will actually just be about 5 minutes of Kevin Smith rambling about how "indie" he is followed by 30 minutes of him shoveling pizza down his fat gullet.

Thomas Jane, the poor man's Lorenzo Lamas, has signed on to play a role in a new werewolf movie set in the 1700's titled "The Lycan". Not many details other than that have been released and no word as of yet if Jane will actually get to become a werewolf soooo... How's things with you? Any big vacations plans for the summer?

Two new posters have hit the tubes for Kevin Smith's "Red State" and they're super trippy. One shows a some crazy ass redneck holding a shotgun and the other one shows Smith just after he ousted that fat kid on the internet as world record pizza roll eater. Oh I kid, it's an upside down church, which I assume has some sort of deep meaning. But serious, I bet Smith could school that kid at pizza roll eating.

It's got to be depressing for Joel Schumacher to still be referred to as "the guy who directed 'The Lost Boys" so I'd like to break the trend here. The "DC Cab" director, see what I did there, is set to take on "The Hive" which focuses on a 911 operator who has to take on a killer from her past in order to save the life of a little girl... he also directed "Batman & Robin" and that movie was unwatchable. FYI.

Looking to break away from his father's shadow Jack Osbourne is looking to create a horror film based on the songs of Black Sabbath, the band which was front by his famous father Ozzy. It's a sarcastic riddle, stick with me here. According to the loose details the movies will only feature the band's music and feature themes inspired by the songs, no actual band members will appear in the film. I assume it'll star his sister Kelly though, it would be insane not to highlight that talent.

Good news for fans of soft corn porn, production on "Piranha 3DD" has officially begun. Along with that a whole gang of cast members have been confirmed for the flick that takes the man eating fish to a water park. Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, Chris Zylka, David Koechner, Meagan Tandy, Paul James Jordan, Jean-Luc Bilodeau, Hector Jimenez, Adrian Martinez, and Clu Gulager are all on board and while I don't recognize a single name there I'd bet money at least three of them have been a part of a filmed threeway.