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Horror Headlines: Monday January 27th, 2014

I'm not going to pretend it hasn't been two months since I wrote the news last. I am going to pretend that you've been very upset about it though and sent me dozens upon dozens of emails asking me why I've abandoned you. I am however going to pretend that there's some kid sitting in his bedroom right now reading this, crying his eyes out because the head cheerleader doesn't even know he exists, thinking that maybe things will be OK after all because Joe is writing the news again.

I love TV shows with a solid will they/won't they theme, even when it's based around a mother and son relationship like "Bates Motel". What can I say I'm a sucker for love. So I'm giddy with delight to find new info on the second season of the show which hits A&E on March 3rd. I mean as giddy as you can get when you realize the plot for season two is really just a continuation of season one, Norman continues to lose his crap, his mother tries to cover up some murder type things, a cop starts to catch on and blah blah blah the brother sells drugs or something. You've missed this kind of hot late breaking news haven't you?

I could have sworn Kevin Smith retired 12 years ago but he keeps putting crap out so I'm assuming it's like a Jay-Z type retirement where you announce it to get some attention and then just keep on doing the same crap you've always done. Case in point. "Comes the Krampus!", a new holiday anthology flick he just finished the screenplay for that focuses on everyone's favorite Scandinavian Christmas time monster that eats kids instead of bringing them presents. No real word on next steps for the project but it's planned for a holiday release sometime in the next 10 years.

"Terminator: Genesis", the upcoming "The Terminator" reboot, has apparently lost itself a financial backer. Megan Ellison and her Annapurna Pictures has apparently decided to back out of the project leaving Skydance Productions, which happens to be her brother's production company, to cover the tab. So this really means nothing at all to you and I. The movie is still being made, Arnold Schwarzenegger is still coming back and we're still over a year away from its release. Seriously, how did you survive without this kind of daily coverage to fill your life for the past two months?

ABC has green lit the pilot for "The Visitors", a new series based on a Ray Bradbury short story titled "Zero Hour". In the story the fine people of earth try to fend off an alien attack where the little green men use our own children against us. Seems completely plausible. The other day my 2 year old hit me in the crotch with a Doc McStuffins doll so hard I blacked out for 15 seconds. I can only assume she was being controlled by aliens.

In Real People News: 

How many times have we heard this story my friends? A woman accused another woman of hitting her with a hog stomach and someone ends up getting stabbed in the beck with a pair of scissors. Once, I can really only thing of one time I've heard this story. That one time is just a few seconds ago to be clear.

Let this be a lesson to all the young men out there. When making love to your best gal on the school bus, if she happens to queef during said love making on the school bus do not laugh at her. Because she will elbow you in the balls and you will get in trouble and you will end up on the news. This has been your daily romance advice from Joe. On a side note spell check has no idea what a "queef" is.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday December 12th, 2012

It looks like Barbara Hershey will in fact return to the house that Darth Maul built in "Insidious 2". Currently eyeing an August 30, 2013 release date as of yet we have no details on what the story for the second chapter will be. If I were to guess though I'd say Yoda fights Christopher Lee and a lot of nerds get really pissed.

John McNaughton, the guy who wrote and directed "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer" is returning to the directors chair with a new flick staring Michael Shannon titled "The Harvest". The movie tells the story of a couple who's son is confined to their home due to a rare illness and the neighbor who causes a rift in their lives when she gives him hope of a better life. McNaughton also directed "Wild Things". So you know. Girl on girl pool make out scene.

ABC has decided to put their new paranormal investigation series "Weird Desk" on hold due to production costs and concerns that it might be a little too close to Joss Whedon’s new show "S.H.E.I.L.D." for comfort. This is upsetting, not because I gave a crap about the show, but because I have been planning my own show "Buddies", about 5 friends who hang out at a coffee shop all day and eventually fall for each other, for years now.

For those of you hoping that we may someday get some insight into what caused the zombie outbreak in "The Walking Dead" I've got some bad news for you. The shows creator, Robert Kirkman, has dropped word that he has no interest in exploring the cause and is rather proud that the show has never gone that direction. He also said you're a loser for wanting to know so bad and that you have awful teeth. Alright I added that last part. I'm sorry.

In Real People News: 

A 56 year old mother and her 22 year old daughter may be in hot water because of the porn they've been making for their online video series. Apparently the whole incest thing and filming porn in Florida is a big red no no and may land the duo being put in jail in the near future. I find it shocking that there's no law against a 56 year old having sex on camera. The legal system really is F'ed.

An Indiana man is in jail after he was pulled over for going over 100 miles per hour on his way to his own wedding. Geez, sounds like he was going the wrong way. Am I right fellas? And why do woman always burn the pot roast?

Trailer: ABC's "666 Park Ave"

Okay ABC, my interest has officially been peaked. "666 Park Ave" looks like just the right mix of supernatural fun and cheesy soap opera charm to have me pretty damn excited for your new fall lineup. The new horror series, which is based on a book series by Gabriella Pierce, centers around a couple who experience supernatural occurrences while moving into their dream apartment. The series stars Lost's own Terry O'Quinn, as well as Rachael Taylor, Dave Annable, and Vanessa WIlliams. "666 Park Ave" will air Sunday nights this fall. Check out the official synopsis:

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, May 15th, 2011

I've officially not slept in over 24 hours. Today's news might be an incoherent mess. My big fear here is actually that it will be my best to date and I'll have to start not sleeping for most of the week. I do this for you people! I'm starting to smell.

ABC has officially picked up the new series "666 Park Avenue" which focuses on a couple who tend to an apartment building full of spooky time happenings. Not going to lie I thought they had picked up the show months ago but what the hell do I know. I could be pulling your leg about this entire thing. Maybe there isn't even a show. Maybe ABC isn't even a real station!

Most of us know Caroline Williams as Stretch from "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2" but now the final girl has been cast in a new film titled "Contracted". The film is about a young woman who contracts what she thinks is your average run of the mill STD during a one night stand. Williams will play the girl's mother and confidant when that not so fresh feeling takes over.

BGH's own fancy lad Jon really loved "Daybreakers" so he'll be moistening up his pantaloons when he hears the news that the films directors, the Spierig Brothers, and Ethan Hawke are once again teaming up for a new film. Titled "Predestination", the film follows a secret Government agency who sends their grunts through time to stop murderers and terrorists. Pretty sure there's a new Bruce Willis movie titled "Looper" coming out with almost the same exact plot. I blame you, Jon.

The John Landis produced joint "Some Guy Who Kills People" will see it's way to a DVD release on July 3rd for your viewing pleasure. The DVD will be chock full of commentary, extra footage and the short that inspired the film about a man who snaps and takes out his anger on a group of High School bullies who captured and tortured him. There's also an ice cream parlor, so there's a little something for your sweet tooth, Hans.

In Real People News: 

If you're going to hold up an internet cafe maybe you should think about logging out of Facebook before you go pulling out the gun. Silly internet people.

Soooo 49 headless corpses were found a long the side of the road in Mexico and appear to be related to an ongoing drug war. Please plan your Spring Break festivities accordingly.

Trailers: Oren Peli's "The River", coming up quick

Oren Peli, the man who masterminded the "Paranormal Activity" series, debuts an ambitious new TV show this coming Tuesday night on ABC. Looks intriguing, the big question being how long can they keep the show on the rails given the gimmicky nature of the story. Thankfully I still have a few days left to find ABC on my TV. Can't remember the last show of theirs I actually watched.

Horror Headlines: Monday, January 30th, 2012

This morning on the way to work I saw a pile of old VHS tapes and a used rubber on the sidewalk. Not in the same pile, that would just be weird. Not that the two things being in separate piles isn't weird. Last week I saw two Sega Genesis' on the street. The point of this story is that someone who lives near me is having a crap load more fun then I am.

Eric Powell, creator of "The Goon" comic recently took to his blog to set the record straight on the current status of the big screen adaptation of the book. Despite rumblings around the net the movie is still very much going to happen and the production company behind it is currently looking for funding. I don't know if that means they're having bake sales or something but honestly that doesn't sound too good.

If you're as excited about ABC's "The River" as I am then you're honestly not that excited. It's on Tuesdays. I already have shows on Tuesdays. I'm not even sure I can work it into my schedule. The new website that just launched for it isn't really helping either. Sure it's all animated and crap and sure it's like a fun game but seriously, there's going to be DVR conflicts out the ying yang for this thing.

I love me some Linnea Quigley, I don't care what age. Alright that sounds kind of creepy but the news here is that the lipstick queen will be showing up in "1313: Cougar Cult". The film is set to go direct to DVD (shocker) on February 7th and revolves around a group of college guys who get a summer job working for three older women who actually turn into cougars. I think that's a pun, or a play on words, or a haiku.

I have no idea what these ramblings mean but Nicolas Cage wants to remake "The Wicker Man"... in Japan... and have "Ringu" director Hideo Nakata direct it... and have the main character be a ghost this time. No sarcastic comments here, folks. Someone needs to help this guy.

In Real People News: 

Ever wonder what happens when you're unconscious in a hospital? Well apparently in one Utah hospital what happens is you get some free oral sex. Weather you want it or not. But you know you wanted it. Sinner.

A homeless man has been rescued after he was stuck in mud for over three days near the Rio Grande. He then went to jail because he had a number of outstanding warrants. It's a happy ending.

Horror Headlines: Thursday September 22nd, 2011

Charlize Theron has signed on to play an investigator trying to solve a case involving a brutal murder where things might not be as they seem in a new thriller titled "Cities of Refuge". She's also signed on to look fabulous at this year's Oscars! There's really not much else in the way of details on this one so I'm kind of stretching.

Well here's something I never thought I'd type. Raj from "What's Happening" will be in the next Rob Zombie flick!! That's right one Mr. Ernest Thomas, better known as not Rerun has signed on to play the station director of a local rock station in the upcoming witch revenge romp "Lords of Salem". If Zombie can get J.J. Walker then this movie might have some potential.

There's a crap load of horror shows in the works right now and it looks like ABC is looking to create a new drama series based on the book "666 Park Avenue". The show, like the book, will revolve around a couple that move to NYC from the midwest and become managers of a building where the residents have all made deals with the devil. You'd need to make a deal with the devil to find something affordable on the upper east side! Am I right folks? Rent is too damn high.

I'm pretty excited for the US to get its hands on "Haunted Poland", a new Polish flick (seriously!) about a girl who travels back to her home town and encounters evil thanks to a Ouija board, because I'm 99% sure I've met a few of the actresses in the film. And by met I mean thrown 20's at during a bachelor party while they did things I'm positive are illegal in their homelands. Anyway there's a new trailer and poster out for the film that was apparently made for only a thousand dollars. In fairness though a thousand dollars in Poland is pretty much enough to be president, or king or whatever the hell they worship over there. It's cool, I'm Polish so I can mock my people.

In Real People News: 

If there's one thing I've learned about kids it's they will not be ignored. My little bundle of joy will scream like there's no tomorrow if she loses her pacifier. But I guess I should consider myself lucky because here's a Georgia woman who's offspring fired a shotgun through the roof of her van while she was purchasing some drugs. Of course I always find a sitter when I go out for a big score, but that's just me.

I can sum up this one in three words. Decapitation, nipples and hammer. Good luck!

Horror Headlines: Monday, September 19th, 2011

ABC has picked up the rights to a new TV series titled "Jekyll and Hyde" which is based on the classic tale of Frankenstein. I kid. The show will take place in modern day San Francisco and focus on a female detective who tries to hunt down a mad scientist. She also builds a monster out of dead people. I kid again.

The good people over at WWE have snagged the rights to a new post-apocalyptic thriller about a group of survivors who make on last stand as the world comes to an end titled "The Day". I've got to say this actually sounds kind of cool, and as long as they don't go putting Stone Cold Steve Austin in the lead role it might have some potential. You give these kind of thought provoking roles to The Rock obviously.

As a child I had a pretty hefty crush on Meg Foster, she played Evil-Lyn in "Master of the Universe" and was scary and hot at the same time. Now she's been added to the cast of Rob Zombie's "Lords of Salem" as the leader of a witch coven that comes back to haunt modern day Salem. I can not think of a more appropriate role for Foster. With her sexy sexy eyes and frightening as all hell face.

And with the spooky time season coming up it only makes sense that we would get a trailer for "Halloween: XXX Porn Parody", the latest in a string of porns that will probably end up being more entertaining than the remakes they're based on. I hope this one is in theaters though.

In Real People News: 

Here's a story about a Florida kid who snapped on one of his classmates and choked the living crap out of him. And by kid I mean a 12 year old and by choked the crap out of I mean till the other kid passed out. Which must have looked kind of bad ass. I bet he's like the cool Beiber of his school now or something.

It's just like "Weekend at Bernie's"! Two Texas men are under arrest after they delayed reporting their friends death so that they could have a night out on the town with his credit cards. I don't know if they strung him up and took him out with them but I like to think they did. Man that would be funny.

Horror Headlines: Friday May 20th, 2011

I don't care how many love children Arnold Schwarzenegger has had, I want to see him in "Terminator 5". Burn an American flag while your soon to be ex-wife cries in the corner for all I care. But now it looks like Arnold is putting his comeback on hold because of his recent troubles with putting his bim bam inside the maids poom poom and we'll all have to wait to see him return as the great robot one. Be straight with me, "Last Action Hero 2" is never going to happen, is it!

The Israeli slasher flick "Rabies" is all the rage with the kids and now that it's been picked up for US distribution there's a new English version poster out on the town for viewing. Of course I have no idea what makes it an English version. There's no copy other than "Rabies" on it. Is that super English? Anyway the film is about a psycho who's loose in the woods and encounters a group of teenagers. In English!

The Jim Mickle directed vampire hunter apocalypse flick "Stake Land" has finally received a release date and the even better news is I'm going to tell you it. Get ready. Are you ready? It'll hit DVD and Blu-Ray on August 2nd! Kind of anticlimactic isn't it.

TV horror shows don't usually end up working out too well, I'm still waiting to find out who the killer was in "Happy Town", but god bless those nutty TV people because they keep trying. "The River" from Paranormal Activity creator Oren Peli has just picked up by ABC and now has a full trailer. The series will follow a family who goes into the Amazon to find their missing loved one who also happens to be a popular animal show host. If I was a betting man I'd put my money on the show being canceled before we find out what happened to him.

In Real People News: 

When I was in elementary school and I would bring in some candy for myself and the dumb ass teacher would always yell that if I didn't bring enough for everyone I couldn't have it myself. Well Mrs. Wilson here's a 7 year old in Pittsburgh who brought in heroin to his school and started handing it out to his fellow students. Hope you're happy you mean old witch! I blame you for the entire thing.

A Wisconsin man recently ate his 25,000th Big Mac after enjoying the delicious treat for close to 40 years, smashing a record that never existed to begin with. I congratulate the man for this feat but lets make one thing clear, if I had been keeping count I am 99% sure I passed 30K years ago.

Horror Headlines: Monday March 7th, 2011

I have no idea who Shaky Gonzalez is but dear lord his name is Shaky and every time I see it I read "skanky". So Skanky has a movie called "The Last Demonslayer" which is suppose to be a throw back to some of the great genre movies of the 80's. Chock full of medieval goodness and there's a bunch of new stills to get you fired up. Skanky... teehee.

In a recent interview Michelle Rodriguez, who I consider to be the expert on all things pure and holy, hinted that James Cameron's "Avatar 2" will take place under the sea. Of course her character died in the original but that's the magic of being under da sea! Darling it's better down where it's wetter take it from me! Little Mermaid? No one? Move along folks.

"Dylan Dog: Dead of Night" is a new horror/comedy that is apparently based on some sort of comic book that everyone loved. So you're probably excited about the first trailer that's hit the tubes. Or you're really upset about it because it doesn't stay true to the comic book. But remember this, hearing words and seeing moving pictures beats reading 100% of the time. That's just math folks.

ABC has cast Christopher Egan in the lead role in their upcoming series "Poe", based on Edgar Allan Poe. Egan has what appears to be baby soft skin and two delightful pools of dreaminess he calls eyes which from what I understand matches Poe to a T. I also believe I've said too much again. I regret nothing.

In Real People News: 

It's nice when mothers and daughters do things together. Even if that thing is dragging a bus driver from the bus and beating the holy living hell out of her. Not going to lie, I'm getting a little misty just thinking about the beauty of it all.

A Newcastle student has been suspended for tea bagging his teachers tea. I hope he tried to talk his way out of the whole thing by saying he just thought you were suppose to do that and didn't know any better. It could work... never has for me but it could work...

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