And I'm back! Well, sort of. I mean I never really went away. I've been here the whole time. I'm just in a different state now and I've run out of excuses as to why I can't do the news. I mean I still have the same one I use all the time, "I'm a fat lazy prick" but that one doesn't really fly as well as "hey we're moving across the country and I have no internet". So the point I'm making here is I'm back at the news desk. I might not be wearing pants though... I'm 100% not wearing pants.
For those of you who have been waiting around for "The Healer", staring the creepy girl from "Orphan" Isabelle Fuhrman, I'm sorry to say it isn't going to happen. It isn't going to happen because the film, about a girl and her father who go camping to try to reconnect and find themselves in haunted territory, has been renamed "The Between". I'm sorry I toyed with your emotions back there. You look adorable when you're frightened though.
Why the hell anyone would want to see "Paranormal Activity 4" in Imax is beyond me but that isn't stopping the folks behind the film from announcing that the next chapter in the spooky camera series will find it's way to roughly 300 large screen on October 18th. They announced it because it's happening. I thought that was sort of implied though. Stupid.
Hey... HEY. Have you ever seen a found footage film... about weed? Well you're not going to see it here but we are going to the African outback with "Safari". If you couldn't have guessed the film is about a group of explorers who find themselves trapped in the desert with all the animals, heat and everything else that would make you wonder why anyone would ever want to go on a safari. You know they have a Safari ride down in Disney World right? There's literally 0 reasons you ever have to go to Africa.
I love the movie "Trollhunter" and I want Andre Ovredal, the director of said film, to sit on my face. Alright maybe that's a bit too far but god damn I love that movie so I'm super excited about the director's next project which is titled "Enormous". Based on the comic of the same name the movie will tell the tale of a world where monsters rule us all. I mean not all of us I guess, no monster is going to rule Brad Pitt. That guy is way too dreamy to be ruled.
In Real People News:
I'm not sure there's ever a reason to microwave a cat but this kid in the UK is convinced his was talking to him and that he had no other choice. Insert your own jokes here, I'd suggest something to do with the awful smell.
Police in New Mexico had to deal with a nut job the old fashioned way after they found him having a heated argument with a stop sign and not being the least bit effected when they tasered his ass. The old fashioned way I speak of it beating the crap out of him. This is America god damn it.
I've yet to really figure out if "The Mechanical Grave" is some weird low budget steampunk mess or some really high budget porno but from the lack of dry humping in the new trailer I'm afraid it might be the first. Because of that I got bored when I was reading the description but it looks like it's some sort of murder mystery set in the 1800's where steam powered robots run around and crap. If this does turn out to be a porn just tag on "and then they screw" to that description.
Lizzy Caplan, who was the freaky girl in "Mean Girls" and then the easy girl in "True Blood and "Party Down" is the latest name to be tossed into the "Warm Bodies" ring. For those of you not familiar with the book which the film is being based on it follows a zombie who falls in love with a living girl. And then the screw. Again, only in the porn version.
"The Healer" is a new flick about two teenage girls who go on a camping trip only to find themselves lost in the haunted woods. Seriously, every story sounds like porn today I know. But Peter Bogdanovich, who I thought was dead, looks to be joining the cast and I'm 99% sure that guy has never done porn in his life. Or at least he didn't do it under that name. Might have used the name Rod Steele or something cool like that.
"Undocumented" follows a group of film makers who set out to make a documentary about illegal immigration and find themselves being interrogated by the the US border patrol after they follow a group of Mexicans trying to cross the border. Then I think they get the crap kicked out of them or something, the trailer isn't very clear. I don't know but it makes me love freedom.
In Real People News:
I have no idea why you would do this but here's a story about a woman who died shortly after she injected hot beef fat into her face. I don't know why but I intend to find out.
And speaking of things I don't know understand. Here's a guy who tried to burn off his genitals on a BBQ in a public park. Enjoy.