the crow

Horror Headlines: Monday February 14th, 2011

Carlos Fresnadillo, the guy who brought you "28 Weeks Later", my second favorite of all the "amount of time later" films, is now the latest name being bounced around to direct the on again off again "The Crow" reboot. Eric Draven is also being rumored to take the lead role but since nothing is confirmed I'd like to announce that I am officially the front runner to take the role.

A few years back I got all excited when I found a "Night of the Living Dead" remake done in 3D staring Sid Haid in Target. I bought it, brought it home and watched a big giant disappointing turd, in 3D. Well they made a sequel titled "Night of the Living Dead 3D: Resurrection" and Andrew Divoff has been confirmed as playing the lead in the film. Learn from my mistakes people.

Not going to lie, I thought "11-11-11" was the dumbest name for a movie ever but now there's a teaser for the film, which has yet to be completed, and it looks pretty damn creepy. It's also got giant shrubs trimmed into cool shapes and I'm a sucker for clever landscaping. I've never hidden that fact.

Get ready kids because March 5th "Re-Animator the Musical" hits Los Angeles. Not some crappy art student knock off either, Stuart Gordon is producing and directing the stage version and what's better is the theater has a splash zone. I assume that means blood might be flying and not that there's a dolphin show going on. Maybe a bloody dolphin show, that would be awesome. PETA would throw a fit though.

In Real People News: 

A 48 year old window washer in Florida is being brought up on charges after a woman caught him manhandling himself while doing his "job". Apparently the best thing he could come up with to say was "I'm almost done", which honestly could have meant a number of things at that point.

Germans, they're freakin nuts! They've got a cross eyed possum named Heidi that apparently can predict the Oscars. Of course the possum is going to be on "Jimmy Kimmel Show" so if you think about it there's a German cross eyed possum out there with a better life than most of us. Have fun crying yourself to sleep.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 22nd, 2010

Danish filmmaker Ole Bornedal is confirmed to be directing the Sam Raimi produced film "Dibbuk Box". The movie is apparently based on real life events that happened to a family who came into possession of a haunted box. I'm not sure how big the box was but one possible solution could have been to just throw it out. I'm just tossing out ideas here though.

Wait there's a remake of "The Crow" in the works? Why didn't anyone tell me about this? Time to bust out my skin tight leather pants! I hope they still fit, it's been over 15 years. Oh and Stephen Norrington, the director who was attached to it said he's left the project. But still, "The Crow" remake!

Now I'm going to address the fine people behind "The Frankenstein Syndrome" When you cast Tiffany Shepis in your movie I have some expectations of what I'm going to see. I'm not going to say what those things are but you take a look at these new stills from the film and try to guess. Here's a hint, it isn't a creepy mask covering up her face... or a creepy shirt.

Don Coscarelli, the guy who brought us "Phantasm" and "Bubba Ho-Tep", has officially been tapped to direct David Wong's "John Dies at the End". The cast right now also includes Paul Giamatti, Clancy Brown, Angus Scrimm, Chase Williamson, and Rob Mayes. I assume one of them will play someone named "John" who will most likely die at the end of the movie.

In Real People News: 

If this doesn't warm your heart I don't know what will. A 5 year old boy in Syria has become engaged to a 3 year old girl. I have no idea how or why something like that could be legal in any country, but that doesn't make it any less adorable.

On this day in history: 

1962 - President John F. Kennedy announced an air and naval blockade of Cuba, following the discovery of Soviet missile bases on the island

9 Over-done Halloween Costumes

As Andy Williams once sang, "It's the most wonderful time of the year"! Sure, he was talking about a different holiday, but I think you'll all agree with me that the statement is just as fitting for Halloween! It's a time to get spooky, a time to get scary. A time to transform yourself into a wholly different character that resembles nothing of your true self and be somebody else for a night!

And who doesn't love that?

Horror Headlines: Wednesday July 28th, 2010

If you've been dying to find out more about John Carpenter's next flick, you're in luck! The doors are now open to the official website for "The Ward".

Paramount is wanting to jump in on the encroaching alien bandwagon coming for 2011 as Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes snatches up the rights to an untitled alien thriller from Bobby Glickert. Little is known about the project at this time other than they claim it is a cross between "Cloverfield" and "Paranormal Activity".

Darren Aronofsky's proposed "Robocop" remake appears to be the first project to be thrown out as MGM prepares for impending doom with their $3.7 billion debt.

In an odd twist, moody singer Nick Cave has been brought in to pen a remake of "The Crow". At least cave has a firm grasp on that whole 'dark and brooding' atmosphere that "The Crow" loves so much.

In Real People News: 

U.S. troops are happy to share their knowledge and training with their counterparts on the Afghani Police Force, except for the issues with the Afghani Policemen getting stoned while out on patrol.

A University of Minnesota Dr. has cured a woman's intestinal bacteria and diarrhea problems by transplanting her husbands feces into her colon. The term 'fudge packing' has officially been retitled 'fecal transplantation'.

On this day in history: 

1945 - A US Army B-25 bomber crashes into the Empire State Building between the 78th and 79th floors. An engine plunges down an elevator shaft, sparking a fire in the basement. Eleven people in the building are killed, in addition to the three man bomber crew.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday October 21th, 2009

If you were offended by that recent sex-ed campaign featuring Hitler, I'm guessing "The Final Solution" isn't going to be up your alley. You'll find the poster at the link, although I'm not sure who is going to want to hang that baby on their wall.

New poster for "The Fourth Kind" reveals what "The Fourth Kind" stands for. I'm pretty excited for this one.

This "True Blood" jewelry in HBO's online store might help explain why I have no interest in watching "True Blood".

In Real People News: 

This guy has sex with ponies. Not horses, PONIES. For some reason that's actually worse to me.

I don't want to hear how bad the economy is, until you're chopping your balls off so you can become a begger.

Speaking of India, they make witches eat poop. Not much need for setup on that one.

On this day in history: 

1997: Hotel owners in the Detroit area meet to discuss suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian's practice of leaving corpses in their hotel rooms.

Horror Headlines: Friday July 10th, 2009

So you almost got two days of Louis this week. Almost. You see, Eric emailed me early yesterday morning saying that he had swine flu or something and would I do the news. That's great, but I didn't wake up until a little after noon. I then had some leftover pot roast. And then I considered rubbing one out, but instead decided on another helping of pot roast. By the time I checked my email, it was two in the afternoon and I had officially failed at life. Depressed, I went back to bed and just woke up right now. So I slept like over 30 hours. Here's your news!

Over at our distinguished competition, Dread Central, they have announced that, along with something called Home Media Magazine, that they are launching the “Reaper Awards”. The “judges” are veritable who's who in the horror mag/blog community—so they're no one important in real life—and they promise to “honor horror films as they are meant to be seen – raw and uncensored.” For a preview of this year's “best picture” winner, keep watching the sidebars and pop-ups of Dread Central for who ever is paying for the most ad-space—so far the winner is “The Unborn”, which is now available on DVD!

Earlier this week, Eric reported about Stephen Norrington and his upcoming re-imagining/remake/redux/reboot of “The Crow”. Apparently, in addition to that, him and Stephen Dorff are working on a prequel to “Blade”—a prequel trilogy, no less—featuring the origin and history of, no, not Blade, but Deacon Frost, the good-looking hipster vamp played by Dorff in the first film. That's like creating a trilogy based around the history of, say, Doctor Octopus before he became Doctor Octopus. Mark my words: this movie will never, ever get made. If anything, it was probably just some late-night pillow talk between Norrington and Dorff. But they can dream...

Merry Old England is releasing their first ever 3-D horror film, titled, whimsically enough, “Elfie Hopkins and the Gammons”. Based on the British novel “I Gots Gribblesnorts In Me Pockets!”, filmgoers will thrill to the sight of Shepard's Pie, bad teeth, the loss of the original thirteen colonies, Margaret Thatcher and a skinhead soccer hooligan coming right off the screen and head-butting them in patented “Fook Off You Wanker-vision!” The first two-hundred viewers will also get a free Dixie Cup of warm, stale Guinness.

As you may know, coming straight to video is “Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever” and apparently “Hostel Part 3”. While frat-splat director Eli Roth will not be involved with these sequels, he'll completely admit to “double-teaming some Kappa Pi bitch” at last weekend's “Sigma Epsilon Night to Remember Beer-Bash for Cystic Fibrosis”, which he sealed with a high-five and a “Fuck yeah, bro!” as he downed his sixth Natty L this morning. His eyebrows had no comment.

In Real People News: 

I live in Fort Collins, Colorado. While we have more hippies than horror-fans, we seem to have an overabundance of furries. Just picture it...people dressed in animal costumes, sweating like a mascot in the hot August sun, rubbing their stinky, dreadlocked genitals against each other...maybe this is what people talk about when they say that if we legalize gay marriage, next we'll make marriage to animals legal, because I can seriously see some of these guys doing that. Gays, I think you know where to direct your anger at! Either way, a local furry woman, Richael Michels, 45, who resembles a trashy truck-stop ocelot, gave paw-jobs to an underage furry she met at, yes, the Fort Collins Furmeet. Local furries have come out against her actions, but not against rubbing their boners inside a scratching post while no one's looking at PetSmart. Even worse, some parent is going to read these articles and realize what a total sexual loser they have raised.

You might call it disrespectful, but I think that reselling grave-plots not only shows real initiative and ingenuity, but it's also a great way to “go green”. Literally. Regardless, why is everyone so mad? It's not like your dead loved ones really care where they're buried...unless they are still alive, in which case, double props to the property owners for double checking! Don't hate the player, hate the game!

On this day in history: 

In 1796, German mathematician and scientist Carl Friedrich Gauss discovered that “every positive integer is representable as a sum of at most three triangular numbers”. He didn't have time to bask in the glory, however, as his head was quickly shoved in the toilet and his pantaloons stretched up his crack by three jocks chanting “Nerd! Nerd! Nerd!”.

Have a great weekend everyone, see you next Friday. Until then, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!

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