Snow Piercer

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, February 28th, 2011

Do they still make Veryfine drinks? When I was in High School the grape was like pure cocaine to me. I'm pretty sure there isn't an ounce of actual juice in there but it was delicious. One time a buddy of mine made me laugh so hard that the grape drink shot out my nose in front of a group of upper class girls. I don't mean they were really classy. They were actually a bunch of hippies and kind of smelled. But they were two grades ahead of me. Whatever you call that.

"Snow Piercer", a new film about a group of people trapped on a train after the world freezes over, has gotten itself a pretty dandy cast so far. Tilda Swinton, John hurt and Chris Evans to name a few. And now Ewen Bremner, the guy who played Spud in "Trainspotting", has joined the cast. Why that's the second most famous Ewen in that movie! Gold baby, this picture's going to be gold!

Let me be Joe with you for a second. I love me some Halloween and I love me some comedy. So I'm pretty excited for the new horror/comedy "Fun Size" about a teenager who loses her little brother on Halloween. It's got everything I love! But now the film has been pushed back two weeks to an October 26th theater release. Which I guess makes perfect sense since that's Halloween weekend. Ignore my disappointment. I'm so stupid sometimes.

If you had the same kind of Oscar fever as I did then you enjoyed watching "The Walking Dead" this past Sunday night. Get it? Cause "The Walking Dead" was on at the same time as the Oscars so I'm saying I didn't even watch them. God I hate you. Colin Vaines produced "My Week with Marilyn" and I'm 75% sure that was nominated for something so let's get excited about him developing a "classic ghost story" with writer David Pirie. No details on the plot or title, but it's the Oscars, baby, Gold! It's all going to be gold.

"Mirror Mirror" is apparently a retelling of Snow White that stars Julia Roberts as the evil witch. Mother of god I hate Julia Roberts. She's the female Billy Crystal. Jason Keller is one of the writers on the project and he just sold a new Dracula story to Sony. Please try not to get this mixed up with the 19 other Dracula movies in the works and the 14 TV shows based on the classic blood sucker being developed. Feel free to confuse it with my fan fiction though. My site Draculainjersey.org could use the hits.

In Real People News: 

A sex sting bust that features a man trying to contract a disease from a hooker? Of course this happened in Florida.

I have no idea how this would work but a South Carolinaman is in trouble after he sawed off a person's hand so that he an two others could collect an insurance payout. Is that possible? Will someone give me their hand? I'll split the money with you.

Horror Headlines: Friday, February 3rd, 2012

This Sunday is the Super Bowl and I could not be more excited. Not about the stupid game or that witch Madonna prancing around in her mom jeans during half time. No it's a special day when I can really tie one on and eat the most awful things in the world. Not that that doesn't happen on a lot of other days but on Super Bowl Sunday you don't have to feel as bad about it. I'm pretty sure there's some kind of internal calendar that makes a 12 pack and 37 wings not count against your calorie intake for the day.

In a recent poll that I conducted in my head it was determined that 100% of women in America hate Katherine Heigl. The number 1 reason? I think she's hot and women hate any woman that takes my attention away from them. What a country! So no woman is going to want to see "Face Blind", which stars Heigl as a woman who suffers from a rare illness that makes it impossible for her to distinguish people by their faces. Do you have dreams where you have this and everyone looks like me? I bet you do. Silly goose.

I can't think of anyone who's actually excited about the NBC reboot of "The Munsters" but then again I don't really talk to a lot of people. If you're not up to speed the show is going to be based on the original TV series that focused on a family of monsters but will have a much darker tone. And today it looks like NBC has announced they'll be calling the show "Mockingbird Lane" rather than sticking with the original title. They're also dropping all the monsters and making the show about a group of college girls trying to make it on their own. That last part is just a guess.

A lot of people thought "Insidious" was a dandy movie. But then again a lot of people think those LMFAO jackasses are talented. What the hell is with the robot!? But just as they will keep making music it looks like James Wan will return for the inevitable sequel to least year's surprise hit. No plot or cast has been announced but it looks like the same production team and writer Leigh Whannell will return. I just hope they get that weird red faced guy to return also. And that old lady who screwed Woody Harrelson in "Kingpin". She always makes me laugh.

Octavia Spencer is Hollywood's sweetheart right now and I have nothing bad to say about that. Other than her eyes kind of freak me out. But that's it. So here's some news about her joining the cast of "Snow Piercer", a movie about a group trapped on a train after the world is frozen over. Tilda Swinton is in the movie too. She also kind of weirds me out but seems very nice. We all learned something about each other today didn't we?

In Real People News: 

A Florida woman is under arrest after she refused to take a breathalyzer claiming she was incapable of taking one "with her big boobies". There's a mug shot in the article. It's extremely disappointing.

I don't know what the definition of a "happy ending" is for massage parlors in Pennsylvania but I'm 99% sure it doesn't involve shooting the customer in the head. I don't know for sure though. They call their subs "hoagies" out there. Freaks.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, January 25th, 2012

Tonight I'm going to Hooters with some former co-workers and I'm not going to lie, I had some trouble sleeping last night from all the excitement. I've been listening to the band Hatebreed all day getting myself pumped up for the big event. If you've never been and you think Hooters is depressing then I suggest you come to the one in NYC because you're 100% right. You see in a lot of locations Hooters gets really hot girls to work there but in the city there's really expensive restaurants where girls can get really big tips and not have to be harassed by drunk pricks downing wings.

How the hell the Germans have kept this clip from "Psycho" a secret for so long is beyond me but here it is, extended scenes from some of the film's classic shots that were apparently too hot for us American's back in the day but were A-OK for the Krauts. I wonder if they have the real ending for "The Sopranos" sitting around somewhere too.

"Snow Piercer" sounds like the name of a terrible cover band but it turns out it's the titled of Bong Joon-ho's new film. The movie tells the story of a group of people trapped on a train after the earth has been completely frozen. Who would you want as a fellow passenger on that train? If you said "Alien" alum John Hurt then you're in luck because he's been confirmed for the cast. If you said anyone other than him though you're kind of screwed.

Yesterday I told you how "The Crow" remake looks to be back on and today it appears a new writer and director have already been selected. Jesse Wigutow, who wrote some short films I will never see has been tapped to pen the script and F. Javier Gutierrez who directed "Before the Fall" which I'm 75% sure I saw will take the lead. Seriously, if you've never been to Hooters you should give it a shot. Their wings are so god damn good.

This can't be good news. It looks like that Lily Collins has officially dropped out from the lead role in the upcoming remake of "The Evil Dead". Apparently the drop out is because of "date issues". I assume this means she wants to go out on a date with me and just found out I'm married so she's too depressed to act. That's just my guess.

In Real People News: 

Managers of a park in England are toying with the idea of releasing honey bees in order to deter vandals from damaging historic buildings. I think the way this goes is they release the bees, then they need to release birds to eat the bees, then something else. It all ends with giant shark robots killing us all.

Here's a smart guy who decided to lock himself in an airplane bathroom and smoke some pot. I don't know if he also tried to tamper with the smoke detector but I'm pretty sure that alone will get you the chair.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, January 18th, 2012

This past weekend I put a bunch of those plastic insulation things over the windows in our apartment. It's like my wife, child and I are now trapped in a giant bubble of warmth. My only worry now is what if a skunk ever breaks into our place and starts shooting his stink all over the place? What do we do? We can't open the windows! We'll be trapped breathing in skunk stink for the next 3 to 4 months. Oh god the living will envy the dead.

Mark this down, I am the first one to go on record as saying "Playback" is going to kick ass. Please keep in mind also I make this claim after doing zero research on the movie other than viewing the new trailer. But Christian Slater is in it and the movie's about some guy who filmed himself killing his family and then somehow mind travels into the body of some kid who watches the videos. Tell me that doesn't sound amazing? It's like "Shocker" meets "The Poughkeepsie Tapes" with a dash of some other movie I can't think of but will make me sound really legit once it comes to me.

"Chronicle" is a new flick about a group of boys who discover they have the power to move things... WITH THEIR MINDS! And what would any red blooded American teenage boy do if he got these powers? Figure out a way to look up girls skirts of course. Proof is in this new clip from the film. I hope I didn't spoil the end for you.

And here's a clip from "The Grey". A movie where Liam Neeson battles wolfs in the middle of the Alaska after his plane crashes. I don't know what it is but there's something about Liam Neeson telling a group of people to "be cool" that makes me feel like everything that's wrong in the world is going to be right. You ever get that? You will... you will.

Jamie Bell and Tilda Swinton look to be in talks to star in a new film from "Host" director Bong Joon-ho titled "Snow Piercer". Chris Evans is already on board for the flick which focuses on that last remaining people on earth who are trapped on a train after the second ice age comes. Because that's what people always say, when the end comes the only thing that will be left is cockroaches and trains. Or something like that.

In Real People News: 

If there's one thing I've learned in my 10+ years of working NYC it's people do not give a crap what's going on during their commute. If you need proof here's a story about a woman who gave birth yesterday on her NJ transit train while coming into the city. I don't know if any of you have ever been on the trains from NJ to NYC but honestly the back of a garbage truck is probably a more sanitary place to have a kid. Not an empty one either, a full garbage truck full of dirty baby dippers. Wouldn't that be ironic?

Haha Canada! You simple simple people. I kid, I love your maple syrup, I can't quit you. But a bunch of people up in the great north are pissed off after they bought fake iPad 2's from a number of different electronic stores in the Vancouver area. How did they know they were fake? Because they were made out of modeling clay. God I love maple syrup.

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