Chris Evans

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, February 28th, 2011

Do they still make Veryfine drinks? When I was in High School the grape was like pure cocaine to me. I'm pretty sure there isn't an ounce of actual juice in there but it was delicious. One time a buddy of mine made me laugh so hard that the grape drink shot out my nose in front of a group of upper class girls. I don't mean they were really classy. They were actually a bunch of hippies and kind of smelled. But they were two grades ahead of me. Whatever you call that.

"Snow Piercer", a new film about a group of people trapped on a train after the world freezes over, has gotten itself a pretty dandy cast so far. Tilda Swinton, John hurt and Chris Evans to name a few. And now Ewen Bremner, the guy who played Spud in "Trainspotting", has joined the cast. Why that's the second most famous Ewen in that movie! Gold baby, this picture's going to be gold!

Let me be Joe with you for a second. I love me some Halloween and I love me some comedy. So I'm pretty excited for the new horror/comedy "Fun Size" about a teenager who loses her little brother on Halloween. It's got everything I love! But now the film has been pushed back two weeks to an October 26th theater release. Which I guess makes perfect sense since that's Halloween weekend. Ignore my disappointment. I'm so stupid sometimes.

If you had the same kind of Oscar fever as I did then you enjoyed watching "The Walking Dead" this past Sunday night. Get it? Cause "The Walking Dead" was on at the same time as the Oscars so I'm saying I didn't even watch them. God I hate you. Colin Vaines produced "My Week with Marilyn" and I'm 75% sure that was nominated for something so let's get excited about him developing a "classic ghost story" with writer David Pirie. No details on the plot or title, but it's the Oscars, baby, Gold! It's all going to be gold.

"Mirror Mirror" is apparently a retelling of Snow White that stars Julia Roberts as the evil witch. Mother of god I hate Julia Roberts. She's the female Billy Crystal. Jason Keller is one of the writers on the project and he just sold a new Dracula story to Sony. Please try not to get this mixed up with the 19 other Dracula movies in the works and the 14 TV shows based on the classic blood sucker being developed. Feel free to confuse it with my fan fiction though. My site Draculainjersey.org could use the hits.

In Real People News: 

A sex sting bust that features a man trying to contract a disease from a hooker? Of course this happened in Florida.

I have no idea how this would work but a South Carolinaman is in trouble after he sawed off a person's hand so that he an two others could collect an insurance payout. Is that possible? Will someone give me their hand? I'll split the money with you.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, January 18th, 2012

This past weekend I put a bunch of those plastic insulation things over the windows in our apartment. It's like my wife, child and I are now trapped in a giant bubble of warmth. My only worry now is what if a skunk ever breaks into our place and starts shooting his stink all over the place? What do we do? We can't open the windows! We'll be trapped breathing in skunk stink for the next 3 to 4 months. Oh god the living will envy the dead.

Mark this down, I am the first one to go on record as saying "Playback" is going to kick ass. Please keep in mind also I make this claim after doing zero research on the movie other than viewing the new trailer. But Christian Slater is in it and the movie's about some guy who filmed himself killing his family and then somehow mind travels into the body of some kid who watches the videos. Tell me that doesn't sound amazing? It's like "Shocker" meets "The Poughkeepsie Tapes" with a dash of some other movie I can't think of but will make me sound really legit once it comes to me.

"Chronicle" is a new flick about a group of boys who discover they have the power to move things... WITH THEIR MINDS! And what would any red blooded American teenage boy do if he got these powers? Figure out a way to look up girls skirts of course. Proof is in this new clip from the film. I hope I didn't spoil the end for you.

And here's a clip from "The Grey". A movie where Liam Neeson battles wolfs in the middle of the Alaska after his plane crashes. I don't know what it is but there's something about Liam Neeson telling a group of people to "be cool" that makes me feel like everything that's wrong in the world is going to be right. You ever get that? You will... you will.

Jamie Bell and Tilda Swinton look to be in talks to star in a new film from "Host" director Bong Joon-ho titled "Snow Piercer". Chris Evans is already on board for the flick which focuses on that last remaining people on earth who are trapped on a train after the second ice age comes. Because that's what people always say, when the end comes the only thing that will be left is cockroaches and trains. Or something like that.

In Real People News: 

If there's one thing I've learned in my 10+ years of working NYC it's people do not give a crap what's going on during their commute. If you need proof here's a story about a woman who gave birth yesterday on her NJ transit train while coming into the city. I don't know if any of you have ever been on the trains from NJ to NYC but honestly the back of a garbage truck is probably a more sanitary place to have a kid. Not an empty one either, a full garbage truck full of dirty baby dippers. Wouldn't that be ironic?

Haha Canada! You simple simple people. I kid, I love your maple syrup, I can't quit you. But a bunch of people up in the great north are pissed off after they bought fake iPad 2's from a number of different electronic stores in the Vancouver area. How did they know they were fake? Because they were made out of modeling clay. God I love maple syrup.

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