Jurassic park 4

Horror Headlines: Friday March 15th, 2013

George Romero's 1981 film "Knightriders", possibly the only one he's ever made that makes the original "The Crazies" look tolerable, is finding its way to Blu-Ray on April 22. For those of you not familiar with the flick (check out our podcast but only pay attention to my opinion) it's about a group of medieval re-enactors who ride on motorcycles rather than horses. I'm not kidding. Oh and Tom Savini wears a speedo. It's awful.

Colin Trevorrow has been hand selected to direct "Jurassic Park 4" after a extensive search. Producer Steven Spielberg spent 4 weeks in the Amazon surviving only on what he hunted and smoking opium before traveling to the tallest mountain in the forest to meet his spirit animal who reportedly told him Trevorrow would be the right man for the job. He then traveled to the director's home and forced him at gun point to slaughter four chickens, two rabbits and one goat to solidify the deal. It's Jurassic god damn Park people. This shouldn't be taken lightly.

"Aftershock", Nicolas Lopez's English debut starring Eli Roth, will find it's way into limited theaters on May 10. Selena Gomez also pops up in the film about a group of travelers in Chile who find themselves trying to survive after an earthquake hits. Apparently in Chile people go around killing each other with axes when a earthquake hits. It's a strange wondrous land. Never visit it.

Paul W.S. Anderson will apparently return again to direct "Resident Evil 6". Oh man they got him? Sometimes you just get lucky.

In Real People News: 

Two geniuses in Utah are under arrest after they thought they could scam a doughnut shop by eating the some tasty treats with razor blades stuffed inside. It didn't work. They're in jail now.

A Milwaukee man is under arrest after he body slammed a security guard at his local DMV. The best part? It was all caught on video. Technology is the best thing ever.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday February 20th, 2013

It's confirmed folks, "Star Wars" "Jurassic Park". I know it seems kind of obvious but Kathleen Kennedy has made it official by stepping down from the producer role on the fourth installment of the dino series in order to take on that role in the next "Star Wars" film. Han Solo battling a T-Rex. Now that's a movie I'd like to see.

Jason Clarke, of big old drunk in "Lawless" fame, is the latest name to be tagged to "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes". No real word on what role he'll play but I swear to god if there's a drinking monkey in this movie it will be my favorite film of the year.

Because it would kill me to go more than three days without some casting news for the new "Zombieland" series coming to Amazon here's some news about Kirk Ward being confirmed for a role. Ward will play one of the leads in the series, I assume based solely on the fact that he looks a lot like Woody Harrelson.

I don't know why you have to make a movie about a clown returning from the grave to bring vengeance on a group of kids that let him die but "Stitches" is just such a film. It's also a film that's been slapped with an April 1st release date on VOD and Blu-Ray. April fools day, I get it. Honestly though they could just show a bunch of real clowns sitting around drinking coffee and it would be scary as hell.

In Real People News: 

The new law I learned this week? Apparently it's illegal to drive around Michigan while sucking on a dildo. Put it in the books.

It's got to be exciting when you win the lottery. So exciting that you'll probably want to throw a party. Maybe such a big party that you mistakenly blow up your house while torching up some meth. It is nice to see some younger folks winning for once at least.

Horror Headlines: Monday October 1st, 2012

Kathleen Kennedy, Steven Spielberg's long time producer, recently dropped an update on "Jurassic Park 4" and the film's current status. Excited? On the edge of your seat? Need to know right this very second what the hell is going on? Well here it is. The moment you've been waiting for. The update is.... they're writing a lot. Need a cigarette don't you?

I'm so freakin confused. "The Child" is a new German film about a lawyer who finds himself being asked to defend a 10 year old who thinks he was a murderer in a past life. The confusing thing to me is that Eric Roberts has apparently just signed on to star in the film. It's German? Does Eric Roberts speak German? Is the movie going to be in German? Will there be a Falco song in the film? There damn well better be.

Get moist fanboys! Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg's next installment in their series of films, "The World's End" has officially begin production. The film will focus on a group of friends who reunite for one more drinking marathon and find not only their future is in danger but so is the world's. Of course there's been many a night I've been three sheets to the wind and thought the world was ending. We've all been there.

Brian De Palma's "Passion", a new film about two women battling it out in a deadly power struggle, has been picked up by Entertainment One for a North American release. I think girls make out in it. I want to see it.

In Real People News: 

I've never really believed that frightening someone can cure their hiccups but then again I've been known to be wrong in the past. I mean it worked for this guy who accidentally shot his friend while trying to cure him. I suppose that might have done the trick. Unfortunately we'll never really know, because he's dead. Let's just assume yes.

Horror Headlines: Friday, June 22nd, 2012

Tomorrow night a buddy of mine is having a bachelor party in the fine city of New York. It's my first real night out of debauchery since my little bundle of joy stepped into the world some 11 months ago. This could go 1 of 2 ways. I could either be dead on my feet by 11, I don't think I've been up past then since I became a father other than when woken up by crying.... or I could go so far off the deep end then I end up getting drunk out of my mind and start a fist fight with a hooker. If there's no news on Monday assume the latter happened.

I don't know why I didn't see this coming but Charlie Sheen has signed on to play the President in Robert Rodriguez's "Machete Kills". I assume Gary Busey will be joining the cast any day now. I'm fine with all this by the way.

Word around town is that Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver have been picked up by the folks at Universal to bang out the script for "Jurassic Park 4". You might recognize those two names from their work on 2011's "Rise of the Planet of the Apes". Perhaps "bang out" isn't the right term I should be using. I don't know if they're banging or anything. They may be happily married and now their better halves are obviously reading this and throwing a fit. God I've ruined another marriage!

I had no idea I was so pissed that Darren Ward's "A Day of Violence" hadn't made its way to the States but the internet tells me I should be excited about it it hitting our shores on August 21st so god damn it if I'm not all a flutter. The film has been sitting around since 2007 follows a British gangster as he chops down his rivals who are after him for the money he stole. Seriously I have never heard of this thing. But don't let that take away from the hoopla that's about to drop... from my pants.

What's better than a Roger Corman flick where a bunch of girls run around having tickle fights? How about one of those woman being 50 foot tall and in 3D? I know, it seems so simple it could just work! Well word has come from the mountains that Corman is ready to unveil his masterpiece, titled "Attack of the 50ft Cheerleader", next month at Comic-Con after a panel discussion. Let the magic begin.

In Real People News: 

A guy who insists on calling himself Thor snapped and started showing everyone his uncut manhood while dressed like a woman? There must be some kind of reasonable explanation. We'd all like to be called Thor. This guy was obviously just sane enough to think of it first.

Sometimes the trauma of getting into a car crash can leave someone so shaken they do crazy things. Like this Texas woman who left her kids at the scene, walked to a CVS, stripped and start eating ice cream. I'm not saying you won't go to jail for this, you 100% will, I'm just saying it happens.

Horror Headlines: Thursday October 27th, 2011

Remember when Anne Hathaway hosted the Oscars and I decided I hated her? Probably not because you never call anymore. Well Anne has signed on to star in a new thriller simply titled "Puzzler". On top of that she'll also be taking on the producer role for the first time. Maybe she can get back on my good side again if she produces those boobies on camera again.

Martin Scorsese looks to have his eye on a big screen adaptation of Jo Nesbo's "The Snowman". The story focuses on a detective investigating the murder of a woman in Oslo, Norway that appears to be the handy work of a serial killer. I don't want to get my hopes up but if the killer turns out to be a troll this might be the greatest movie ever made.

"I Am Legend" scribe Mark Protosevich has been hand picked by Mr. Steven Spielberg to put pen to paper for the much anticipated "Jurassic Park 4". Protosevich comes as no surprise to me as Spielberg's selection. With those baby blue eyes and rugged good looks he must have blown the judges away during the swimsuit competition.

Here's some new sales art for Rob Zombie's "The Lords of Salem" that looks like a crappy show flyer for the worst local punk band ever.

In Real People News: 

I blame "True Blood" for this one. A Zimbabwean man was recently caught making dirty love to a donkey and when questioned by police explained that said donkey was actually a shape shifting hooker. Wait, is prostitution legal in Zimbabwe?

Got to give this guy points for style. A Colorado man reported his date as a burglar when his girlfriend came home and caught the two of them together. It didn't fly of course but it was worth a shot.

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