Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

My 9 Most Anticipated Horror Films of the Summer

Logan Marshall-Green, Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender, Prometheus

Summer movie season is here in all it's popcorn filled glory. Though as fun and indulgent as this time of year is for film fans, it can often leave horror fans wanting. Yet a strong set of films is on the horizon that should keep genre fans relatively happy throughout their summer break. So without further ado here are the 9 Most Anticipated Summer Genre Films.


9. Piranha 3DD


Date: June 1
Director: John Gulager

Horror Headlines: Friday, December 16th, 2011

I've had a frozen pumpkin pie sitting in my freezer for over two years now and on Christmas I plan on finally eating it. There's a 75% chance I'll become violently ill, which is ok because I could stand to lose a few pounds. Either way I win.

"Gone" sounds like the worst idea for a movie ever imagined. A girl comes home to find her sister missing and is convinced the serial killer who kidnapped her 2 years ago has returned. The best ending for this would be that she just went out for ice cream. But hey, Amanda Seyfried is in it and there's some new posters with her on them. So we should probably see it. You know, to help the economy or whatever.

Dario Argento's "Dracula 3D" has got a new trailer today but I should warn you, it's chock full of spoilers. I should also warn you that it's a new Dario Argento movie so you know it's not good and stuff. I should also warn you that I get very emotional around the holidays so you may have to put up with some random sobbing over the next couple of weeks.

I'm going to come right out and say it, I find Reese Witherspoon adorable. She seems so nice and I'd let her babysit my child in a heartbeat. I know she'd be good at it. And now she's been cast in "The Devil's Knot". A film that sounds like a gay porn but is actually the true life story of The West Memphis Three, a story about 3 teens who were wrongly accused of the murder of three 8-year-old boys. I'm pretty sure this isn't a romantic comedy.

Hot diggity dog! Here's a couple of posters for "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter", a movie based on the book with a title that should give you a pretty good idea of what the movie is about. Did that sentence confuse you? It's like a strange riddle, isn't it? I wrote it and then fell to the floor and convulsed for about 15 minutes.

In Real People News: 

Two things you should never do at McDonald's. Fall asleep there and look at child pornography on your laptop. And for the love of god you should never do those two things together like this guy from Indiana. Of course you should probably never do that first one anywhere.

Horror Headlines: Monday May 2nd, 2011

Anthony Mackie has been added to the cast of the long awaited big screen adaptation of Max Brooks' "World War Z". The cast already includes Mr. Brad Pitt and Mireille Enos and is set to begin filming this summer. Mackie is currently filming "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" and 7 other movies, but I hope he gets some time to really drink the beauty that is Brad Pitt. God, I'd love to just get a lock of his hair or something. I've said too much.

Jane Levy looks like she could be anywhere between 11 and 30, but now she's been added to the cast of the teen Halloween comedy "Fun Size" so that means she's got to be a teen right? Is it creepy that I'm even bringing her age up? Little bit right? Are you uncomfortable? You should be! Anyway, the film focuses on a young girl who takes her little brother trick-r-treating, loses him and then spends the night trying to track him down before her mother finds out. I'm on some sort of watch list now aren't I... damn this site!

Do you love Godzilla? Well then you're sure to have lukewarm feelings about the new spoof "Notzilla: Duke of the Monsters"! Alright, honestly the movie, which already has Patrick Warburton and George Takei attached to it, looks like it could be funny for a half hour or so, but it's currently looking for distribution and the good people behind the film have put out a trailer to get some buzz going. If you have about 1.5 million it could be yours. Won't you help!? Won't somebody think of the children!?

Remember when seeing names like Tony Todd, Kane Hodder and Tiffany Shepis in a cast meant you were going to see a quality film? No, me either, but that doesn't matter because all three have been cast in the new werewolf flick "Hallow Pointe". The story takes place at a bed and breakfast where a couple must fight to stay alive when they find themselves checked in on the night of a full moon. I swear to god if I have to sit through another Kane Hodder sex scene I'm never watching another movie. You've been warned!

In Real People News: 

An empty house near Salem Massachusetts apparently called 911 on it's own after a pipe burst and caused toxic mold to form while the owner was away. Of course, "the man" is trying to say the call, which was just a hand up, was caused by the water shorting out the phone line and sending a random call out to 911 but anyone with an ounce of smarts know it's the work of demon witches from days of old. It's the only explanation.

A father in Queens NY is under arrest after his son brought the father's 8mm hand gun to school and sold it to another student for $3. Of course the father is pissed about the whole being arrested thing but I can't imagine he's too happy about his gun being sold for $3 bucks. You've got to imagine he could of gotten at least twice that.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday April 13th, 2011

Bradley Cooper is reportedly in talks to take the lead role in the much discussed remake of the 90's film "The Crow". Wait what now? Not that Cooper is the greatest actor of all time but I had assumed the remake would be on the discount DVD shelves before it's opening weekend was over. Now, I don't know what to think. Up is down, black is white, Finkle is Einhorn and Einhorn is a man!

If you're like me then you had a lot of questions after you watched the final "Saw" movie. The largest of course being why the hell did I watch 27 of these movies. There was 27 of them right? Well, surprisingly James Wan and Leigh Whannell say that Jigsaw could rise again if they were approached with a new and different idea to get the ball rolling again. Just so we're clear fellas, I will do everything in my power to stop this, and you will have to murder me. Your move gentlemen!

The good people at Paramount have picked up the rights to the Ray Bradbury joint "The Martian Chronicles" with the intentions of making a big screen adaptation of the short story collection. That's kind of obvious though isn't it, Paramount is a movie company so why would they buy the rights to a story if they didn't want to make a movie out of it. I'm sorry I'm so dumb and waste your time like this.

"Dark City" star Rufus Sewell has landed the role of Adam in the upcoming big screen adaptation of the book "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter". For those of you not familiar with the book, Adam is the head vampire and the second greatest enemy of Mr. Lincoln. The first of course being people who hate beards. Because, ya know, he had one and all I guess. I'm not a Social Studies textbook people.

In Real People News: 

Sometimes it's just hard to say goodbye to a loved one. Case in point these twin brothers in Huston who lived in a house with their dead mother for almost 3 months before police arrested them. Wait they arrested them for murder? They killed her? Well, that changes everything doesn't it.

Love will make you do crazy things. Case in point this police officer in Miami who threatened his girlfriend with a gun, verbally assaulted her and dragged her around the house by her hair. Why would he do this? Word is, she wouldn't hold his hand. I don't like to judge, but he might of overreacted a bit. What do I know though?

Horror Headlines: Friday March 18th, 2011

Alan Tudyk has signed on to play Stephen A. Douglas in the big screen adaptation of "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter". It's funny because Alan is best know as playing Steve the Pirate in "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story". If at any point you thought, "Oh does he mean that guy from 'Firefly'?" then I'm going to ask you to leave right now.

Chris Pine, Alex Pettyfer and Shia LaBeouf are all expressing inner desires to play the lead role in the silver screen version of "Preacher". Pettyfer is the only one keeping me from being completely enraged about this and that's only because I have no freakin clue who he is. What's that? The kid from "Beastly" you say? Super! Maybe we can get Kevin Smith to direct and we can just call it a day.

If you don't know who Ray Harryhausen is then you don't know the joys of weird ass stop motion animation of years gone by. You should, that's the point I'm making. Well if not there's a new documentary about the man behind the effect of such classics as "Clash of the Titans" (the good one) and "Jason and the Argonauts" titled "Ray Harryhausen: Special Effects Titan". Bubo, look it up.

In the wake of the recent tragedies in Japan Legendary Pictures has asked Guillermo del Toro to revise the screenplay for his upcoming disaster film "Pacific Rim". The movie focuses around the a group of monsters that attack the earth and threaten to end us all. Click here for ways that you can help in the relief effort.

In Real People News: 

For the love of god you can't do anything without some jackass videotaping you, putting it on the internet and getting you arrested. You're driving a school bus like this women in Connecticut and you do a little texting, say 1,068 texts, and all of the sudden you're on video and going to jail. Alright in this case the video was being captured because you were already being investigated for abusing the special needs children you're suppose to be driving. Oh yeah it was special needs kids that you were putting in danger. Still! Technology kind of sucks.

And if you haven't already seen this video of a snake biting a woman's giant fake boob then you're in for a treat... and possibly some vomiting. Apparently the snake died of silicone poisoning after the attack which I will go on record as saying is good. because snakes are awful creatures that serve no purpose in the world but to be terrible. Happy Friday, kids.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday February 2nd, 2011

For those of you who have been anxiously awaiting a remake of "The Gate" there's good news and bad news. The good news is they've gone into pre-production so there is in fact going to be a movie. The bad news is there won't be any filming in the near future because apparently all the 3D magic going into the production is going to take a long ass time to set up. It's called ying and yang folks, Google it.

"Choose" is a new indie horror flick that apparently opens with a girl having to decide which parent a slasher kills. The new trailer is up on the tubes and looks pretty awesome I must say. Unfortunately there's no US release date yet for us while the UK already has this one sitting on their DVD shelves. But fear not, I think they still love techno music over there so everything kind of evens out.

What the hell After Dark Originals?! I get all excited about your films and then I found out tha "Husk" will be hitting the airwaves this weekend on Syfy. You can't show nudity on Syfy, you can't show guts flying on Syfy and you sure as hell can't have a good movie on Syfy. Except the ones with Debbie Gibson in them, those things are freakin gold.

I don't care if you think Joaquin Phoenix is a jackass that man has got talent. And not the sarcastic type I usually make, the guy is an awesome actor and now he's supposedly the front runner to play our former president in the big screen version of "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter". Seriously, did you see "We Own the Night"? I will fight you!

In Real People News: 

When you finally decide on a tattoo you don't want to wait, no matter how drunk you are. Unfortunately for this woman in Kentucky she was a little too drunk and got shot down by her local tattoo artist. She of course then got in her truck and destroyed the shop and then went on to take her vengeance out on some gravestones. If you love Winger you want people to know.

Yes I know smuggling drugs across the border is bad but you know what is awesome? Doing it with giant catapults! Still very much illegal though so probably not the best idea. Again though, awesome.

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