First Friday of 2013! What's on tap? We should go to one of those indoor water parks. Wouldn't that be fun? I swear to god if you laugh at my man boobs though I will slap the taste out of your mouth.
I get my young starlets mixed up a lot but I'm fairly sure Ashley Tisdale has either made a porn, had nude phone pics of her leaked, or bedded one of the Kardashian sisters. Whatever it was we can all discuss it in length on a soon to be recorded podcast because the former Disney gal has been added to the cast of "Left Behind". The film focuses on a group of people who are left on earth after big JC takes all his followers up with him to heaven. A-Dale (I just made that up) will play Nic Cage's daughter in the film. I assume Cage ends up being Jesus. It would just be silly if something else happened.
Despite my hatred of all things not-English I actually liked Spanish filmmaker Alex De La Iglesia's 2010 weird ass flick "The Last Circus". So I am kind of excited to learn about his next project titled "Witching and Bitching" which follows a group of robbers being hunted down by a group of witches. I'll be honest I was sold on title alone. I just pray this one has a lot less chubby-man ass in it.
I had no idea that "Mimesis: Night of the Living Dead" was a thing but apparently it's going to hit DVD and Blu-Ray on February 12th. For the rest of you who had no idea about the film either, it follows a group of strangers who are brought to a house for what they think is a big horror fan event and find themselves trapped in a real life recreation of the classic 1968 Romero classic. The important thing here is that I now know what "mimesis" means.
I can't imagine anyone is looking forward to the new Halle Berry flick "The Hive," but if you are you should know that the title has changed to "The Call" and will see the light of day on March 25th. The bright spot here is that the film is being directed by "Session 9" main man Brad Anderson. The dark spot is that it's being put out by WWE films so there will most likely be a Stone Cold cameo. Alright fine, I'll admit it, that's a bright spot also.
In Real People News:
Holy mother of god: Here's a story about a Florida guy who attacked and raped a miniature horse. In the same state that you can have a buffet breakfast with Mickey Mouse? What the hell is wrong with people.
An Ohio stripper is in critical condition after she fell off of a balcony while giving a lap dance. I know I'm thinking the same thing as you are. There's a two story strip club in Ohio? There's finally an actual reason to visit that godawful state.
I had no idea there was a "World Of Warcraft" movie in the works or that Sam Raimi was suppose to be directing it. But it turns out he isn't going to. The movie is still happening though, just with another director. Good story huh?
I don't have proof or anything but if I was to take a guess I would say that at some point Eric Roberts has been spanked by a lady. Don't ask me why, it's just a hunch. So I suggest that ladies on the set of "Self Storage" keep a close eye on their drinks because the tan one has just joined the cast. The film tells the tale of a group of friends trapped inside a storage facility when all hell breaks lose.
If you like cartoons and you like horror then your going to go ape shit over "The Living Corpse", which the folks over at Anchor Bay have just acquired the rights to. The flick is a cartoon tale (that's why I mentioned them before) about a superhero who also happens to be undead. Like superman, but he eats people. Although Superman may be doing now also. I haven't read a comic in close to 20 years so I don't know what's going on there.
Remember Justina Machado from "Six Feet Under"? The spicy latina that Rico cheated on and we all fealt sorry for? Well feel sorry for her again because she's landed a role along side Halle Berry in a new serial killer flick "The Hive". In the film Berry plays a 911 operator who must help a teenager being stalked by a killer. I say feel sorry for her because Halle Berry kind of makes crap movies now. So this is probably going to be a crap movie. She may have a perfectly lovely time though. I'm sorry I lead you to believe she was going to be miserable. She's hot.
In Real People News:
I've seen a lot of movies where a guy meets a woman in a bar and goes back to her place and it turns out she's real freaky deaky and likes to pretend she's being attacked during sex. That's weird to me. Things go from weird to illegal though when a husband posts an ad on Craigslist saying his wife is into that without her knowledge and she in turn isn't into that. It's called evolution.
Here's a fun story about New York guy who's under arrest for licking some girl's feet in a public library. Wait, it gets better. When asked why he did this he went on a rant about Obama and how he set him up. I like this guy's style.
If you're too young to remember when "Embrace of the Vampire" came out then I'm sorry for you. The 1995 flick where Alyssa Milano pretty much just got busy with anyone who came on screen was pretty much the deviant's "Titanic" when I was younger. But good news for the youth of today. A remake of the film is in the works and filming has officially begun with Sharon Hinnendael in the staring role. 99% sure Milano will not be making a surprise cameo in the film.
Oh Halle Berry, where did we go wrong? Not "we" like Halle Berry and I were ever an item. Not that I can confirm at least. I say no comment on the subject. You can draw your own conclusions. But I mean where did we go wrong that you won an Oscar just over ten years ago and now you're starring in "The Hive" which just landed the WWE as its co-financier and co-producer. What's next, Halle? Cinamax porn!? Actually that would be pretty cool.
"Screaming in High Heels" is a new documentary that tells the tale of 2 of the biggest B-movie scream queens of the 80's. Originally edited for TV the full on unrated version of the film will finally see the DVD treatment on August 28th of this year. It'll be a nice walk down memory lane for me to hear Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer talk about the films that made me the man I am today. I should probably hate them shouldn't I.
Craig Bierko has been confirmed for the cast of "Scary Movie 5". I think we'll all sleep a little better tonight.
Two new posters have hit the tubes for Kevin Smith's "Red State" and they're super trippy. One shows a some crazy ass redneck holding a shotgun and the other one shows Smith just after he ousted that fat kid on the internet as world record pizza roll eater. Oh I kid, it's an upside down church, which I assume has some sort of deep meaning. But serious, I bet Smith could school that kid at pizza roll eating.
It's got to be depressing for Joel Schumacher to still be referred to as "the guy who directed 'The Lost Boys" so I'd like to break the trend here. The "DC Cab" director, see what I did there, is set to take on "The Hive" which focuses on a 911 operator who has to take on a killer from her past in order to save the life of a little girl... he also directed "Batman & Robin" and that movie was unwatchable. FYI.
Looking to break away from his father's shadow Jack Osbourne is looking to create a horror film based on the songs of Black Sabbath, the band which was front by his famous father Ozzy. It's a sarcastic riddle, stick with me here. According to the loose details the movies will only feature the band's music and feature themes inspired by the songs, no actual band members will appear in the film. I assume it'll star his sister Kelly though, it would be insane not to highlight that talent.
Good news for fans of soft corn porn, production on "Piranha 3DD" has officially begun. Along with that a whole gang of cast members have been confirmed for the flick that takes the man eating fish to a water park. Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, Chris Zylka, David Koechner, Meagan Tandy, Paul James Jordan, Jean-Luc Bilodeau, Hector Jimenez, Adrian Martinez, and Clu Gulager are all on board and while I don't recognize a single name there I'd bet money at least three of them have been a part of a filmed threeway.
In Real People News:
I'm not say I want to be murdered but if my crazy stalker fan is out there who plans on kidnapping, torturing and then dumping me someplace please make sure it isn't a pile of manure. Because the worst thing about these two bodies found in Indiana is that they were in a pile of horse crap. Well worst thing next to the whole being murdered thing.
And here's a story about a crazy man in California who was arrested in the trailer court he lived in because he was walking around in a Raiders jersey, g-string and a scrunchy wrapped around his manhood while talking to himself. Crazy, right? Who the hell likes the Raiders anymore? Did he think they were filming a new Dr. Dre video or something?